Back From Dolphin Land!

So, I am back from the land of magical dolphins! Key Largo, Florida to be exact.

There is SO much to say but I'm afraid I won't be able to share it ALL with ya'll.

I want to share the highlights for sure!

It feels like I've been gone for weeks not days. It was seriously like I went into another dimension of time. Time was not a reality.

The first day my brother Mark, friend Nancy and I got to the dolphin place, Island Dolphin Care, I was disappointed because my expectations of what I thought was going to happen and what the set up was, was not to be. I was told by my brother that the dolphins were wild and so forth.....I had a good cry, but then brushed myself off and spoke with one of the lovely owners Deena about the center.

I can't really get into all the details of how the set up is and how I came around to realize that the Island Dolphin Care center is a healing sanctuary and the dolphins are REALLY HAPPY!, but i'll give you a feeling of it. I felt, saw and heard their pure joy and love. No question in my mind. They are not wild but they are also not in a pool. Its the sea and lots of sea life live with them. The dolphins come first and fore most. Humans are only allowed no more than 30-40 minutes a day with the dolphins. Most commercial places are all day and over use the dolphins. This is SOOOO different. Humans are guests in the dolphins home.

Its actually very dangerous to swim in the wild with dolphins, dangerous for the dolphins and humans. Of course there are experiences with dolphins in the wild and some magical ones, but mostly its not a good thing from what I learned. They used to let the gate open into the wild at the IDC and the dolphins would come back after a long swim on their own but humans would see them from the beaches around that area and soon there were dozens of people all charging the dolphins and over whelming them. It was dangerous and not respectful of the dolphins. Soon the animal protection people put a stop to it as they should. It was not good for all involved.

I felt the love and joy from the dolphins so strongly it was impossible to deny that they are incredibly happy.

There is one dolphin who had a baby in August. Usually in the wild the mother dolphin will keep her baby under her fin for a long long time for protection. Some baby dolphins born in this center and the center next door have done the same thing but this little dolphin is very very curious and ventures out and about. His name is Tashi. He was named by one of the Dalai Lamas monks that came to visit the dolphins. He felt the momma dolphin Squirt not knowing she was pregnant and first acknowledged she was pregnant and then said that his name will be Toshi. So cool huh? Squirt keeps a close eye on Toshi and will sometimes swim over to herd him back to her but mostly he swims around people pretty close. He seemed to have a special connection with my brother Mark. So sweet to watch.

I got to cradle a couple of dolphins under water, kiss them and have them pull or push me across the water. I felt their heart beat too, the most amazing experience. Can't describe it.

One more thing before I sign off on part one of the dolphin trip......

I connected with one particular dolphin named Bella. She is so full of joy and taught me to play and laugh so much! She painted a picture for me while my brother and I held the cardboard for her and at the end she painted my face and hand, i felt like she was laughing as she did it. The staff and owner said they hadn't seen any of the dolphins ever do that before!! Also, I kept calling Bella ...Maya. I would say "oh and Maya,..I mean Bella..." over and over and over. I was getting mad at myself for doing it. I do have a problem remembering names but this was over the top. Everyone just laughed every time I did it. Near the end of the second day I think it was.....we were all talking about how Bella is pregnant and that maybe I was connecting with her baby and maybe if its a girl her name should be Maya!! That just made me soooo happy! I had forgot in the beginning that Bella was pregnant. So the last day when I got a special treat and got to cradle her again I gave her and her baby lots of reiki  with love and joy and healing. I also sent that out to all of the dolphins there. There are 4 adults and one baby. Also there is Wono the sea lion. Nancy especially loved him.

Part two coming up soon, stay tuned! :)

PMS ?

No, I'm not able to be experiencing PMS, but thats what it feels like to me lately.

My hormones must be having a party in my head and body right now.

I'm very much all over the place emotionally.

One minute I'm SO excited about my trip to Florida in TWO DAYS!!!! yay!!!

Then the next minute I'm worried about traveling and all the details, packing ....

I'm getting my oxygen tank on wheels to bring with me on the plane today. I'm also getting all the meds I take so i'll be all set for the week.

It all just hits me hard at times. I"m now a person who needs to wear a mask on a plane or in a place with lots of people. I need to have oxygen at the ready. I can't take my long walks I used to take. Climbing my two flights of stairs makes me feel like I've run a marathon at times.

I could go on but thats just too much of a pity party for anyone to deal with....

So you get the idea right?

Acceptance of my situation and feeling grateful for what I CAN do is what I'm working on.

Keeping it real ya know. Thats how I am. I have to share the good with the ugly messy as well.

There is an article I posted on my facebook account about metastatic breast cancer and the people who live with it every day. Like me. The loneliness and feeling like you have one foot in life and one foot in death. How do I decide what to plan for? Do I plan for anything in the future? Why? Not knowing what's going to happen next. I feel a bit like I have a time bomb in me.

Very strange place to live in, this journey I'm on. Very strange indeed.

Birthday Blues

Hi Ya'll

So yesterday was my 43rd birthday.

I awoke with a sore throat and not feeling so swell.

I then got very sad, anxious and irritable about that. I worry that the cold will lead to something more serious and then I'll take a turn for the worse. Or that my trip to Florida next week can't happen because of me being sick etc.....It WILL happen! I WILL be swimming with the dolphins next week!! Yes!

So, then I had family come over to visit and I was not in the best mood. I was weepy and bossy and just  not a happy camper. I tend to get impatient and irritable when what I really need to do is cry. Do you ever find that happens to you? I get angry to get to the tears.

I cried with my mom a bit while everyone else was in the kitchen about how this is probably my last birthday.

I did have a wonderful polarity therapy session that helped tremendously. Marsha is such a gift!! I'm so lucky to be able to get sessions with her!! Thank you Marsha!! My friends Nancy and Kristy brought me there and back and then we watched Creature Comforts (America) a bit when we got back, so funny! So my day ended well.

Birthdays are so "loaded" aren't they? They are for me anyway. By loaded I mean so much emotion and baggage around my birthday. I met my boyfriend Stuart who died, on my birthday many years ago. I have had many disappointing birthdays and birthdays that just didn't go as I had planned. So much pressure to make things just right. I tried one year to ignore the whole day but that didn't work so well either.

I received some lovely flowers from my family that came over and my aunt and uncle had some delivered. I also bought myself some small yellow roses (spray roses) today.

I had a yard sale at my moms on Saturday which went VERY well! My good friend Nancy and other friends of mine came over to help and run it when I wasn't able. My mom, stepdad and some of their friends came to help too. I had friends come and help break down and cart away as well. I was fully covered. Not to forget all the donations that were given to the sale too.

I"m a lucky girl to have so many people helping out!!

My brother, his girlfriend Laura and one of his sons Finn came for two days as well. Very sweet!

Today I had a lovely visit with my step brother and his wife. The rest of the day I will be meditating and taking it easy. I want to kick this thing that may or may not be a cold. I'm drinking ginger tea all day.

I'm just very happy I got thru my birthday and no one got hurt! LOL (at least i'm hoping not too bad anyway)

I can check that off my list, Get Thru Birthday....check!

New Focus

Hello Peeps!

Things are moving along with not too many changes in my physical being. Yes, the pain has gotten a bit worse and yes, my breathing isn't so great but its all still very much tolerable.

I have a new focus that is getting me thru the days lately.

Swimming with the dolphins!!! yay!!

My dear brother Mark has been researching and planning out a trip for a few of us to go to Florida real soon.

I mentioned the website for donations you can go to right? www.jenngerow.com

You can also look at pictures and sign the guestbook. I read every one of the posts. They make me cry in a good way. Thank you ALL so much! I'm overwhelmed by all the kind well wishes and prayers and memories posted. Means the world to me! I am so lucky to have such a wide reaching support. People I have never met are posting and donating and I'm just floored, wow!!

One of my lessons is receiving. Boy am I receiving lately! :)

I think I grew up with the lesson that I have to pay back people for what they give me some how, either financially or in some way. If I can't then I shouldn't receive the gift. I now realize that its an ebb and flow kind of energy that happens. When you give you must then also receive. Like the tide coming into the shore. If you only give out and not receive then the flow doesn't happen. Big lesson for me.

This Saturday I'm hopefully going to have a big yard sale to donate to the dolphin fund and then fingers crossed I'll be leaving for Florida on the 16th of October!!

I'm praying that I'll be as strong as I am now if not stronger to be able to fully enjoy being with one of Earths most magical and intelligent beings.

A dear dear friend was so kind to offer up her home in the Bahamas the other day. The island that she lives half the year on has a dolphin program. I immediately said "YES, of course! "

Then reality sunk in and as I was processing details with my aunt and uncle last night, I realized that it would be too much for me to go to the Bahamas, and with my health, its very risky and too far away. I can get hospice care in Florida if I need to and the facility where I'd be going is fully equipped for people who have special needs like me. Its so odd to say that I have special needs. Its a challenging reality for me, but one I am trying to embrace.

I am focusing on what I CAN do and trying not to focus on what I can't do right now.

I had a lovely lunch with my good friend Gen today and that was something I DID do, i went out and had lunch and went grocery shopping and climbed up two flights of stairs.

Its the little things we take for granted right? Its so nice to appreciate what one CAN do.

Dolphins......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Gratitude

Hi Ya'll

Well, I am blown away by all the support I have been receiving in all shapes and sizes!

Today, some dear friends came over and removed lots of boxes and a bureau to be sold at a yard sale, some of those boxes were HEAVY!

Then I had a sweet friend come over for a visit. A woman who has battled her own cancer and is still recovering but kickin' butt! So nice to catch up and she gave me a purple wig! I was wondering if I should re-dye my hair purple but now I don't have to, I have a wig to put on when I'm feeling sassy! :)

Then, my sweet brother Mark set up a website to help with my bucket list and to also connect with people who would like to see pictures and post their own pics and sign the guest book. Its a beautiful site! Thank you so much big brother, i love you!

If you would like to check it out, go to www.jenngerow.com

Please sign the guest book, i love seeing who stops by.

The love, prayers, and support of all kinds is so overwhelming and wonderful!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

On the physical front I had the oxygen compressor delivered and have a travel tank as well. My breathing is definitely declining a bit. My muscles aren't too happy with me now and of course the cancer pain.......yuck...

But, over all I'm doing pretty well.

I'm working on letting go of control. Thats been very very challenging for me lately. I am so used to taking care of myself and doing all that I have to do to get "things done".

My lesson is trusting and letting go.....

Have a beautiful day everyone!
Blessings

Hospice

Morning Everyone

Had a few rough days.

Hospice Social Worker came over yesterday and also my BFF Nancy came too to ask questions.

It was a very eye opening, emotionally overwhelming meeting.

I also had an amazing launch meeting of eHope. Lots of my wonderful friends and family came to support me and sign up to help in any way they are able to. I am still processing what was said and the love that I felt. Beautiful! I'll always be grateful for the love that was expressed to me that day!

Yesterday, the social worker said that I will need 24 hour care from friends/family at some point or else I'll have to go to a nursing home. I think I mentioned that in a previous post.

So, we're trying to figure out a way to let me stay at home as long as I can. Hopefully till the "end".

I want to put on the brakes now and say...."what a minute! not ready for this stage yet!"

I do think I have some more time but things need to be said and put out there, my needs and wishes. Also to prepare some things.

Nancy and I put her on my bank account so she can close it out when I die and the account won't go to probate or what have you. I am on disability so there isn't much to get at. Every little bit helps however.

I don't have life insurance or any savings so there isn't going to be a funeral. I am ok with that but I know that some family members won't be ok with this decision.

I don't want to burden anyone with funeral costs and so forth. Plus my idea for years now was to help science in any way possible with a body I won't be in after I die.

I'm looking into donating my body to medical students at UNE or Harvard has a brain study program for depression and since I've struggled with depression most of my life that may be one way to contribute.

The bonus part is that I don't have to pay for cremation or any of it. I AM however looking into having the cremation done at an eco-friendly crematorium. Did you know that cremation adds a major footprint to global warming? It does. There is one green cremation place in Maine that I'm hoping to be sent to.

So...thats just one subject we were discussing yesterday.

You can imagine how surreal it may seem to me? It was and is.

I was pretty stressed out yesterday and emotional.

I SO want my window of time!!! damnit!

ok.....breathing now

My focus today is to be in the moment and do the best I can do today. I am going to try and think positively and not stress or worry too much.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming......

Mixed Emotions

Up early this Sunday morning. My cat Stewie likes to announce when he poops in his box. LOL, do any of your animal friends do that? At 3:30AM.......I'm not amused. So I laid there in bed thinking about today and what it may entail. So, decided to blog about it.

Today there is a launch meeting to inform all my wonderful peeps who are willing to help me out with my current and upcoming needs thru a website. The website is called eHope.nu. Jeffrey Wood is the creator who has helped many families connect with one another in an easy to understand way. It takes a lot of the stress off of me to try and organize help. Exhausting! I am so lucky to have Jeffreys help and a good friend Liz as well. She will be the facilitator for the site.

So, I'm nervous and excited and hoping that the launch meeting goes well. I know it will be emotional and a bit overwhelming for me. I just hope it all works out for everyone.

I tend to rehearse my upcoming speeches and have been doing that a bit in my head this morning. I'm usually pretty good at speaking from the heart and not having a script. I'm hoping today is no exception. I panic sometimes that I'll forget to mention something.

I will trust that it will all work out just the way it is supposed to.

I am just so incredibly grateful for all the wonderful people who have signed up to help in some way that they are able to. Thank you very very much!!

I also had some fear emotions come up this morning.

I had this vision of me on this raft drifted out to sea. One day I was laying there in the sun enjoying the fish life around me. Dolphins came up to say hello. Whales flipped their tales at me. Lots of sea life to wonder at. I was so happy and appreciative of the moment. Then the next moment I'm on that same raft and its night time. Scary....then it starts to rain and I'm shivering cold. Alone in the dark, floating on the raft not knowing where I am or what's out there in the darkness.

That really describes how I can go from being positive one moment or day to feeling all alone and scared the next. I know I am not alone, not really. I have lots of people around me. I do live alone and when you have a major illness, it is my experience that you get the feeling that no one understands what you're going thru and can sometimes be scared of being near you. Its too uncomfortable for them, too emotional, too scary. So hence the feeling of being alone. In the quiet hours like this morning, when its still dark out. The quiet can be comforting or quite the opposite. No other human to talk to and discuss my bad dreams to. No one to smile at me and ask how I'm feeling.

I am lucky to have this blog and have people who take the time to read it.

Thank you for throwing your anchor out to me. Keeping in touch. Means the world.

I am trying to stay in the sun and watch all the magic around me. There are going to still be those cold dark nights. I just have faith that the sun will come back to my world soon.

Blessings to you all!

Picture is of my dear niece G. Dragonfly with raspberries on her fingers that I took. She makes me appreciate being alive. Thank you Miss G! xo