Winter in Maine

January is a challenging month in Maine.

Winter is definitely upon us. If its not snowing its frigid cold temperatures.

The light is starting to come back but not fast enough for me. Combine all those things and more and it becomes tough.

Then lets add in the devastating situation in Haiti. I am trying not to watch the news too much. It is overwhelming. I tend to soak it all in and become a bit paralyzed with sadness and grief. I wish I was in a position to go help out somehow. I don't have any money to give and don't have the physical strength to do much. It's that helpless feeling.

It seems like most people I know are going through something....sickness, death, money problems....it goes on.

I'm going to have to move from my apartment soon. My living situation isn't good. I have a neighbor who is being very difficult and disrespectful to the point where I've had enough. I'm working on my 4th year here and have had to deal with her. For the most part I've been able to be friendly with her and tolerate her paranoia and hostility, but now she's directing it towards me. It's not a healthy environment for me in every way possible.

I am not sure how i'm going to afford to move or whether my landlord will let me out of my lease early etc....I've got to do something. The energy of my place isn't good anyway, and I need more light and space. Change could be good. Its just not the best time to be moving. Winter in Maine.

I'm also starting a writing class soon. It's more of a therapy-type-group. I have to pay a deductible towards it and do some volunteer work for the rest that my insurance won't cover. I'm sure I'll look back at this time and realize it was a good thing but right now I'm in the midst of the chaos and it feels very unhealthy.

I know there is so much I should be grateful for but it's hard to see that at the moment. I'm really trying to look at the positive.

Maybe I need to start playing the lottery?

Most days lately I wake up and wonder what the point is of my life. Why do things like Haiti and Sudan and so on and so forth, happen? Wrapping my head around it all is too much at times.

Deep breath......

My Horoscope today....

Let's get the worst-case scenario out into the open. You keep looking at some gloomy picture of how things could all go wrong, but you're not exploring this fully enough. You only get half way down the dark road and then, seeing something you feel you can't face, you scamper back to the safety of a tender hope. Finish that mental journey. Look the imaginary monster in the eye then force yourself to envisage going right on past it. A pleasing destination awaits you. Regardless of what happens, you have nothing to fear - but the worst is not going to happen. In fact, this week is due to be pleasing and liberating. (from Jon Cainer--astrologer in England)


More a bit later........

Bah Humbug!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted here.

I am doing my best to try and get into the holiday spirit and not having too much luck.

I really don't like the holidays too much. Growing up it was always stressful and not much has changed. I never have enough money to buy presents for people, no matter how crafty or economic I try to be. I love being able to buy gifts for the people I care for but when it feels "forced" then it gets all crazy.

I've never been a real crafty-type person. I've learned some skills over the years but never felt like I was that good at it and it didn't give me much joy. I told myself that "This year I'm going to make things for people!". Hasn't happened and its two weeks till Christmas.

It's not going to happen.

There have been some illnesses and death lately. That doesnt help either. November seems to always bring bad news.

My Osteopath that I see said that about 80 percent of her clients lately are not in the spirit either and she wished that we could have an alternate world where the people who didn't like the holidays could go and the people who DO like the holidays can go to another world. Sounds good to me.

I DO like some things about the holidays. Some of the Christmas movies are sweet and nostalgic. The good foods that are made at parties are fun. Some of the music is sweet. I especially love A Childs Christmas in Wales.

The overall emotion at this time of year is heavy and sad.

The commercials on t.v. remind me of things I don't have in my life. That special someone to share memories with. The inability to buy the gifts I want to buy for people. So on and so forth. It's all just so depressing and I look forward to December 26th. New Years Eve doesnt seem to bother me too much. Sure it would be nice to have someone to kiss at the stroke of Midnight but I am mostly o.k. with that. It passes pretty quick.

I know this post is un-festive and depressing.....but I figure I'm not alone. There are many people that are lonely this time of year.

I guess I'm one of them.

FALL ALREADY?

So, it's Fall now....feels like Winter with the unusually low temps. Supposed to get back up to normal next week. I'm just not ready. Short Summer, short Fall....I want to fall to the ground and throw a huge tantrum about it!

I am now 40 years old. My mom said that now she can't say she has any children in their 30's anymore. My brother is 6 years older. She does have step children in their 30's.

I have mixed feelings about being 40. Mostly I feel it's just a number and I'm glad I am not in my 20's anymore. The 30's were pretty rough, so mostly I'm looking forward to the 40's. However.....looking at where I'm at in my life it can also be depressing at times.

I spoke with one woman about it the other day and she said that when she hit 40 she thought to herself that finally she can just settle in and relax. She had her marriage and children plus career and now could feel she's entitled to not strive for something more. Just be.

For me? Well, I'm still striving for something and someone.

Not married, no children, no boyfriend. No career. hmmm....a bit depressing huh?

I know that just because one is married with children doesn't mean all is blissfully right in their world. I recognize that some marriages are very challenging and exhausting and some career choices aren't all wonderful too.

The grass is always greener right?

I would just like to look back at my life and be o.k. with what I've accomplished. Ummmm, not so much.

I'm still here and still searching. Maybe my 40's will be full of happy surprises?

Fingers crossed.

Been A Long Time

I have that Led Zeppelin song in my head now...

So, I don't know if anyone is even checking my blog anymore but thought I'd write anyway.

There has been a lot going on but for some reason I haven't felt inspired to talk about it.

There has been camping at music festivals, visiting with friends and family and mostly just trying to stay afloat.

Major computer issues that have mostly been fixed, put me into a panic state for a while.

How can one feel pretty good one minute then something seemingly insignificant happens and all hell breaks loose?

I know of a couple of people who are having a really rough time in treatment. It's hard to witness and not be able to fix or help in some way. All I can offer is an ear.

When I was in treatment that was mostly what helped me the most. Someone to just listen. Not fix or judge, just listen.

I met a new survivor the other day. She's young. I'm guessing in her 20's. I gave her my email. She expressed that her "buddy" isn't really compatible with her. I'm really hoping she contacts me and I can be of some help. She had just had her first chemo and her energy and expression reminded me of ME when I was in the beginning of the cancer journey. Its a bit like a deer in headlights. You go through the motions and sometimes it feels like sleep walking through a nightmare.

I would love to be more social but it's hard when I feel I don't have much positive to say and not much to tell people of what I've been up to. So, why put myself in that uncomfortable situation?

I'm working on my inner self now and that's not always acceptable in our society. Its a lot of "what do you do?'s" and "what have you been up to?"'s.

Since I'm not currently in treatment I think its' hard for some people to understand why i'm not working now.

One woman whom I haven't seen in months and months, who also went through cancer treatment said to me..."I wish I didn't have to work". (strong emphasis on the I), A bit sarcastic and judgmental. I wish I could explain to her that it's not a walk in the park. I am not just sitting around and doing nothing. Not having fun or living it up. No.

I had an interesting experience with a baby Ram the other day. I used my massage therapy skills and gave him a neck and face massage while visiting him at this farm I camped out at. He was so blissed out he almost fell over. His eyes closed to slits, head falling to one side, smile on his face. What a great experience to have. So sweet. I wish he lived closer so I could visit him again soon. Animal therapy can be so powerful. Animals are so responsive and open to love.

Just put one foot in front of the other......

Four Leaf Clovers

I was waiting for the bus today in the shade of a tree, it's very hot out today...and I noticed a huge patch of clovers.

Do you remember looking for four leaf clovers when you were young? Or maybe you still do? I started looking for them but lost patience and my bus arrived. There are hundreds of clovers in those bunches they grow in. When I was younger I would spend a good deal of time trying to find one. I was very determined.

I never did find one. I saw someones' once and was very jealous.

It reminds me of lucky charms. I also had a rabbits foot when I was a wee child. It was one of those that was on a key chain and was dyed some horrible color like electric blue or pink. Maybe the dye was to make it fun looking and take away the reality that you are holding a poor rabbits limb? Who knows. Who started that idea anyway?

Did someone one day say... "Hey, I bet if you cut off a rabbits foot and carry it around with you, you'll have good luck!" Hmmmmm....

What other so called lucky charms are out there I wonder?

There's the horse shoe over the doorway, Bridgets Cross over a doorway as well, and many others.

I could really use some luck right now, so I'm keeping my eyes open for that four leaf clover.

Hospice

I want to volunteer for Hospice. There is a Hospice Home about 20 minutes from me. I saw it when I was there for a meeting with the Cancer Buddys from the Cancer Community Center not long ago. The Home is almost 2 years old, very nice.

I got some volunteer information, such as there is a 40 hour training program required before you can start. I also got the volunteer coordinators' name and number.

I have been witness to two deaths. My good friends' mom from England, died while I was giving Reiki to her. It was a powerful experience for me. The other passing was from another of my good friends' mom. I arrived at about an hour after she passed.

Some people can look at Hospice Care as being too depressing but I see it differently.

Why is it that a birth of someone is more celebrated than a death? Other cultures celebrate a persons' life instead of being all sad and hidden. Look at New Orleans. People will parade down a street and play instruments. I'd love to have that kind of funeral procession.

Unfortunately the volunteer coordinator left a message saying the next training is full. That's in September. The next training session isn't until next Spring.

I will try to get on a waiting list. I suppose it's a really good thing that there are lots of people wanting to be involved with Hospice Care. At least there aren't a lack of volunteers