Sunday, April 14, 2013

Today.........April 14th, 2013

I am still here! yay!!!

Some days recently I wondered if I was going to wake up.

I've been incredibly sleepy. I feel like I could sleep for days. So UN-like me. The last time I was able to sleep so much was probably when I was a teenager. It feels wonderful on one hand and on another its scary. Something so different and odd to have suddenly come into my life. My Hospice Team say it is part of the process and the cancer is why.

On Friday I had a subcutaneous needle put into my stomach area. My nurse and I decided to NOT go with the PICC line for the moment. One reason was due to my nervousness and having to go to the hospital and have the topical medication used that did not work the last TWO times I tried them for other procedures. It was pretty horrific for me those last two times. I had a little PTSD over it due to the extreme pain. I know that the PICC Line will be SO much better when I will most likely go to that procedure of how the medication goes into my body but we (nurse and I ) decided to take this step first. It felt more comfortable for me and my body to start there. So this tiny needle gets poked into my stomach somewhere and its taped down with another type of I think butterfly type contraption to keep the needle in place. Every 3 days, I believe, it will be moved to another area on my stomach. So thats not so much fun but the stick is so much easier to deal with than any thing else. I know I can handle it. We'll see if I get so sick of it that I say "Enough, I want the PICC!", LOL .   One step at a time I say.

So, the amazing thing is that I don't have to take the dilaudid at all and don't have to take the morphine orally either, the morphine goes in thru the needle, by liquid form. I still have to take the advil and one other pain med along with a couple other pills a day but to not hear that pain pill APP going off every 2 hours is fantastic!!! My cat Stewie needs to get the memo now. He still wants to get up at 4am to take our first dose of medication. I'm trying to let him know that its not happening now.........hopefully soon he'll get it.

Cats get such a routine going sometimes. A lot of animals do. I'm sure he'll get over it soon.

I have a pack I have to carry with me at all times, I can use it as a fanny pack or a shoulder purse like contraption. Its heavier than I thought it would be but i"m sure i'll get used to it. I can sleep with it ok due to the long tubing it has. I place it on my bedside table when I sleep and the tubing is laying next to me. So far so good. I have a pump I can push every 10 mins or so if the pain gets really bad, which I'm going to do now, due to all this typing. Its causing some pain......please you hear the Muzak playing? LOL......

Ok, i'm back. I don't feel it right away. It takes longer than a PICC line would take.

So, thats the physical updates, sorry if its so long. I know some family members wanted some updates on what all is happening.

Val had asked about any spiritual visions I've been having? Well, mostly its happening with my polarity therapist and some I've had on my own.

There are two Light Beings who come to me and who will be with me from now until I pass over. One is male and one is female. Marsha, polarity therapist, told me about them. Before she could tell me what side they were on, I told her. Then she saw a dolphin jump into my arms and I was craddling him/her and lets say he is sending me a mauve color of light that is full of LOVE just pouring into my body and soul. The Light Beings, Mother and Father, are there to help me cross over as well. I feel them around me. There are other smaller visions I have that I'm keeping more private right now. I may share with peeps soon. I want to get more information and see if its something I need to or want to share with others.

I will hopefully be able to share other visions if they are people visiting but at that time, I may be too far gone to be able to type about them or share with others. But who knows, could happen?

I've had others share their visions, one of me with Stuart, (my boyfriend who died), but I don't feel comfortable sharing their stories publicly. They are beautiful images. I feel that I have so SO many people and beings who are waiting for me on the other side. I have no worry that I will be alone at ALL. NONE.

My worry is leaving so many wonderful, magical, loving people in my life, and to have to say goodbye. I've always hated goodbyes. Its one of my lessons this life time.

I hope I can have some closure with some people. I have had some closure on my part with some people. I know that some people will have to do their own work on losing me on their own time and if they wish to do so.

This journey is so foreign to me in so many ways, although I KNOW I've been here before. Dying as a human being. I just know I have. I suppose it could be that we need to not remember how it was each time due to the pain or the suffering that comes along with it all. It could make people not want to go there? Who knows.

I've been lately feeling very alone and scared. Then I'll have moments of joy and love. But to be honest and to KEEP IT REAL, I've been very sad to lose so many friends from my life. So many loved ones that I feel I can't even fathom saying good bye to.

I've said to some people, ..."until next time..." instead of good bye.

That sounds better to me and its what I personally believe.

I don't believe that I've become this enlightened being and now I can go on into another dimension. No, my soul is still learning and will possibly keep learning for a long time to come.

I've just learned all I need to learn in THIS body.

Ok....enough of the saddness.....

Joy.....lets see.....

I received a beautiful fairy wand flower (not real flower) from a very smart and beautiful 3 year old girl who got all shy when she gave it to me. I had left the gathering........ and i had also left the cards I make with my Henry Bunny, this little girl has received many times before due to me sending her some, I write in it from me and Henry the Bunny. She has fallen in love with Henry. So after I left the party she and her mom picked out a Henry card to buy and then when this amazing  3 year old opened the card she said something like "no jenn writing?"......she couldn't understand why I hadn't written anything in the card. ohhhhhh, so sweet. Her mom explained it well.

so, soon, i'll send her another Henry card with some "jenn writing" in it.

Thank you ALL so much for reading and for supporting me on my journey. It means so much to me. It IS getting harder to write as often, but i hope to have help when I can't write as well or as often. I may be able to have someone type as I talk.

Just as Val asked me for some information, if you all have some questions you would like answered, please ask away on the comment area and I'll do my best to answer them.



S. R. Roy said...

You are, indeed, still here, Jenn, still having an effect on others. YAY!!!

Love you,

Ellis Hughes said...

I'm real glad you're giving us the details re: the meds and how you are feeling. I know it's increasingly harder to share with us individually -- doing it once (through your blog!) makes so much sense. It truly helps us know what's going on. Great.

And, glad your visions are giving you comfort ... and thanks for sharing those, too. Love. Comfort. Tenderness. Good stuff all.

Love you.

Ellis Hughes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I love you Jenn. You rock. :-)