Reflection

So, another huge music celebrity has passed. Michael Jackson was quite the interesting person from what I've seen and heard of him. I loved his Thriller album when it first came out. I really really loved the videos. I was of the age to appreciate the new t.v. show called MTV and with MJ's videos it made it that much cooler. I think my favorite is "BAD" when they are dancing in the subway station. I couldn't help but be hypnotized by him. My eyes wouldn't move off of him at all. There was something about him that you just couldn't ignore, no matter how hard you tried.

As a person, well....I'm sure there are so many judgments about him. We as outsiders really didn't know much. We only got what the media told us. I wanted to assume that he had molested those boys and was mistreating his kids but do I really know that? No. He had some very strange behavior, but what if he was just a big kid in an adults body? If a child did the things he did, people may have forgiven him easier. What if the alleged abuse from his father really distorted him and he was just doing the best he could? We'll probably never know what was really going on in his mind.

So, what I wanted to do was to appreciate Michael Jackson for his music and the major contributions he gave to the music industry and video industry.

There is also the passing of Farrah Fawcett. She was a fellow cancer survivor and what the survivor she was! From what I've heard about her video documentation of her journey, she didn't give up for anything.

There are many people dying every day. When someone famous dies it causes people to stop and reflect.

RIP MJ and FF!

Reading Minds

I was thinking about how it would be so amazing to have a device that could read minds. This one would be different than being a telepathic reader. This device would be hooked up to your head, and when you are thinking, the device would transcribe the words onto a screen. You could see all that you were thinking. I bet there would be some scary results, especially from my brain.

What if you could hook up the device at night when sleeping and the images would be put onto a DVD, all your dreams would be recorded like a movie that you could watch the next day. I'd love to see my dreams and maybe analyze them from a Jungian point of view. Some would be scary for sure but wow, wouldn't that be incredible?

I've always been intrigued by what the mind can do. Experts say we only use a small part of our brain. Most people anyway. Why is that? Why haven't we been able to open up the other parts of our brain and explore the other possibilities?

What about hypnosis? How does that work? How can you tap into the past part of the brain and retrieve information that doesn't seem to want to be consciously known?

What if there is a future part of our brain that everyone has the ability to tap into and we just don't have the ability to do so? Similar to Mediums who can see the future or know things that others can't.

I've been wanting to write again. I would like to try to put my crazy thoughts into some kind of comprehensible order.

Maybe I'll take a hypnosis training course?

My mind could be opened up to all kinds of possibilities.

Sounds

Side effects, what a joy!

I've been experiencing some side effects and I at first thought maybe it was due to lack of sleep but i'm thinking now it could be medication related.

My left eyelid has been twitching. It's not unusual to have an eye twitch off and on especially if a person is stressed out or over tired. This eye twitching isn't going away. Its not 24 hours a day but its every day. It can be quite annoying when you want to read a book or do Sudoku as i've been doing lately. It's almost like when you hear a sound that continues on and on. A bit crazy making.

I have also been dealing with some shoulder pain that doesnt seem to want to go away either.

I try not to go immediately to "the cancers' back!" place, but it's a challenge.

I saw this interesting movie the other day called "Seagulls Laughter". Its a foreign film. Icelandic language with English subtitles. Have you ever heard Icelandic? What an interesting sounding language. The tones used along with the expressions was so interesting to me. I've seen probably 10o's of foreign films in my lifetime and so i'm used to many different languages but i'm not sure i've seen an Icelandic one. I highly recommend it. If anything, just to listen.

I'm finding sounds to be a focus for me for some reason, lately.

I'm noticing sounds all around me. Its funny because I have a hearing loss in my left ear, so you'd think I wouldn't notice sounds as much.

I went to the local beach near me on Friday. I closed my eyes and just listened to all the sounds around me. Kids playing in the water. Dogs splashing after sticks. People rollerblading or riding their bikes. Many types of birds. Cars parking. Tug boats transporting cars to the local islands.

The most calming sound is of the ocean waves. So cliche' but i've always loved it. Even as a child I would go to the ocean when I was upset about something. Usually teenage angst over a boy. I would always feel so much better on my walk home.

I picked some dandelions and put them in a vase. They are considered weeds and dont last but a day or so, but they are still pretty. Their bright yellow is welcoming to the eyes after a dark winter.

So, side effects or not, things are pretty well for me right now. Its spring and there are so many sounds to help distract when the physical pains are annoying.

Sunrise Memories

I haven't been sleeping all too well lately.

This morning I was up at around 5:30am. I watched the sun rise with all its fiery colors. A memory came to me of when I used to work for a baking company. I had to be there very very early. I would walk to work every morning when the streets were quiet. I loved that walk. It was a great way to start my day. I would protest getting up so early but in the end I loved it. Walking into the bakery and greeting the sleepy bakers who have been there for a few hours by that time. The smells of freshly baked bread and pastries filled my nostrils. I would start the coffee pots and organize my post as customer service person.

I have memories of enjoying a warm just out of the oven brioche roll or a scone. Once in a while, and I mean once in a while...I would enjoy a sticky bun, called Morning Buns. They were deadly but tasty.

I would be out of work by 2 or 3pm and have all the time in the world to enjoy the day. When it was summer time it really made a difference. I felt I still had a good portion of the day left.

All of this came to me this morning by looking at the sunrise.

I posted a picture from a May Pole celebration, Beltane ritual, on a popular beach in Maine, this past Sunday. It was cold but still a pretty good time.

I've been having a rough week emotionally. Maybe it's the time of year? Spring time brings up all my insecurities. Not having a partner, not having children.....Spring and Beltane is about fertility and creation. Love and Joy.

The Beltane ritual highlighted my losses and what i'm lacking in my life. There were lots of children and families there. Lovely to see the kids dancing and making sand castles.

I AM happy for all my friends and family who have their own little family and relationships, I really am. It just feels like someone turned on a spotlight thats blinding me and forcing my loneliness out to the surface.

Summer is on the way....I think of Summer as a time for single people.

Can someone just turn down the lights a little?

Goodbye Ruby

I got some very sad news today that my favorite dog in the world had to be put to sleep today. She was not in good shape due to an ear virus of some sort and it was the humane thing to do. She was getting up there in age and i'm sure it was harder for her to fight off the virus that was attacking her. Now she is in peace.

Her name was Ruby and I first met her when I lived in NYC when my brother adopted her. We had many wonderful walks together and a moment of fear that was an experience I feel bonded us in some way. We witnessed a man abusing a small dog and both of us were screaming at him till he ran into his apartment. Ruby didn't bark much at all so when she freaked out like that I knew it was serious. I just wish I could have rescued the small dog.

Ruby was then adopted by my wonderful step brother and his wife. They have loved Ruby for many many years. Every time I would see Ruby, even if it was many months since i'd seen her, she would make this whining noise of excitement, she did this with a few people. I was honored that she even remembered me after long periods of not seeing her. Everyone that met Ruby fell in love with her immediately. She had such a gentle soul and an enormous heart.

I'll miss you Ruby!

Happy Ostara!

Yesterday was the first day of the Spring Equinox! yea! I am SO ready for spring its not funny!

Ostara is another name for the Spring Equinox, Equinox meaning same amount of day to night. With the time change the days are longer and its very much obvious.

I read my last post and realized I didn't post my mammogram results. They came out fine! I don't have to get another mammogram for a year now! I've been waiting for the day to come when I can wait longer and longer to get tests. I still have to see my Oncologist every 2 months or so, but we just have a quick check in and sometimes he draws blood, but no scans! whoo hoo!

I've been feeling pretty well over all. Some fatigue and anxiety, but otherwise my health is pretty good. (knock on wood)

Tonight i'm going to an Ostara ritual/party with my bestest friend Nancy. There will be a big bonfire, which I look forward to the most.

The hosts of the party just adopted two kittens! I can't wait to meet them and hopefully have some play time. Theres nothing like kittens to make you laugh and entertain you.

I just took out two chocolate pies that I made to bring to the party, its my moms' recipe that i love!

I hope where ever you all are, you are enjoying Spring as it makes its way here!

Timing

As I write this there is a big snow storm out my window, what we call up here in the North East, a Nor-easter. I am grateful for the power that is still on and especially the heat coming through the vents. My cat Stewie and I are toasty warm.

Lately I've felt like the big C is all around me. I've met with two friends who are both dealing with their tumor numbers going up, meaning things aren't so great right now. Changes have to be made with their treatment.

I also got the very sad news that a cancer warrior died last Sunday. She was quite the cancer survivor. She had a rare type of sarcoma cancer that she had for over 16 years! If you had any questions about sarcomas and most questions about treatment or cancer related questions, she was the woman to go to. Kathy, I hope you are on the other side free of pain and in peace. I'm sure you are helping so many people right now in your own way. I send out my condolences to Kathys' family who have to put the pieces of grief together and try to make sense of it all.

I went to the Cancer Community Center on Saturday for Buddy Training. I am officially now a Cancer Buddy! I had a Buddy when I went through my treatments and it was very helpful. I am so grateful for Becky! I hope I can help someone who may just need an ear to listen or a few kind words of encouragement.

A wonderful woman whom i've got to know through my dear friend Nancy, just got diagnosed with breast cancer recently. She is in her 40's and lives alone. It brought back so much for me, to that day of when I was so overwhelmed with having to make many life changing decisions. I hope I can be of some help to her as well.

Timing is interesting. I go months without any real bad news on the cancer front, then BAM!, there is a whole lot going on.

I am also having a mammogram tomorrow and seeing my Oncologist and breast surgeon. I'm not too worried about the results but of course I'm not at total ease either. There's always the chance that they will find something. I have to believe that the timing of whats going on around me is a sign that I am here to help and not going to be on the other side again.

I want to give back. Its time to focus on helping and not receiving as much.

So, I'm going to make myself a cup of tea and look out at the storm brewing all around me. Knowing I am safe and sound and I am lucky!