Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Being Attached

I woke up with some pain so I pushed the button on my new pack that gives me my morphine at a lower level all the time and when there is a spike in pain, I can hit this button to give it to me, a smaller dose, but something to hopefully get me thru to a more comfortable area.

A nurse came in yesterday to take the first needle that had been put in three days ago, out and put in another needle in on the other side of my stomach. I was a little nervous, only due to the pain and soreness I experienced the first time. This time was much better but the nurse and I discovered that I "may be" allergic to the plastic covering or one of the topical ointments put on to sterilize the area before the needle is injected. Here I am, the sensitive one, once again. LOL

My step sister and I were joking about how I should have a sticker or a sign saying.......I am the Sensitive Girl.  Be aware! I'm in the 1 % of the population who can't tolerate this or that. I can handle a lot of other things. Im not allergic to any foods that I know of. Just a couple of meds and certain topical lotions and laundry detergents. Sigh.....

So, being a very sensitive nurse as she is, Nurse S, I'll call her.....was patient and said after seeing the redness come up after a little while with the new needle to just keep an eye on it and see what happens. It didn't get much worse. So I'm thankful for that. It is still a little red this morning but not spread further out.

The most annoying thing i'm finding is being attached to the pack. I still can't take a shower yet. I have to learn from the very skilled nurses on what to do to shower. Right now, i"m just sponge bathing. Lets be honest. Sponge bathing is NOT the same as a real shower. Have you been camping?
I still haven't had to been able to wash my hair. I HAVE to do it today. NO ANDS IFS OR BUTTS about it. LOL

Ok, enough of that part.....

.....except for being attached....

I'm forgetting sometimes that I'm attached to this pack and one time (so far) I have forgotten and got up from my bed and pulled on the cord and the pack came flying down onto the floor. Yikes! It made all kinds of weird noises and I decided to ignore it for a few mins and see if it would go back to normal, which it did. Later on I found out it was fine. I figured if it stopped beeping and the noises came back, that it was fine.

I got thinking about how we are all attached to things. Am I  attached to this physical thing that is supposed to be easier on me by having to take less pills a day and the effects of it getting to my brain is faster. So far the jury is out on that one

There are other attachments we have. Should we call them attachments or addictions? Hmmmm....

I love my cup of PG Tips tea in the morning. One cup of tea with milk only. I love love love it.

Is that an attachment or an addiction. I believe I could let it go. I have before.

I'm attached to my wonderful cat Stewie. That is definitely not an addiction. Right? I love him and don't want to give him up till I have to. People keep asking if there has been anyone who wants to adopt him. I give them the current phrase that I trust that he will have a home when the time comes. I am not in any way shape or form giving him up BEFORE I die. NO WAY! He is my Angel Boy. He has been there for me when no one else could be, which is not implying I was all alone during my first treatment, but I did live alone and he was the only other being there to help me during those dark times at night.

Attachments.....what are they for YOU? Is it a teddybear that you sleep with at night that no one could rip out of your hands? Is it a purple toxic painted lunchbox you got as a girl in the fifth grade that you don't want to get near but just can't get rid of? Sentimental attachments seem to be at the top of the list don't they?

I see this site on FB that I believe is called Simplicity or Minimalist.

I have told myself many times that some day I will get rid of ALL of my things and have ONLY the essentials. I tried a few months a go, or maybe it was last Fall?, anyway, I did get rid of a lot of things, according to my standards, but I still have lots of stuff.

I am giving away lots of sentimental things as I can. Which has been emotional and very cathartic for me and for other family members.

Attachments, ......What does that mean to you and do you think you have a balanced way of living with them or without them? Do you feel you have only a few that seems reasonable to have in your basement?

Or are we talking about internal attachments to things in our mind, our emotional self. What are we attached to internally?

Maybe this needs a part two some time?

Have a gorgeous day today and my heart goes out to all the people that were killed and injured and affected by yesterdays' Boston Marathon Bombing.

My family were so proud that we knew of someone famous from our area who ran the marathon for many years, Joan Benoit. It was a big big deal. If I am correct, she was the first woman to win the marathon?

I didn't even know the bombing happened yesterday. I haven't watched t.v. much lately. I found out by turning a channel to find something happening last night to tape for a friend who I tape shows for that we watch every week. The news was on and I saw the ticker tape on the bottom.....Boston Marathon Bombing!

I live not far from Boston. Scary. There are so many scary things happening EVERY SINGLE DAY. I chose months ago to NOT watch the news even if its horrible. I will get the basic information, I will light my candles and send prayers out to all involved and then I will move on to something else.

I can and have been attached to the news. It is not a healthy thing for me to do and I can't do anything about what happened. Its an awful awful thing that another human being or beings could do this to others.

I have to turn off the t.v. and watch something positive and funny. Some might think that is being unaware or selfish or whatever judgments people want to throw at me. I believe it is taking care of ME and what I need to do. I am sending prayers and healing to all the people involved and I personally believe that is a very good thing to do.

We all have our ways of grieving and helping and that is mine right now.

Blessings to you all today.

Love is all there is and I will be sending Love to all around me.


Ellis Hughes said...

Giving up the things you love is a theme throughout life ... the important thing is not to give up love. But you know that all too well.

This is a poem written after the Japanese disaster of two years ago ... someone posted it yesterday in reference to the Boston disaster. I think the poet said it well, kindness being love, of course.

Love you, Ellis

by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

S. R. Roy said...

I agree with you, Jenn, that focusing too much on bad news about which we can do nothing is not healthy. I believe it's one of the first things we could all give up that would benefit the world.

I love the poem Ellis included in her comment. Thanks for sharing, Ellis.

Love and warm hugs,

Jenngie said...

Thank you for posting the poem Ellis!


Angelique Merold said...

This post was the most "fascinating" one for me....your comments about your light beings was enlightening. I find this subject matter of great importance. Those who believe there is something more than this physical life seem to me to be more accepting of the death of the physical self and the journey of the soul to the next phase. As I can in no way envision what you are going through, I strongly feel that if I were, I would find great peace and calm that such visions are meant to do. I absolutely believe in the continuance of the soul in a much better place and those visions are meant to allay our fears of the potential "nothingness" so many think is what awaits us in death. I lost my first husband 15 years ago, but was blessed to "see" him again in dreams and hear his voice beside me in difficult times. Our bodies are not but a vessel for our souls, here for as long as needed and set free upon bodily death to return to the wonder of where we came from. Although I haven't seen you in many, many years, I do remember you were always a very spiritual being and that in itself is a blessing. No one is accepting of their own mortality....who could be?....but your belief and "visions" are some of the best parts of your journey. You are obviously still the same loving, caring, spiritual, strong person I knew so many years ago. I'm proud of you for chronicling this very difficult time in your life to help others. That's the Jenn Gerow I knew and loved as a teenager. I am torn up about what you are going through, but happy you are so honest and open in your blog. No one can really know what someone else is going through in this type of situation and your posts are very eye-opening.

I've unfortunately been surrounded by the potential death of so many women I love (my baby sister is dying slowly from CREST disease and my sister-in-law is currently in the hospital dying from gastro-intestinal cancer)so reading your blog has helped me deal with that. Thank you for that!

I've thought of you many times over these....let's see...oh my gosh...30 years (since Mahoney). You are someone who was a true friend and one who was so very genuine. I HATE that the people I know who are suffering from some deadly affliction are the kindest, most caring and loving people I've ever known. It's just not right and it breaks my heart. I still love you Jenn, after all these years and I hope and pray that God grants you mercy, peace, love, and comfort through all your physical and emotional trials. Much love to you young lady!!!

P.S. Do you still have any of your Duran-Duran posters from 1983/84? LOL!!!!