Acceptance and Gratitude

Hi Ya'll

I have been on an up and down roller coaster since my last post. Wow!

Christmas dinner was lovely, even if it was on New Years Day, due to my poor mom who
had the flu and couldn't be around me due to my compromised immune system.

It can be a lonely place, to feel like the girl in the plastic bubble. Everyone tiptoeing around me, wondering what to say or what not to say.

I have made some mistakes, ......hell, lots of them. LOL

I am on an unfamiliar journey. At least I don't consciously remember going thru the death process before this life time. I'm bound to make some mistakes, hurt peoples' feelings. Its par for the course.

I got home from a wonderful support group at the Cancer Community Center a little while ago.

The people there in the group are all so special. I try not to use Brave and Courageous, even though its the truth. I want to say that they are all so "present" to their own journeys. They are living WITH cancer. Every day they are experiencing something new that involves cancer. A new pain, a new symptom, a new diagnosis, a new treatment option. Or the waiting game. Waiting for results to come in. Waiting for hope that this next treatment or clinical trial will be the one that will cure them!! Waiting.....

Aren't we ALL waiting to die in some sense? We're all going to die some day.

Having a major illness is something that people who do not have it, can't even begin to understand what it's like. Thats why I am so grateful for this group and for the center in general. A place where people can go and feel like they don't have to put on the "face". Be comfortable and take off the wig or show your scars without judgment.

Its an understanding. People nodding their heads as I speak of something they can relate to. Its so comforting and validating to have that kind of support.

I'm trying to learn acceptance now. I've mentioned that before.

Well, I"m still workin' on it. :)

The nausea is getting worse the last few days. I made it an hour and a half with a friend of mine yesterday, before I had to head home due to feeling awful and exhausted.

I was able to make it to group today but again, I'm worn out.

Acceptance.

Maybe, as a woman today said to me, I am here for some purpose I don't yet know about?

Have you noticed the trees out your window today? It's windy here today and they are blowing around, like a dance. Beautiful!

It's the seemingly small things that make me smile the most lately.

More later.....stay tuned :)

Simple Things?

Hi ya'll

This morning I woke up to find 14 mourning doves in the tree out my window. A light snow falling. Beautiful! I feed the birds on my little window ledge. Only about 4 doves can fit at a time. The others wait their turn. Stewie is also watching from below, hoping I will open the window for him to jump up and grab one of them. Not gonna happen Stewie. LOL

I wanted to blog about a few things, I'll start with one and see how long I blather on.

There are certain things that I'm sure everyone does at the beginning of a new year. Like turn your calendar over or put up a new one. Start to write 2013 on checks and papers etc....

Well, I always get a new planner and then take my old one, go thru it from the beginning of last year, and write down in my new calendar, all the birthdays, anniversaries, including death anniversaries, and important dates to remember,...all go in my new planner.

Seems pretty simple and boring right?

Well, I thought so too until I started to do so this year.

I got to about April/May and then thought to myself...."I don't know why I'm doing this?, I'm not going to be here by then." I keep adding dates anyway. Then I get to June and start reading how I found out about the cancer coming back. How it all started. What my days looked like then. All the tests scheduled to see what was going on. We first thought it was just pneumonia. Which of course isn't a picnic and can be deadly, don't get me wrong. I just didn't think it was the cancer coming back.

So, I then get to October, my birthday month and all these emotions start to come up. I keep adding the dates anyway. I laugh and think that maybe my friend Nancy can have my planner and she can add the birthdays that maybe she forgets about or anniversary dates etc..... So, I write a little smiley face here and there imagining her coming across them later on after I"m gone and laughing. Or.....

I made it all the way to December of 2013. I like to finish a project when I start one, but this one was tricky. I didn't see that one coming. The emotions that could come from such a simple act as adding birthdays to a calendar.

You just never know.

2013

Well, I made it to 2013! Yay!

I don't know how ya'll feel about the holidays but I am SOOOOO happy they are over! My body feels so much more relaxed and calm. I could feel the anxiety all around me before Christmas got here and it was not a good feeling

Most of the gifts I bought are given, some people I haven't seen yet.

I will take down my little Charlie Brown tree tomorrow morning. Maybe with the film crew shooting it.

Today was a rough day due to being exhausted! My nurse and I were discussing what the cause may be and I think it is due to the last two days being emotionally charged and full.

Yesterday I spent about 3 hours at my mom and stepdads house to have our "Christmas Dinner" that we couldn't have due to illness etc... It was really yummy! I got to have my sweet potato pudding. :) Part of it was filmed. I got some wonderful presents and gave them a present I hope they like. I also got to play with little Oscar the Wild kitten, he's grown since I've seen him. He's still wild, for sure, but cute as can be.

Monday was the anniversary of my friend Dans' moms' death. Also I met with my good friend Nancy and my Hospice Social Worker Annie for a mediated meeting. Nancy and I hit a bump in the road and needed to get some "stuff" out. It was all filmed too, yikes! I bet they won't use any of it anyway. I'm not even sure this film is really going to happen. The film makers will let me know next week if they are still wanting to be on board with this project or not.

I think any relationship, be it with film makers, friends, lovers, family can be tough at times. Especially when there is a major illness involved and then add a big holiday and miscommunication and BAM! You have yourself a recipe for an explosion of emotions.

I ALWAYS have felt better when the issue or issues are communicated. Even if my feelings are hurt, for ME, I want to know how the person feels and not have to try and guess. I drive myself nuts trying to fill in the blanks of how someone is feeling. Then I get myself into trouble by creating scenarios that aren't even based in reality.

Funny how the brain can trick us sometimes. Or maybe it's just us tricking us?

Oh, I don't know and don't claim to really know what I'm talking about, I just speak my truth at the moment I'm expressing it and hope it makes some sort of sense. :)

People are asking each other what their New Years resolutions will be. "What is your wish Jenn?"
Well, one guess what that wish would be.....

I like to look at the resolution part as a spring cleaning of my life. I look around at where I'm at and see what improvements can be made and go from there. I'm not one to put pressure on myself, at least not where this is concerned. I did the whole buy the gym pass in January thing and use it only 4 times, but still paid for it monthly hoping I would go back....thing.....doesn't work.

Now I'm in a whole other dimension of living, it feels like that anyway. I wish I could go back to Zumba class and go walking around town or what have you. Nope.

My muscles are definitely atrophying a bit. I do some stretches at home but lately it has been challenging to do too much.

Ok, so i'm rambling, sorry folks.....I'll end by saying I hope you all have a year full of love, laughter, joy and allowing yourself to indulge in whatever makes you happy once in a while., because you just never know what the next day will bring you.

Peace

Physical Issues and Re-evaluating

Hi ya'll!

Ok, so I don't know about you all but I'm really glad Christmas is over. My body sighed a
big sigh of relief.

Even my osteopath yesterday said my nervous system is so much calmer than the week before when
I had seen her.

I ended up being alone for Christmas Eve which was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be emotionally.

I cried and cried for most of the morning and then distracted myself with organizational activities. I started with going thru some old photo albums and pulled out pics I thought some family and friends would want. In my experience after someone dies, its hard to go thru ALL of someones things. Most of the time things just get thrown out, given to charity or put into storage possibly to never be seen again. I wanted to make sure certain things are given to people who I want to have those things.

It was odd but also felt good to do. I feel I still have some control over some things. Even if they are small and seemingly inconsequential.

I remember when my boyfriend Stuart died in 1999. He was from England and when I went over there for the first time, I met with some of his family and friends. I wanted to get some pictures and especially wanted to find a letter that Stuart said he wrote to me, the only hand written (i'm assuming) letter he ever wrote me. I wanted it! His family was still heavily grieving and didn't want to go thru any of his things. I was really upset and disappointed. Now I realize that it was just too painful for them to even look at anything related to him. And now I also realize, they are just things. I do wonder what the letter said however.

So, I'm determined to get most of my personal items, including pictures, to people whom I think would appreciate them. My friend Nancy is having a hard time with me giving her things, so I've stopped doing that with her.

I understand that everyone is different in how they deal with things. I like to be open and honest and REAL. Some people cannot go there. Its too painful and upsetting. I believe that if you wait too long to tell someone something important, that it could never happen, and most likely not in the WAY you would have liked the information to be shared.

My body is now telling me that things are moving along in a downward direction and I seem to be having less time during the day where I can go out and take part in activities. I get out of breath easy and the pain is increasing. Even talking while relaxing takes so much energy I never realized.

My hospice nurse thinks I'm under-medicated but I just don't want to go into a catatonic state from being drugged up too much. I want to stay as present as much as possible for as long as possible. Today was and is still a challenge. Pain is harder to deal with and nausea is getting worse. I'm going to try a new med tomorrow to hopefully help with the nausea. So on and so forth......

The one thing that's really bugging me is the full body sweats. YUCK! It seems like every hour I have at least one. Imagine walking into a sauna fully clothed and hanging out for about 5 minutes until you are almost soaked thru. I go thru that several times a day. It doesn't make a girl feel very fresh. I have a handkerchief by my side to regularly wipe my brow and face off as sweat accumulates. Sounds inviting doesn't it? :)

Good news is that the documentary has officially started! On Christmas morning the director of the film came over to interview me and get me used to the camera. I cried and cried and talked a bit too much actually. LOL. I will meet with her and her cinematographer (who happens to be her boyfriend too) next Sunday. We'll talk about all of our visions for the film and I'll put up some guidelines and concerns and ideas as well.

I'd like to stay on topic and not venture off too much if I can help it. I feel like sometimes I've lived several lives and have LOTS of stories to share. I try to keep reminding myself that there is a reason we are doing this film. Its not a biography, not really.

So, I'm going to lie down now. Pain is increasing once again.....sigh....

I hope you all had a lovely holiday and a safe and joy-filled New Year....

Till next time my peeps!

Merry Merry

Happy Yule, Merry Christmas......Happy Chanukah and Happy Holidays to you all!

Thoughts......

Hi ya'll

I have a lot of things on my mind and thought I'd write a bit tonight.

My last post caused some anger. That was not my intention but I understand why to a point.

I'm sad.

I know now that I should prepare for more disagreement about my beliefs.

This country is supposed to be about accepting ALL people no matter their religion or race.

What happened to change all that? I feel like it's related to what is happening with my belief. Opinions. Separation of Church and State. Also, compassion for our fellow human beings. Do you really think Jesus would want us to suffer so much at our death? I don't believe it. I don't believe God or Goddess or Buddha or Allah, or ......etc...etc.....believe we need to suffer when we die. Sure some discomfort and sometimes not painful at death but to suffer for months at end with no functions? A body just slowly wasting away? No, don't believe that is true. I believe in a compassionate Universal Energy/Life Force. We don't let our pets suffer but we will let our fellow human beings/family suffer? Don't agree.

I'm sad also because my friend Dan had to go to a hotel room due to being sick. We're hoping that I didn't already catch what he has. I'm trying not to worry too much and focus on the positive.

Clarification as well......

I want to let you all know that I do NOT have a plan to end my life early. There isn't a law to allow me to where I live. The documentary would hopefully help pass the law in my state and in other states.

The idea that me, little ole me, could have an affect in that way is so humbling. Wow! I almost started crying today when I met with a couple who make wonderful films together. They were complimenting me so much it was hard to hear. Maybe I find it foreign? The focus is on ME. Thats intense.

So, lately I'm filled with sadness, grief over things I'm unable to do lately, anger, gratitude, love, joy, ....quite a mix.

I think the holidays are just hard all around, so maybe thats why the roller coaster of emotions is in motion.

I will be glad to have the holidays behind me, mostly. Quiet visiting time, inward time, Kapha time, ....when everything is going into hibernation or dying. Thats my speed right now. Slow.

I would love to read some comments to know who is reading this. Hint, hint, hint.....

Peace and Love

:)

Documentary

Hi ya'll

Busy busy busy time of year huh? WOW! I have been wanting to write sooner but too much running around has exhausted me.

I finally took a day off. My dear friend Dan is here from England and he's currently sleeping. Jet lag is rough sometimes.

I have been bubbling with excitement about a possible documentary that may be born soon!

I watched a documentary called "How to Die in Oregon" that really moved me, touched a deep place. I was also very fired up and wanting to get involved in some way if at all possible. I sent out an email to lots of peeps I know asking if they knew of any local Doc Film makers who I could speak with.....

So, right away I got two names. I have met with one woman and her boyfriend who does some of the cinematography and they are wonderful! I will also meet with another woman film maker and her husband who is also a cinematographer on Thursday. I will have to make a tough decision this coming weekend. I'm sure sitting with the choice and meditating on it, will bring me to the right decision for me and this project.

Whats the project you ask?

Well, let me tell you. :)

The documentary I mentioned above is mainly focused on the law that was passed in Oregon in 1994 called the "Death with Dignity Act". Basically the film showed a few people who mostly decided to use the law to their favor. There is one woman whom I especially related to in some ways. She was in her 50's, with a husband and two children. She had fought for her life earlier and was in a coma for a bit, was in severe pain, did all the treatment suggested and so forth. Then later on her cancer came back. She decided, as I did, to not go thru all that chemo and other drugs again. The percentage of remission was so small and so forth.

So, what the law states if I am just learning from the film, don't quote me, is that a local company/organization/group comes to your house, does a bunch of interviews, signs papers, sees if the person even qualifies and so forth. Then after that, a doctor will write a prescription for some drugs that when mixed with water and drunk, the person will go into a sort of coma and then drift away and die. The organization also comes into the home right before the drugs are taken and the person is asked once again if this is the choice they want to make and that they don't have to etc....

The person who wants to drink the drink, does so themselves. Its not a Kevorkian method where the doctor injects the person.

There is currently no law in the state of Maine to allow this humane (in my opinion) process to occur legally. Infuriates me!

We will allow our pets and other animals get "put down" to put them out of their misery and so forth, but we can't allow humans to make the same choice for themselves? Suffering and horrible quality of life is a huge issue that needs to be out there more.

Thats where I come in.

So far it seems both film makers I will meet with, agree that there is a story here. Filming me at my young-ish age, :), going thru what I am and how already my quality of life is going down hill. I certainly would NOT take the drink now. I feel I have pretty good quality of life and am not ready to go yet.

I am grieving the activities I am not able to do anymore and thats been challenging to accept.

I can't get/buy anything out in the world without someone elses' help. I can't walk around the block without being extremely out of breath etc.... you get the idea. But still I'm not suffering too much and can still do plenty.

I want to show the "other side" of the story to people, and show them why I would want this law passed. Maybe interviews with my family and friends would show people that this affects everyone who is involved in my life, in some way.

I will stop here, I know its getting to be a novel, lol.....

I will update you all on what decision I come to and what is next. We could start filming next week!
Yikes!! Exciting and scary all at once.!

But maybe, just maybe.....my story can help others in the future....wow! ! That would make me smile from the other side with so much JOY!!

Blessings to all of you and remember to love one another