Gratitude

Hi Ya'll

Well, I am blown away by all the support I have been receiving in all shapes and sizes!

Today, some dear friends came over and removed lots of boxes and a bureau to be sold at a yard sale, some of those boxes were HEAVY!

Then I had a sweet friend come over for a visit. A woman who has battled her own cancer and is still recovering but kickin' butt! So nice to catch up and she gave me a purple wig! I was wondering if I should re-dye my hair purple but now I don't have to, I have a wig to put on when I'm feeling sassy! :)

Then, my sweet brother Mark set up a website to help with my bucket list and to also connect with people who would like to see pictures and post their own pics and sign the guest book. Its a beautiful site! Thank you so much big brother, i love you!

If you would like to check it out, go to www.jenngerow.com

Please sign the guest book, i love seeing who stops by.

The love, prayers, and support of all kinds is so overwhelming and wonderful!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

On the physical front I had the oxygen compressor delivered and have a travel tank as well. My breathing is definitely declining a bit. My muscles aren't too happy with me now and of course the cancer pain.......yuck...

But, over all I'm doing pretty well.

I'm working on letting go of control. Thats been very very challenging for me lately. I am so used to taking care of myself and doing all that I have to do to get "things done".

My lesson is trusting and letting go.....

Have a beautiful day everyone!
Blessings

Hospice

Morning Everyone

Had a few rough days.

Hospice Social Worker came over yesterday and also my BFF Nancy came too to ask questions.

It was a very eye opening, emotionally overwhelming meeting.

I also had an amazing launch meeting of eHope. Lots of my wonderful friends and family came to support me and sign up to help in any way they are able to. I am still processing what was said and the love that I felt. Beautiful! I'll always be grateful for the love that was expressed to me that day!

Yesterday, the social worker said that I will need 24 hour care from friends/family at some point or else I'll have to go to a nursing home. I think I mentioned that in a previous post.

So, we're trying to figure out a way to let me stay at home as long as I can. Hopefully till the "end".

I want to put on the brakes now and say...."what a minute! not ready for this stage yet!"

I do think I have some more time but things need to be said and put out there, my needs and wishes. Also to prepare some things.

Nancy and I put her on my bank account so she can close it out when I die and the account won't go to probate or what have you. I am on disability so there isn't much to get at. Every little bit helps however.

I don't have life insurance or any savings so there isn't going to be a funeral. I am ok with that but I know that some family members won't be ok with this decision.

I don't want to burden anyone with funeral costs and so forth. Plus my idea for years now was to help science in any way possible with a body I won't be in after I die.

I'm looking into donating my body to medical students at UNE or Harvard has a brain study program for depression and since I've struggled with depression most of my life that may be one way to contribute.

The bonus part is that I don't have to pay for cremation or any of it. I AM however looking into having the cremation done at an eco-friendly crematorium. Did you know that cremation adds a major footprint to global warming? It does. There is one green cremation place in Maine that I'm hoping to be sent to.

So...thats just one subject we were discussing yesterday.

You can imagine how surreal it may seem to me? It was and is.

I was pretty stressed out yesterday and emotional.

I SO want my window of time!!! damnit!

ok.....breathing now

My focus today is to be in the moment and do the best I can do today. I am going to try and think positively and not stress or worry too much.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming......

Mixed Emotions

Up early this Sunday morning. My cat Stewie likes to announce when he poops in his box. LOL, do any of your animal friends do that? At 3:30AM.......I'm not amused. So I laid there in bed thinking about today and what it may entail. So, decided to blog about it.

Today there is a launch meeting to inform all my wonderful peeps who are willing to help me out with my current and upcoming needs thru a website. The website is called eHope.nu. Jeffrey Wood is the creator who has helped many families connect with one another in an easy to understand way. It takes a lot of the stress off of me to try and organize help. Exhausting! I am so lucky to have Jeffreys help and a good friend Liz as well. She will be the facilitator for the site.

So, I'm nervous and excited and hoping that the launch meeting goes well. I know it will be emotional and a bit overwhelming for me. I just hope it all works out for everyone.

I tend to rehearse my upcoming speeches and have been doing that a bit in my head this morning. I'm usually pretty good at speaking from the heart and not having a script. I'm hoping today is no exception. I panic sometimes that I'll forget to mention something.

I will trust that it will all work out just the way it is supposed to.

I am just so incredibly grateful for all the wonderful people who have signed up to help in some way that they are able to. Thank you very very much!!

I also had some fear emotions come up this morning.

I had this vision of me on this raft drifted out to sea. One day I was laying there in the sun enjoying the fish life around me. Dolphins came up to say hello. Whales flipped their tales at me. Lots of sea life to wonder at. I was so happy and appreciative of the moment. Then the next moment I'm on that same raft and its night time. Scary....then it starts to rain and I'm shivering cold. Alone in the dark, floating on the raft not knowing where I am or what's out there in the darkness.

That really describes how I can go from being positive one moment or day to feeling all alone and scared the next. I know I am not alone, not really. I have lots of people around me. I do live alone and when you have a major illness, it is my experience that you get the feeling that no one understands what you're going thru and can sometimes be scared of being near you. Its too uncomfortable for them, too emotional, too scary. So hence the feeling of being alone. In the quiet hours like this morning, when its still dark out. The quiet can be comforting or quite the opposite. No other human to talk to and discuss my bad dreams to. No one to smile at me and ask how I'm feeling.

I am lucky to have this blog and have people who take the time to read it.

Thank you for throwing your anchor out to me. Keeping in touch. Means the world.

I am trying to stay in the sun and watch all the magic around me. There are going to still be those cold dark nights. I just have faith that the sun will come back to my world soon.

Blessings to you all!

Picture is of my dear niece G. Dragonfly with raspberries on her fingers that I took. She makes me appreciate being alive. Thank you Miss G! xo

New Information

Happy Friday Ya'll!

So today is a bit better for me than yesterday as far as the pain and emotional feelings. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the pain and feel the tears wanting to come but its not as overwhelming as yesterday. Neither good or bad. Just is.

I met with my Hospice Nurse yesterday. She's very nice and comes highly recommended.

She , lets call her P, (for privacy). P went over some info with me that was very eye opening and I may have looked like a deer in headlights to her.

I was told that if/when I get to a stage that I will need 24 hour care and no family or friends are able to stay with me etc....that I'll have to go to the hospital or to Gosnell Hospice Home. Yesterday P told me that yes thats true but ONLY if I am assessed as having only 2 weeks to live will I be able to go to the Hospice Home. The hospital will only have me for 3 days give or take a day. Then P says I will have to go to a Nursing Facility. I said..."you mean a nursing home?!". Yes, P said. If I am not "actively dying".

WHAT THE FUCK!!!? No way! I can't go to a nursing home at the age of 43 (on October 8th)!!! So, I really want to make sure I stay at my home for as long as possible and then somehow make it so I don't go to a nursing home. NO!

Also, P was going over my "comfort pack", which is a box containing meds that in case a nurse can't get to me and I need something to help me out. That was also an eye opening, heart palpitating, hands shaking...kind of moment. Some items include suppositories in case I can't swallow pills, one was drops to dry up the water that could accumulate in the back of my throat....etc....I won't go into it all. I think you get the drift. WOW!

This is definitely hitting home for me. I am NOT however thinking this is going to happen tomorrow!

My plan is to do as much as I can do within reason for as long as I can do them. Hence my previous comments about being in the moment.

When my dear sista love came over the other day we were discussing this. I told her that every single appointment I have, whether it be a hair appointment, or getting groceries, or seeing people, every single appointment is highlighted and important. I don't know what kind of experience I will have during each appointment or visit.

When I got my hair cut the other day I was telling my hair stylist woman a little of what was going on and I could tell it made her think about things for her self. She has been trying to quit smoking and didn't want to follow up on her mammogram that came back not so good. She wants to just put her head in the sand......

So, what I'm trying to say is that each experience I have with every human being right now is so precious to me. I never know what will happen, what will be said, what affect that person will have on me and maybe what affect I may have on that person.

I really seem to be getting it now. That whole living in the moment thing that people have over used for decades. I am getting a big glimpse of it now. WOW.

Today I am seeing a dear friend and treating her to lunch for her birthday.

I wonder what lessons I will learn? :)

Blessings to you ALL!

Stress

Good Morning to you all!

Yesterday was a good lesson for me. One of those lessons that are sometimes hard to learn.

I pushed myself way too much and am now paying for it. The pain has increased quite a bit.

I know now that stress = more pain.

I also know that lots of lifting and awkward movements can also = pain.

And a third lesson is that being overtired can also = pain.

I'm learning as this journey continues.

Woke up very cranky and feeling sorry for myself. Living alone can sometimes be challenging when you are feeling vulnerable. I do have a wonderful Maine Coon Cat Stewie who I love and adore and am soooo grateful for. Its still not quite the same as having a human companion with you.

I am going to take it easy today and hopefully my positive self will return.

Self care is whats on board today.

I hope you all are having a wonderful start to your Thursday and its almost the weekend! yay!

Blessings

Morning Worries

Good Morning ya'll!

Just wanted to make a note to some of you that are new to my page that you can FOLLOW it and you'll get an email notification every time I post.

So, I woke up this morning with a lot of pain. My mind went to a darker place of "oh no! I'm getting worse and I'm running out of time!"...panic set in a bit.

I curled up into a ball and let those fears go thru me and then asked myself what I could do to make myself feel better.

I did some stretches and then got up to start my routine. I definitely feel better now. The pain is still there but not screaming at me. I am taking a non-narcotic pain killer that I've recently discovered I can't go off of. I tried to cut back on it thinking maybe my energy would increase because it does make me a little sleepy. Well, not good. I was in so much pain.

One thing that helps me in the morning is my Maine Coon Cat Stewie. He makes me laugh every morning. After I feed him he runs into the living room (now my bedroom) and jumps on this trunk i have there. He wants me to scratch his butt and back, just love him up. So cute and makes me laugh every time. Its become our routine. :)

I have to remind myself that I am STILL recovering from major surgery that I had a month ago. I visited my surgeon for the last time as a post-op appt. He had originally told me that my recovery was going to be 6-8 weeks. Its been just over 4. I'm still recovering.

I get this panic that I won't have that "window" of time that will allow me to do what I want to do. I want to travel to swim with the dolphins, I want to go to my friend Nancys house for a visit. I want to go on photo shoots with some friends or on my own. I would take being able to walk more than 5 minutes without being out of breath right now.

I don't own a car and have walked around town everywhere. I take buses when needed but mostly I would walk. So this change is very challenging for me. I want to be out in this beautiful weather as much as possible. Maines' weather changes so fast. Thats why us maine-ahs appreciate the good weather while its here. A-uh!

My birthday is coming up and I'd LOVE to do something special like go out dancing for 80's night or go see Cirque Du Soleil that is coming here two days after or I don't know...drive up the coast.....

So, What i'm trying to tell myself now is to remember to be in the moment. Be present. Be here NOW.

Acceptance.....

New Doo

Geneva Ingalls Nelson took this pic of me at a duck pond yesterday with my new purple hair! yes!! :)