Waves are settling

I apologize for the long pause in posts.

I needed some time off and to gather some strength both physically and psychologically.

Sometimes I feel like i'm a sponge, sucking up all energy around me. Once in a while I blow a circuit. Overloaded senses.

I regroup and move forward again.

This time was a bit of a nuclear meltdown, too much detail to get into.

All systems are up and running now. Slowly but still progressing forward.

Lately there has been so much rain and clouds that the motivation to keep a positive, hopeful spirit has been challenging. Not impossible but its like walking with galoshes in the mud,.... leaving solid footprints.

There are going to be some changes in my life, they may not come all at once and be dramatic, but all the same, major changes.

I will keep you posted.

Rain, rain go away, come again another day....
please?

Stormy Weather

To live or not to live, that is the question....

There have been lots of storms lately as i'm sure most people around the country know.

One person was killed by a house collapsing on her. There may have been tornadoes but no confirmation has been made on that.

A storm will come in with dark clouds and then wind and then heavy rains with lightning. The sun will come out, everyone can breathe again. Birds come out, people venture outside. A little while later another storm comes in. Repeat, repeat....

I thought I was out of the storm....., i'm back in it.

I'm not sure what to say about it really.

Its such a tiresome thing to write or talk about. I'm sure people in my life are sick of hearing about it. I know I am. I'm living it and i'm sick of it big time.

I saw a new therapist yesterday and it didnt go well. She was all business and I felt like I was in bootcamp. She was the drill sargent. All about rules to follow and what she expects from me and how I am "encouraged" to try this and that....no smiles, no empathy or sympathy, nothing.
Rules and guidelines.

I left there feeling worse than when I arrived.

I'm at the point right now where i'm just so tired of it all, really tired. Tired of this depression, tired of fighting to stay alive.

I don't want people to write me to tell me how they want me to live or how good of a person I am, i'm not looking for sympathy or help in that way. No pity party please. I'm just expressing how I'm feeling.

Shitty really....

I think the guilt of how people in my life would feel is keeping me alive right now. The guilt of how my family and friends would be affected if I took my own life.

Why is it that we stay alive for other people?

This new therapist wants to make sure I stay alive. Why does she care if I stay alive? She doesnt know me, i'm not in her life in that way, why care?

We put our animals down or discard them if they are a nuissance but we can't accept it if someone wants to leave this earth now. why is that?

The pro-lifers fight against abortion but will (not all) allow this stupid war to go on and accept that its ok to kill human beings, for what?

We kill animals for food and fur and leather.

I just got to thinking about it lately.

The catholics say its a sin to kill yourself and you'll go to hell. I don't believe that.

There are so many rules and religions about life and what that means. But its also twisted. The death penalty is ok? Murder is justified sometimes? I don't get it.

I don't want anyone to panic that reads this that i'm going to do something drastic.

Yes, its on my mind.

But like I said before, I have too much guilt to actually do anything. I don't want to hurt people.

In the meantime i'm hurting, ....inside and out right now.

Hopefully next post will be positive.

Reminder

Well, i've poked my head out of the water and am swimming the doggy paddle.

The dark cloud has lifted.

We had some nasty thunder storms yesterday. I was on my way to an appointment when I had to wait for the storm to pass, stop what i'm doing and wait. It seems similar to when I get hit with some serious depression symptoms. I just have to wait it out.

I saw Batman last night, the new one with the late Heath Ledger and the beautiful sexy Christian Bale. It was amazing! I can see why Heath is getting some Oscar nomination nods. He's incredibly scary and disturbing. The movie was very dark and intense, but so well done that you just have to watch it all. The acting was so well that it almost became real, thats when you know you are transformed as a viewer, when a movie can almost make you believe that what you are seeing is really going on. Love that!

I've been running around all week, started a neuro rehabilitation program due to the chemo messing around with my brain and cognitive functions. I am also going to start a new therapy group and see a new counselor to also help with some skills I am lacking, to hopefully get me back to work or school.

I am reminded that I am still in recovery. All the running around lately has really exhausted me. I have some more running around to do today but its fun running around, not tedious like this last week. Sunday I should be able to mostly take the day off and chill.

I look back at what i've accomplished this week and am still amazed that it could wear me out so much.

I could let that depress me and I could easily go to a place where I felt sad that i'm not up to par quite yet, but I am trying not to.

I want to give myself a break and realize that next thursday will be my one year anniversary of stopping chemo treatment, but it wont be till october 5th when I will have been finished with radiation treatment for a year. It takes some time to get back to feeling more energetic.

I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Patience grasshopper

Reluctance

I am really reluctant to post today due to not knowing what to say and wishing I were more positive.

I keep reminding myself that I didn't start this blog to only be positive. There are a gazillion blogs out there that can give extreme positivity if thats what is needed. I want my blog to be real.

So, on that note, i'm still reluctant. No one wants to be a downer or negative.

I'm human, I'm going to be who I am and thats not always positive.

I've been struggling with the dark clouds over head lately. Depression can sneak up on you when you least expect it.

I'm sure most people have some form of depression and it can last from hours to a couple of days, but for clinical depression, it can be very severe and last quite a long while.

Some days I can have some sadness and a good walk can help lessen the intensity.

Lately, however, nothing seems to work. Thats when I know its serious. Walks, being with friends, happy movies, good music, ....nothing helps and sometimes makes me feel worse.

I usually just have to ride the waves and coast into shore hopefully on my feet and not with a mouth full of sand.

Thats about all I have to say today....I'm still here and still riding the waves, reluctantly.

Energy

I took this photo of fireworks friday night with some good friends. It was a lovely night, no clouds, no rain, everyone enjoying the lights in the sky, having fun! Isn't that what life is about? Sometimes. Its also about appreciating the good moments. If we only had good moments we may never realize how special they are.

Its sunday. A time when lots of people go to church. I called a friend this morning and she's not usually a church goer but in the summer for about 2 months she goes with her mom to a small chapel that opens only for the summer months. Its a sweet little chapel that has guest preachers for the 8 weeks or so.

It got me thinking about the times I went to church as a child. I have never been one to join a church or religion. I believe in honoring many religions or spiritual practices. My parents "made" me go and for a while I was a faithful Episcopalian and even got confirmed as one. I am grateful for the experience. The singing of carols or psalms, drinking the special wine from the golden goblet, eating the wafers.

My thoughts are that people are attracted to energy. The energy of how it feels to be in a group of people all focused on the same ideas.

People worship many gods and goddesses. Theres God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, and so many more...

I have had many amazing experiences at events or churches where the energy was incredible. I've always been attracted to churches, especially old ones in the UK or France. I love old grave yards too.

Once I was a personal assistant for a woman who used to be a photographer until she lost her eyesight due to diabetes. She still had so much faith and believes that she's here to teach others about adversity. We went to an all black baptist church one day. I was nervous and excited. This was a new experience for me and I didn't know what to expect. The church was somewhere near Black Mountain, NC. I was going to massage school at the time.

Everyone there was so welcoming and they knew the woman I was with. She had been frequenting there at that time. A few people gave us curious looks and even giggled, but for the most part there was no judgment. There were beautiful colors of clothes and fancy hats all scattered about the pews. We went near the front and waited for the service to begin. I was so happy to see that there was no preaching of sin or negative ideas. It was all positive. There were microphones and an organ blaring out the sounds of joy.

Then there came the singing. The voice of one woman in particular blew me away. After about 5 minutes of the singing, the energy in the place rose to the heavens. You could not help but be swept away from it all. Rising and rising until our bodies all swayed in unison. I saw the woman I was with, just holding up her arms and feeling the power of what was happening. She couldn't witness what I saw, she couldn't see the people going up front to get "healed", falling into someones arms and to the ground. She couldn't see the people with their arms in the air as if in a trance, praising the Lord and Jesus. However, she could feel the energy around her and hear the beautiful sounds come together and swirl as one. I lifted my arms and closed my eyes. I was hooked. Its a drug, this high you feel when people come together and lift each other up.

When I was in NYC I went to a famous yoga studio for some free chanting. Krishna Das was leading the chanting. The tabla drums and singing,... again...lifted the room. It was a hot summer night, all of us sweating and chanting.

I went to a performance of Tibetan Monks chanting once. Same idea. Everyone was hypnotized.
NYC, Qawwali music from Pakistan, people throwing money over their heads as a form of respect, African drumming circles, Twirling Dervishes, the list goes on and on.

When there are events such as these or even just a sports or music event, where lots of people go to a place to gather and cheer for the same idea.

Maybe thats why we are so addicted to gathering in groups. We love that high. Music, singing, chanting, cheering, laughing, joy, love.

I personally don't believe in joining one group or religion. I want to experience many different types of things.

Aren't we all craving that same thing?

I see on a c.d. of have of Qawwali music,...it says..."Qawwali, the essence of desire".

I believe that says it all.

Plans changing

Lately i've noticed that when I make plans to do something, things don't always turn out how i'd hoped they would.

Sometimes its for the better but in my experience I get disappointed.

Yesterday was a nice surprise. I was able to be a "bride" after all!

I got to wear a beautiful Linen/lace dress (pictured here).

There were supposed to be about 200 guests for the fund raiser, but I believe when I was there the count was less. The rain had come out once again. Theres a trend happening in Maine, rain and thunderstorms in the afternoons, for weeks now.

I was a bit nervous but excited to strut my self on the "cat walk" which was only a porch. The house was amazingly beautiful, mansion like. On the water with a huge lawn and sitting rooms that were roped off to peering eyes.

That was a nice surprise to not be the mother of the bride. Although there were fabulous dresses for that purpose that many women pulled off wonderfully.

I believe there were about 6 brides showing off gorgeous dresses and jewelry.

Other changes have been when I invite people to come over and they cancel the last minute or I plan on doing something and it gets rained out.

Next friday, july 4th, I am planning a party. I'm not sure what the weather is going to be like. Right now the weather forecasts rain and thundershowers. Yuck! I wanted to go cookout and then watch the fireworks that are shot off a few blocks from my house. My apartment is so tiny that I don't want everyone to just hang out inside all night, thats no fun.

It is still a week away, so maybe the weather people have it wrong. Maine weather can change all the time. Just like my life lately.

Change is in the air

Happy Summer Solstice!

June 21st was the solstice, starting off summer, technically it was friday night....

Its been rainy and cool for the most part except today was hot and humid but no sun, a sticky mess.

But, its summer! My favorite season in Maine!

To honor the solstice I lightened my hair a bit. It wasn't the color I was going for but I think i'll get used to it eventually, hopefully before it grows out again. When my hair grew back it grew back much much darker. So much so that a friend I recently met said he thought my hair was dark brown in the picture he saw on my MySpace page. That did it for me, time for a change as the season changes.

I went to a fancy boutique today that specializes in wedding party attire. Theres going to be a fund raiser for the Cancer Center I go to on thursday. Its going to be at a board members beautiful home and it includes a fashion show. I was asked to be one of the "models" for the bridal dresses. I was thinking I could be like cinderella and dream of some day perhaps getting married. Wear an expensive dress that I would probably never buy but could dream of wearing, feel special for a couple of hours.

Then I get there and the woman running the shop today asks me if I'm supposed to try on the brides dress or the mother of the brides dress. I assumed it was only going to be brides dresses. Wrong! I am going to play the part of the mother of the bride! great!

It seems almost worse than being the brides maid and never the bride,.... being the mother of the bride, ...when A. i'm not a mother and won't ever have children, B. I've never been married before and C. I'm menopausal.....so i suppose its perfect, just a bit depressing. The woman playing the part of the bride is gorgeous, shes' almost too perfect, so it makes sense to have her be the bride. It was just a bit of a let down thats all. I'll be wearing a beautiful outfit and it cost more than I pay for groceries all month, so I really can't complain.

My cinderella glass slippers will just have to stay in their box for another day.