Sounds

Side effects, what a joy!

I've been experiencing some side effects and I at first thought maybe it was due to lack of sleep but i'm thinking now it could be medication related.

My left eyelid has been twitching. It's not unusual to have an eye twitch off and on especially if a person is stressed out or over tired. This eye twitching isn't going away. Its not 24 hours a day but its every day. It can be quite annoying when you want to read a book or do Sudoku as i've been doing lately. It's almost like when you hear a sound that continues on and on. A bit crazy making.

I have also been dealing with some shoulder pain that doesnt seem to want to go away either.

I try not to go immediately to "the cancers' back!" place, but it's a challenge.

I saw this interesting movie the other day called "Seagulls Laughter". Its a foreign film. Icelandic language with English subtitles. Have you ever heard Icelandic? What an interesting sounding language. The tones used along with the expressions was so interesting to me. I've seen probably 10o's of foreign films in my lifetime and so i'm used to many different languages but i'm not sure i've seen an Icelandic one. I highly recommend it. If anything, just to listen.

I'm finding sounds to be a focus for me for some reason, lately.

I'm noticing sounds all around me. Its funny because I have a hearing loss in my left ear, so you'd think I wouldn't notice sounds as much.

I went to the local beach near me on Friday. I closed my eyes and just listened to all the sounds around me. Kids playing in the water. Dogs splashing after sticks. People rollerblading or riding their bikes. Many types of birds. Cars parking. Tug boats transporting cars to the local islands.

The most calming sound is of the ocean waves. So cliche' but i've always loved it. Even as a child I would go to the ocean when I was upset about something. Usually teenage angst over a boy. I would always feel so much better on my walk home.

I picked some dandelions and put them in a vase. They are considered weeds and dont last but a day or so, but they are still pretty. Their bright yellow is welcoming to the eyes after a dark winter.

So, side effects or not, things are pretty well for me right now. Its spring and there are so many sounds to help distract when the physical pains are annoying.

Sunrise Memories

I haven't been sleeping all too well lately.

This morning I was up at around 5:30am. I watched the sun rise with all its fiery colors. A memory came to me of when I used to work for a baking company. I had to be there very very early. I would walk to work every morning when the streets were quiet. I loved that walk. It was a great way to start my day. I would protest getting up so early but in the end I loved it. Walking into the bakery and greeting the sleepy bakers who have been there for a few hours by that time. The smells of freshly baked bread and pastries filled my nostrils. I would start the coffee pots and organize my post as customer service person.

I have memories of enjoying a warm just out of the oven brioche roll or a scone. Once in a while, and I mean once in a while...I would enjoy a sticky bun, called Morning Buns. They were deadly but tasty.

I would be out of work by 2 or 3pm and have all the time in the world to enjoy the day. When it was summer time it really made a difference. I felt I still had a good portion of the day left.

All of this came to me this morning by looking at the sunrise.

I posted a picture from a May Pole celebration, Beltane ritual, on a popular beach in Maine, this past Sunday. It was cold but still a pretty good time.

I've been having a rough week emotionally. Maybe it's the time of year? Spring time brings up all my insecurities. Not having a partner, not having children.....Spring and Beltane is about fertility and creation. Love and Joy.

The Beltane ritual highlighted my losses and what i'm lacking in my life. There were lots of children and families there. Lovely to see the kids dancing and making sand castles.

I AM happy for all my friends and family who have their own little family and relationships, I really am. It just feels like someone turned on a spotlight thats blinding me and forcing my loneliness out to the surface.

Summer is on the way....I think of Summer as a time for single people.

Can someone just turn down the lights a little?

Goodbye Ruby

I got some very sad news today that my favorite dog in the world had to be put to sleep today. She was not in good shape due to an ear virus of some sort and it was the humane thing to do. She was getting up there in age and i'm sure it was harder for her to fight off the virus that was attacking her. Now she is in peace.

Her name was Ruby and I first met her when I lived in NYC when my brother adopted her. We had many wonderful walks together and a moment of fear that was an experience I feel bonded us in some way. We witnessed a man abusing a small dog and both of us were screaming at him till he ran into his apartment. Ruby didn't bark much at all so when she freaked out like that I knew it was serious. I just wish I could have rescued the small dog.

Ruby was then adopted by my wonderful step brother and his wife. They have loved Ruby for many many years. Every time I would see Ruby, even if it was many months since i'd seen her, she would make this whining noise of excitement, she did this with a few people. I was honored that she even remembered me after long periods of not seeing her. Everyone that met Ruby fell in love with her immediately. She had such a gentle soul and an enormous heart.

I'll miss you Ruby!

Happy Ostara!

Yesterday was the first day of the Spring Equinox! yea! I am SO ready for spring its not funny!

Ostara is another name for the Spring Equinox, Equinox meaning same amount of day to night. With the time change the days are longer and its very much obvious.

I read my last post and realized I didn't post my mammogram results. They came out fine! I don't have to get another mammogram for a year now! I've been waiting for the day to come when I can wait longer and longer to get tests. I still have to see my Oncologist every 2 months or so, but we just have a quick check in and sometimes he draws blood, but no scans! whoo hoo!

I've been feeling pretty well over all. Some fatigue and anxiety, but otherwise my health is pretty good. (knock on wood)

Tonight i'm going to an Ostara ritual/party with my bestest friend Nancy. There will be a big bonfire, which I look forward to the most.

The hosts of the party just adopted two kittens! I can't wait to meet them and hopefully have some play time. Theres nothing like kittens to make you laugh and entertain you.

I just took out two chocolate pies that I made to bring to the party, its my moms' recipe that i love!

I hope where ever you all are, you are enjoying Spring as it makes its way here!

Timing

As I write this there is a big snow storm out my window, what we call up here in the North East, a Nor-easter. I am grateful for the power that is still on and especially the heat coming through the vents. My cat Stewie and I are toasty warm.

Lately I've felt like the big C is all around me. I've met with two friends who are both dealing with their tumor numbers going up, meaning things aren't so great right now. Changes have to be made with their treatment.

I also got the very sad news that a cancer warrior died last Sunday. She was quite the cancer survivor. She had a rare type of sarcoma cancer that she had for over 16 years! If you had any questions about sarcomas and most questions about treatment or cancer related questions, she was the woman to go to. Kathy, I hope you are on the other side free of pain and in peace. I'm sure you are helping so many people right now in your own way. I send out my condolences to Kathys' family who have to put the pieces of grief together and try to make sense of it all.

I went to the Cancer Community Center on Saturday for Buddy Training. I am officially now a Cancer Buddy! I had a Buddy when I went through my treatments and it was very helpful. I am so grateful for Becky! I hope I can help someone who may just need an ear to listen or a few kind words of encouragement.

A wonderful woman whom i've got to know through my dear friend Nancy, just got diagnosed with breast cancer recently. She is in her 40's and lives alone. It brought back so much for me, to that day of when I was so overwhelmed with having to make many life changing decisions. I hope I can be of some help to her as well.

Timing is interesting. I go months without any real bad news on the cancer front, then BAM!, there is a whole lot going on.

I am also having a mammogram tomorrow and seeing my Oncologist and breast surgeon. I'm not too worried about the results but of course I'm not at total ease either. There's always the chance that they will find something. I have to believe that the timing of whats going on around me is a sign that I am here to help and not going to be on the other side again.

I want to give back. Its time to focus on helping and not receiving as much.

So, I'm going to make myself a cup of tea and look out at the storm brewing all around me. Knowing I am safe and sound and I am lucky!

Acceptance

Sorry for the delay in writing.

I'm not feeling inspired to write too much at the moment.

Lately I've been trying to find acceptance with my situation and where I'm at.

That's been challenging.

I met with a good friend yesterday for lunch, she is also a cancer survivor.

One thing we discussed is how other survivors have mentioned how things will never ever go back to where they were before the big C. Its something that changes you in some way that can't be explained.

Maybe it's the facing of death so possibly near?

Maybe it's the poison flooded through veins that changes you?

Who really knows for sure

I've been dealing with frustration of wanting things to go back to the way they were years ago, when I could work several jobs and go out late at night.

Lately I've been dealing with major fatigue and am usually in bed by 10pm.

Tomorrow night I'm going bowling with a friend. Theres a lot of people meeting at the alley who are survivors. The Cancer Community Center is hosting the event for the young survivors ages 18-45 or so. The problem for me is that is starts at 10pm, thats right...starts at 10pm!

I just hope I can make it. I really want to go and have been looking forward to a possible bowling night with the group.

I'm sure my friend who is coming up from NH will keep me awake and we'll get there no problem.

It's just frustrating when I have to think and wonder about this.

I want my energy back, I want a piece of me that I feel I've lost with cancer, I want it back damnit!

I know I have lots to be grateful for, and I do try to remember that. I'm human and have frustrations and challenges too.

Right now it is taking all the energy I have to get out of bed each day and face each small challenge that comes my way.

I know I'll get through it all.

Faith is hard to see at the moment.

2 Years

Hello Cyber Folks

January 26th marked 2 years since I heard those dreaded words "You have cancer".

On the one year anniversary I got a wonderful tattoo from my old friend Erick who co-owns a great tattoo shop in Cambridge, MA called Redemption Tattoo, I highly recommend getting inked there.

This year I didn't even remember the day.

To be honest, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of cancer in some way, so missing the actual day I was diagnosed doesn't seem all that big of a deal.

It seems like many many years since I was in treatment for the beast, but its only been 2 years.

I have learned quite a bit about myself and way too much about cancer, more than I really wanted to know.

Lately, I've been struggling with the other "beast" called depression. This time of year is very challenging. I don't get out much due to the weather and icy sidewalks, not much power walking had. Cancer has taken a back seat and that's o.k. with me.

I'd just like depression to take a seat in the nose bleed section for a while, but for now its staring at me from the front row.

The last week or so i've been waking up and saying "i'm still here, i guess theres a reason for that".

I'm working on trying to be grateful for all that I have, but some days it's extremely challenging.

I'm still here, I dont know why, but I am.

Maybe I don't need to figure it all out right now?