Sunday, March 24, 2013

Keeping it Real?

Hi Ya'll

A couple of people have said that they want more posts from me lately. I haven't been posting enough I guess?

Well, lots of physical issues have been coming up and I haven't been sure that these issues should be discussed on my blog or not. When does it cross the line to "keep it real'? or does it ever cross the line? I'm putting this question out there to you all and I welcome your feedback.

I ask my family and friends to keep it real but then I hold back on certain things. Especially what my body has been experiencing. Does that mean I'm not keeping it real enough for you all? Or is it ok to keep some things private?

So, I've decided to share some of whats been happening and see how it feels to me to share it and go from there. Maybe I'll share it all, who knows? Its real life right? The physical issues are real and some people will be going thru them so why not put them out there in case people who are just starting out on this journey will be prepared for the possibility of having these same issues come up for them?

So, I'm taking a deep breath and here we go.......warning to people who get grossed out or upset by hearing about bathroom issues, you may want to skip ahead or just be prepared.

I'm still avoiding aren't I ...... LOL, I had a bowel obstruction about what....a month or so ago? Not exactly sure when, my time gauging is not very good lately. So the bowel obstruction meant that my bowels got so impacted that I had to have help getting the bowels out of my body. Enemas, colace tablets, miralax, more enemas, more enemas...did i say more enemas....yep, even more....didn't work!! Some people have had to go to the hospital due to the pain and compaction. I almost had to go. The Indignity of it all was almost as bad as the pain. My mom said she experienced a smaller dose of what I went thru at one point. It is worse, I've been told, than having a baby, the contractions and pain are beyond description. The indignity of it was due to having one or more people taking turns trying to get the bowels out of my bottom. Gloves on and digging in. Horrific!!!! After the nurse left she thought it was all out and I should have been fine, but i had two more horrible times on my own of getting more hard stools out of my body. My nurse has had many many times of experience doing this over the many years of her working as a nurse and she's never seen it be so bad. Oh wonderful! I get another award for being the "best" at something else I didn't want to be the best or worst at. LOL

So, it took about a week after that until my system was calmed down enough to work on its own without cramps or pain or burning.

So, I started taking a lot of things to help prevent this from happening again. Why did it happen? Mostly due to the medications I have been on. They will do this to you for a long time unless measures are taken. So, my body had then wanted to go in the other direction. A bit of diarrhea so I went off of the colace and just stayed on the miralax.

Ok, so lately.....I haven't have too many problems with that. Whew.....thats over right? well, no, not exactly.

What happened recently, which I hope I won't start crying all over my keyboard, was that I was told to wear a pad or those pretend underwear, diapers for adults, until the issue is more balanced. I went to a drugstore and was so tired from all the meds and also felt like I was sleep walking to the aisle where the pads/incontinence underwear was kept. I stared at the underwear. Looking at all the choices. What size do I need? What color, what brand, what .....the hell am I doing in this F-ing aisle!!? I was literally dizzy. I couldn't believe that me, a 43 year old woman was looking at what brand of diapers to pick out for herself. WOW! I finally after minutes of staring, put a package of purple, my favorite color, had to laugh at that one, underwear into my basket. I actually tried to hide the big package with my other small items that could never come close to hiding them. I was starting to feel very emotional. The numbness was over and was moving to the emotion phase. I knew I needed to check out and get the hell out of the store and into my friends car. I saw my friend and told her that I had to get to her car. I had checked out with this young 20 something year old man waiting on me. I was hoping he assumed I was buying them for my grandmother. Who cares what he thinks right?

I had to tell my friend what was going on, and that was embarrassing. She of course understood. She had to wait for some pictures to print out, so I had to tell her I needed her keys to go to her car and cry if I needed to. She was wonderful and brought my stuff to her car and came back. I took the keys and sat in her car. I didn't cry, but felt safe just being out of sight of others. Who i"m sure had not idea of what was happening to me. Its just my fear and just MY anxiety.

I had gone one week wearing them and nothing happened so I thought, what a waste, I'm going to just wear my regular underwear now. And just like Murphys Law or some kind of law, can't remember which one, I woke up at 3am and went to the bathroom. I touched my bum area and I discovered that I had had a bowel movement. OMFG! I started crying and stared at the mirror. WHY?!!! I couldn't believe it. I had to hand wash my clothes and then take a shower with my shower cap on at 3:30 am, tired and in so much physical pain. Crying over and over. Alone.

Is this real enough for ya'll? I hope its not too disturbing and upsetting. I decided that I needed to tell the story. This is part of the indignity I was trying to tell the filmmakers I have worked with, about. There is so much more I know I'll be going thru. This is enough for one day.

I figured why not tell it. Maybe these words will be helpful for someone or someones' family member who may be going thru this experience in the future. It is so awful but its necessary. It's normal when ones' bowels are not working properly. Things happen.

So, today I'm going to spend some time with my wonderful brother who made another trip up to see me this weekend. We're going to see our dad and stepmom Sue and maybe have some local potato made donuts, yummmm.....

I will try not to think about the awful times i've had lately and just focus on the grateful times I've had recently. So many wonderful times. Every single day I am so grateful for what I am still capable to do.

Yesterday I cried in my brothers arms because I was happy he was there and I was taking pictures of some beautiful scenery and I knew that soon I would not be able to do that. I was still taking in all the beauty and still being able to be grateful for still being able to do that.

All around me and all around you is beauty, if only we just stop and look and listen. You'll see it.

Thank you for reading about my ups and downs kind of journey.

Love to you all today!

I can't wait to have a dark chocolate donut with sea salt, yummmm! The donut place is called The Holy Donut. Amazingly good donuts and on the edge of being healthy. Maine potato made and some have savory ingredients, like the bacon and cheddar donut, warmed up.....yuuuummmmy! :)

Did I also mention that two more baby goats have been born at Wolfes Neck Farm in Freeport, Maine? So exciting! I hope to go see them asap. I also got a picture via email of "my" dear dolphin Bellas' baby dolphin via ultrasound. I can't really see whats what but to know i'm looking at her baby makes me so incredibly happy. I wonder if she'll be names Maya.

Blessings every day. Oh, and one more thing I promise....LOL....I got a major change of my hair, new doo, maybe I can upload here, I'll try it and see what happens. I am so happy to change things up yet again. Why not? Live life and your hair will grow back right? Dark chocolate sea salt donut smooches to you all!


Mame, in Lincolnville said...

Yay! You are back at the helm! I am just a friendly fellow cancer patient who loves your writing, and loves Maine.
When the going gets rough, like with the plumbing and hygiene, there will definitely be readers that "get" what you are talking about. They may have been thru times with relatives, caring for them like babies, or being cared for in that way, so that they have a humble understanding of these realities. Our media shaped culture excludes much of the reality of dependency and vulnerability, since it does not look slick, shiny or powerful. And it doesn't sell.
You have a great haircut!
I will be thinking of you and sending all the acceptance-energy that I can. Each day is a miracle.

Anonymous said...

Jenn- I am soooo proud of you for sharing what's been going on. Sharing private things can be sooo difficult and I want to thank you for being real!!! I enjoy reading your blog, no matter what you write or share, I love reading all of it. It's a great way to stay updated on your journey and to just get a sense of what's going on for you. It's a connection in a way and I thank you for that. Ohhh, btw, I've been through the being impacted myself too when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with my son. Nothing worked for me either and I also had to be disimpacted, in the ER!! And then I also experienced the reverse affect following being disimpacted (diarhea, etc). I can sooo relate to all that you wrote about it. Been there, done that, and I feel your pain on the embarrassment of it. But you know what hun? It's real, and it happens to many people out there. So no shame hun, no shame at all.... you're beautiful, inside and out!! :) Ohhh, and I LOVE your new haircut. It looks so pretty!! :)

Thinking of you always!!

Debbie P.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenn,
Thank you for keeping it real. You are right, this is exactaly the stuff people who are dealing with cancer would like to know. You look good, your eyes have a look of inner strength. Great saasy haircut too. Enjoy your donuts and family.

Liz- NYC

StressLess said...

Jenn.... as you know your family.. are with you UNCONDITIONALLY.. and LOVE you dearly.... of course your way of life now is something that takes one aback.. and yet I am with you in keeping it real on your blog .. for being so brave in your writing and in your life and daily hurdles you must jump. Those moments this past weekend were deep and emotional and lovely Jenn... I will never forget. Big (tender) hugs to you my sister.. xoxo

Me From Maine said...

Jenn, I have to agree with the others that I appreciate the "keeping it real" updates. This journey for you, and for so many others, is a chance for growth and connection.

I also love the haircut! Super cute!

As always, sending love your way ~ Val xoxo