Saturday, April 27, 2013

More Filming and.....

Hi Ya'll out there that take the time to read my blog.

:)

So, from the subject line you can see I mentioned being filmed more. Yep, the wonderful filmmakers that have filmed me came back for another hour and a half or so, to film more. I was nervous and you know when you have a conversation with someone and then they leave or hang up the phone....then you think..."oh, i could have said that better, or why didn't I say that instead?..."

I had a few of those moments after they had left. I figure that whatever I said will be good enough and no one can say things perfectly. Plus i"m not used to being on camera so my skills in that area are slim. So, whatever they got will have to do. I did tell them if they want more film from me to let me know and I can work something out.

I also believe its hard for me to articulate anything lately. My body is definitely, as my social worker mentioned the other day, eroding and dying from the inside out. My brain feels like its been shaken like a snow globe at times. I get dizzy and when I try to find the words I want to find, It feels almost impossible. Then other times I can have decent conversations.

I have been emotional as well. I feel like I'm not me anymore. I'm changing. My personality is changing due to the stupid f-ing cancer as my friend Joe likes to say. I schedule things on my calendar and then realize, sometimes too late, that I've scheduled too much for me to handle. I then cry and cry and say "Why can't I be that person again?!", "Why can't I handle these appts like I used to be able to?!".

There is just sooooo much to let go of and accept every single day.

I hear of peoples' stories of how they went to the beach and played with their kids and how they went to see a wonderful band play at this local club and I truly am happy for them. Then a part of me wants to scream and say "Why can't I do those things again?!"

What am I supposed to be doing now? I am a person who is dying but is alive. What does a person do in this situation? There is no "supposed to", right?

I have been having day-mares as I call them. Horrible day time night mares that seem so real. They are mostly about people I know, which makes it even more scary. I have visions of these people I know coming at me with knives and guns and wanting to hurt me.

My polarity therapist says its my fears wanting to be released. This is how they release she says. Well, I don't like it at all. Who would right? LOL

I am in pain right now, so I had to just push the button that gives me extra morphine. I hope that helps. I don't want to stop writing/typing.

During the day I have been extremely fatigued. Thats partly why I haven't written in a while. My hospice nurse says that's due to the cancer and not the meds. I want to sleep all day. Soon I'll have to pare down my visits to probably one a day so I can sleep more. My body is telling me, or I should say shouting at me to sleep more.

I feel like all I'm writing about is the negative stuff....I don't want to make anyone depressed.

An old therapist is now talking in my ear saying, .."Jenn, you can't MAKE anyone do anything they don't want to do."....ok, ok...LOL Thats true. I can't. But you get what I'm saying right?

I have another friend that wants me to be very very real, to be as dark and negative as I want to be.

I get that as well.

I believe I am both dark and light. Aren't we all?

Finding that balance is what I believe I am trying to do lately.

I told the camera that was filming me that even when I'm in my room and can't go out on an absolutely beautiful day, that there is still beauty all around me. I've been taking pictures of things all around me. All you have to do to find beauty is to STOP, CLOSE YOUR EYES, BREATHE, OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AROUND VERY VERY SLOWLY. You'll find something beautiful. Whether it be a shadow on the wall. The colors the book case has. The plants that are reaching out towards the light. There is so much beauty if only we just stop. When I am in so much pain. I have no choice but to stop. I can choose anger and self pity. Sometimes I do. Then sometimes I choose to just stop and look around and find something new I haven't noticed before. Distract and also choose to see the goodness of something. Sometimes it feels impossible to do and I choose to eat a huge bowl of ice cream. LOL ,There's nothing wrong there either. I will choose to not eat ice cream all day as well.

It all sounds so simple and maybe a bit nutty but for me, it helps manage the pain, it helps to get up off my pity pot.

Well, this is all for today and hopefully I won't take so long to get back to you all.

Is there one thing you can see around you that you think is beautiful?
Picture by me....jenngie designs

3 comments:

Ellis Hughes said...

I just love this part, Jenn.
"even when I'm in my room and can't go out on an absolutely beautiful day, that there is still beauty all around me. I've been taking pictures of things all around me. All you have to do to find beauty is to STOP, CLOSE YOUR EYES, BREATHE, OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AROUND VERY VERY SLOWLY. You'll find something beautiful. Whether it be a shadow on the wall. The colors the book case has. The plants that are reaching out towards the light. There is so much beauty if only we just stop."
Just beautiful. Love you. Ellis

Humidx said...

You are truly astounding. I aam so grateful to 'know' you. xoxox

Rae

Angelique Merold said...

Hey Jenn,this is Angie Cousins. Just talked to Jackie G. and was informed of your blog and your fight. Starting reading and couldn't get very far. You are incredibly deep and thoughtful. With my brain in it's usual mental haze and my heart in its usual state of softness, I could not bear to read any further just yet. You and I have known each other since middle school....remember our love for Duran Duran??...but haven't kept in touch. Life is too short and I'm sorry for that. Just wanted you to know that I too am here for you....even living far away. Message me on FB or email me anytime (ammerold@gmail.com)if you need to talk or anything. I admire your honesty in your blog and your continued fight for as much normalcy as possible. You always were an awesome person and apparently still are! Hope to have a chance to see you when I come up in a couple months. Stay strong and positive. Love to you! Angie