One step forward, two steps back

I was really starting to feel better, and looking forward, had a plan of action.

Then the hospital calls.

"We forgot to go over your bone density test with you the other day and theres some news to tell you."

Great.

I met with my oncologist to discuss the results.

I had the bone density test to get a base line for when i get tested later. Since i was/am starting a drug that helps against cancer but causes bone loss, they wanted to get the numbers.

Well, my oncologist was surprised to find out that i indeed already have osteoporosis on my spine and early signs of osteoporosis on my femur (leg bone), called osteopenia.

what!?

osteoporosis at age 38?

yep

It was probably sped up from the heavy doses of chemo i had last year. my dr. thinks it is probably genetic but so far i havent heard of anyone having it early like me and only one person who had it at an old age.

damn chemo

I know it could be worse and i need to look at this with perspective, but geesh!!!!!

Worse case scenario.....my spine collapses and i am hunched over in extreme pain for the rest of my life......well, i suppose thats not the worse case.......

so, i'll be on a drug, possibly for the rest of my life. It will be battling it out with the cancer preventing drug.

I told my doctor that they should start looking into a nursing home for me soon. Thats how i'm feeling now. Old and crumbling.

I went to a party in NH over the weekend. Felt old then too. Lots of young people. One guy hit on me, he was in his 20's. I guess i should feel flattered. But then he went and hit on a young pretty girl. It just reminds me of where i'm at. He asked "what do you do?".

hate that question with a passion

Right now? I'm playing the medication game, and trying- to- stay- positive game. Thats all I can deal with at this moment.

Lotus

Medication Meditation

The looming dark cloud is starting to lift and let the sun shine through.

I went up on a medication and am on a thyroid supplement, thats supposed to
help the medication work better. We'll see if it works with my mood and hot flashes.

I also started another Aromatase Inhibitor to combat the cancer enemies that may be lurking in dark corners of my body.

The side effects are so annoying. The woman who went over all the info on taking the medication and the issues with it told me that it surprises her that people are willing to jump on the chemo train but hesitate when taking a pill. I told her that this pill would be taken for five years or more and the risks are still pretty high, just like chemo. Just because its "just a pill" doesnt mean its any less serious. Chemo comes in a pill form and so does poison.

Right now i'm experiencing constant nausea. I'm on the verge of wanting to be sick all the time. I just have to wait it out and see if that subsides and hope that the major pain I had with the other AI doesnt come into play with the new drug. I really want this drug to work, so i'm going to do my best to ride out the side effects and hope they subside fairly soon.

I want to do all I can to stop any recurrence of cancer. I've seen so many people lately fighting the fight, some who have been down the road at least once before. I don't want to deal with cancer ever again. never again.

Medication Meditation -

I accept the drugs that I am ingesting into my body

These drugs will give me only positive results

These drugs are good for my body

I am grateful for these drugs

Can I get an A-----MEN?!

Blessed Be

100th Post!

Today I write my 100th post!

It's like the parties t.v. shows throw when they have their 100th episode, 80 years, etc...

No parties happening here....

Its snowing once again.

I believe we must have over 100 inches of snow this season so far. Breaking records all over the place.

I just want to live with the groundhogs and come out when its spring again.

Mother Nature....please give us a break!

Conditional Love

Have you ever experienced people who will only love you when you behave as they want you to?

Thats called conditional love.

I wish people would love the whole person good and bad, dark and light, gray and blue, spots and stripes, ....all of it.

People go through ups and downs but I find that when i'm on a down slope like i'm at now, it's even harder to find support. Family and friends only want to be around an "up" person. so when i need people the most they are hard to find.

Yes, i'm having a really hard time right now and would love some words of encouragement, not advice or how I should feel better, just positive thoughts of empathy. thank you.

Remember how people say that pets love us humans unconditionally? Why can't we love one another that way?

Hibernate

I know polar bears don't exactly hibernate, at least I don't think they do, but I couldnt resist this photo.

This is how i'm feeling lately. I have been experiencing excessive fatigue and finding it hard to get through a day without taking a long nap. I'm lucky that i'm able to do that right now.

My Osteopath thinks the fatigue is due to my hormones still sorting themselves out. The whole menopause thing is getting annoying. I swear I had at least a dozen hotflashes yesterday, so bad that I thought I was going to have to change my clothes. yuck. I'm glad the sun is out today but part of me wants to crawl back in bed and not deal with the world.