FALL ALREADY?

So, it's Fall now....feels like Winter with the unusually low temps. Supposed to get back up to normal next week. I'm just not ready. Short Summer, short Fall....I want to fall to the ground and throw a huge tantrum about it!

I am now 40 years old. My mom said that now she can't say she has any children in their 30's anymore. My brother is 6 years older. She does have step children in their 30's.

I have mixed feelings about being 40. Mostly I feel it's just a number and I'm glad I am not in my 20's anymore. The 30's were pretty rough, so mostly I'm looking forward to the 40's. However.....looking at where I'm at in my life it can also be depressing at times.

I spoke with one woman about it the other day and she said that when she hit 40 she thought to herself that finally she can just settle in and relax. She had her marriage and children plus career and now could feel she's entitled to not strive for something more. Just be.

For me? Well, I'm still striving for something and someone.

Not married, no children, no boyfriend. No career. hmmm....a bit depressing huh?

I know that just because one is married with children doesn't mean all is blissfully right in their world. I recognize that some marriages are very challenging and exhausting and some career choices aren't all wonderful too.

The grass is always greener right?

I would just like to look back at my life and be o.k. with what I've accomplished. Ummmm, not so much.

I'm still here and still searching. Maybe my 40's will be full of happy surprises?

Fingers crossed.

Been A Long Time

I have that Led Zeppelin song in my head now...

So, I don't know if anyone is even checking my blog anymore but thought I'd write anyway.

There has been a lot going on but for some reason I haven't felt inspired to talk about it.

There has been camping at music festivals, visiting with friends and family and mostly just trying to stay afloat.

Major computer issues that have mostly been fixed, put me into a panic state for a while.

How can one feel pretty good one minute then something seemingly insignificant happens and all hell breaks loose?

I know of a couple of people who are having a really rough time in treatment. It's hard to witness and not be able to fix or help in some way. All I can offer is an ear.

When I was in treatment that was mostly what helped me the most. Someone to just listen. Not fix or judge, just listen.

I met a new survivor the other day. She's young. I'm guessing in her 20's. I gave her my email. She expressed that her "buddy" isn't really compatible with her. I'm really hoping she contacts me and I can be of some help. She had just had her first chemo and her energy and expression reminded me of ME when I was in the beginning of the cancer journey. Its a bit like a deer in headlights. You go through the motions and sometimes it feels like sleep walking through a nightmare.

I would love to be more social but it's hard when I feel I don't have much positive to say and not much to tell people of what I've been up to. So, why put myself in that uncomfortable situation?

I'm working on my inner self now and that's not always acceptable in our society. Its a lot of "what do you do?'s" and "what have you been up to?"'s.

Since I'm not currently in treatment I think its' hard for some people to understand why i'm not working now.

One woman whom I haven't seen in months and months, who also went through cancer treatment said to me..."I wish I didn't have to work". (strong emphasis on the I), A bit sarcastic and judgmental. I wish I could explain to her that it's not a walk in the park. I am not just sitting around and doing nothing. Not having fun or living it up. No.

I had an interesting experience with a baby Ram the other day. I used my massage therapy skills and gave him a neck and face massage while visiting him at this farm I camped out at. He was so blissed out he almost fell over. His eyes closed to slits, head falling to one side, smile on his face. What a great experience to have. So sweet. I wish he lived closer so I could visit him again soon. Animal therapy can be so powerful. Animals are so responsive and open to love.

Just put one foot in front of the other......

Four Leaf Clovers

I was waiting for the bus today in the shade of a tree, it's very hot out today...and I noticed a huge patch of clovers.

Do you remember looking for four leaf clovers when you were young? Or maybe you still do? I started looking for them but lost patience and my bus arrived. There are hundreds of clovers in those bunches they grow in. When I was younger I would spend a good deal of time trying to find one. I was very determined.

I never did find one. I saw someones' once and was very jealous.

It reminds me of lucky charms. I also had a rabbits foot when I was a wee child. It was one of those that was on a key chain and was dyed some horrible color like electric blue or pink. Maybe the dye was to make it fun looking and take away the reality that you are holding a poor rabbits limb? Who knows. Who started that idea anyway?

Did someone one day say... "Hey, I bet if you cut off a rabbits foot and carry it around with you, you'll have good luck!" Hmmmmm....

What other so called lucky charms are out there I wonder?

There's the horse shoe over the doorway, Bridgets Cross over a doorway as well, and many others.

I could really use some luck right now, so I'm keeping my eyes open for that four leaf clover.

Hospice

I want to volunteer for Hospice. There is a Hospice Home about 20 minutes from me. I saw it when I was there for a meeting with the Cancer Buddys from the Cancer Community Center not long ago. The Home is almost 2 years old, very nice.

I got some volunteer information, such as there is a 40 hour training program required before you can start. I also got the volunteer coordinators' name and number.

I have been witness to two deaths. My good friends' mom from England, died while I was giving Reiki to her. It was a powerful experience for me. The other passing was from another of my good friends' mom. I arrived at about an hour after she passed.

Some people can look at Hospice Care as being too depressing but I see it differently.

Why is it that a birth of someone is more celebrated than a death? Other cultures celebrate a persons' life instead of being all sad and hidden. Look at New Orleans. People will parade down a street and play instruments. I'd love to have that kind of funeral procession.

Unfortunately the volunteer coordinator left a message saying the next training is full. That's in September. The next training session isn't until next Spring.

I will try to get on a waiting list. I suppose it's a really good thing that there are lots of people wanting to be involved with Hospice Care. At least there aren't a lack of volunteers

What Would You Do?

I was in a pretty good mood the other day. It was finally sunny out and I decided to go for a walk downtown.

I was listening to some music on my iPod, soaking up the sun.

I see a bird on the sidewalk. It looks like it's a young seagull. Still has its fuzzy head with brown and white speckles of feathers. It was balancing on one leg and had one wing hanging close to the ground. It was injured.

What do I do now? I can't just walk on by and pretend I didn't see an injured animal in need of help. I watched the bird for a while, hopping along on one foot, chirping with its young voice.

I called 411 and got the number for an animal shelter. They gave me the police department which deals with animal control issues. The police man I spoke with was not very friendly or helpful. He asked what kind of bird it was and then I could tell that I was just wasting his time. He said the animal control person was dealing with a dog and didn't know when they would be back. I asked if there were any bird rescue places I could call and his reply was "Not for seagulls".

I was standing in the hot humid sun, watching this bird, trying to decide what next to do.

When I got close to the bird I would hear the adult seagulls yelling at me from above. There were probably a dozen seagulls on the roof of the building I was next to. They were looking down at me and the injured bird. I guessed that the bird must have fallen out of his nest and injured itself, or maybe he thought he was ready to fly and couldn't manage it?

I then thought I'd try and get some food or crackers or something for it. The only thing open nearby was a book store that specialized in cookbooks and books about food but no food for sale. The owner was very nice. He said he'd seen the bird the day before and went to give him some water. When he put the water dish down the other birds from above came swooping down on him. I asked if he had a box that I could try and put the bird in, at least keep him from walking on the injured leg too much. If the animal control people did show up they could use the box to carry it in. The bookstore owner taped up the sides of the box and also gave me some water in a plastic container.

When I approached the bird it got really freaked out. It started to hobble away as fast as it could and then the birds above me were yelling up a storm.

I knew the box idea was not a good one. I didn't want to upset the bird and possibly cause more injury to it. I also didn't feel like getting attacked by seagulls.

It pained me to do it, but I walked away. I told the man at the bookstore that I couldn't help the bird and he said he'd let the animal control person know (if they showed) where it was.

I finished my walk and went home.

If the bird had been a hawk or eagle or a bird near extinction, there would be some place that could help the bird, but because it was a seagull, no one cared.

Why is it that certain species get all the attention and others don't?

I watched people walk by the bird, looking down at it, maybe pausing for a second, visibly upset by the pitiful scene, then kept walking.

If it had been a cat or dog limping around, people would have acted sooner, i'm sure of it.

Who am I to judge when I couldn't follow through with helping the bird? Maybe it was the birds' journey to go through that fall? Who knows for sure.

When most people see pigeons, seagulls, small birds, or squirrels injured, they think nothing of it.

I lived down south for a bit and I remember being so disturbed by how much "road kill" there was there. It was very common to see several possums, skunks, or animals from the rodent family killed on the road daily.

I suppose if you are used to seeing something every day, it becomes common place.

I still get upset when I see animals dead on the road. No matter what species it is.

All life matters.....well, maybe not mosquitoes......ok....even mosquitoes I suppose.

This experience just got me thinking about how we as humans put a kind of value on certain species. Like that police officer said.... "Not for seagulls".

I went by the same place the next day and there was no sign of the injured bird. I really hope the animal control officer DID come by and maybe it's getting the help it needs. Or maybe.....I don't want to think about the other option. I choose to think it's getting help.

...more on MJ

I didn't expect to be thinking so much about MJ's passing but I have.

I was speaking with my friend this morning and we tried to remember the last time a universally known celebrity died. When was the last time the world mourned for someone?

When Diana died there was huge response. If you think about the last big musical celebrity that died I'd have to go back to John Lennon and then Elvis. Sure there was Kurt Cobain but his life ended way too soon. He wasn't known all over the world like MJ was. My friend said "Its' like our generations' Elvis".

I mentioned in my previous post the obvious music and video explosion that MJ had influenced but what about his dance moves and fashion?

There's the moonwalk and the pelvis gyrations. ( I could have done without those personally) MJ was influenced by Elvis and James Brown for sure, but he also had his own moves.

Then theres the one sparkly glove and mirrored sunglasses that turned to just dark sunglasses. The red leather jacket with studs on it. Even his hairstyle was copied.

MJ had so much influence, more than I imagined.

I'm finding myself listening to his songs. I downloaded 6 songs that I like. One of my favorite is "Dirty Diana". Sure the Jackson Five was amazing and talented and had some great hits, but they weren't from my generation. I don't relate to those songs. I can listen to the Thriller album or the Bad album and remember the 80's. The videos and styles.

I wonder about his kids. What are they like? Will they reveal years from now who MJ really was? What was he like as a father? Curious.

I also wonder if Michael Jackson is looking at all the outpouring of love and smiling his child like grin.

Reflection

So, another huge music celebrity has passed. Michael Jackson was quite the interesting person from what I've seen and heard of him. I loved his Thriller album when it first came out. I really really loved the videos. I was of the age to appreciate the new t.v. show called MTV and with MJ's videos it made it that much cooler. I think my favorite is "BAD" when they are dancing in the subway station. I couldn't help but be hypnotized by him. My eyes wouldn't move off of him at all. There was something about him that you just couldn't ignore, no matter how hard you tried.

As a person, well....I'm sure there are so many judgments about him. We as outsiders really didn't know much. We only got what the media told us. I wanted to assume that he had molested those boys and was mistreating his kids but do I really know that? No. He had some very strange behavior, but what if he was just a big kid in an adults body? If a child did the things he did, people may have forgiven him easier. What if the alleged abuse from his father really distorted him and he was just doing the best he could? We'll probably never know what was really going on in his mind.

So, what I wanted to do was to appreciate Michael Jackson for his music and the major contributions he gave to the music industry and video industry.

There is also the passing of Farrah Fawcett. She was a fellow cancer survivor and what the survivor she was! From what I've heard about her video documentation of her journey, she didn't give up for anything.

There are many people dying every day. When someone famous dies it causes people to stop and reflect.

RIP MJ and FF!