Decision Made

Hi ya'll

OK....the decision is made!!

whew, this was the hardest decision i've ever had to make. wow!

I would start with asking if people could not vent their anger or disapproval towards me. I get that not every one is going to agree with my decision. It is MY decision and really need support and positive energy right now.

I was about 90 percent sure that I was going to do Western Medicine again, which includes chemo and two other major drugs. Along with those drugs there is always anti-nausea, anti-anxiety, steroids, immune booster shots....and so forth and so on. Last treatment I had a table full of pill bottles.

I couldn't imagine the thought of NOT doing treatment. It scared me SO much. I wouldn't even sit with it for longer than 30 seconds. I focused on which treatment I wanted to go with. I researched all the drugs recommended by my amazing oncologist. I do think he's one of the best doctors i've ever worked with. I was and am so lucky. If you have to have an oncologist, he's the man!

So, when I was researching it all,  I was in anguish. High anxiety, nausea, etc...

A week ago Saturday I was making my iced herbal tea as i had been doing for a couple weeks before, i pour hot water into my glass pitcher with a metal ladle in it. Apparently I poured too fast or put in too much? I turned my back to the pitcher to pour out the remaining liquid from the kettle into the sink and I heard a whoosh sound. Suddenly my bare feet were on fire! I pushed myself off the ground from the sink ledge. Then realized I couldn't hold myself up there anymore and had to literally walk thru a river of scalding hot water to get to my bathroom and then jumped into the tub and turned the cold water on. I was hyperventilating. I then called my friend who was about 45 mins away, on her way to me, telling her she'd have a big mess to clean up when she got here.

We almost went to the hospital. I've never had burns this badly. The backs of my heels and top of my left foot mostly, and a bit on the bottoms of my feet were burned.

I got thru the night somehow but now had to lay on my back and think.....

I truly feel like the Universe was telling me to STOP and LISTEN. The next day my friend went to the store to get me some groceries. I knew I had some time to myself.

I put on a cd that has been helping me relax. Its a wonderful crystal bowl CD. Sound therapy is amazing! I laid down and put some crystals on my chakras. Quartz and Amethyst mostly. The energy I felt was beautiful!

I then asked myself to really look at what it would be like to NOT do treatment. What would it feel like and look like. Scary.

This may sound like woo-woo stuff to some of you out there but I swear it was like someone had put a DVD into my brain. It played out a story of what it could look like.

I saw myself telling my oncologist that i wasn't doing treatment and then it was all about JOY!

I saw myself laughing and doing things I have always wanted to do, on my bucket list. One of the top things is to swim with the dolphins or have them swim around me. Always been a dream. I saw it happen. I saw ME being ME for as long as I can. It was so elating and calming and joy-filled!

When I came out of the meditation I was extremely happy and light! When my friend came back from the store I wanted to tell her so badly. I knew my step sister was coming over so I waited till she got here and told them both. I wanted to tell them first anyway. They are so important in my life.

I was bubbly and giggling and it was like I was telling them I had won the lottery or something of that nature.

I told them that I was NOT doing treatment. Not Western Medicine anyway. I went on to explain how I came about the decision and of course there were tears but mostly I got support from them both.

On Tuesday I told my Oncologist and he was so supportive. He asked what his team can now do for me. Wow!

Now, I want to make very clear. I am not delusional in thinking that this is going to be fun and games and joy all the time. Absolutely not. I know there is going to be really rough days and bad days of desperation and so forth. I am trying to focus on the positive and the hope of good days to come. I've had some pain and bad days since the decision.

The biggest point for me is that I get to stay ME as long as I can. I know in every fiber of my being that the drugs recommended from my Oncologist will make me depressed and suicidal and very very sick.

I just know this. I know how I felt last time and how I felt after this latest surgery with all the pain meds and other meds pumped into me. NOT GOOD.

Meds can really change your psyche and affect your mood.

I've had depression most of my life. Since some tragic events in my life occurred my depression has expanded to a scary level. Then cancer happened 5 years ago and my depression expanded again. It took me about 3 years after treatment and a hysterectomy to come to a good place emotionally. The last two years have really been probably the best two years of my life, at least my adult life. As far as my mental/emotional well being is concerned. It was like someone had lifted some filters off my eyes. I saw so much beauty i hadn't seen before, everywhere!

I don't want to mess with that. Its so precious to me.

I know the drugs would take it away at least temporarily if not permanently.

If the drugs were a guarantee of working I may look at things differently. There is a slight chance that I could go into remission.

I am stage four metastatic cancer.

I have been thru major treatment already. I'm not doing that again.

I know there are people out there that fight fight fight till the end. Thats not the right path for me. I AM fighting and have been fighting all my life. Now its time to stop the fight and live and be happy for as long as I am able to.

I AM fighting for myself now. I'm fighting to live the way I want to live. I am LIVING.

So, details.....

This wonderful program is going to be set up for me called eHope.nu   I met with the founder yesterday who is a wonderful man named Jeffrey Wood. He and my friend Liz came over to fill me in on what they offer. Basically its a support system on line. All my friends and family who are able to help me out can sign up and the website really works for everyone. I look forward to seeing how it works for me.

Also, hospice. I had my first meeting and enrollment yesterday from a nurse who came by. Lots of information to process. Scary and not so scary. I am still in control. I can decide how much help I want and I can cancel hospice if I feel better and don't need them. Hospice does not mean that this is it!

I will be doing some "alternative" medicines like CHAGA, a friend is making me a tincture. I will be doing some energy work, getting reiki and so forth. I really want to live as long as I can and hope to do so.

I don't have the resources to hire a macrobiotic chef or my own naturopathic doctor or things of that nature but I CAN cut back on sugar and eat much better and so on and so forth. The path that works for ME.

Thats really whats important. To take the path that works for YOU. Its not giving up or giving in by not going to Western Medicine. Its really the opposite actually. I believe it takes some major courage to listen to what your body and soul wants and go forth with that decision.

So, there you have it.

My decision.

It really does feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders and I am happy with my choice.

More updates soon! Thanks for reading!

Blessings to you all!

Update

So, I haven't written since March 2011, wow!

I really thought I was finished with this blog.

Apparently not.

Update....

Last June (2012), i was experiencing some breathing problems. I attributed that to being out of shape and continued doing Zumba and other practices. As time went on my breathing got worse and at the end of June I got a chest cold. The symptoms of the cold went away but the breathing issue did not and got much much worse. One day I couldn't walk a half a block without being out of breath. I knew this was not normal for me. I don't own a car and walk everywhere and take buses as needed.

I then walked myself to the nearest hospital.

I wish now that i had asked someone to meet me there.

I was given a nebulizer which made my blood sugar go nuts and made me feel soooo jittery. Plus it didn't help. I then had a chest x-ray and when the doctor came in to give me the results I was NOT prepared to hear what he told me.

He said my right lung was more than half way filled with fluid. No wonder I was having breathing problems. I was working on 1 1/2 lungs.

Next the doctor said he was getting the pulmonologist on call to come down and assess the situation and see if I needed to have the lung drained now or maybe i could come back later as an outpatient. I wish I had pushed for the last option.

The pulmonologist that came down seemed nervous and I, again, wish I had listened to my gut. He wanted to "tap" the lung now! I let him. damn.

It was one of the most barbaric and painful procedures i've ever been thru. I've had my share of surgeries and painful procedures my whole life. This one SUCKED!

I then went home and about a week and a half later the lung was filled up again. I saw my oncologist who then said i really needed to have it drained again and then get a CAT scan after to see whats going on. He assured me that it would be much less painful and they'd use an ultra sound machine, give me plenty of drugs etc.... Well, it was again, very painful and horrible. Luckily I had my sister with me. Apparently the lanacane drugs they used don't work on me. I felt it all. The doctor and nurses were baffled. I warned them and they didn't believe me. Lesson learned for me.

So, I told my oncologist there was no way in hell i was doing that again!

He told me there was some abnormalities from the CAT scan i had done after the second "tap".

Great! NOT!

It looked like possible bone cancer. WHAT!!!??

He was thinking that my breast cancer was back and that I needed to get a bone biopsy to make sure and also we had to deal with my right lung which was already filling up again.

I went on a waiting list of sorts to have this surgery to drain the lung and get a biopsy. Then during the surgery if its possible, seal up the lining of the lung with talcum powder. That should prevent the liquid from coming back.

I won't get into all the details of the surgery other than to say it was hell. I was admitted to the hospital as an emergency. Pain meds made me sick, PAIN PAIN PAIN!! lost 20 pounds in a week by not eating and getting sick. I was told it wasn't going to be a big deal..... then after the surgery i find out that its going to be 6-8 weeks of recovery for my lung. WHAT?!! I was pissed and depressed to say the least.

So, the biopsies that were taken from my lung and oh yeah, the PET Scan i also had before that, (bone biopsy was inconclusive and painful), showed that yes indeed my breast cancer is back. Its back on my thoracic spine which is painful now, parts of my sternum, a couple of lymph nodes, and of course my right lung lining.

If my cancer was back ONLY in the bones I may have some time to decide on treatment or try alternative, more natural remedies. The fact that the cancer is attacking my right lung lining means that its aggressive. I have very little time to decide on treatment. I feel like alternative therapies won't help right now with little time and little case studies to show me otherwise. I don't know how fast all those treatments would work.

So, while i'm in major pain from healing from this MAJOR surgery, i need to decide IF i want treatment and what kind by next week. I would have to start treatment while i'm still recovering.

Do I want to not do treatment and just do end of life care? Is my body telling me to stop stop stop? Is this another "test" to see if i can pass this hurdle and do the aggressive treatment that could kill me or give me many other health issues? My oncologist is "optomistic" that the treatment he recommends will shrink the tumors and may give me remission for years. Or....it may not, it may kill me, it may do nothing and my depression could get worse and worse. Thats a huge issue for me. I live alone.

I'm looking at quality of life.

What does that mean?

Well, i'm trying to figure that one out too.

Part of me wants to stop everything and just live as long as i have to live. But the pain is getting worse and i've discovered there isn't a lot of pain meds out there that work or don't make me sick. So, what does that mean? PAIN!!! I could look into assisted suicide options. ....sigh....

If i go with the not so aggressive treatment and it doesnt work then what? more treatment?

If i go with the most aggressive treatment, i roll the dice to see if my heart doesnt quit on me or that it doesnt give me another cancer or gives me MS or .....etc.....death.

I've seen many friends go thru treatment after treatment and surgery.....then die. In pain and misery. I DONT want that.

Time isn't what i have. If it was in my bones only i'd have more time and could do my bucket list and so forth. I don't have that "luxury" right now. The fucking C is attacking me right now! I can feel it.

Am I scared? You bet as shit i'm scared. I am all over the place.One minute i think i can fight this and the next i say i'm done!! And everything in between. I'm 42 years old, single and wanting to have more time. You can't always get what you want.

People can tell me what they think THEY'D do, but really people.....you do NOT know what you'd do unless you are in my shoes. I know this for a fact!! I thought i'd NEVER do chemo again after last time, five years ago. But when you are faced with a life or death question, it is so different. It is a place like no other place to be.

I just wish my guardian angel would come to me and tell me what I should do. Right now I really can't decide.

The hourglass is running out. The wicked witch is knocking on the door. What do i do?

Anger and Listening

Anger is such a taboo subject for lots of people I know.

In my little world, anger is not acceptable. I've grown up to learn that only certain people

in my family are "allowed" to be angry and express it. When I do, it is met with worry, concern, a temptation to make it go away.

Anger is a human emotion. I didn't grow up at a Buddhist temple after all, far from it.

I have had a lot of anger around me growing up and therefore it scares the hell out of me most of the time.

I am angry now. I'm frustrated and impatient. I'm angry with certain people for not even trying to understand me or get to know me. Those same people preach about subjects they know nothing about and try to preach it to me. Not helpful!

When I was going thru cancer treatment and people who have not had cancer try to give me advice and tell me to be positive etc.....that would really make me mad. People should not assume they know about something when they have not had the experience themselves. Everyone is different in how they can handle situations too. Everyones' bodies are individual. Cancer treatment affects everyone differently. Just like other things, like depression or trauma and grief.

I try to come at the irritation from a psychological view as well. Why is this person or that person judging me or others on subjects they know nothing about? Is it their insecurities rearing their heads? Is it frustration with how their lives are going so they feel the need to tell others how to live?

I am not exempt from doing this too. I've told people how to do things, but i mostly try and say it in a way that is coming from a place of what worked for ME. Lately I'm even stepping back from that and just trying to listen unless the person really asks for my help and advice. Sometimes people just want to be listened to.

Life can be so overwhelming. Lately with the situation in Japan and events all over the world....life is hard enough. When you feel like you don't even have the support of your family it can make life even harder and more challenging to deal with. Very isolating.

Yes, i'm ranting and I suppose I needed to do so. This is an especially hard time for me. Spring is coming and most people are really happy and uplifting about that fact. Did you know that April is one of the most popular months for suicide?

It is a time for growth and also for lots of change, anxiety, stress. The pressure that you are "supposed" to feel energetic and happy that Spring is here when in fact it is a very hard time emotionally. The guilt of feeling bad when others feel good can be consuming at times.

So, I guess my point of todays post is to remind people out there that sometimes people just want your time. They don't need your advice or judgments or fixing. Just listen and maybe you'll learn something about someone you didn't know before.

And .....anger is OK, as long as we don't get stuck in it.

Any comments....? if anyone is out there that is :)

November Rain

I haven't blogged here in months and months....i'm sure no one is still checking for posts but i wanted to write today

I have never liked the Fall and especially November.

There is always sickness and/or death at this time of year. Very depressing.

It's the time of year when the leaves die from trees, the crops have all been harvested (most of them) and the sun has weakened in strength.

Introspection

The last year or so has brought death to two friends of mine and some other people I know of thru cancer.

Last Sunday another friend died of cancer. Jennifer Willey(blog listed on left). She was only 31 and had been dealing with the hell of treatments and such for at least 5 years.

I only met her once in person and have followed her blog for over 3 years. We were supposed to try and have lunch sometime, hang out. That never happened.

Today I'm going to her wake

A good friend of mine is also dealing with major pain and issues from cancer. I went to see her in PA with my best friend who has been friends with Lina for years and years. I have only known her for a few years now. She is a wonderful, extremely giving, thoughtful, magical, beautiful person. I hate to see her in so much pain and discomfort.

I haven't been able to cry. I'm feeling emotional but no tears come.

I wonder if the wake will release the flood gates? It may be the trigger.

I try to look at all the beauty of this time of year as well, but lately its been really challenging.

I did cook my first ever turkey yesterday. I was on my own with my cat Stewie. That way no one is disappointed if it didn't come out ok. It turned out alright. Being on my own was actually pretty nice. Mellow day.

I am thankful and grateful for all the abundances in my life, including all my family and friends.

I just wish i could appreciate the Fall better. I"m working on it.

Todays' Horoscope

Libra, Monday, 24 May 2010

Daily, Yesterday, Weekly, Monthly, Year Ahead

Everyone on Planet Earth is going through deep psychological change of one kind or another now. None of us are able to hang on to the way things once were. The changes happening in your life now represent a significant opportunity. You don't have to stick with an old idea of who you are, who you must 'pretend to be' and how you must limit your expectations for the future. You're coming out of a shell and into a state of mind that is more vulnerable in one way â€" yet, in another, far more likely to bring you real power.

Kite Flying

I went to a kite festival today. It was incredibly windy...almost too much for the kites. It was still a lovely day. I attached a picture of one of the kites I saw.

It got me thinking about flying.

I love to watch the birds in the morning and seeing them fly from tree to tree talking to one another.

We humans say we are more evolved than birds and other animals but I have to wonder about that. They have a system that seems to work pretty well with one another. They have predators and such but otherwise it seems they live pretty peacefully.

I think we could learn from the birds and other animals. How we treat one another and how we treat the earth and its resources.

I walked a lot today and now my legs and feet are aching. On my way back from the festival I sure would have rather flapped my arms and flew the last leg home.

I am grateful for being able to walk as much as I do. I know there are many people who aren't able to do that. There are people that are bed ridden from illness or disability. I have a friend who is still recovering from a brain aneurism and is learning how to transfer from a chair to the bed or another chair. Its a huge effort she has to make to do so.

I do realize I am lucky to have pretty decent health over all considering all my body has been through over the years.

Lately, however, I have been feeling pretty old. I know part of it is just getting old and part of it is my recovery from cancer treatment and of course the other part is that I am out of shape and could do more to take care of myself.

I do miss being able to do certain things without being in pain and having to recover from it. I carried two heavy bags with a backpack as well, yesterday, and I'm recovering from that. The bags were too heavy and my back, neck and feet are really hurting.

I'm trying to keep a positive grateful approach about it all. Some days are harder than others.

Maybe I'll dream of myself flying over the ocean tonight in my dreams.

Happy May Day!

Today and this weekend some folks celebrate Beltane and/or May Day. It's when Spring is at its fullest. A time to celebrate fertility of not just becoming pregnant literally but to fertilize projects you may have been working on during the Winter months. A time to move forward with new ideas. Letting go of past hurts that you may have been working on releasing. Watch things grow and be an active participant in doing so. We have to water the plants and make sure they get enough sun.

Today is also my good friend Nancys' birthday! Happy Birthday Nanc!

I also found out some upsetting news about another friend of mine whose cancer has come back after only a year or so since her first treatment was ended.

I really try not to think about whether or not cancer will strike me again, but reality is that I think of it quite a bit. I don't believe I dwell on it, its just there. I relate it to having that fear of something....like dogs or snakes etc.... You don't dwell on it but it's there.

I get so angry when I hear the news of yet another wonderful person getting bad news. I just want to throw a fit and scream!

On a positive note....I am back online due to a generous house warming gift from my friend Dan! He sent me a new laptop! Its about 6 years old but its still newer than my old one, so its new to me! :) I am so grateful! Thank you Dan!!

I'm going to a May Pole/Beltane ritual celebration tomorrow at a local beach. We dance around the May Poles with ribbons and have our ritual then share a potluck meal. All at the beach. I hope its a nice day out.

I started yoga classes up again. Its been years. Theres this self consciousness I get when I can't do all the poses and have to take care of certain body parts. Its like I'm less-than. Which logically I know isn't sensible. Emotionally there is no real logic.

Lots of changes happening. Perfect time of year.

New births and celebrations of many kinds and also a time of bad news and people in need. Is there someone you know that would benefit from your kindness in some way?

Blessed Be!