Day Eleven

Really cool morning today, fall is here.

The farmers market was downtown today. I noticed the orange chinese lantern flowers for sale. I think they are flowers. They remind me of halloween. The orange and red colors are coming out. At least i havent seen any christmas ads yet, thats when it gets depressing.

I was walking down the long hallway to the radiation department and ahead of me was a guy being guided on a gurney to a different room than where i go. I noticed he was reading a book as he was being pushed down the hall. I thought "Well, he must not be that sick if he's reading a book at this time", but then i realized thats not necessarily true. Sometimes we need an escape from whats happening around us.

I wish i had had an escape today.

I dressed as if i was going into battle. My camoflauge shorts, purple bandana, black t-shirt. I was ready for action. I knew i'd be seeing my radiologist and I knew that i'd be confronted with opposition. Lately i've felt i have to fight for validation or understanding of what i'm faced with. After my treatment i waited to see if my radiologist had time to see me, the nurse wasnt sure she was even going to show up. When she did show up i heard the nurse ask the doctor if she had time to see me, her reply was "yes, but not on a regular basis", very stern tone of voice.
Great, cant wait to see her now. I followed her into the room, I told her my symptoms or side effects i've been experiencing. She proceded to tell me that my symptoms were not radiation related and that its stress and i should take some yoga classes. I told her that other survivors i had spoken to have had similar symptoms and that i'm sensitive etc.... She told me again that there was no way those symptoms were related. She was close to my face when she was telling me this. I wanted to yell at her or start crying. But i just looked away.

You know, its hard enough going through treatment but when you have to argue with your doctors to get them to take you seriously, it just takes a lot out of you, the little reserves of energy you have left is sucked out.

I just need to shake it off and tomorrow's a new day.

Only 22 more to go!