Thursday, July 11, 2013

The Sun Will Come Out....Tomorrow?

It has been a cloudy, rainy, muggy Summer the last few weeks off and on. A couple of decent days in there, but for me it's been hard. The humidity keeps me indoors most days due to not being able to breathe well. Oxygen wouldn't even help too much on days like that, with 96 percent humidity or worse. So, I have been trying to just take it day to day.

It was a really rough day yesterday, emotionally. I did have a dear friend come over in the evening time and listened to my tearful feelings. She read some kids bedtime stories which was so great! I love being read to. My mom and a dear friend have been reading Anne of Green Gables to me off and on. So much fun. The writing of Miss Montgomery is spectacular and so flowery. Lots of words she used I have never heard of. I love using my imagination about Anne who talks about HER imagination all the time and how good hers is. I hope my imagination will kick in a bit better soon. The days are so long and nights even longer. I am struggling right this minute to even type this. My fingers are having trouble with the pressure of the keys or maybe the movements going back and forth? My back is aching from sitting upright in the chair to do the typing. I am determined to blog and I know of at least two people who would transcribe for me if i wanted to record my blogs into my phone. I feel it's hard to do that. The flow of writing happens when I'm typing. It seems to be easier than thinking of what to write. I just start typing and it comes out. So I am curious to see if it would be a lot harder to speak out loud my blog or not. I won't know until I give it a go I suppose.

I had to say goodbye to a dear friend, yesterday, who I will most likely never see again. She lives in Australia. It was a very difficult goodbye for reasons I'm not sure she would want me to type here or not. I will miss her tremendously. She is a woman who has had her hard hard times but also a woman who I have always seen as being very independent and strong. Doesn't put up with anyones' crap and yet can snuggle up to her kitty cats and has the best smile around. I didn't want to let go of her. Her husband was with her as well, lovely man. I'm so glad I got to see him as well.

Letting go is something I am becoming a champion of. Today I had a cane delivered to me. I could choose from black or black. One was a bit old lady-ish and the other is more modern but didn't seem as sturdy. It folded up, so that was appealing as well, but if it means being more comfortable walking versus looking good then I've always been one for safety. Well, not always. lol....

Too many seemingly small losses to grieve over lately. It seems like almost every day there is some little thing I am no longer able to do.

Yes, I"m on my pity pot today and I think one is allowed to be on it once in a while.

My mom likes to say "Old age ain't for sissys'" and when she said it the other day I said immediately after "Cancer ain't for sissys' either".

Every day I feel the cancer tightening around my ribcage and upper back. My leg and arm muscles and chest. I look in the mirror naked and don't see myself much anymore. I'm disappearing before my eyes. Not fast but subtly. I had to go down in pant size again. It's getting expensive to keep buying new pants. I just bought two pairs of shorts this time. That makes me sad. It's not normal to be size four in my body. I don't know what I weigh due to not owning a scale. Hate them.

I don't think I'm quite at the anorexic looking stage yet, not far off.

I am so grateful for so much even today. It is just a bad day and I will see the sun shine again and be more cheerful again I'm sure.

As a dear person I know whose wife died of cancer used to say, (both of them said it.....)
CANCER FUCKING SUCKS!!!

He and his wife are not the kind of people by looking at them, would you ever expect them to say that, so it cracked me up even more so. She was such a dear person that I got to know near the end of her life, thru my mom. Cancer being the connection between us.

Today I realized that two people are in my life a lot stronger than I think would have normally  happened, but are because of the cancer coming back. So I know that I'm lucky in so many ways and
am grateful for so many wonderful people in my life who support me. It is still a very lonesome place to be and now that I'm coming up to a year since I started to get the symptoms of the cancer coming back and in August I was officially re-diagnosed, I am really ready to go. I still can't believe I'm still here. Maybe there is a reason for it? Sometimes I feel I'm being punished for something. I don't think it works that way. Whatever "it" is.

Ah well....off to bed and I hope to wake to sunshine and birds tweeting out my window ledge.

Good night all!

3 comments:

Me From Maine said...

Why hello there :) The first thing that jumped out to me when you mentioned your cane was that a bit of colorful duct tape wrapped around it might brighten it up a bit. Geneva and I are on the hunt for you!

Farewells are so tough. It really is true that cancer sucks...it sucks so much out of the body that the mind and soul are left to adjust. The soul knows that everything has its purpose, but the mind tries to reason it all out and find answers or attempt to find balance amidst the waves of undulating emotions.

I think that whatever method of blogging or communicating for you feels right in the moment is the best one for you. I think you'll know your body cues in terms of which method is best.

Just know that we are all still here and still reading...and most importantly still caring about what you have to say. **HUG**

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post my dear friend. Your words about this experience will no doubt be very helpful to others. What you wtite about is pretty much what folks want to know and you communicate in such a easy -to-take-it-in way. One day at a time Jenn.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post my dear friend. Your words about this experience will no doubt be very helpful to others. What you wtite about is pretty much what folks want to know and you communicate in such a easy -to-take-it-in way. One day at a time Jenn.


Liz NYC