Happy Summer Solstice!

June 21st was the solstice, starting off summer, technically it was friday night....

Its been rainy and cool for the most part except today was hot and humid but no sun, a sticky mess.

But, its summer! My favorite season in Maine!

To honor the solstice I lightened my hair a bit. It wasn't the color I was going for but I think i'll get used to it eventually, hopefully before it grows out again. When my hair grew back it grew back much much darker. So much so that a friend I recently met said he thought my hair was dark brown in the picture he saw on my MySpace page. That did it for me, time for a change as the season changes.

I went to a fancy boutique today that specializes in wedding party attire. Theres going to be a fund raiser for the Cancer Center I go to on thursday. Its going to be at a board members beautiful home and it includes a fashion show. I was asked to be one of the "models" for the bridal dresses. I was thinking I could be like cinderella and dream of some day perhaps getting married. Wear an expensive dress that I would probably never buy but could dream of wearing, feel special for a couple of hours.

Then I get there and the woman running the shop today asks me if I'm supposed to try on the brides dress or the mother of the brides dress. I assumed it was only going to be brides dresses. Wrong! I am going to play the part of the mother of the bride! great!

It seems almost worse than being the brides maid and never the bride,.... being the mother of the bride, ...when A. i'm not a mother and won't ever have children, B. I've never been married before and C. I'm menopausal.....so i suppose its perfect, just a bit depressing. The woman playing the part of the bride is gorgeous, shes' almost too perfect, so it makes sense to have her be the bride. It was just a bit of a let down thats all. I'll be wearing a beautiful outfit and it cost more than I pay for groceries all month, so I really can't complain.

My cinderella glass slippers will just have to stay in their box for another day.

Balance

sorry i havent written lately...

I went to visit my brother, his girlfriend, and his two boys in the Berkshires for 4 days.

It was wonderful to see them. I realized it had been almost a year since i'd seen them and that was when i was finishing up my chemo. Not the best kind of visit to have.

I rented a car and drove the 4 or so hours there. They live in such a beautiful home in the woods. Their dog is a sweetie too, had fun playing fetch with her, she wanted to play tug o war mostly.

I was chatting with a friend today and we discussed Balance.

What does it mean to find balance in your life?

I've mentioned this before here that its been a challenge to do the things i want to do and yet be aware of the things that might cause some problems if i over do them. Such as eating too much salt, or lifting heavy items, or being repetitious with activities. There are so many "shoulds and should nots" to be aware of. If i were to limit myself to everything i'm not "supposed" to do, i'd have a really boring life.

Yesterday i got a cautionary lesson.

I had a lovely lunch with my father outside at my favorite japanese restaurant. I forgot to bring sunblock and got a horrible burn on my arms. I have a fancy looking farmers tan! :)

I am not supposed to get burned because it could cause lymphedema. I do NOT want lymphedema! I wasnt thinking of putting on lotion because my mind didnt go to the possibility of eating outside in the sun. I was thinking, "lunch with dad"....dont need lotion.

Now i know better.

I've been lathering on aloe and aquaphor, I used that during radiation treatments.

So, its a balance.

My friend said, "well, thats life, isnt it?"

True.

I guess I just wish i didnt have all these extra worries to think about now.

I suppose if it wasnt this, it would be something else.

I was able to balance my fun with my brother without overdoing it, going for a light hike, seeing some wonderful performance poetry, eating great food, playing with my nephews.

so, i got burned....lesson learned.

I hope.

Next lesson? we'll see.....

Patience and Tolerance

I woke up this morning to a sticky humid day. We're supposed to have high heat and humidity until at least wednesday.

I fed my cat Stewie and then he wanted to play with his gold bow, the kind you put on christmas presents, he loves his bow so much!

As most of you know I adopted Stewie about two weeks before I found my dreaded lump. I feel he came to me at the right time for the right reasons. Comfort, Love, Healing.

When I adopted him he was very scared and had been traumatized. I wasn't sure I could find the patience to wait and see if he could relax and be the cat I so needed in my life. It was a challenge to wait it out. Some days I wanted to bring him back to the shelter and tell them it wasnt going to work out. Something told me to just wait, breathe, be patient, he'll come around. This wasn't about ME, it was about what Stewie needed.

He used to growl and hiss at me, stay under my bed all day. I began to take it personally like he was reflecting my emotions back at me. I was somehow causing all this drama.

After about 2 weeks and when I found the lump he started to come around. I didn't get the lump checked right away. It was Thanksgiving and then Christmas, I didn't have time to worry. I would see my new OBGYN in January. Now I realize I should have gotten it checked out immediately. Lesson learned.

Stewie started to trust me. He would sit on my lap for about 5 seconds. Then he would let me pet him for more than a second. Eventually he even allowed me to pick him up. Every time some new goal was met i'd tell my friend Nancy about it. We would celebrate and feel the joy of a cats love and trust. It became a challenge for me. What could I do next? What would Stewie allow me to do?

Now he sits on my lap for quite a while. He especially loves to sit there if I have a certain pair of jeans on. I'm thinking of making a cat bed out of jean material. He's got his quirks and attitude and still gets nervous when I do certain things.

I was patient with him and earned his trust and in turn has given me so much love.

This morning I realized that he still has his issues but don't we all?

He came with terror and sorrow and all the baggage of a soul being traumatized. He also came with asthma. When we played this morning he could only play for so long before his lungs got overworked and he had to rest. He has limits and thats ok. We can work with that.

I realize that we all have limits, we all have boundaries.

Sometimes I think that I have so much baggage or issues that I wonder if anyone can find the patience to deal with me?

My true friends and family have stuck by me through all the drama and terror and sadness. They have showed patience and trust that I just do things differently. I am going forward at a steady pace. It may not be as fast as people may want me to go, but I'm still going, at my own rate, not anyone elses.

Just like Stewie, I have to do what feels right for me.

I am making progress even if it seems like i'm not.

The people in my life that can't understand or want to change that? I can't help that or make them change their view. All I can do is be true to myself and move forward, even if its at a snails pace. I'll get there eventually, even if I trip along the way.

Monkey Mind

Do you ever have moments when your mind goes from one thought to another, to another, to another...etc?

I heard the term monkey mind during a meditation once. The idea of meditation, well, ...what i've learned,... is to eventually quiet the mind or at least be able to notice the thoughts coming and going like on a river, floating on a leaf. You can watch it make all its winding turns before you can't see it anymore. Each thought can come and go like that. Another thought I want to add is this morning when i was doing dishes my MM started up and i told myself to focus on the dish i was washing and it worked, its a Thich Nhat Hanh method I believe, ...be in the moment with the dishes.......:)

Well, lately i've had monkey mind like crazy! I started a new med to help with some anxiety and such, and it didnt go so well. It put me into a daze and then caused some insomnia. No fun. Then when i went off of it yesterday it caused extreme anxiety. I got a lot of house work finished but it wasnt fun.

I wish sometimes we could switch our brains off at night along with the lights. Have you seen the movie "Alien"? The aircraft crew go into these pod like devices to sleep until they get to their destination. Almost like they are anesthetized.

Some day I bet we'll have devices to help us turn off the monkey mind and get a decent nights sleep.

For now i'm counting sheep, watching the river flow (then having to go to the bathroom), counting my breaths, drinking sleepy time tea, and waiting for the meds to get out of my system.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Am I Doing Enough?

I've been thinking a lot about respecting the planet and doing things that I feel will benefit me financially as well as reusing etc...

I believe I do quite a bit for that sort of thing. There are certain things that are challenging but if I were to just take the extra time, they are possible. Its funny when we as humans get into our routines. Its a challenge to break them and start something new.

For example....I needed to replace my shower curtain liner. Its been over 6 months or so since I last got one. I have a cloth curtain and use a liner. The liner gets mildewy and starts to get that moldy smell. Ideally I could wash the liner. Right.....I just can't seem to justify taking the time to remove the liner from all those loops and lay it out on my living room floor and wash it. So I throw it away. Yep, all that plastic into the land fill.

Some day I will figure out how to wash one, or get a liner that doesnt need to be washed, or move into a place that makes it easier to do that kind of thing....

The things I do accomplish are using dish wash cloths instead of sponges, I can wash them with my laundry. I recycle all my paper/plastic/aluminum etc.... I reuse plastic baggies until they get funky or worn out. I try to not buy plastic containers, stick to glass. (buy bulk lettuce/mesclun). I bring my cloth bags to the grocery store (when I remember to), I don't have a car, so I walk most places or take a bus. I try to buy organic and local produce. I save my compost and my friend who has a garden takes it for me. I'm sure theres more....oh , and I try my best not to shop at Walmart or big corporate stores. Local is better!

So, what things can you do to respect Mother Earth and to save some money as well....maybe switching your lightbulbs to more efficient and earth friendly ones? Maybe throw some cloth bags into your car to shop with? Ask for paper instead of plastic?

If you start with just one thing, a trend can start.

I spoke with a guy recently who washes those styrofoam holders that the chicken gets packaged on., he washes them and when he has a stack of them brings them to a school or some business who can use them, say for paint pallets or mixing plates, or some sort of project.

Theres always going to be that one thing thats hard to change, like throwing out that plastic liner.

I'm working on it.

Pondering

I'm sitting here on my couch, laptop on my lap, listening to the early morning birds sing their songs.

Its sunny out, beautiful temperature, whats there to be sad about?

Sometimes when things look and feel like nothing could be wrong with the world, it still is.

I've been in a funk for the last few days or so. Yesterday was not so good.

I know I "should" be enjoying the spring weather and getting out and appreciating all that the world offers. Thats not how it works sometimes.

Some days I just feel awful and theres no rhyme or reason for it.

I want to dissect my brain and figure out WHY!

Then I realize there is no why, and thats frustrating. I am a person who wants to figure it all out, and say "look, thats why this is happening!"

Not everything can be explained. Look at God or Goddess or Allah or Buddha or whatever higher power you want to honor, can we really explain or prove them? No.

I've been pondering my life and of course judging it fiercely. I'm not doing enough, i'm not happy enough, i'm not interesting enough.......the list goes on.

When will I be ok with myself and realize that I AM enough?

I know this isnt an inspiring blog today, but sometimes I need to just be real and say whats on my mind. Maybe this can be a thought provoking blog in a time when Memorial Day brings on so many emotions?

Theres so much sadness in the world right now, with the deaths in China and Myanmar and all over the world. Sometimes it just gets so overwhelming. I want to fix the world and when I can't i want to hide under the covers and say "whats the point of all this?"

Then the next day I wake up and I see the beauty again.

Its all about faith and trusting that life does have a purpose even with all the darkness.

More Light

I looked out my window a few minutes ago and realized it was still light out, and its 8pm!

I love this time of year, the days get longer and nature comes to life. I think of the word HOPE.

A dear young friend of mine who also has a blog asked about trips we have taken. I was reminded of when I was in Scotland. I went to the Isle of Skye and camped out near the ocean on a small beach. Really beautiful and peaceful. My friend and I didn't realize that it was the time of year when the light wins out over the dark. The sun didn't go down until around midnight and then came back up again a couple hours later. It was the oddest thing to not have much darkness. Our bodies have a hard time adjusting to the change. Its a little discombobulating. I kept looking at my watch in disbelief, wondering if the sun would go down and if we had traveled into a time warp.

It had the feeling of time standing still.

Many times I had wanted time to stand still when I was feeling good, not wanting things to change. Other times I would want time to go faster, especially when I was in treatment. I felt lousy and wanted to come out on the other side. Time could not go fast enough.

Now I am ok with how time is traveling. Every day is a blessing and seeing the sun out at 8pm reminded me of that today.

My parents used to tell me, as i'm sure many parents have told their children, that before we knew it we'd be all grown up and time would go by faster as we got older. Its so true. When I was young the summers seemed to last forever, each day was filled with adventure. Maybe as we get older we just appreciate time more and realize that it can go by us without us noticing. When you have a serious disease or illness I believe that feeling triples in force.

I'm not saying that I appreciate every minute of every day. I really don't. I'm human and lots of days I don't "do" anything, but I do appreciate being here and experiencing what I am doing, even if its just writing in this blog.

The blue sky is now turning to a beautiful indigo, and in a few minutes it will be black out my windows.

Tomorrow the sun will stay out even longer, one more minute to watch the sunset, one more minute to see the shadows turn to black. One more minute to ponder the days activities.