Fire and the elements

Hi Everyone

Thank you so much to all of you that comment, it truly makes my heart swell. :)

I saw my Polarity Therapist yesterday. She came to my house since I wasn't able to go to hers.

It was such a gift! She always makes me feel better, not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally.

Now some people out there may not agree with going to anyone else other than doctors who practice Western Medicine and that's totally ok, your choice.

I believe in trying both when needed. I also believe our country doesn't support preventative medicine like I wish it would. Mostly the insurance companies. They are slowly coming around by paying for some massage therapy if they work out of a Physical Therapy office and I've heard some Acupuncture is covered sometimes. So its coming along.

I believe in Polarity Therapy and also Eastern Medicine. The pathways of our bodies are connected in an interesting way. I'm not a Polarity Therapist so I'm not going to teach anyone about it. I just wanted to share my experience.

So, since I am having Radiation beaming into my neck and head area, but is hopefully going to help the pain on my right lower ribcage area, I think is interesting. It has to do with the nerve pathways. Radiation Therapy is fire and heat and all things related to that. So what do you do when there is too much FIRE? You add WATER and sometimes AIR. So my Polarity Therapist worked on opening the pathways to allow more water and air thru my body. I'm not explaining it well, but that is the only way I can try to. I've noticed that I've been angry and irritable and impatient and emotional.....very weepy. At the RADS appt I saw the doctor about a new pain in the middle of my back which could be another compound fraction of my spine and I started to cry. There is nothing they can do for that.

So, I knew that I had too much fire due to radiation and that my stomach issues are related even though the Radiologist says otherwise. My Polarity Therapist says that anything that puts too much fire to the head area, can affect the digestive area and the thighs. So, I'm not crazy in thinking its related. It's just another way of looking at things. From a different point of view.

My horoscope today, via Yasmin Boland, said something about having my own point of view and to stand strong with it even when others don't agree. So, I do stand strong with it because I am feeling it. I can feel what my body is doing and how it relates to what is going on lately.

My mood already feels so much better. I still have 4 more Txs to go, so I have to visualize the ocean and air and ether balancing me out and hopefully that will get me thru the rest of the treatments.

I know the fatigue will last 1-2 weeks after its over, but I am already tired due to having cancer and my weight is down to 105. Not having a lot of weight on you makes it harder to do things and wears one out faster I'm discovering. Things that were so easy to do are now making me have to lay down for a while.

My Polarity Therapist also said to allow people to help me. I'm really trying to do that. Lots of my peeps are busy or are going away on vacations or work related trips. I am visualizing lots of people helping me do things around the house and getting items I need etc....

I think it's also wanting people around me, especially overnight. I feel safer knowing someone is here at night in case something happens.

So, thats all for today. Busy day for me, but I know I can get thru it.

I hope you all have a wonderful Friday and weekend!

Blessings to you all!

CAT SCAN and other joyful news

Hi Ya'll

I didn't even go back to see when I wrote again and what I said.....I'm winging it and just
writing what I feel like now.

I got out of the hospital and came home to a very grateful Maine Coon Cat who missed me very
much, and me him as well. I was so happy to be back in my tree house once more. It felt so much
better than the hospital where one gets assaulted to every sense. Smells, Textures and greasy door knobs and needles poking and prodding and the food is horrible and doesn't change, the noises are unbearable. All the beeping of machines, including mine. I had a pump machine to put in all the liquid meds into my pick line and when they got low, the machine beeped very loudly. Sometimes at 3 in the morning. The nurses were up partying at 2 in the morning one night. I asked for a xanex to get some sleep and I got major attitude. I couldn't take a shower except there was a shower cap that you put on and you scrub your head while the cap is on. It has some kind of shampoo and conditioner mixture that you scrub into your head and then towel off afterwards. Not good.

So, being home was incredibly important for so many reasons.

The pain was not controlled so I am now doing radiation treatments again.....oh boy! This time the doses are higher than when I had them in 2007, but there is one big difference. I have 10 sessions where in 2007 I had 33 sessions. I am half way there. Today was my 5th. I have been experiencing stomach issues, big time. I'm told it has nothing to do with radiation. Despite the fact that it started 3 days after I started RADS. I am sure being assaulted with radiation has some effect on other parts of my body. You can't convince a Radiologist that. I tried to in 2007 as well. I had some side effect happening and the doctor would not accept that it could be related to the treatments. I was so furious. I know my body and know what is affecting it.

Anyway......The up side about doing the RAD treatments is that hopefully the pain will be gone and the other pain will be manageable. Also what I didn't know right off and the main Radiologist who has my case failed to tell me is that the two tumors they are "attacking" are very close to my spinal nerve in my spinal cord. If the tumors grew any more, they could push against that nerve and cause paralysis to the rest of my body. I found this out from another doctor where I am getting the treatments at. I say treatments, even though I am not being treated with radiation, this is not curing my disease. It is only making it more comfortable for me to continue dying. Also that little fact about the spinal nerve.

I had to get off of Hospice for the 1 1/2 weeks due to Hospice not willing to pay for it, its cost is $10,000.00. Yikes! So, I'm hoping Medicare will pay for it and the part they don't pay for I qualify for Free Care. So, I'm all set. Or so they say. I also almost had my hospital bed taken away from me......red tape......the company is taking my cane, my tray table which has been VERY helpful and my oxygen tanks and equipment. Good thing I don't need the oxygen right now and I have another cane due to a friend buying me one. Then after the 1 1/2 weeks is over, I can have it all back. Luckily my Oncologist wrote a Rx for the bed. I don't know what I'd do, I'd lay on the futon bed but it would be very uncomfortable for me and people couldn't stay over night with me unless they slept on the floor. But it's not an issue thankfully.

I am very grateful for so many things and yet there is still so much to gripe about. I do try to look on the bright side of life.....hey isn't that a song? lol

Sometimes its just a sucky situation.

The RADS is making me tired for sure. I still have 5 more to go, luckily I have Saturday and Sunday off, so maybe my body can rest up a bit before the last 3 txs. I am told that I could have a sore throat for a week or more after I stop tx. I also may have trouble swallowing. Radiation is the gift that keeps on giving.

I AM lucky they saw the tumors pressing on the spinal cord etc... if I hadn't had the pain and hadn't had the CAT Scan, then I could be going about my business and wake up one day unable to move. Not ok. It could still happen. Hopefully not.

When I met with my Oncologist yesterday, with my mom and Soc Worker from Hospice, I tried to keep it together but I ended up crying quite a bit. I asked him a bunch of questions and he showed us the CAT Scan on the computer. Pretty freaky.

Then I asked him how bad off do I need to be until he can sign off on Paliative Sedation. He said that it's up to me, but I know I have to be pretty bad off. I started crying due to the fact that I feel like I'm almost there. It has been a long long year and my family and friends, some of them, possibly could be experiencing Compassion Fatigue. It is a long time to put out love and caring for someone and to prepare yourself for someone to die and they don't.

I can't get away from it and go camping or go traveling or just not communicate with ......well, me.....I live with this every single day. It is getting emotionally very very hard for me to keep looking at the positive parts of this journey. I am still doing it, but it's getting harder. My mom says I'm so brave. I don't feel like that. I also don't want to have to live up to that. I don't want people to expect me to be brave all the time. I want to be able to fall apart too. To be allowed to have crappy crappy horrible disgusting days sometimes. After all this is not a fun time to be had by all. I am dying of a horrible disease, so aren't I allowed to have some bad days?

I really just want to be loved and cared for and not looked at with pity or with fatigue that says to me....."you've lived too long"

That is incredibly hard to hear or to imagine people are thinking. That my loved ones want me to just go. Maybe it's partly due to them not wanting me to suffer, or that they are scared. I am just very vulnerable right now, so that means I'm super sensitive to others' emotions. I"m thinking that I'm turning another corner of where I am getting worse and will soon be sedated more than I am now. It's about Dignity and Grace for me at this time on this journey. I don't want to be angry and mean to people as I've heard people get as they get closer to the end. Even if it IS part of the process. Not for me. I want people to remember me as a person who can show love and be loved and respects people no matter what their story is.

I am rambling now.......lol

I just wanted to show you a small window of what goes on in my mind lately. The fears and issues I"m dealing with. I also have experienced Love and Singing. My friends came over to give me a private Kirtan session recently and that was so healing and wonderful! I also have had reiki from a friend not too long ago and tomorrow my Polarity Goddess is coming over to my house to give me Polarity. I can't wait! I hope she can balance me out a bit. Open up the closed up areas of my body and spirit. My body is being attacked by this radiation that is helping but also is hurting other parts of me. So those parts need some help.

I am very grateful for the community I have around me. It is a bit smaller now than it was in the beginning. Some people have faded into the back ground and some are very busy before Fall gets here. Either traveling or busy with their kids. I still have an amazing core crew of beautiful souls who help me in so many ways.

So, I'll end this post with a thank you for reading and for witnessing my journey.

Blessed Be!

Back to RADS.....AGAIN!!!!

Yes, it's true. I'm having more radiation therapy. I had to be in the hospital for what I thought
was a pulled muscle that caused me so much pain it was excruciating. I was there for 3 1/2 days and left still dealing with the pain. I was told on one day that I had to go home with this uncontrolled pain and die in bed. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was not ready to hear that. My mind could not wrap itself around that information. The Oncologist didn't ask if I wanted a family member with me or a nurse or anyone. She drops the bomb on me in not a nice way and leaves the room saying "sorry". I was devastated.

Then the next day she came back to say that maybe radiation would help shrink the tumors that they saw on the CAT Scan the night before. Or I could try a nerve blocker. I don't think I"m going in that direction. They want me to have 10 sessions of RADS. I have had two so far. The weekends there is no treatment. So on Saturday (yesterday) I had horrible digestive issues. Nothing was staying in my body. Not throwing up, thankfully, but coming out the other end. Not fun. I soooo wanted to have some ice cream with my friend who stayed over last night but it just wasnt worth the torture my body would go thru afterwards. I wanted my body to have a break for a while. I'm hoping the reaction to the RADS is over and my body will be acclimated from here on out. I can't afford to lose any more weight. I'm about at 108 or less at 5'7". I lost about 60 pounds since last Summer.

I have been thinking that I have just lived too long and also have been feeling that from some family members and non family members. It's too hard to give out compassion for a year or more I guess. I try to understand it and wish I could take the pain away from others, but I can't.

I am living with this every single day. I can't take a break from it and go camping and forget about it all. Nope. Every day.

This is what I wanted. To die with dignity and not with excruciating pain. So far it was happening until now. I'm feeling optimistic about the RADS working. I'm wondering if I need all 10 sessions.

I know that everyone grieves differently and expresses their fear differently. I'm trying to find acceptance for that. It's hard when I"m exhausted and in so much pain. So I figure if people want to come to me and share love and compassion with me then thats what I'm needing and requesting. Not judgment or telling me what they think I should or should not do. This is MY path, MY journey of dying. The most important journey of my life in this body. If people can't show and share love with me, then hopefully they can process their pain and fear with others.

I have enough to deal with on my own and can't fix anyone else or should I do that. NO.

Everyone hurts and expresses that hurt in their own way. This is my mantra for today.

I love you all out there!!!!!

Love one another please!

Peace

Jenn

Changes

Good Morning Ya'll

Well I've had an up and down kind of weekend so far.

I felt the urge to write about it.

The pain I'm having on my ribcage has gotten much worse. So I went up on my meds I think it was Friday? So that adds more memory issues and more fatigue until my body gets used to the change.

I have noticed my memory over all, even before the up in medication, has been challenging.

Well, this morning I spoke with someone who I treasure my time with and she told me we have a visit scheduled for this week and on my paper schedule I have nothing written down. So my mind went into overdrive when I was half asleep as well, to try and find the memory of when we decided on this visit. I couldn't put the pieces together of when that was. I can't tell you how upsetting that is to forget something important as a visit with a friend is. It's one thing to forget a name of an actor or a street name. That happens to everyone. But to remember a visit planned? To me that ups the ante of stress in my brain. I am someone who is/was super organized. I would remember the phone call or email or whatever it was that occurred in making that appointment. Not now. Wow! It's like someone took some tweezers and plucked out that memory completely. It's like I want to find the person responsible for causing this. Ahhhh, that's right....CANCER! Fatigue, med increase, stress, feeling beat up at the DMV two days ago because I didn't have my nurses medical license number on the form so she yelled at me over and over until i was shaking uncontrollably and my brother had to step in to help, lots of emotional triggers lately......who knows? It's all connected like a spiders' web to CANCER being in the middle.

I love that I can still schedule my time, MY TIME, still. But lately things have been happening. Not every day and still under the normal of 'people making mistakes and its ok' category. I will be so incredibly sad when scheduling will be in someone elses' hands.

I know it will happen some time. I walk with a cane now. I have a disabled placard to use in anyones car, which is helpful but its still one more thing to show people that I have something going on with me. Something not right. Different.

I wish I could plan on how I will feel each day. What to do.

My brother came up for a short visit. It was great to see him. He wanted to make plans before he came up and I had to tell him, like I have to tell everyone, that I just don't know how I'm going to feel at each visit. I can't make reservations at a restaurant. Most restaurants are too loud for me to go to now. There is a wonderful Tea House that is lovely and usually very quiet. I do get a little tired of having the same small choices of food. The Tea House is mostly for tea but with some yummy pita bread with different options such as olives and tomatoes and hummus, feta cheese or goat cheese with scrumptious spices on them such as cardamon.

I guess, I just wanted to express my sadness for not being able to do certain things as good as I could before and how things are declining once again.

It's a rainy Sunday and I suppose it fits my mood.

Statement referring to the last post

Hi Ya'll

I slept on  what I had wrote yesterday and just wanted to make a couple of things clear.

One is that I love all animals and creatures. I have killed a few bugs here and there but honestly I try to bring them outside. An example is that on Monday I received some beautiful calla lilies and on one of them there was a very small and cute little slug hanging on and walking around. I took him down my two flights of stairs and put him on the ground in an area where he'll get to some greenery. So, I would never ever consider killing the seagulls. They are laughing at me as I write this. Loud as ever.

lol

And then the whole redneck comment....it's so hard to know whether a comment like that is going to be met with anger or a personal attack. I hesitated and then decided to use it. I believe that all of us can be pushed to a point of wanting to call someone a name that may be grouped into a stereotype. Like my friend from England used to call me a tree hugger. I embraced that and love the term because I am indeed a tree hugger. I have a picture to prove it. Some people would be offended by that. Now redneck is a bit more harsh than tree hugger in my opinion. So I wanted to apologize to anyone that I may have offended. I don't take it back however because, like I wrote above, I believe we all get pushed to a certain point of impatience and anger that we will name call. I am trying to keep it real here and I certainly wouldn't call anyone that name to their faces. Anywhoo.....I wanted to just clear some of that up in case someone had a problem with those issues.

I'm trying my best to be all Zen and Buddhist and Pagan about my fellow seagulls and maybe I can send some kind of message to them as a whole in a meditation to please move somewhere else, PLEASE?!

Have a fabulous day ya'll!

Seagulls will get me first!

Hi Ya'll

Well, you may be wondering about the title of my post today. Today is one of the first days in a while that I could keep my windows open and not have my A/C running. The rain was coming down in sheets this morning so my cat Stewie and I lay in bed listening to the rain. Then when the rain was slowing down, the latest noisy addition to my neighborhood is the dozen or so seagulls that are either being fed or there is something most extraordinary out on the roofs. The last few weeks the gulls have become insane. They screech and yell as they are right now and have been all day. Not a little in the morning and a little in the evening. No. All day!!! I now have my A/C on just to dull the sound. Unfortunately I can still hear them but not as much. I can't be the only person upset with this happening. All the other birds I've loved to listen to are being drowned out by the gulls. I love hearing the mourning doves, cardinals, sparrows and finches, chickadees and many other birds. Now all I hear are the gulls screeching like they have found the best meal ever. Fighting and ......
Can you tell I'm a bit bothered by this? LOL

I know its the full moon but this has been happening for weeks now and it seems to be only getting worse. No one is going to want to spend the night if they have to deal with screeching gulls every night and morning. Or maybe I'm the only person upset by this? I know I'm extra sensitive right now and can get upset over small things but this is not small. My home health aide got to see and hear what I'm talking about today. She said she'd go nuts too. 

I have discovered that for sure I'm more sensitive. I picture my body almost turning inside out in a way. My body is experiencing being a baby like body again. My skin is delicate, it rips easy. I have had more cuts lately from little things that I didn't think would cut me but have. I need to be careful due to so much Ibuprofen I'm on that thins the blood. Lots of bruises. I notice I am not having hot flashes anymore, thats something wonderful! I don't sweat as much. Yay!

While I'm bitching I'll share a funny with ya'll. My friend Tanya and I wanted to go to a small beach  the other day and have some quiet time together. Not be with rowdy folks at the big beaches. We were turned away at one place I love, the parking lot was full. I swear you have to get there at sunrise to get a space. So Tanya knew of another small beach. It was great, very very small, a huge Hummer could maybe cover most of the beach area. The tide was going out so we were hopeful we'd get some more beach area. Most everyone was quiet, sitting in a beach chair reading. Perfect! One couple came onto the beach. The man was a bit annoying. He was smoking a cigg and talking loud and saying hi to everyone whether they wanted to say hi or not. I could tolerate him ok. He was nice enough. We were there maybe an hour, probably less., and there is one family that comes onto the beach with their kids, maybe four kids. Its filled up pretty good, then Tanya and I couldn't believe what was happening. About a dozen more people, including their kids, bombarded the beach area. They had their coolers full of beer and they were screaming at their kids and saying to one another, "you better sober up soon!" What?!! It was so incredibly rude and clueless that these people were doing this. It was like a family of loud kids and drunk adults crashed a symphony performance. No awareness of what is going on around them, or they just don't care. So Tanya and I left. The woman next to us asked if she could have our space and we said of course you can and good luck. I just don't understand the people who feel like they have a right to crash a place and make it theirs. I know this is so un-P.C. but we were saying that we got crashed by a bunch of rednecks. Yes, rude stereotype but it sooooo fit them. Babies being unattended to while the mom is drunk and swearing and you name it. Just too much.

So, on our way back we stopped at the cutest little cupcake trailer set up. Cupcakes on wheels. This mini trailer painted pretty pinks and greens was set up in this parking lot with a small table and two chairs next to it. We each got a cupcake. We could have had ice cream with it but that was too much. I barely finished my cupcake. They were wonderful!!

So, I was thinking about how I want to still be able to do for others and finding it harder to do that. Is it ok that I only receive now? Is it ok to just get food from family and friends when I need it and not have to pay them to do so? Is it ok to receive help doing laundry and not pay the person for doing it? I wish I had the money to pay everyone that does something for me something. A gift card to somewhere nice or some gas money and in some cases I have when I was able to. Right now I'm hurting for money until the beginning of the month so it's hard for me to ask for anything but I am in need. My polarity therapist told me thats one lesson i'm here to learn, is to receive and only receive. That I have given a lot over the course of my lifetime and now its ok to just receive and I have to fully receive, meaning without apologizing or having to give something back in return. I think some things are ok, but mostly to feel what its like to fully receive. Wow! Does anyone else have a hard time with doing that? To fully receive without thinking of a way you can pay that person back? In some small or large way?

I hope that my thank yous and the little things I CAN do is enough for people in my life. I won't be here too much longer, or so I think., thought so .... you get the idea.....who knows when, but it seems like its not much much longer, so is it ok to feel the receiving end of things now? Before I go?

Maybe this sounds selfish? Maybe some people are saying or thinking to themselves that I am using my dying as an excuse to just receive? I wonder about these things. I'd love some feedback on what you all think about giving and receiving. Can you just give and not expect a thank you or anything in return? Isn't it about the giving and not the response?

What I would like to give those gulls out my window, is a big box that will fit all of them in and fly them to the moon! No no no.......I don't mean it. Or maybe I do.

Feeling Some Freedom

Hi Everyone!

I want to post about my wonderful day on Saturday and update you on what's happenin'.

I had my dear friend Nancy overnight on Friday and we had some time to catch up before
we both crashed a bit early. We were able to get up early in the morning to go to the beach
with our coffees. There was a road race happening where I usually like to go so we picked
a totally different place. I asked Nancy if I could drive. I LOVE driving her car. Its a stick shift
so its so much fun! It's been so long since I've driven. I felt good and wasn't feeling drugged up.
So, I drove for a while and it just felt so so good. The feeling of being independent again. The
windows open with our hair flying and we were laughing. No humidity to keep our windows shut
and have a/c. After a while Nancy drove and as we were crossing a bridge to go to our destination, I just started to cry. I felt the emotions coming up and I could have pushed them down, thinking this is silly to be crying over something like this, but I allowed myself to let the emotions come up. Nancy put her hand on my heart and my hand on hers as I cried. It was like I was "normal" again. Like before the cancer had come back. I was independent again. I was free. I felt so light
and happy and like someone who maybe was incarcerated for a while. I don't know for sure but that's possibly what it felt like. Freedom.

I have been cooped up in my apartment for quite some time due to the immense humidity. I could go for short rides to the store and maybe a cafe'. But not for a long time and always from A/C to A/C. I don't know how people can live like that in the Southern States where you have to have it all the time. I love the dry air and the feeling of my lungs being able to take a full inhalation, well, as full as I can right now. We were at a small beach with no one else around except to see the lighthouse nearby. We found lots of seaglass that was not quite "cooked" yet, so we threw them back into the sea. Nancy continued to do that while I made a sculpture with a stick and bright green seaweed with other objects. It was so much fun. Like playing as a child. I then took lots of photos. It felt so good to take pictures again.

We had to get back fairly soon because we both had places to be or friends to be with next.

I then said goodbye to Nancy and my friend Chrissy came to get me shortly after.

We went to another little beach about 20 mins from here. We too had tried another place and found there to be no parking. We thought we were settling for this small beach area but it actually ended up being the perfect place for me anyway. It was shaded and had hardly anyone around.

Nancy and I also had found a yard sale. I LOVE yard sales. It felt so good to find one. I had missed them so much lately. I found a nice floppy hat to wear. So I wore my floppy hat with Chrissy on this small beach. We had got sandwiches and ate them on the beach while we looked at the mounds of lobster traps floating in the water on a plank of wood. I suppose they need to be protected. People may want to steal them to get their own lobsters? Lots of sail boats to look at as well. A small black lab puppy was there near us. I asked them if I could pet him. Luckily they said yes, I was chomping at the bit to go over there and say hi. His name is Thunder. So sweet. I love getting puppy kisses.

Chrissy went out in the water so I did too. I ended up bringing my lovely rabbit Henry with me whom I take pictures of and make greeting cards out of. He has a music box in him and is to be around 30 years old. So Henry went onto a rock in the water, Chrissy was helping me. She became my assistant. We put Henry on branches of trees and leaves, and rocks. The rock formations and grooves were tremendous. I loved taking pics of them.

When Chrissy and I were almost up to our knees in the water we saw a rusty huge chain that was attached to the ground and then some seaweed was attached to it floating on top of the water. Chrissy grabbed the chain and then we saw at the bottom a good sized crab. He had a small shell on his head, like a hat. We were joking about that, he was sweet. Until another crab came over and crab with hat didn't like this intruder. They started fighting! Chrissy said it was like watching the Titans. So funny but I also didn't feel like getting in their way. I was quickly out of the water. Chrissy stayed and gave me some commentary. LOL.... no way was I going to get pinched by those claws. To be honest, the crab was probably only the size of my hand, not too huge. Still..... :)

I suddenly got pretty tired and Chrissy could tell. She suggested I lay down and rest and she would peruse the beach for goodies to find.

I just listened to the waves and sea life with my eyes closed. So wonderful.

After being recharged a bit, I took more pics of some of what Chrissy had found.

Then it was time for me to go home and really rest.

I didn't want to go home.

I had had a rough few days before Saturday and just wanted this good feeling to last and last and last.

I have the memory and so I can try and tap into that when I'm in my apt this week due to high humidity. I am just so open to experience things that I took for granted before. I am appreciative of so much now.

I also got a cane recently. Yep, a cane. My muscles are weakening a bit in my legs, arms and hands. I get twitching in my hands mostly. I notice now, its harder to walk up my two flights of stairs. So, my nurse ordered a cane. I do have osteoporosis, so it would really suck if I fell and broke a bone or two. I may not heal properly or.....?

So, its black and not so cool looking. My friends have been great, all suggesting ideas of dressing it up. I also hung out with a friend today who bought me another cane that is pretty flash I must say. lol.
It is black with pretty flowers on it. Purple, pink, blue and mauve. It's pretty sturdy. I may use this one first and then go with the hospital one. It is maybe slightly more sturdy. We were talking today, Melissa and I, about getting one for each outfit. I at least have to put some purple on the black one, to match my hair.

So, Bob, the medicine bag, has been really a pain lately. We're not talking at the moment. LOL, no....honestly....it's been a struggle to carry it every where. I just want to throw it across the room sometimes. It is something I can NEVER put down and walk away from except when I take a shower. That is hard. It's like carrying an extra weight with you when you sleep and eat and dress and so forth.

Finding the balance has been tricky when the weather has been so bleak and oppressive. I can find it a bit easier when I can get out and about and get to nature. Nature is a healer of my soul.

So, we have Bob and the cane and some physical issues. Then we have a wonderful day of freedom that re-energized me.

That's my latest update.....

Thank you all so much for reading. I love you and am tremendously grateful for you all and keep the comments coming!