Windy Spring

It has been so windy lately. The spring winds are coming in. I just wish it was warmer as well.

There is still snow on the ground and the temps are below 40 most days.

Spring is still coming forth even with the un-spring-like conditions.

The birds are singing and making nests. I saw a crow making his/her nest in a tree outside my window yesterday.

It reminds me of how life still moves forward even if your surroundings tell you otherwise.

I added a new site to my list of websites i go to regularly. Its a site mainly for young survivors under the age of 40. I still qualify. The people who run the site are really great! They have a radio show you can download to your MP3 or ipod for free. I may be on one of the segments in the near future. Their motto is Stupid Cancer! And its true....it IS stupid, but its also smart, it takes over even when we do all we can to stop it. What the I2Y crew is really saying, i believe, is that we can look down at it and not let the C word take over our lives, its about continuing to live and making sure we live well, not let it bring us down.

I had a day of intense testing on friday. I drove through a small snowstorm to get there at 8:30am. I met with the Neuro Psychologist and he asked me a bunch of personal questions, getting my "history". Its just an outline of course. How can one tell their history in a matter of minutes? After the questions we got right to work with the testing.

I decided to get the test done because of my memory and other brain functions being off since treatment. I wanted to see if I have any kind of learning disability and to see where my strong learning abilities are. It was exhausting and quite emotional. I didn't expect that at all. I had an hour off for lunch, but thats it for breaks. I was there from 8:30 till about 3:30, testing non stop. He tested my memory and motor skills mostly. I didn't do so well on the math problems. Math has always been a weak part of my learned skills. I did really well on the part where you see what is missing from a picture. I've always been good at details.

I had two words in my mind when i got home that afternoon. Brain Bootcamp! Thats what it felt like. My brain was so fried afterwards i couldnt do anything but relax.

I do know one thing, I do not want to be a neuro psychologist. No thank you.

I should find out my results in about 2-3 weeks. It will be interesting to see what the doctor says. I got to hang out with his dog named Cowboy for a lot of the testing. He's very sweet. I don't get much dog love lately. Its always good to get animal energy. Good for the soul.

I wonder if the "chemo brain" i've experienced really comes through with the test results. We'll see.

For now i'm just blowing in the wind, seeing where it will take me.

Happy Bunny Day!

I heard that this early Easter isn't going to happen again for around 200 years.

Do we really notice when there's an extra full moon, when Easter comes early, when theres a blue moon, when theres a leap year?

I suppose we do, but i guarantee that I wont be thinking about that next week.

It's the "big" events that seem to stick.

When I got diagnosed with cancer. When my boyfriend died in a motorcycle crash. When I graduated high school. September 11, 2001.

How many dates can one brain remember and put with emotion?



Sometimes you just have to eat dark chocolate bunnies and forget about it!

Happy Ostara!

Its officially spring!

It does not feel or look much like spring outside, but its in the air.

The vibrations of spring are bubbling up.

I hear the birds singing again, seeing Canadian geese.

All good signs.

It really is amazing how all of a sudden you just know its spring. Mother Nature is quite amazing, Mother Earth, Gaia etc....

I believe its the year for women/womyn to show their strength again. Hopefully not in an aggressive manner. But i do believe some people have forgotten how amazing, smart, creative, powerful, influential, women/womyn can be!

Not to mention how beautiful and unique!

I've been trying to get back in touch with my feminine side.

I'm finding it a bit challenging.

With all the scars and hormonal changes, not to mention the osteoporosis, its been a challenge to feel beautiful and attractive. I'm still single, so its a bit of an issue.

will i find someone who will accept my scars and all the issues i have, see the woman/womyn within?

First i need to see it!

Blessed Be!

ST Paddys Day!

Happy ST Patricks Day!

What does it mean to be a saint? I know the dictionary definition is something about being sainted by the church. Only the catholic church? I remember something about Joan of Arc almost becoming a saint, or maybe she recently was dubbed a saint. Only centuries later. Why is it that it takes so long to apologize or give someone what most people think they deserve?

Its like when painters die, they suddenly become worth so much more, monetarily that is.

It would be nice to honor one another now, not wait for something big or over the top to fully recognize the true value in each of us.

So, have a pint of Guinness, kiss a leprecaun, press a four leaf clover in a book, eat a shamrock cookie!

Have a good day and why not look to your loved one and appreciate their "value" now!

One step forward, two steps back

I was really starting to feel better, and looking forward, had a plan of action.

Then the hospital calls.

"We forgot to go over your bone density test with you the other day and theres some news to tell you."

Great.

I met with my oncologist to discuss the results.

I had the bone density test to get a base line for when i get tested later. Since i was/am starting a drug that helps against cancer but causes bone loss, they wanted to get the numbers.

Well, my oncologist was surprised to find out that i indeed already have osteoporosis on my spine and early signs of osteoporosis on my femur (leg bone), called osteopenia.

what!?

osteoporosis at age 38?

yep

It was probably sped up from the heavy doses of chemo i had last year. my dr. thinks it is probably genetic but so far i havent heard of anyone having it early like me and only one person who had it at an old age.

damn chemo

I know it could be worse and i need to look at this with perspective, but geesh!!!!!

Worse case scenario.....my spine collapses and i am hunched over in extreme pain for the rest of my life......well, i suppose thats not the worse case.......

so, i'll be on a drug, possibly for the rest of my life. It will be battling it out with the cancer preventing drug.

I told my doctor that they should start looking into a nursing home for me soon. Thats how i'm feeling now. Old and crumbling.

I went to a party in NH over the weekend. Felt old then too. Lots of young people. One guy hit on me, he was in his 20's. I guess i should feel flattered. But then he went and hit on a young pretty girl. It just reminds me of where i'm at. He asked "what do you do?".

hate that question with a passion

Right now? I'm playing the medication game, and trying- to- stay- positive game. Thats all I can deal with at this moment.

Lotus

Medication Meditation

The looming dark cloud is starting to lift and let the sun shine through.

I went up on a medication and am on a thyroid supplement, thats supposed to
help the medication work better. We'll see if it works with my mood and hot flashes.

I also started another Aromatase Inhibitor to combat the cancer enemies that may be lurking in dark corners of my body.

The side effects are so annoying. The woman who went over all the info on taking the medication and the issues with it told me that it surprises her that people are willing to jump on the chemo train but hesitate when taking a pill. I told her that this pill would be taken for five years or more and the risks are still pretty high, just like chemo. Just because its "just a pill" doesnt mean its any less serious. Chemo comes in a pill form and so does poison.

Right now i'm experiencing constant nausea. I'm on the verge of wanting to be sick all the time. I just have to wait it out and see if that subsides and hope that the major pain I had with the other AI doesnt come into play with the new drug. I really want this drug to work, so i'm going to do my best to ride out the side effects and hope they subside fairly soon.

I want to do all I can to stop any recurrence of cancer. I've seen so many people lately fighting the fight, some who have been down the road at least once before. I don't want to deal with cancer ever again. never again.

Medication Meditation -

I accept the drugs that I am ingesting into my body

These drugs will give me only positive results

These drugs are good for my body

I am grateful for these drugs

Can I get an A-----MEN?!

Blessed Be