Saturday, February 9, 2013
Writing at 5:30 AM during a Blizzard
Feb 9th 2013
Visual…….I have this vision of people gathering at Kettle Cove beach or Ferry Beach at sunset, if possible….and having a bunch of my family and friends light paper lanterns that float into the sky. Sending out wishes for me to get to the light safely and maybe wishes for YOU, for healing or whatever is needed.
There are also lily pads or paper boats that you can put candles on and send out into the sea or down a big river as well. The visual of all the pretty candles lit in my honor makes me smile BIG!!
Some days I wake up feeling better or forgetting I have cancer and think, “well, maybe I’m getting better? Maybe its going into remission?” Then pain will come flooding in and so forth. I was speaking with my social worker about it and she said it IS an up and down kind of process. Some good days and some bad days and then there are less and less good days to enjoy, so when I DO get good days to really take advantage of them.
I was wanting to eat like I used to, the other day, and that failed. I ordered chinese food and had some ice cream. That was something I would do literally once a month and when I tried it the other day, it didn’t work out so well. Felt really ill.
I’m still eating crap and I think its due to lots of personal family/friend issues. I gave myself a week to not care about most of what I’m eating. Its now turning into two weeks.
Most of me is saying.”who cares?!” I’m going to die anyway.
But….if I eat horribly it will only make me feel horrible. There IS a connection. I do tend to eat emotionally. Sometimes I don’t see the harm, but when it gets to be too many days in a row, I need to look at that and internally see whats really happening with me.
I went to see Life of PI with my brother and his family and it was pretty difficult to get thru. Mostly due to the subject matter. But also my body felt awfully tired and in pain. Couldn’t sit still for very long. I had to make it for 2 hours plus….
I’m being constantly reminded and challenged with how much I can or can’t do lately.
Not very much fun I’ll tell ya.
Its my new journey now. New way of living.
I was speaking with my Hospice Buddhist Chaplain and she was saying that most of the people she sees, end up seeing someone who is from the “other side” before they die. There are sometimes people who show up whom you’ve never met before. So I’m excited to see who will show up to hang out with me as time gets closer to the end of this life time. I am sure that Stuart will show up. I’m hoping my grandfather Claude Murray and my three friends Linda, Eve and Lina show up too, those three died of cancer. They were incredible people who helped me in so many ways, to get out of bed every day when I was in treatment. They were mother figures and friends and sisters and whatever title they seemed to me…….very special people in my life.
Saying good bye to everyone HERE is going to be the hardest part. Of course the pain and physical body dying won’t be a picnic I’m sure. I just can’t imagine saying goodbye to anyone I love right now.
So, as I hear the wind howling outside and the snow is falling at an inch an hour or more……I’ll think about how lucky I really am to have heat (right now) and a warm fuzzy cat to snuggle with and so many wonderful people in my life. My mom and I had a lovely visit seeing some sheep and goats that I love so much and going shopping a bit too., yesterday. Those little things are what help me get thru each day. Connecting with family, friends, nature , which includes animals.
My mourning doves are taking shelter somewhere else thankfully. They were huddled out on my window ledge yesterday until sundown. I had opened my screen window half way and then put my inside window down so they’d have a little bit of shelter. I hate thinking about the animals huddled together, waiting for the storm to end. Could be another 12 hours?