Monday, February 11, 2013

Stress

I'm feeling a LOT of stress lately.

My hospice nurse and social worker both have mentioned that it will most likely be
harder for me to not have a primary care giver to help with SO many things and I'm
definitely feeling it and getting stressed out about it. I'm at the point where I want to throw up
my hands and say I"M DONE!!!

It seems that the scheduling that is happening on my eHope site is getting out of control

Also there are people who I REALLY want to see who don't seem to want to book any time at all. I don't want to pressure anyone......

but.....

I am dying and running out of time. I wish I could see some people and make some more memories BEFORE I become bed bound which I feel is coming in a few weeks or so. Makes me so sad that some people don't want to see me and maybe they are scared? Maybe they don't think its that crucial and they are waiting to see me WHEN i'm bed bound? I wish they wouldn't wait. Maybe they are done with the happy moments and only want to see me when i'm in bed. Is that easier on them?

I want to visit while I'm still ME, while I can still laugh and be silly and have good conversations. That is starting to change lately. My memory and finding words to express myself is getting harder.

My Buddhist Chaplain woman from Hospice says that as soon as you say "want", that a barrier goes up. It's not accepting whats happening and letting it unfold naturally. Easy to say when I am the only one to do all the nitty gritty scheduling and figuring things out.

I wish I COULD just sit on my meditation pillow and just let life swirl around me and not care so much. If I did that, then things would fall apart. My cat wouldn't get fed and my chores around my apartment wouldn't get done. And everyone would disappear.

I feel like I can't please everyone. No matter what I do, it seems to be not enough, or the wrong way.

I'm so anxious if you can't tell, LOL, and I don't want to be. I want to just tell everyone "forget it! I'm done", is that what you all want from ME?

Maybe I just need to crawl into bed and start the dying process? Then maybe people in my life would have it easier. I would shut up and be quiet and then they can start grieving my imminent death. Is that what I "should" do?

I still have a voice, I still have opinions, I still have art to create, I still have fun moments to be had if I can find certain people to spend those times with, I still have a lot more to do, soon I WILL be bed bound, but until then, I want to see people and not see other people due to being stressed out. I don't want to feel like a project  that has to be done. Nor do I want fake relationships. We can't make up for lost time and repair relationships. Thats over. That will not happen in the way that some want it to.

I'm dying.

Its really happening and I think some people out there aren't realizing this and want to just go about their business and not look at it.

That just makes me so incredibly sad. Deep Deep Sadness.

I don't want this to be it. I want to create more happy memories. Why is that so hard to understand?

Why are some people overwhelmed by whats happening with me and taking off and saying goodbye in their own way?

I take it so personally, like I'm just too much for them to handle. Like I've done something wrong. Its the FUCKING cancer that has done this. Not me. Please don't leave me. I'm scared and want people around me that want to share love and joy. Not stress and demands.

This is IT for me. No,..."I'll get to it later on this year." Not for me. This is the time. NOW.

I'm so tired and the pain is increasing every day.

I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I just want to share love and happiness. Thats all.

Why is that so hard to do?

When demands are put on me, I push back and will continue to and if i get pushed too much, then the visits will stop.

I can't have toxic energy around me. I just can't . No matter who it is. No matter what their title in my life is. Blood or not blood related.

This may sound harsh and some of you are wondering if this is about you.

I need to express myself and I try not to use names and I try to come from a me place but today, I at least need to express why i'm stressed out by still not using names.

I DO LOVE so many people in my life who are willing to wait in line and see me when they are able to.

Thats it for now......

I think I need to nap and try and calm down.

I think relationships in my life are changing or will be drastically changing soon.

I need to do whats right for my stress level and for what little time I have left here in this body.

Blessings to you all.


2 comments:

Geneva Nelson said...

I LOVE you Jenn! Say what you need to say here... you need to vent - Cancer SUCKS! So sad you have to deal with all this. Looking forward to our un-Valentines time together. We'll find water...and capture photos, and spend the day being good friends. XOX Gen

Anonymous said...

Hey Jenn........just listening......sending you a Spirit Hug~~~~~


Liz
NYC