Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Off Balance

Not too far away in the past, the Spring time had been really rough times for me. Its the expectations of being happy. Its suddenly nice out so I "should" be happy, I "should" be out there doing lots of activities and be grateful for so much in my life. Look how beautiful it is out and why would a person be unhappy? What reasons would someone not want to be outside?

Well, when you have a major depressive disorder as I have/had....still pondering that is very hard to live up to those expectations.

Did you know that April (at least it used to be not too many years ago) is the highest month for suicides? Why would that be? From my point of view its the pressure to be someone I'm not. And people in my inner circles not understanding why I was upset. Get outside Jenn, go for a walk, you'll feel better and you'll understand why the world is so much prettier now and why we are all so happy.

Well, for me it only made me more depressed. Why wasn't I feeling those things after going outside and smelling those roses? Why wasn't I more happy after walking for miles at a time? What is wrong with me?! That was the ultimate question I would hear in support groups I'd go to over the years. What is wrong with me that I can't feel those things that others are feeling and that's all around you? On television ads and newspaper ads. Its Spring time, its a time to get out and be happy. I would be so happy for the Spring showers, it gave me an excuse to not go out that day. Why can't we all just accept one another for whatever we are feeling whenever we are feeling those feelings and notice when someone we care about is NOT feeling that way and try to be there for them? Being there for someone is NOT fixing it. It is listening and maybe asking if there is anything you can do to help. Sometimes an ear is all that is needed or appreciated. Sometimes its just saying that you are so sorry that this person feels this way. That you still love them no matter what they are feeling. Feelings are feelings. Its ok to have feelings even if they seem irrational to you or others. Thats what i've learned over and over again at lots of support groups and books on self help.

So, today I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling like I want to crawl into bed and not get out. Its feeling  alittle bit like the old days when I was really depressed and couldn't understand it or explain it to my family or friends. It just was.

Maybe its the opiates I'm on? Maybe its affecting my mood? Who really knows right now. All I know is that today, i"m not feeling so great. I'm sure after a good shower (first one in a few days due to the new contraption I"m attached to) I'll feel somewhat better. Nothing like a good hot shower. ........I've been sponge bathing. Not quite the same thing.

So, there you are. Here is where I'm at right now.

I DO have so much to be grateful for.

I may also be a bit depressed due to the Boston bombings. Just awful that people are so far gone within themselves to want to hurt other human beings. I just can't understand it.

I DO hope you all have a wonderful day today. It is sunny here and maybe after I get out and about I'll start to feel better. I'm seeing some friends today too. I'm sure that will help. And if not then I'm sure they won't hold it against me.

Blessings to you all!


Ellis Hughes said...

Good morning, Jenn! Another day's blog! Yay!

Oh, so it's about depression. Yep, that old dark feeling we all share in various degrees. It's part of who we are, and recognizing that is important. Part of what makes us who we are. So, it's natural to feel angry when people dismiss it. Just go out and walk in the spring day! la, la, la.... Easier said than done. I hear ya.

So, get that hot shower and enjoy some good light from all who love you, including this person. :)

S. R. Roy said...

Hi, Jenn:

I was out yesterday, so I didn't get to your blog. As usual, though, I am thankful to be able to read it and discover in it more about you and about myself as well.

I hope you managed to "lighten" your day both in the shower and in the sun. I look forward to seeing you on Saturday.

Love and hugs,

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenn,
We arent supposed to be happy all of the time and it's more than ok.
Let it be.
I have been feeling weirdly depressed as well, can't put my finger on it. Who knows what truths there are beyond what appears to be.


Jenngie said...

Thank you to all who comment.

The depression isn't easy to make go away. There is no one cure as easy as going for a walk or doing yoga or eating kale or whatever 1,000 advice givings people have to offer. Sometimes it just is. Sitting with it and saying to oneself, well, this is it for today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
For me I get nervous that the big dark cloud of what I have been thru in the past will come back. That can not happen. If it does, well.....I can't even express what that will mean.

Again....thank you for your reading and responding.