Control

I am thinking a lot about how some things in life are out of our control. I have a hard time with that one.

Maybe due to certain traumatic events in my life happening suddenly, i feel the need to have control over what i can and that makes me feel secure? i'm not sure.

I made my decision to have a hysterectomy. I saw my doc yesterday that will perform the surgery with her partner. Now that i've made my decision i want to have the operation NOW. I have to wait 3-4 weeks. Not happy about that. The fear creeps in. What if the estrogen is growing the small cancer cells into tumors as i'm typing this blog? I want the ovaries (especially) out now so the estrogen will decrease tremendously, stop feeding the possible cancer cells.

Now, if i were to look at that rationally, i'd see that i'm being unreasonable or overreacting. When i'm engrossed, and swimming in the tar of my situation, i don't see things as clearly as one would being an observer.

I read my horoscope today on one of the sites i go to and one thing it said was to realize the pace of things right now is exactly the way its supposed to be and to not worry or try to rush things along. Fitting.

Deep breath, aaahhhhhhhhhh.......

I am healthy, I am exactly where i'm supposed to be right now.

Thats my mantra for today.