Friday, June 28, 2013

BOB

Hi Ya'll

So, I'll start with the nitty gritty stuff and physical issues and then end on a funny note..

First of all, things are changing once again. The pain is increasing every day. I had to have my pain med increased twice in one week. My fatigue is getting worse and worse. My memory is an issue more than usual. Today I was on the phone with a dear friend and she's driving to work. She first went to a convenient store, then called me back, then she was in line at D&D's for coffee, as I was telling her some things that have been going on lately with me. She had to say, just a sec to me three times, to one, give her order, two, to find her money to pay, and three to get her order, oh and four to get upset about how long the line was there and why did she bother going there today. So there were lots of references to being in line for coffee. I had finished my story and was thinking she had just left the store or something I guess, because I asked her if she was at the coffee shop yet. Then it hit me right away at the same time that she said, no I am at work now. I did realize my mistake but not till after I asked the question. It was so clear in my mind that she had not gone to get coffee yet. I never get that off track with whats going on. It may seem little but to me it was a huge change that happened. I started crying and crying and am so upset that these things are happening. It happened with my aunt and uncle two days ago? not sure of that either.....I tried to multi task and be the go-between person and make decisions for others and I got way too overwhelmed and couldn't do it. I had to cancel plans I had made because I had hit my "wall". All plans were canceled for the day. No nap was going to regenerate me. Naps don't do that anymore after I've hit my wall. I have been having lots of twitches and some neuropathy in my legs. My breathing is worse, mostly due to the humidity.

I know I'm sounding frantic....it's because that's how I feel inside. Frantic that things are going downhill fast. Maybe that's ok? Maybe thats what is supposed to happen. I've asked for this. I worry because so many of my family and friends are so very busy and I'm scared I'll be forgotten and be a huge burden.

It's all so unknown and scary and today is most likely the last time I'll see my aunt and uncle, they leave on their plane tomorrow morning back to SC. I said that last time they were here but I feel this time it really is true. How does one say goodbye forever? I just don't think you can really. Not at my stage. I have to just be here now and forever goodbyes don't fit how i'm feeling today, right now. It's still not easy to think of things in that way and to NOT think.....this is the last time forever. ........etc......

So, ....the funny part, at least I think it's funny.

So as some of you know, my dear friend Nancy named my medication pump "Bob" and ever since then everyone who knows that, talks about Bob like he's real. How is Bob today? I found another purse to hold Bob. My nurse says that I may receive a new Bob today, or as I said to her...Bob 2 or 3, I think we're on Bob number 3 now. Soon we'll have little outfits to be made for Bob. Get a wig for him. The scenarios go on and on. We laughed so hard about it after my tears had dried. I wanted to end our conversation on a happy note. The same way I want to end the blog today.......

Keeping it Real

Blessings to you all !

1 comment:

Me From Maine said...

Jenn,

I'm still here. I'm still reading both ehope and your blog. I can feel both the love and the fear that you are going through right now. I guess nothing can prepare any of us for losing control of our bodies and/or minds.

Part of me (and it seems part of you as well) wonders if that is a blessing and part of the detaching "they" say that so many of us on the human plane go through as we prepare to shed our body suit.

It's hard to know what words are a comfort and support. I can only speak from my heart, which you know is my usual mojo. You have a very special place in my heart, Jenn. There's NO WAY I could ever forget you, because it is so infrequent in our lives that we meet people who are REAL. It is so infrequent that we meet people who brush against our path in life and leave ripples of inspiration.

I've been inspired by you to think about every aspect of life. You've reminded me that our journey is always a bit uncertain, and that there are lessons to learn every single step of the way.

I am holding you in my thoughts. As an empath, I share some of the fear of these changes in the speed of your journey. While there is a temptation to send uplifting words, there is also the temptation to simply tell you that I love you.

We are all here with you, Jenn. Our spirits are beside you, and although we cannot walk your walk for you, maybe this great love that all of your friends and family have for you can help carry you and help you feel enfolded in our love.

As you know, I will not say goodbye...I will only ever say goodnight, and see you later. **HUG**