Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Changes Aren't Always Bad

Hi Ya'll

I know I've been a bit quiet here on my Blog Page.

Things have been churning and mixing around me and in my head. Lots of physical changes and also spiritual changes are happening within me and around me.

Lets get the physical changes out of the way.....I know they can be boring or maybe a bit scary, depending on who is reading the info.

So, the pain.....yes, the pain again....its here to stay unfortunately. The pain I believe will always be here but it can be managed to a point where it feels like someone is holding me and whispering in my ear. Or it can be someone shaking my shoulders and screaming in my ear. Depends on the day and depends on the activity I am doing.

Maybe that doesn't make sense?

So, an example. If I do my dishes, clean the litterbox, fold my clean laundry that someone most graciously cleaned for me, then changed the sheets on my bed. That could, believe it or not, lead to the someone shaking my shoulders. That can be too much for me to do. It seems like such a simple thing to do right? Well, this is what I am learning. .....that its not simple anymore. My "new" life is not simple any more.  sigh......

ok,....so, how should I react to this?

There are no SHOULDS......lets say this again.......THERE ARE NO SHOULDS!! Thats better!

It is all personal. For me.....the pain is pretty intense. My social worker and nurse have both stated that the pain is pretty significant and I need to keep a gentle watch over what I do. A PICC Line looks like at sometime soon, will be put in. I"ve decided only recently that this will happen.

I want to do do do........but if I do do do.....I will pay pay pay....physically and emotionally.

I have had lots of emotional ups and downs lately as well.

I want to fight the pain and make it go away or make it not exist or make it just be different.

I"m not sure I'm making a whole lot of sense. I try to explain things on a physical level as well on a emotional level. I am having to let go of how I used to be. What I used to be able to do is no longer there.

I wanted to be at a wonderful gathering for ME on Sunday. I got ready with help from my dear friend Nancy and if we both had really checked in with me and with how I was physically and mentally, we both would have come to the conclusion that I was in no shape at ALL to be at a fairly big social gathering. Even if it is full of LOVE and for lil ole ME, it was not going to happen. , for me anyway.

I was stubborn and went anyway.....both Nancy and I , I believe, were in a sense of denial. This is what we have been used to me being able to do for years. Why change now?

Well, after about 20 mins to a half hour of being there, I about lost my jelly beans......It was like I was in someone elses' body. I was no longer there. I was completely overwhelmed.

I had to go to a small room in the back of the Center we were all gathered at and just breathed and then Nancy came in after I asked her to and I bawled my eyes out over and over and over and over and over again......

I was bawling because I knew I couldn't be there, I was bawling because I knew that was the last time I could EVER do anything like that again, EVER. No more gatherings of that sort again.

Another loss for me to deal with.

Letting go of something else.

The pain, the medications, the cancer progression.....its just so high and heavy that all I can handle now are small one on one meetings/visits.

This is VERY hard for me to accept into my mind and soul.

Every day I have a loss to deal with. This is a big one.

So many WONDERFUL people were there for me. I was and am still so very grateful for their presence and their willingness to be there for ME.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul for your love and giving of so much.

After I got home and Nancy "tucked me in bed", with a xanex of course, .>>LOL....I did need a half of one to stop shaking. , I could really feel the love from everyone who was still at the Center having fun meeting one another and talking about things that are concerning eachother. After all it is a community of peeps that are supporting one another too. If there are any issues, they are there for each other. I"m so happy that that is the case. People helping one another is wonderful. It is so important when there is someone dying. To have support from others.

My father and my step mom were able to make it too, which was a total surprise. Thank you Dad and Sue!

So, there are lots of losses happening, but also lots of healing happening for me, I saw my wonderful Polarity Goddess Marsha, yesterday, and was able to receive so much healing on so many levels. I am so so happy and grateful for her incredible giving and presence for me in so many ways.

I could go on about that.....but maybe another time....

I just wanted you all to know that I'm doing ok...its been rough and I'm having to let go of so much, but that I'm gaining an incredible amount as well.

I'm learning to let go of things too. Trusting that even if I wasn't at the party/gathering, that it still went on and it was still good for everyone. I am so happy.

Trusting that things can still happen without me, in a good way. I'm not forgotten either. Its a lesson I"m learning. Letting go.

I'm still learning to do so.

I'm in pain, I'm also happy, I"m letting go of some control and yet can still be happy.  So much learning and so much healing of my soul and spirit. Saying NO when I need to and having that be ok, people understanding that its not personal, its me taking care of me.

Today there is going to be another wonderful meeting with my hospice nurse and social worker meeting at my mom and step dads house to give some updates from their points of view of how THEY see things going with me lately. I may be able to tell people there how I see things going. It gives people a chance to ask questions of their own as well.

I'm just SO happy that there are many opportunities where people can communicate with one another and from people in the Hospice Community as well. Communication is something I feel has been tough for my family on some levels. At least for me. So to see this happening on so many different levels has been teaching for me for sure, wow! WONDERFUL!!

I woke up today with so much gratitude and love for others in my world and the world around me.

Thats how I wish to wake up every morning.

I am grateful for all of YOU who read my blog, thank you!

Blessings to you all!

And have you seen the flowers bursting thru the soil? Magic!!!!


S. R. Roy said...


I've seen the flowers bursting from the soil, and I've also seen the ones bursting from your heart. It's a wonderful sight, one that reconfirms for me the eternal nature of life in all its forms. For that -- and for you -- I, too, am grateful.

Love and warm hugs!

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenn, Liz NYC here and I
I have submitted your Blog to a website called Navagting Cancer a cancer resource website. You will be happy to know that you are making new friends. Below is a recent post from Lynn sent with the title, HUGS.



Hi. Just read some of your blog and wanted to send you a hug. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in December and have 4 more radiation treatments left. I had a partial mastectomy in Jan. unfortunately, I “get” a lot of your frustration-1988 I had emergency stomach surgery for perforated ulcers and have had 13 surgeries since, been tube fed twice and had just about every complication possible. My stomach is paralyzed, so I live most of the day nauseous. So, breast cancer sucks, but over the years, I have developed a great number of skills that have allowed me to cope with my cancer and my other health problems, the most important is to seek the joy and be as positive as I can in any given moment. I have learned to savor the good and roll with the bad. Do what you need to so that your heart will smile. Be at peace. Thanks for taking the time to share. We all have to stick together and we find support and caring in some of the weirdest places and times. Dance in the rain… Hugs, Lynn

South Miami, Florida
I am 53

Anonymous said...

Sending you love Jenn. xoxo....

Anonymous said...

Love you Jenn...thank u for sharing....Lynn's post reminded me of when we danced in the rain...do u remember? Soooo much fun :)... Love you, amanda

tanya haller said...

We have so much to learn from you sharing your experience with us. Thank you Jenn, I love you! Tanya

Me From Maine said...

Hi Jenn *HUG* I know the PICC line is a big decision. As they say, you'll just "know" the perfect time to make that move when the time is right for you.

I am so glad that even though you were only able to stay at your party for 30 minutes, you recognize that the party is also for all of those who attended. The sense of community that can form is so powerful, especially when you realize that those people were there to celebrate *YOU*, and then they realize that they are connected through love now to one another. That feels really powerful when you think about it.

Would you mind sharing what sort of spiritual things are going on for you, and possibly some of the visions and messages you are getting?

I have definitely noticed things stirring outside, but no flowers yet (but then, I didn't plant any yet in this new locale that emerge in early spring...maybe next year!)

I did see a mourning dove the other morning, and I immediately thought of you and your doves. It's funny how it may seem like miles and circumstances separate people, but you know in actuality, there is no separation.

We are always a part of one another, including our friends, "enemies", neighbors, folks down the road, in another state, across the country, across the world.

Sorry to get all philosophical, but for some reason, thinking about you just reminds me of the joy of being connected to all of humankind. Your Friend, Val xoxo