Crumbling

You ever have that feeling like everything is crumbling around you?

Well, i've been having that feeling lately.

I was flossing my teeth the other night and out pops a huge filling into my sink.

I then had to go to PT. I asked my PT who she'd recommend for a dentist. She gave me her recommendation and after my session with her I went over there. I luckily had my moms car for the day.

I walk into the dentist office and everyone is very nice. Then as i'm filling out my paperwork they ask if I have dental insurance. Nope I dont. Suddenly the mood of all the staff changes towards me. They immediately tell me that they need a credit card or cash before i can see the doctor. I say ok, i have a friend who said he'd give his credit card number. They file me into the doctors chair and I get my tooth x-rayed. Before the doctor comes in the front desk lady and another lady squeeze into the tiny room to tell me i need to give them the info NOW! I had to call my friend who lives in London while i was sitting in the dentist chair, with two women hovering over me. We got all the info straightened out and then the doctor comes in.

What a nice way to treat a new customer huh? geesh!

I am going to have 3 fillings done on thursday, so I had to wait two days with a huge hole in my tooth, exposing nerves. I have to eat soft food, so I thought what better food to eat than a nice soft doughnut?! I got three and no i didnt eat them all at once. They are the home made kind that are especially sinful. I remember getting some a couple of times before I had chemo, and shared them with others in treatment.

My PT lady has been working on my neck and shoulders for a couple of weeks now and has actually caused my pain to increase dramatically to where I had a migraine last night and extreme neck/shoulder pain.

I went to see my Osteopath today and she couldnt believe how compressed my neck was. My PT really did a number on it. I feel some what better now and have to try and get psyched for my 2 hour, early, dentist appointment tomorrow. I have to be there at 8am, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

So, along with my teeth falling out (yes a piece fell out this morning), and my neck out of whack, my apartment looks like a tornado hit it. Heres where the crumbling part comes in. Maybe its like spring cleaning in an odd way. Out with the old, in with the new.

I think I may have to buy another doughnut on the way home tomorrow, i'll be all numbed out, so i can't eat anything crunchy right?

works for me!

Now if I can only get some hot chocolate to go with that doughnut!

Differnt kinds of tired

I got up at 6:30 this morning in order to get to PT on time. I have to take fosamax once a week for my osteoporosis. In order to do that i have to take it first thing in the morning with a full glass of water, stand for 30 minutes and not eat or drink anything for at least that amount of time. When you are very tired it's especially hard to stand up first thing and keep busy, waiting for the timer to run out.

I then went to PT and had to muster up some energy to do my workout. The last week or so i've been experiencing extreme fatigue. Part of me worries about the cancer being back. Fatigue is a big sign of cancer. I know its silly and i need not worry about it. Fatigue can mean many different things. I can't help but wonder though.

I see my cat sleeping most of the day and get envious. Maybe my next life i'll come back as a cat.

There are different kinds of tired i've learned this past year.

When i was in chemo treatment I discovered a whole new tired. The kind where your body is desperately wanting to sleep but your mind won't let you. When you do sleep it doesnt make you feel better like when you take a nap and feel refreshed. Nope, not the case with chemo fatigue.

This kind of tired i'm experiencing is the kind where my motor skills are off and i am bumping into things, real clumsy. I have dry eyes and squint to keep them open.

I have things to do and places to be, ...so being tired just isnt in the plan.

I've heard that recovery from treatment can take a year or more. I suppose I have an excuse now. Maybe I AM still recovering? Frustrating. I want to be back to my old self and be able to do all i want to do without having to take a nap.

When i hit the one year mark of being finished with treatment then maybe i'll have my energy back.

fingers crossed

Windy Spring

It has been so windy lately. The spring winds are coming in. I just wish it was warmer as well.

There is still snow on the ground and the temps are below 40 most days.

Spring is still coming forth even with the un-spring-like conditions.

The birds are singing and making nests. I saw a crow making his/her nest in a tree outside my window yesterday.

It reminds me of how life still moves forward even if your surroundings tell you otherwise.

I added a new site to my list of websites i go to regularly. Its a site mainly for young survivors under the age of 40. I still qualify. The people who run the site are really great! They have a radio show you can download to your MP3 or ipod for free. I may be on one of the segments in the near future. Their motto is Stupid Cancer! And its true....it IS stupid, but its also smart, it takes over even when we do all we can to stop it. What the I2Y crew is really saying, i believe, is that we can look down at it and not let the C word take over our lives, its about continuing to live and making sure we live well, not let it bring us down.

I had a day of intense testing on friday. I drove through a small snowstorm to get there at 8:30am. I met with the Neuro Psychologist and he asked me a bunch of personal questions, getting my "history". Its just an outline of course. How can one tell their history in a matter of minutes? After the questions we got right to work with the testing.

I decided to get the test done because of my memory and other brain functions being off since treatment. I wanted to see if I have any kind of learning disability and to see where my strong learning abilities are. It was exhausting and quite emotional. I didn't expect that at all. I had an hour off for lunch, but thats it for breaks. I was there from 8:30 till about 3:30, testing non stop. He tested my memory and motor skills mostly. I didn't do so well on the math problems. Math has always been a weak part of my learned skills. I did really well on the part where you see what is missing from a picture. I've always been good at details.

I had two words in my mind when i got home that afternoon. Brain Bootcamp! Thats what it felt like. My brain was so fried afterwards i couldnt do anything but relax.

I do know one thing, I do not want to be a neuro psychologist. No thank you.

I should find out my results in about 2-3 weeks. It will be interesting to see what the doctor says. I got to hang out with his dog named Cowboy for a lot of the testing. He's very sweet. I don't get much dog love lately. Its always good to get animal energy. Good for the soul.

I wonder if the "chemo brain" i've experienced really comes through with the test results. We'll see.

For now i'm just blowing in the wind, seeing where it will take me.

Happy Bunny Day!

I heard that this early Easter isn't going to happen again for around 200 years.

Do we really notice when there's an extra full moon, when Easter comes early, when theres a blue moon, when theres a leap year?

I suppose we do, but i guarantee that I wont be thinking about that next week.

It's the "big" events that seem to stick.

When I got diagnosed with cancer. When my boyfriend died in a motorcycle crash. When I graduated high school. September 11, 2001.

How many dates can one brain remember and put with emotion?



Sometimes you just have to eat dark chocolate bunnies and forget about it!

Happy Ostara!

Its officially spring!

It does not feel or look much like spring outside, but its in the air.

The vibrations of spring are bubbling up.

I hear the birds singing again, seeing Canadian geese.

All good signs.

It really is amazing how all of a sudden you just know its spring. Mother Nature is quite amazing, Mother Earth, Gaia etc....

I believe its the year for women/womyn to show their strength again. Hopefully not in an aggressive manner. But i do believe some people have forgotten how amazing, smart, creative, powerful, influential, women/womyn can be!

Not to mention how beautiful and unique!

I've been trying to get back in touch with my feminine side.

I'm finding it a bit challenging.

With all the scars and hormonal changes, not to mention the osteoporosis, its been a challenge to feel beautiful and attractive. I'm still single, so its a bit of an issue.

will i find someone who will accept my scars and all the issues i have, see the woman/womyn within?

First i need to see it!

Blessed Be!

ST Paddys Day!

Happy ST Patricks Day!

What does it mean to be a saint? I know the dictionary definition is something about being sainted by the church. Only the catholic church? I remember something about Joan of Arc almost becoming a saint, or maybe she recently was dubbed a saint. Only centuries later. Why is it that it takes so long to apologize or give someone what most people think they deserve?

Its like when painters die, they suddenly become worth so much more, monetarily that is.

It would be nice to honor one another now, not wait for something big or over the top to fully recognize the true value in each of us.

So, have a pint of Guinness, kiss a leprecaun, press a four leaf clover in a book, eat a shamrock cookie!

Have a good day and why not look to your loved one and appreciate their "value" now!

One step forward, two steps back

I was really starting to feel better, and looking forward, had a plan of action.

Then the hospital calls.

"We forgot to go over your bone density test with you the other day and theres some news to tell you."

Great.

I met with my oncologist to discuss the results.

I had the bone density test to get a base line for when i get tested later. Since i was/am starting a drug that helps against cancer but causes bone loss, they wanted to get the numbers.

Well, my oncologist was surprised to find out that i indeed already have osteoporosis on my spine and early signs of osteoporosis on my femur (leg bone), called osteopenia.

what!?

osteoporosis at age 38?

yep

It was probably sped up from the heavy doses of chemo i had last year. my dr. thinks it is probably genetic but so far i havent heard of anyone having it early like me and only one person who had it at an old age.

damn chemo

I know it could be worse and i need to look at this with perspective, but geesh!!!!!

Worse case scenario.....my spine collapses and i am hunched over in extreme pain for the rest of my life......well, i suppose thats not the worse case.......

so, i'll be on a drug, possibly for the rest of my life. It will be battling it out with the cancer preventing drug.

I told my doctor that they should start looking into a nursing home for me soon. Thats how i'm feeling now. Old and crumbling.

I went to a party in NH over the weekend. Felt old then too. Lots of young people. One guy hit on me, he was in his 20's. I guess i should feel flattered. But then he went and hit on a young pretty girl. It just reminds me of where i'm at. He asked "what do you do?".

hate that question with a passion

Right now? I'm playing the medication game, and trying- to- stay- positive game. Thats all I can deal with at this moment.