Fear and the hour glass image are in my head now. (yes, the one from the Wizard of OZ)
Nausea has been more prominent and the fatigue going along for the ride has made itself known and wants to increase in size too. It feels like someone suddenly throws a heavy blanket over me without me seeing it coming.
That in turn along with other anxieties has caused me to want to see people more and more and NOW!
Some people want to schedule visits..... then due to their busy lives they look at February and I just can't seem to go there yet. It seems too far away and out of reach right now. Part of me says that February may not come for me. I think it will, its just that it may not LOOK the same for me. What do I mean by that? Well, I'm afraid that by February I will be bed bound. Not be able to leave my apartment. Be nauseous all the time and tired all the time. Thats the fear I'm feeling now.
I want to schedule activities that I want to do that I fear I will not be able to do in a months time. Like for instance seeing my nieces and nephews. Going somewhere other than my small apartment to see them is somehow crucial to me right now. I'm seeing activities that I know I can't do in my apartment.
So in turn I may be stressing some people out by putting pressure on them to find a day SOON to see me or else it just won't happen!!
Sigh.......
It's the fear talking
But.....
What if the fear is justified? What if I am correct in thinking that by February I will be in the position I fear I will be? Do I have a right to ask, in an excited way, for a visit with my children relatives soon while I can? Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is? Maybe it isn't?
When fear comes up in me, it can come up as my little girl who wants to throw a tantrum and say "I demand you drop everything and make this happen because I am dying and so I trump anything else going on in YOUR life! " Damnit!!!.....had to add that part too....you can't have a tantrum without swearing just a little bit right? lol
But seriously......Where is it justified or acceptable to throw a tantrum and say "look, this is really important to me so move mountains to make this work, because if not it just won't EVER happen." ?
I really am not sure. This is why I write these questions out here to ponder.
Everyone has busy lives. I really DO understand. I don't have children and no, i don't understand that part at all. But I do understand that we create our busy lives by choice. There is ALWAYS a way to make your life less stressful if you look deep down and face those fears. Whether they be being honest with your immediate family and say you need help and make it happen, or be honest with yourself and say you "need" to control everything, but do you really? I ask myself these questions too. I certainly don't have all the answers. But I DO have questions.
My oncologist used to laugh at my list of questions I would write down and bring in with me at EVERY visit. I'm a question asker. Thats who I am. Also a truth-teller. It's a real thing, you can google it. :)
I just put these questions out there for you all to ponder as well.
Are you living the life YOU want to live and if not, why not? How can you make your life less stress-filled? It CAN be done. Honesty I believe is the key. Even if it hurts the ones around you, they will still love you. If not, then did they really love you in the first place?
Again, I"m not trying to play guru or someone who has all the answers. I have been thru a lot of different colored and different shaped experiences of this life. I do know what has worked and what had not worked for me.
I just want to share these thoughts with you all. You can choose to take some of the questions and ponder them or take none of them and think i'm nuts. Well, .....I am nuts...... but I like it that way. :)
So, for ME, I'm going to try and sit back a bit and ponder what the fear looks like now and how I can understand what it's trying to communicate with me.
One more fear and I'll sign off I promise....lol
I'm fearful that when I just sit back and NOT try to make appointments happen, that next thing you know I'm gone, dead, .......disappeared. Regrets then sink in.......
Maybe thats the biggest fear for me now?
What about you? What are your deepest fears?
I'm going to look at today as today and go have some yummy sushi with my dad and step mom. Today is Today.
2 comments:
Jenn, I think it is more than just fear that would prompt you to ask to spend time with people you aren't sure you'll have energy to spend time with later on. The time left on your journey in this lifetime is uncertain, and you just want to make sure you see those special people while you still can.
I hope you will be able to get that special time in soon. I suppose that if you are not able to get that time with everyone on your list, it may very well be that everything has happened perfectly for its own reasons.
That sounds kinda cliche I suppose. I mean, it is a real challenge to look at the things that may not go the way we hope they will in terms of "Well, it's for the best" or "That's the way it was meant to be for everyone's highest good".
I think that I am able to stay in that mindset maybe about 70% of the time. That means, of course, that the other 30% I may sit and glower and bemoan or just feel sad that my idea of how things should be, or what my needs may be aren't living up to expectations.
I think it is OK to wobble back and forth at times. It helps us sort out the things that are most important to our heart.
Your heart is whispering that it would love to spend time with special people. That is a gift to both yourself and the people you are thinking about. It means that the bond of love is there, and it's strong. Maybe it is not meant for you to reach everyone on your list in person...but perhaps that is exactly what Love is calling for. Whatever the question, Love is the answer.
Sending Love to you today, Jenn. Per your suggestion, I am spending some time in these quiet hours of the morning to think about my priorities. I want to live life more purposefully, and so I appreciate your reminder to think about what that really means to me.
Still happily on your cheering squad,
~ Val
Jenn:
I read this after commenting on the last piece you wrote today. All I can say is...All fears aside, HOORAY FOR TODAY!!! Let's dig into that sushi!
See you at around noon!
xox
Sue
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