Patience and Tolerance

I woke up this morning to a sticky humid day. We're supposed to have high heat and humidity until at least wednesday.

I fed my cat Stewie and then he wanted to play with his gold bow, the kind you put on christmas presents, he loves his bow so much!

As most of you know I adopted Stewie about two weeks before I found my dreaded lump. I feel he came to me at the right time for the right reasons. Comfort, Love, Healing.

When I adopted him he was very scared and had been traumatized. I wasn't sure I could find the patience to wait and see if he could relax and be the cat I so needed in my life. It was a challenge to wait it out. Some days I wanted to bring him back to the shelter and tell them it wasnt going to work out. Something told me to just wait, breathe, be patient, he'll come around. This wasn't about ME, it was about what Stewie needed.

He used to growl and hiss at me, stay under my bed all day. I began to take it personally like he was reflecting my emotions back at me. I was somehow causing all this drama.

After about 2 weeks and when I found the lump he started to come around. I didn't get the lump checked right away. It was Thanksgiving and then Christmas, I didn't have time to worry. I would see my new OBGYN in January. Now I realize I should have gotten it checked out immediately. Lesson learned.

Stewie started to trust me. He would sit on my lap for about 5 seconds. Then he would let me pet him for more than a second. Eventually he even allowed me to pick him up. Every time some new goal was met i'd tell my friend Nancy about it. We would celebrate and feel the joy of a cats love and trust. It became a challenge for me. What could I do next? What would Stewie allow me to do?

Now he sits on my lap for quite a while. He especially loves to sit there if I have a certain pair of jeans on. I'm thinking of making a cat bed out of jean material. He's got his quirks and attitude and still gets nervous when I do certain things.

I was patient with him and earned his trust and in turn has given me so much love.

This morning I realized that he still has his issues but don't we all?

He came with terror and sorrow and all the baggage of a soul being traumatized. He also came with asthma. When we played this morning he could only play for so long before his lungs got overworked and he had to rest. He has limits and thats ok. We can work with that.

I realize that we all have limits, we all have boundaries.

Sometimes I think that I have so much baggage or issues that I wonder if anyone can find the patience to deal with me?

My true friends and family have stuck by me through all the drama and terror and sadness. They have showed patience and trust that I just do things differently. I am going forward at a steady pace. It may not be as fast as people may want me to go, but I'm still going, at my own rate, not anyone elses.

Just like Stewie, I have to do what feels right for me.

I am making progress even if it seems like i'm not.

The people in my life that can't understand or want to change that? I can't help that or make them change their view. All I can do is be true to myself and move forward, even if its at a snails pace. I'll get there eventually, even if I trip along the way.

Monkey Mind

Do you ever have moments when your mind goes from one thought to another, to another, to another...etc?

I heard the term monkey mind during a meditation once. The idea of meditation, well, ...what i've learned,... is to eventually quiet the mind or at least be able to notice the thoughts coming and going like on a river, floating on a leaf. You can watch it make all its winding turns before you can't see it anymore. Each thought can come and go like that. Another thought I want to add is this morning when i was doing dishes my MM started up and i told myself to focus on the dish i was washing and it worked, its a Thich Nhat Hanh method I believe, ...be in the moment with the dishes.......:)

Well, lately i've had monkey mind like crazy! I started a new med to help with some anxiety and such, and it didnt go so well. It put me into a daze and then caused some insomnia. No fun. Then when i went off of it yesterday it caused extreme anxiety. I got a lot of house work finished but it wasnt fun.

I wish sometimes we could switch our brains off at night along with the lights. Have you seen the movie "Alien"? The aircraft crew go into these pod like devices to sleep until they get to their destination. Almost like they are anesthetized.

Some day I bet we'll have devices to help us turn off the monkey mind and get a decent nights sleep.

For now i'm counting sheep, watching the river flow (then having to go to the bathroom), counting my breaths, drinking sleepy time tea, and waiting for the meds to get out of my system.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Am I Doing Enough?

I've been thinking a lot about respecting the planet and doing things that I feel will benefit me financially as well as reusing etc...

I believe I do quite a bit for that sort of thing. There are certain things that are challenging but if I were to just take the extra time, they are possible. Its funny when we as humans get into our routines. Its a challenge to break them and start something new.

For example....I needed to replace my shower curtain liner. Its been over 6 months or so since I last got one. I have a cloth curtain and use a liner. The liner gets mildewy and starts to get that moldy smell. Ideally I could wash the liner. Right.....I just can't seem to justify taking the time to remove the liner from all those loops and lay it out on my living room floor and wash it. So I throw it away. Yep, all that plastic into the land fill.

Some day I will figure out how to wash one, or get a liner that doesnt need to be washed, or move into a place that makes it easier to do that kind of thing....

The things I do accomplish are using dish wash cloths instead of sponges, I can wash them with my laundry. I recycle all my paper/plastic/aluminum etc.... I reuse plastic baggies until they get funky or worn out. I try to not buy plastic containers, stick to glass. (buy bulk lettuce/mesclun). I bring my cloth bags to the grocery store (when I remember to), I don't have a car, so I walk most places or take a bus. I try to buy organic and local produce. I save my compost and my friend who has a garden takes it for me. I'm sure theres more....oh , and I try my best not to shop at Walmart or big corporate stores. Local is better!

So, what things can you do to respect Mother Earth and to save some money as well....maybe switching your lightbulbs to more efficient and earth friendly ones? Maybe throw some cloth bags into your car to shop with? Ask for paper instead of plastic?

If you start with just one thing, a trend can start.

I spoke with a guy recently who washes those styrofoam holders that the chicken gets packaged on., he washes them and when he has a stack of them brings them to a school or some business who can use them, say for paint pallets or mixing plates, or some sort of project.

Theres always going to be that one thing thats hard to change, like throwing out that plastic liner.

I'm working on it.

Pondering

I'm sitting here on my couch, laptop on my lap, listening to the early morning birds sing their songs.

Its sunny out, beautiful temperature, whats there to be sad about?

Sometimes when things look and feel like nothing could be wrong with the world, it still is.

I've been in a funk for the last few days or so. Yesterday was not so good.

I know I "should" be enjoying the spring weather and getting out and appreciating all that the world offers. Thats not how it works sometimes.

Some days I just feel awful and theres no rhyme or reason for it.

I want to dissect my brain and figure out WHY!

Then I realize there is no why, and thats frustrating. I am a person who wants to figure it all out, and say "look, thats why this is happening!"

Not everything can be explained. Look at God or Goddess or Allah or Buddha or whatever higher power you want to honor, can we really explain or prove them? No.

I've been pondering my life and of course judging it fiercely. I'm not doing enough, i'm not happy enough, i'm not interesting enough.......the list goes on.

When will I be ok with myself and realize that I AM enough?

I know this isnt an inspiring blog today, but sometimes I need to just be real and say whats on my mind. Maybe this can be a thought provoking blog in a time when Memorial Day brings on so many emotions?

Theres so much sadness in the world right now, with the deaths in China and Myanmar and all over the world. Sometimes it just gets so overwhelming. I want to fix the world and when I can't i want to hide under the covers and say "whats the point of all this?"

Then the next day I wake up and I see the beauty again.

Its all about faith and trusting that life does have a purpose even with all the darkness.

More Light

I looked out my window a few minutes ago and realized it was still light out, and its 8pm!

I love this time of year, the days get longer and nature comes to life. I think of the word HOPE.

A dear young friend of mine who also has a blog asked about trips we have taken. I was reminded of when I was in Scotland. I went to the Isle of Skye and camped out near the ocean on a small beach. Really beautiful and peaceful. My friend and I didn't realize that it was the time of year when the light wins out over the dark. The sun didn't go down until around midnight and then came back up again a couple hours later. It was the oddest thing to not have much darkness. Our bodies have a hard time adjusting to the change. Its a little discombobulating. I kept looking at my watch in disbelief, wondering if the sun would go down and if we had traveled into a time warp.

It had the feeling of time standing still.

Many times I had wanted time to stand still when I was feeling good, not wanting things to change. Other times I would want time to go faster, especially when I was in treatment. I felt lousy and wanted to come out on the other side. Time could not go fast enough.

Now I am ok with how time is traveling. Every day is a blessing and seeing the sun out at 8pm reminded me of that today.

My parents used to tell me, as i'm sure many parents have told their children, that before we knew it we'd be all grown up and time would go by faster as we got older. Its so true. When I was young the summers seemed to last forever, each day was filled with adventure. Maybe as we get older we just appreciate time more and realize that it can go by us without us noticing. When you have a serious disease or illness I believe that feeling triples in force.

I'm not saying that I appreciate every minute of every day. I really don't. I'm human and lots of days I don't "do" anything, but I do appreciate being here and experiencing what I am doing, even if its just writing in this blog.

The blue sky is now turning to a beautiful indigo, and in a few minutes it will be black out my windows.

Tomorrow the sun will stay out even longer, one more minute to watch the sunset, one more minute to see the shadows turn to black. One more minute to ponder the days activities.

Spring Fever?

A good friend of mine said to me this morning...."the birds are chirping, spring is springing all around, but where is the burst of energy? why don't i have that ? I still feel like hibernating"

I agree.

April has proven to be a rough month for me and for many others. Oops, its May isnt it? :)

I believe spring in general is challenging for people. Its not quite warm out and the time change can mess with our body chemistry. Our bodies are using muscles that havent been used all winter.

I've been dealing with some major fatigue and soreness in my body. Whats new? Its getting me down quite a bit lately. I want that burst of energy, that motivation to do things and keep doing them without pooping out.

The 17th will be one year since my surgery that removed the nasty tumor and some infected lymph nodes. I still have the blue dye and scars are still healing in some ways. I have a daily reminder of journeys i've been on this past year. When you break your bones you can heal up and move on, usually without much of a scar if any.

I think my depression is kicking in a bit and its hard to fight it sometimes, takes all my energy.

I still want to hibernate under the covers until summer really kicks in.

Maybe my next life i'll be a hibernating animal. Actually i'd like to just stay over on the other side and not come back, i'm done with reincarnation. I've learned all the lessons i want to learn in the many lifetimes i've had.

Over doing It

When do you know when you've overdone it?

Back a few years I was working out at a fitness club. I didn't go regularly. I couldn't seem to get into a routine. I know i'm not alone. When I did go I usually worked out hard. It was almost like I wanted to get it over with and get in shape asap. I'd go home feeling sore and exhausted, sometimes i injured myself.

When I was writing for fun and working on a novel, that I can't find today, I would sit for hours at a time without a break, no bathroom break, no drinking or eating, just focusing on my writing, I was determined to get it done, go with the flow and not stop. My hands would cramp up and my neck and shoulders would scream at me. I seem to do that a lot with most things.

Lately i've been walking quite a bit. I get impatient and dont want to wait for the bus and I also think i better walk off that doughnut i ate yesterday. I wouldnt say I was obsessive with my walking but more determined.

I end up paying for it physically though. I missed the bus yesterday and had to practically run to my appointment. This was after I had already walked an hour to another appointment. I ended up getting to my appt all sweaty and miserable. I was overdressed and overheated. A beautiful day but I didnt enjoy it while i was running around town.

I went to my radiologist check up appointment. The Doc said everything looks ok. She was a bit concerned with my weight loss and some pain i've been having but otherwise she will see me again in 6 months.

I got home after having walked (power walked) over 2 hours.

Exhaustion kicked in big time.

I remember when I could do that kind of thing and not blink an eye about it. Now it seems my body can't deal with it the same way.

I wonder how long i'll be feeling this way? Will I slowly get my strength back? Or will I always have this kind of fatigue.

Time will tell I suppose.

I have that same determination in me but its not the kind that is productive. Its the kind that brings frustration when I can't do the things I want to do and keep going. Its hard for me to give in and accept where i'm at right now.

Mothers Day is coming up. It has always been hard for me to allow society to tell me when I need to honor my family. I want to honor them on my own time and in my own way. Theres this pressure to do things when you are "supposed" to. Thats not how I work.

I love my mother and am so grateful for her. I know i'm lucky to have a mother now. Some people don't have one anymore or never did.

There are alot of mothers around me. My wonderful stepmom whom I love dearly. My stepsister who has an amazing daughter. My stepbrother and step sister in law who have two beautiful children. My brother is a mother sometimes as well as a father. There are many more.

Theres another layer of emotion for me this year. The fact that I cannot bare children. I know I could still be a mother to an adopted child or some other persons child but its the fact that i'm not going to have children that touches a certain place in me.

I know I'm ok with not having children, but it comes back to society. Society tells you that there must be something wrong with you for not wanting children. I love kids. I could go on about all the social and economic reasons for not having children. On a personal level I just don't think its in the cards for me. Some people are just not meant to have children and I believe people shouldnt be judged for not wanting that life choice.

So, this mothers day i'll honor all the mothers out there, especially mine. I'll also try to forgive myself and accept the fact that I wont be having children and its ok.