2013

Well, I made it to 2013! Yay!

I don't know how ya'll feel about the holidays but I am SOOOOO happy they are over! My body feels so much more relaxed and calm. I could feel the anxiety all around me before Christmas got here and it was not a good feeling

Most of the gifts I bought are given, some people I haven't seen yet.

I will take down my little Charlie Brown tree tomorrow morning. Maybe with the film crew shooting it.

Today was a rough day due to being exhausted! My nurse and I were discussing what the cause may be and I think it is due to the last two days being emotionally charged and full.

Yesterday I spent about 3 hours at my mom and stepdads house to have our "Christmas Dinner" that we couldn't have due to illness etc... It was really yummy! I got to have my sweet potato pudding. :) Part of it was filmed. I got some wonderful presents and gave them a present I hope they like. I also got to play with little Oscar the Wild kitten, he's grown since I've seen him. He's still wild, for sure, but cute as can be.

Monday was the anniversary of my friend Dans' moms' death. Also I met with my good friend Nancy and my Hospice Social Worker Annie for a mediated meeting. Nancy and I hit a bump in the road and needed to get some "stuff" out. It was all filmed too, yikes! I bet they won't use any of it anyway. I'm not even sure this film is really going to happen. The film makers will let me know next week if they are still wanting to be on board with this project or not.

I think any relationship, be it with film makers, friends, lovers, family can be tough at times. Especially when there is a major illness involved and then add a big holiday and miscommunication and BAM! You have yourself a recipe for an explosion of emotions.

I ALWAYS have felt better when the issue or issues are communicated. Even if my feelings are hurt, for ME, I want to know how the person feels and not have to try and guess. I drive myself nuts trying to fill in the blanks of how someone is feeling. Then I get myself into trouble by creating scenarios that aren't even based in reality.

Funny how the brain can trick us sometimes. Or maybe it's just us tricking us?

Oh, I don't know and don't claim to really know what I'm talking about, I just speak my truth at the moment I'm expressing it and hope it makes some sort of sense. :)

People are asking each other what their New Years resolutions will be. "What is your wish Jenn?"
Well, one guess what that wish would be.....

I like to look at the resolution part as a spring cleaning of my life. I look around at where I'm at and see what improvements can be made and go from there. I'm not one to put pressure on myself, at least not where this is concerned. I did the whole buy the gym pass in January thing and use it only 4 times, but still paid for it monthly hoping I would go back....thing.....doesn't work.

Now I'm in a whole other dimension of living, it feels like that anyway. I wish I could go back to Zumba class and go walking around town or what have you. Nope.

My muscles are definitely atrophying a bit. I do some stretches at home but lately it has been challenging to do too much.

Ok, so i'm rambling, sorry folks.....I'll end by saying I hope you all have a year full of love, laughter, joy and allowing yourself to indulge in whatever makes you happy once in a while., because you just never know what the next day will bring you.

Peace

Physical Issues and Re-evaluating

Hi ya'll!

Ok, so I don't know about you all but I'm really glad Christmas is over. My body sighed a
big sigh of relief.

Even my osteopath yesterday said my nervous system is so much calmer than the week before when
I had seen her.

I ended up being alone for Christmas Eve which was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be emotionally.

I cried and cried for most of the morning and then distracted myself with organizational activities. I started with going thru some old photo albums and pulled out pics I thought some family and friends would want. In my experience after someone dies, its hard to go thru ALL of someones things. Most of the time things just get thrown out, given to charity or put into storage possibly to never be seen again. I wanted to make sure certain things are given to people who I want to have those things.

It was odd but also felt good to do. I feel I still have some control over some things. Even if they are small and seemingly inconsequential.

I remember when my boyfriend Stuart died in 1999. He was from England and when I went over there for the first time, I met with some of his family and friends. I wanted to get some pictures and especially wanted to find a letter that Stuart said he wrote to me, the only hand written (i'm assuming) letter he ever wrote me. I wanted it! His family was still heavily grieving and didn't want to go thru any of his things. I was really upset and disappointed. Now I realize that it was just too painful for them to even look at anything related to him. And now I also realize, they are just things. I do wonder what the letter said however.

So, I'm determined to get most of my personal items, including pictures, to people whom I think would appreciate them. My friend Nancy is having a hard time with me giving her things, so I've stopped doing that with her.

I understand that everyone is different in how they deal with things. I like to be open and honest and REAL. Some people cannot go there. Its too painful and upsetting. I believe that if you wait too long to tell someone something important, that it could never happen, and most likely not in the WAY you would have liked the information to be shared.

My body is now telling me that things are moving along in a downward direction and I seem to be having less time during the day where I can go out and take part in activities. I get out of breath easy and the pain is increasing. Even talking while relaxing takes so much energy I never realized.

My hospice nurse thinks I'm under-medicated but I just don't want to go into a catatonic state from being drugged up too much. I want to stay as present as much as possible for as long as possible. Today was and is still a challenge. Pain is harder to deal with and nausea is getting worse. I'm going to try a new med tomorrow to hopefully help with the nausea. So on and so forth......

The one thing that's really bugging me is the full body sweats. YUCK! It seems like every hour I have at least one. Imagine walking into a sauna fully clothed and hanging out for about 5 minutes until you are almost soaked thru. I go thru that several times a day. It doesn't make a girl feel very fresh. I have a handkerchief by my side to regularly wipe my brow and face off as sweat accumulates. Sounds inviting doesn't it? :)

Good news is that the documentary has officially started! On Christmas morning the director of the film came over to interview me and get me used to the camera. I cried and cried and talked a bit too much actually. LOL. I will meet with her and her cinematographer (who happens to be her boyfriend too) next Sunday. We'll talk about all of our visions for the film and I'll put up some guidelines and concerns and ideas as well.

I'd like to stay on topic and not venture off too much if I can help it. I feel like sometimes I've lived several lives and have LOTS of stories to share. I try to keep reminding myself that there is a reason we are doing this film. Its not a biography, not really.

So, I'm going to lie down now. Pain is increasing once again.....sigh....

I hope you all had a lovely holiday and a safe and joy-filled New Year....

Till next time my peeps!

Merry Merry

Happy Yule, Merry Christmas......Happy Chanukah and Happy Holidays to you all!

Thoughts......

Hi ya'll

I have a lot of things on my mind and thought I'd write a bit tonight.

My last post caused some anger. That was not my intention but I understand why to a point.

I'm sad.

I know now that I should prepare for more disagreement about my beliefs.

This country is supposed to be about accepting ALL people no matter their religion or race.

What happened to change all that? I feel like it's related to what is happening with my belief. Opinions. Separation of Church and State. Also, compassion for our fellow human beings. Do you really think Jesus would want us to suffer so much at our death? I don't believe it. I don't believe God or Goddess or Buddha or Allah, or ......etc...etc.....believe we need to suffer when we die. Sure some discomfort and sometimes not painful at death but to suffer for months at end with no functions? A body just slowly wasting away? No, don't believe that is true. I believe in a compassionate Universal Energy/Life Force. We don't let our pets suffer but we will let our fellow human beings/family suffer? Don't agree.

I'm sad also because my friend Dan had to go to a hotel room due to being sick. We're hoping that I didn't already catch what he has. I'm trying not to worry too much and focus on the positive.

Clarification as well......

I want to let you all know that I do NOT have a plan to end my life early. There isn't a law to allow me to where I live. The documentary would hopefully help pass the law in my state and in other states.

The idea that me, little ole me, could have an affect in that way is so humbling. Wow! I almost started crying today when I met with a couple who make wonderful films together. They were complimenting me so much it was hard to hear. Maybe I find it foreign? The focus is on ME. Thats intense.

So, lately I'm filled with sadness, grief over things I'm unable to do lately, anger, gratitude, love, joy, ....quite a mix.

I think the holidays are just hard all around, so maybe thats why the roller coaster of emotions is in motion.

I will be glad to have the holidays behind me, mostly. Quiet visiting time, inward time, Kapha time, ....when everything is going into hibernation or dying. Thats my speed right now. Slow.

I would love to read some comments to know who is reading this. Hint, hint, hint.....

Peace and Love

:)

Documentary

Hi ya'll

Busy busy busy time of year huh? WOW! I have been wanting to write sooner but too much running around has exhausted me.

I finally took a day off. My dear friend Dan is here from England and he's currently sleeping. Jet lag is rough sometimes.

I have been bubbling with excitement about a possible documentary that may be born soon!

I watched a documentary called "How to Die in Oregon" that really moved me, touched a deep place. I was also very fired up and wanting to get involved in some way if at all possible. I sent out an email to lots of peeps I know asking if they knew of any local Doc Film makers who I could speak with.....

So, right away I got two names. I have met with one woman and her boyfriend who does some of the cinematography and they are wonderful! I will also meet with another woman film maker and her husband who is also a cinematographer on Thursday. I will have to make a tough decision this coming weekend. I'm sure sitting with the choice and meditating on it, will bring me to the right decision for me and this project.

Whats the project you ask?

Well, let me tell you. :)

The documentary I mentioned above is mainly focused on the law that was passed in Oregon in 1994 called the "Death with Dignity Act". Basically the film showed a few people who mostly decided to use the law to their favor. There is one woman whom I especially related to in some ways. She was in her 50's, with a husband and two children. She had fought for her life earlier and was in a coma for a bit, was in severe pain, did all the treatment suggested and so forth. Then later on her cancer came back. She decided, as I did, to not go thru all that chemo and other drugs again. The percentage of remission was so small and so forth.

So, what the law states if I am just learning from the film, don't quote me, is that a local company/organization/group comes to your house, does a bunch of interviews, signs papers, sees if the person even qualifies and so forth. Then after that, a doctor will write a prescription for some drugs that when mixed with water and drunk, the person will go into a sort of coma and then drift away and die. The organization also comes into the home right before the drugs are taken and the person is asked once again if this is the choice they want to make and that they don't have to etc....

The person who wants to drink the drink, does so themselves. Its not a Kevorkian method where the doctor injects the person.

There is currently no law in the state of Maine to allow this humane (in my opinion) process to occur legally. Infuriates me!

We will allow our pets and other animals get "put down" to put them out of their misery and so forth, but we can't allow humans to make the same choice for themselves? Suffering and horrible quality of life is a huge issue that needs to be out there more.

Thats where I come in.

So far it seems both film makers I will meet with, agree that there is a story here. Filming me at my young-ish age, :), going thru what I am and how already my quality of life is going down hill. I certainly would NOT take the drink now. I feel I have pretty good quality of life and am not ready to go yet.

I am grieving the activities I am not able to do anymore and thats been challenging to accept.

I can't get/buy anything out in the world without someone elses' help. I can't walk around the block without being extremely out of breath etc.... you get the idea. But still I'm not suffering too much and can still do plenty.

I want to show the "other side" of the story to people, and show them why I would want this law passed. Maybe interviews with my family and friends would show people that this affects everyone who is involved in my life, in some way.

I will stop here, I know its getting to be a novel, lol.....

I will update you all on what decision I come to and what is next. We could start filming next week!
Yikes!! Exciting and scary all at once.!

But maybe, just maybe.....my story can help others in the future....wow! ! That would make me smile from the other side with so much JOY!!

Blessings to all of you and remember to love one another

Choices Choices Choices

Last night I was able to make it to an event that only happens once a year called "Ocean of OM".

It was so wonderful!! My friend Nancy came over beforehand and did quite a few things for me and then helped me get to the event. I wasn't sure I could make it. Evenings are challenging for me now.

So, what is ocean of OM you ask? Well, I'll tell you. :P

About 30-40? people were there in a yoga studio chanting OM in rounds for an hour while a digeridoo,  gongs and singing bowls, drums and chimes were played around us. Ahhhhhhh.......the energy was beautiful and calming. My friend Nancy said she thought it sounded sad. Every person probably had their own interpretation of it. I laid down for most of it and tried to OM a bit. My voice was almost gone. Laying there felt like I was on a wave of sound, cradling me and waves would lift me up and place me back down again.

Healing

It is so hard to choose what to do each day and esp each weekend. There is SO much going on as you all probably are experiencing the same thing. There are concerts, craft fairs, parties, events.....happening all at once it seems. Choices have to be made.

Yesterday my brother Jason had a music concert he was a part of that I had to miss. So sad....

Today is a special event where the kids of families create the manger scene in a barn outside with real animals etc... My nieces and nephews (some of them) are in it. I just can't do it.

I really want to go to my favorite craft fair that is happening today. Last year I got about 5 presents there. Its local artists and craftspeople which I love to support. I saw the ad for it saying its Indie Art. Thats a good way of putting it. It really is.

I'm just not sure I should go. Its usually a mad house and loud and you feel like cattle being herded thru stalls. Not a lot of room to stop and check things out.

So, I'm not sure what to do.

Its bad enough to have cancer but then to have a cold on top of it somehow feels cruel.

sigh.....what to do what to do?

I'm going to sit and meditate on it and see what answer or feeling I get around today.

Day to day is what I have to do now. Hard to plan anything. My new life.

I hope you all can find beautiful moments within all the noise of this season.

Blessings to you all!

The LASTS

Hi ya'll!

I had meant to post much sooner than this. I hope there are still some readers out there. :)

So, whats' been happening with you all?

I had a lovely Thanksgiving with my mom, stepdad, brother and his two boys. My mom made a healthy not too overwhelming yummy meal. One thing that I love she made even though she can't eat it due to her allergies. She must love me huh? Sweet Potato Pudding. Yum!!

I got to spend a little alone time with my oldest nephew and that was so special to me. I gave him some pics of him when he was a baby in NYC. He had a smile from ear to ear looking at them. Made me so happy. His little brother is getting a lot of attention lately due to being diagnosed with Aspergers. I wanted so much to let my oldest nephew know that he is special too and that I see him. Really see him.

Its hard to think about how that was my last T-giving, my last birthday in October, now my last Christmas and New Years. I'm tired of the "lasts".

I really DO try to focus on being in the moment and not trying to make anything super special just because it may be my last whatever. I think if one forces things to happen, they really don't come out the way that you planned. Sometimes the most magical moments happen when you least expect it. I just try to stay open to receiving them and letting them happen.

Example.....
Last Sunday I was in NH visiting my dearest Nancy for the weekend, and we had brunch with a bunch of wonderful ladies I hadn't seen in quite some time. One of those ladies is a bit older than me and very "tuned-in". What do I mean by tuned in? Well, she is a person who seems to be sensitive to energies around her including spirits who have passed. She also communicates with animals. She makes extraordinary jewelry as well. We were all saying our goodbyes in the restaurant and she hugged me and started singing in my ear. "All will be well.....etc...." and when I looked at her she kept singing and I just started crying. In the restaurant. At first I was self conscious and wanted to stop it all, but then I quickly thought....no, I am going to let this happen however its meant to happen. I ended up releasing tears that needed to come out. Didn't matter that we were in public. It was a special moment I won't forget.

Ok, so now to the yucky part....whats going on with me physically?

After I got back from my weekend away, Monday morning I felt like someone had ran over me with a truck. Ok, I exaggerate a bit. But wow, it was extreme pain. I couldn't seem to get rid of it. No matter what I did. By the time I was getting ready for bed I started to feel a bit better.

I woke up Tuesday and the pain was definitely less. But....I got a cold. Damn!

I am pretty sure its just a simple cold and will be gone in no time. My fear is it will travel to my lungs and so forth....I'm going to focus on it going away. I'm taking all kinds of things (natural) to help move it along. Fingers crossed.

I was told by my hospice nurse that if I have a lot going on one day that I may need to recover for a day or two. Now I get what she was talking about. WOW-ser!

I really thought I was taking it somewhat easy in NH but apparently not. I got to play with a seven week old puppy and that was so much fun and a bit exhausting but worth it. I love being at Nancys little red cottage in the woods. She has a wood stove and on Saturday it was snowing, so we sat by the warmth and watched the snow fall. So wonderful.

Again.....I wonder if its the last time I will be there. I hope not.

So, my message today is so cliche' but so true. If you can somehow imagine that this may be the last time you get to do something that you love, then take it ALL in, drink it in fully. Appreciating the moments as they unfold before you.

Blessed Be to All!