Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Planning for the future?

Hi Ya'll

I was with a dear friend last night and I was talking with her about how do I plan for a future? How do I move forward in ANY way possible? I suppose I could look at my souls' continuation and what does it need from me.

I just want to sleep and is that OK? I went out with my step dad yesterday to run some errands and we had a wonderful talk, as we do quite often, about life and its' struggles and also remembering lifes' beauties. Then I was off to my next appointment.

I got back and my Hospice Social Worker was waiting for me. Then my nurse arrived, then before she left my hospice home health aide came by. It felt like a full day but not really, it was just getting thru appts and hopefully with a smile on my face.

By the time I had a break to take a bit of time for me, it was around 2:15pm. That may sound like nothing to you all but to me it was a full morning and early afternoon. So I needed to lay down for a nap. I got woken up by a phone call from my friend in London who was supposed to call me at 3:00 but apologized for calling at 3:30. I was in a very very deep sleep. So when he called, it really thru me off guard. It was one of those calls, ....the kind where you wake up out of a deep sleep not knowing who you are or where you are or what is supposed to be happening. My friend asked if I was ok and I said yes but that wasnt the truth. I was losing my mind I felt like. So, I only slept for about an hour and 15 or so mins and it felt like 5 hours and extremely deep. I immediately felt bad because I wasn't feeling fully coherent.

We figured it out soon and I straightened out myself and had a good phone call. But to be honest it scared me. I wasn't sure what was happening for longer than seems "normal".

Anyway, enough of that, but its those kinds of changes that have been scaring me lately.

I cried and cried last night as my friend listened and said she will "meet me where I'm at". I so love her. No judgments and no trying to fix. Just assuring me that she is there for me and that is huge. I don't want to scare people away by being all emotional at night, but night times seem to be the most challenging right now.

So far I'm not lashing out at anyone or being abusive.So thats something. LOL

But seriously....I don't want to become that person who will do such  a thing to anyone I love.

My friend said I have a LOT to cry about right now and its ok to cry. I don't expect anyone to fix anything or give loads of advice, just sitting with me and listening is enough sometimes.

I was very stuck and depressed on Saturday and I tried all my skills of trying to get out of it and nothing seemed to work, so I just called Saturday a loss.

Sunday, I woke up and said to myself...."I want to go fly a kite today!". So the people I was scheduled to see were game. I went to a local drug store and bought some silly cheap-o kites and they worked! I didn't crash one or hurt anything! There was a local kite store/company that was showing off their kites and stuff, so they got a bit into our space but other than that it was really fun!! I have been wanting to fly a kite for years and have always made excuses......."I want a REALLY nice kite",  or" I don't have time" or whatever the excuse is.... Sunday morning I decided it didn't matter. I'm so happy I went with my gut. I did almost crash into the kite companies' nice kite with one of mine, me not knowing what I was doing and how to move the kite, but luckily I didn't crash it.

There was one sad moment, or maybe it is considered two. The little girl with us, sweet as can be, asked if I wanted to go for a walk. It was getting near to when we were leaving and I knew my body was not going to be able to do that at all. I told her a few times and then her mom stepped in and told her I was too tired. I felt bad not being able to fulfill her wish. So after the two of us looked at this huge fish-like-being that the kite company had filled up with air and was hovering above ground, I thought I"d try to make up for not walking and just skip back to our picnic table with her. So we held hands and I tried to do so. My legs were just not able to do what my brain was asking it to do. My body was too tired. I tried and it worked out ok but it was such a disappointment.

It reminded me of when I was in Radiation Treatments and I had neuropathy for a time, my legs wouldn't allow me to run to catch a bus one day to get to my appt to have RADS treatments. It was such a strange feeling to expect your body to do something and have it not comply.

I tried it again yesterday, skipping, and I was able to do it. whew! It was only just that I was over tired. Still not working 100%, but at least I can still skip if I'm not over tired. Yay!

So, I've had an up and down week. Depression on Saturday, Kite flying on Sunday and some fun the last few days with a few tears here and there which made me feel better.

Thank you all for reading and I hope you are allowing yourself to be where ever YOU are. Just because it's Spring does not mean you HAVE to be happy. You are where you are.

Blessings to you all
OH, and a BIG Happy Birthday to my Dear Dear friend Nancy! I love you !!!


Anonymous said...

Hey Jenn,
Thank you so much for your post and sharing your journey. I am glad that you are able to go out and enjoy a bit. I love your comment that " just because it's Spring doesn't mean that we are supposed to be happy." So right, it's ok to feel bad sometimes but even better to let it go.


Jenngie said...

Yes, Liz, there is so much pressure to be happy now. I get asked daily by many people if I've gotten out today cuz it was so beautiful, and I know they mean well, but i feel so bad to have to say, well, no I didn't . Maybe tomorrow. Its a bit of shame there. But mostly I'm learning to let that go. Its not mine.


StressLess said...

Thank you Jenn... so many people holding on to your words.... I love you dearly.