Acceptance

Sorry for the delay in writing.

I'm not feeling inspired to write too much at the moment.

Lately I've been trying to find acceptance with my situation and where I'm at.

That's been challenging.

I met with a good friend yesterday for lunch, she is also a cancer survivor.

One thing we discussed is how other survivors have mentioned how things will never ever go back to where they were before the big C. Its something that changes you in some way that can't be explained.

Maybe it's the facing of death so possibly near?

Maybe it's the poison flooded through veins that changes you?

Who really knows for sure

I've been dealing with frustration of wanting things to go back to the way they were years ago, when I could work several jobs and go out late at night.

Lately I've been dealing with major fatigue and am usually in bed by 10pm.

Tomorrow night I'm going bowling with a friend. Theres a lot of people meeting at the alley who are survivors. The Cancer Community Center is hosting the event for the young survivors ages 18-45 or so. The problem for me is that is starts at 10pm, thats right...starts at 10pm!

I just hope I can make it. I really want to go and have been looking forward to a possible bowling night with the group.

I'm sure my friend who is coming up from NH will keep me awake and we'll get there no problem.

It's just frustrating when I have to think and wonder about this.

I want my energy back, I want a piece of me that I feel I've lost with cancer, I want it back damnit!

I know I have lots to be grateful for, and I do try to remember that. I'm human and have frustrations and challenges too.

Right now it is taking all the energy I have to get out of bed each day and face each small challenge that comes my way.

I know I'll get through it all.

Faith is hard to see at the moment.

2 Years

Hello Cyber Folks

January 26th marked 2 years since I heard those dreaded words "You have cancer".

On the one year anniversary I got a wonderful tattoo from my old friend Erick who co-owns a great tattoo shop in Cambridge, MA called Redemption Tattoo, I highly recommend getting inked there.

This year I didn't even remember the day.

To be honest, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of cancer in some way, so missing the actual day I was diagnosed doesn't seem all that big of a deal.

It seems like many many years since I was in treatment for the beast, but its only been 2 years.

I have learned quite a bit about myself and way too much about cancer, more than I really wanted to know.

Lately, I've been struggling with the other "beast" called depression. This time of year is very challenging. I don't get out much due to the weather and icy sidewalks, not much power walking had. Cancer has taken a back seat and that's o.k. with me.

I'd just like depression to take a seat in the nose bleed section for a while, but for now its staring at me from the front row.

The last week or so i've been waking up and saying "i'm still here, i guess theres a reason for that".

I'm working on trying to be grateful for all that I have, but some days it's extremely challenging.

I'm still here, I dont know why, but I am.

Maybe I don't need to figure it all out right now?

What Would You Do?

Recently there has been discussions of whether or not President Obama needs to charge the Bush Administration with crimes committed while in office.

I have a point of view that people may or may not agree with and that's o.k., but I felt I wanted to share my opinion today with you.

Imagine there is a huge room with four corners in it. Each corner has a small helpless baby crying. One baby is called Environment, One baby is called Economy, One baby is called Health Care System, and the last baby is called Education. There are also lots of other babies crawling around the room and not very happy. Each of the four babies in the corners are neglected and have been upset for a long time. Each one needs attention. The cause of their neglect and upset is a toddler that reeked havoc. He is responsible for upsetting the babies and causing so much trouble. The toddler is now out of the room and can't do any more harm.

My belief is that the toddler needs to be punished or taught that what he did was not ok, and action needs to be taken. However, the babies are screaming their lungs out and in need of immediate attention. Do we focus on punishing the toddler and use much needed resources to do so? Or, do we look at the pressing needs in this moment?

I believe we need to take care of what is most important right now. The toddler is not going to go unpunished, but it doesnt have to be today. He can't do anymore harm.

Let us focus on repairing the damage done right now and deal with the unruly toddlers tomorrow.

Thats my opinion.

President Obama!

I just LOVE typing that title!

Today is a day of hope, change, history making ....and about time!

History has finally come around full circle.

Slaves had built the White House and now a black man is going to be the leader living in the White House! It's such a wonderful thing!

More than just being a black man, Obama seems to be a man who is many things. I could list them all but unless you've been living in a cave, you know what he's about. We don't really know Obama, not like his family does, but we do know how he speaks in public, the messages he has conveyed to us all. We see him with his wife and children, we see his human side. I don't see any hostility or inflated ego as with G.W. Bush.

I can finally be proud to be an American and that feels amazing!

Thank you Barack H. Obama!

Jet Lag

Hi Everyone, i'm back in the States again....

As the title suggests, i'm experiencing some jet lag.

"Jet lag, also jetlag or jet-lag, is a physiological condition which is a consequence of alterations to circadian rhythms; it is classified as one of the circadian rhythm sleep disorders. Jet lag results from rapid transmeridian travel, as on a jet plane.

The condition of jet lag may last many days, and a recovery rate of "one day per time zone" is often mentioned as a fair guideline."

Last time I traveled to the UK, it took me about a week to feel like I was back in my body again.

I'm hoping it will be less time this go round.

I tend to get a bit whiny and depressed until I am myself again, so i'll try not to complain too much.

My trip was wonderful and filled with lots of interesting adventures.

Mostly visiting with my friends' family. If I had to pick one moment of fun i'd have to say Games' Night. The English love to play games and I made sure that I was included in some game playing.

My favorite one to play is a game called Articulate. Its similar to some American games where you have to describe to your partner the subject given to you depending on what category you land on. The Person category was not my favorite due to having mostly British people to guess or explain.

One night we got to go to London for a surprise event that my friend Dan had arranged as everyones' Christmas present. We had a lovely meal that we had cooked hours before, including Lamb shoulders with many roasted veggies, then some champagne followed by a stretch limo bringing us to London. There were 11 of us. The surprise event was a show involving a stand up comedian named Bill Bailey. He is well known in the UK. Very funny chap.

Apparently John Cleese was in attendance as well, though I never set eyes on him. When Bill Bailey mentioned Obama I couldnt help myself from shouting out. He heard me and made some comments on my lack of volume. He heckled me back. Very funny.

One special moment was when I was included in the scattering of Dans' mums' ashes around a beautiful tree in one of my favorite parks, called Bushey Park. It was a cold morning. Seven of us walked to the tree that Dans' step dad and Dans' mum used to sit under to gaze at the river and wildlife. I was extremely honored to be there and be a part of this ritual. Emotions took over more than I had imagined they would. It was a last minute change of plans. I believe things work out the way they are supposed to. The people that ended up scattering Annies' ashes were the exact people who were present at her passing.

We went for breakfast afterwards at a cafe Annie liked to go to. I got to have my Full English Breakfast which is basically a heart attack waiting to happen. Boy is it good though. There is one fried egg, ham, sausage, beans, mushrooms, grilled tomato, and toast, yum yum!

I drank so much tea on my trip over but what I loved to have was a Shandy. I like the Bitter Shandys the best. I only had 3 on my whole trip. Its basically beer with a lemonade mixture. Its not like our lemonade. Its a syrupy lemon/lime concoction added to beer. That may sound gross but its actually really refreshing.

I will write more about my trip soon.....part two to come.....back to napping and getting grounded in my body....

cheers all!

Happy New Year 2009!

I leave for London today. I woke up at 4:45am and realized I hadn't checked in online last night.

So, I got a not so good seat. Could have been worse. If anyone does any kind of traveling, especially over 5 hours, you'll understand that whatever you can do to make the flight more relaxing the better.

Getting an aisle seat is important to me. I have to wear my compression sleeve and glove, which I hate, and so I also need to get up quite frequently to stretch and keep my lymph system moving.

I also requested a low salt meal. The benefit of ordering a special meal is that you get it before all the regular passengers. People look at you and wonder why you are getting your meal before them.

Once I get there, I'll be able to relax, but until then I tend to be pretty nervous.

I will focus on New Years Eve and being in London.

2009, a new year, a new President (thank the goddess!), another birthday, another new year of holidays to come. Its a time to reflect the past year and all the events that occurred. Both personal and public memories.

I won't be too sad that 2008 is over. I am certainly looking forward to 2009. Nine is my favorite number so it HAS to be a good one!

Happy New Year ! I'll be posting after the 8th when I get back to the states.

Boxing Day

Happy Boxing Day!

I remember celebrating my first Boxing Day in England. It was my first trip there and I had just met Stuarts' best friend (he was holding a sign up with my name on it), we went directly to his Dads' house for Boxing Day celebrations.

I knew no one and they were so lovely, very inviting. They were in the middle of playing games. The British are big on playing all sorts of games.

They got me to play as well. There was one game that involved some kind of charades (pronounced Sher-Rahhds). I had to get up in front of everyone and try to get them to guess what was on my card, or get my partner to guess it. Most of the trivia was of British history. I didn't know the majority of the subjects given. Such as Queens and Kings and the history behind them. I knew I should have paid more attention in class. It was quite funny but also embarrassing.

From what i've gathered, Boxing Day is usually spent eating and drinking way too much, oh and of course playing games. What I love is the wonderful Port and Cheeses that are served after a big meal. Port is a great digestive. The cheeses are stinky but in a scrumptious way. I found a new appreciation for moldy cheeses. Stilton is fantastic!

This year I introduced English "crackers" to my family. Not the edible kind, the type that involves a popping sound and wearing funny paper crowns. Another interesting Britain tradition. They look like big pieces of fancily wrapped candy. Two people tug on the cracker to see which one gets the bigger half. When its broken in two, the cracker pops like a firecracker (hence the name). Inside are little gifts or jokes or both. There are different levels of crackers. If you pay a lot of money you get nice presents inside.

I do love seeing family during the holidays, but to be honest i'm pretty glad they are over with. I'm looking forward to relaxing in England and perhaps drinking in the New Year with a glass of champagne. Maybe i'll even have a funny paper crown on.

Cheers!