Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Seagulls will get me first!

Hi Ya'll

Well, you may be wondering about the title of my post today. Today is one of the first days in a while that I could keep my windows open and not have my A/C running. The rain was coming down in sheets this morning so my cat Stewie and I lay in bed listening to the rain. Then when the rain was slowing down, the latest noisy addition to my neighborhood is the dozen or so seagulls that are either being fed or there is something most extraordinary out on the roofs. The last few weeks the gulls have become insane. They screech and yell as they are right now and have been all day. Not a little in the morning and a little in the evening. No. All day!!! I now have my A/C on just to dull the sound. Unfortunately I can still hear them but not as much. I can't be the only person upset with this happening. All the other birds I've loved to listen to are being drowned out by the gulls. I love hearing the mourning doves, cardinals, sparrows and finches, chickadees and many other birds. Now all I hear are the gulls screeching like they have found the best meal ever. Fighting and ......
Can you tell I'm a bit bothered by this? LOL

I know its the full moon but this has been happening for weeks now and it seems to be only getting worse. No one is going to want to spend the night if they have to deal with screeching gulls every night and morning. Or maybe I'm the only person upset by this? I know I'm extra sensitive right now and can get upset over small things but this is not small. My home health aide got to see and hear what I'm talking about today. She said she'd go nuts too. 

I have discovered that for sure I'm more sensitive. I picture my body almost turning inside out in a way. My body is experiencing being a baby like body again. My skin is delicate, it rips easy. I have had more cuts lately from little things that I didn't think would cut me but have. I need to be careful due to so much Ibuprofen I'm on that thins the blood. Lots of bruises. I notice I am not having hot flashes anymore, thats something wonderful! I don't sweat as much. Yay!

While I'm bitching I'll share a funny with ya'll. My friend Tanya and I wanted to go to a small beach  the other day and have some quiet time together. Not be with rowdy folks at the big beaches. We were turned away at one place I love, the parking lot was full. I swear you have to get there at sunrise to get a space. So Tanya knew of another small beach. It was great, very very small, a huge Hummer could maybe cover most of the beach area. The tide was going out so we were hopeful we'd get some more beach area. Most everyone was quiet, sitting in a beach chair reading. Perfect! One couple came onto the beach. The man was a bit annoying. He was smoking a cigg and talking loud and saying hi to everyone whether they wanted to say hi or not. I could tolerate him ok. He was nice enough. We were there maybe an hour, probably less., and there is one family that comes onto the beach with their kids, maybe four kids. Its filled up pretty good, then Tanya and I couldn't believe what was happening. About a dozen more people, including their kids, bombarded the beach area. They had their coolers full of beer and they were screaming at their kids and saying to one another, "you better sober up soon!" What?!! It was so incredibly rude and clueless that these people were doing this. It was like a family of loud kids and drunk adults crashed a symphony performance. No awareness of what is going on around them, or they just don't care. So Tanya and I left. The woman next to us asked if she could have our space and we said of course you can and good luck. I just don't understand the people who feel like they have a right to crash a place and make it theirs. I know this is so un-P.C. but we were saying that we got crashed by a bunch of rednecks. Yes, rude stereotype but it sooooo fit them. Babies being unattended to while the mom is drunk and swearing and you name it. Just too much.

So, on our way back we stopped at the cutest little cupcake trailer set up. Cupcakes on wheels. This mini trailer painted pretty pinks and greens was set up in this parking lot with a small table and two chairs next to it. We each got a cupcake. We could have had ice cream with it but that was too much. I barely finished my cupcake. They were wonderful!!

So, I was thinking about how I want to still be able to do for others and finding it harder to do that. Is it ok that I only receive now? Is it ok to just get food from family and friends when I need it and not have to pay them to do so? Is it ok to receive help doing laundry and not pay the person for doing it? I wish I had the money to pay everyone that does something for me something. A gift card to somewhere nice or some gas money and in some cases I have when I was able to. Right now I'm hurting for money until the beginning of the month so it's hard for me to ask for anything but I am in need. My polarity therapist told me thats one lesson i'm here to learn, is to receive and only receive. That I have given a lot over the course of my lifetime and now its ok to just receive and I have to fully receive, meaning without apologizing or having to give something back in return. I think some things are ok, but mostly to feel what its like to fully receive. Wow! Does anyone else have a hard time with doing that? To fully receive without thinking of a way you can pay that person back? In some small or large way?

I hope that my thank yous and the little things I CAN do is enough for people in my life. I won't be here too much longer, or so I think., thought so .... you get the idea.....who knows when, but it seems like its not much much longer, so is it ok to feel the receiving end of things now? Before I go?

Maybe this sounds selfish? Maybe some people are saying or thinking to themselves that I am using my dying as an excuse to just receive? I wonder about these things. I'd love some feedback on what you all think about giving and receiving. Can you just give and not expect a thank you or anything in return? Isn't it about the giving and not the response?

What I would like to give those gulls out my window, is a big box that will fit all of them in and fly them to the moon! No no no.......I don't mean it. Or maybe I do.


S. R. Roy said...

Giving is such a soul-expanding activity that it seems unthinkable that there would ever be a time in one's life when it would become an impossible or undesirable task. Even if it's only with a loving word, a warm smile, or an unexpected kindness, when we focus on the needs of another, I believe we heal us both.

Thank you, Jenn, for continuing to write, even though it's difficult to do so. It's one of the ways in which you can continue to give.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Sue said it perfectly. Only she left out ... Damn those seagulls! :)

And don't worry about the giving/receiving thing. You are giving us all so much, through your words and light.


Me From Maine said...

Hi Jenn,

I think it is absolutely OK to just receive, but remember that you *ARE* giving. Sharing your journey with friends and family is a gift to us all. I can't tell you how blessed I feel to be able to watch your journey. Whenever you share your journey with us, I learn something. It is hard to put to words what wonderful things my heart learns through your journey and by playing some tiny, microscopic role in the periphery of your journey through letting you know how much you are touching me.

Your very presence on earth is the gift, Jenn. The love your friends and family are showering upon you is a reflection of the love you have shared with them over the years. Embrace it and be enfolded by it **HUG** ~ Val