Thoughts on a foggy morning

It's around 7:30am on a foggy Saturday morning. I am awake, why?! Well, lots of thoughts in my head and my body seems to want me to get up around this time every morning and take some medication to help with the pain and so forth. My cat Stewie also paws my face to feed him. He IS after all the male of the house hold and demands his breakfast. He hasn't gotten the memo yet that being male does not mean he rules this house. lol....what we cat lovers do for our cats huh? I do love him so.

Fear and the hour glass image are in my head now. (yes, the one from the Wizard of OZ)

Nausea has been more prominent and the fatigue going along for the ride has made itself known and wants to increase in size too. It feels like someone suddenly throws a heavy blanket over me without me seeing it coming.

That in turn along with other anxieties has caused me to want to see people more and more and NOW!

Some people want to schedule visits..... then due to their busy lives they look at February and I just can't seem to go there yet. It seems too far away and out of reach right now. Part of me says that February may not come for me. I think it will, its just that it may not LOOK the same for me. What do I mean by that? Well, I'm afraid that by February I will be bed bound. Not be able to leave my apartment. Be nauseous all the time and tired all the time. Thats the fear I'm feeling now.

I want to schedule activities that I want to do that I fear I will not be able to do in a months time. Like for instance seeing my nieces and nephews. Going somewhere other than my small apartment to see them is somehow crucial to me right now. I'm seeing activities that I know I can't do in my apartment.

So in turn I may be stressing some people out by putting pressure on them to find a day SOON to see me or else it just won't happen!!

Sigh.......

It's the fear talking

But.....

What if the fear is justified? What if I am correct in thinking that by February I will be in the position I fear I will be? Do I have a right to ask, in an excited way, for a visit with my children relatives soon while I can? Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is? Maybe it isn't?

When fear comes up in me, it can come up as my little girl who wants to throw a tantrum and say "I demand you drop everything and make this happen because I am dying and so I trump anything else going on in YOUR life! " Damnit!!!.....had to add that part too....you can't have a tantrum without swearing just a little bit right? lol

But seriously......Where is it justified or acceptable to throw a tantrum and say "look, this is really important to me so move mountains to make this work, because if not it just won't EVER happen." ?

I really am not sure. This is why I write these questions out here to ponder.

Everyone has busy lives. I really DO understand. I don't have children and no, i don't understand that part at all. But I do understand that we create our busy lives by choice. There is ALWAYS a way to make your life less stressful if you look deep down and face those fears. Whether they be being honest with your immediate family and say you need help and make it happen, or be honest with yourself and say you "need" to control everything, but do you really? I ask myself these questions too. I certainly don't have all the answers. But I DO have questions.

My oncologist used to laugh at my list of questions I would write down and bring in with me at EVERY visit. I'm a question asker. Thats who I am. Also a truth-teller. It's a real thing, you can google it. :)

I just put these questions out there for you all to ponder as well.

Are you living the life YOU want to live and if not, why not? How can you make your life less stress-filled? It CAN be done. Honesty I believe is the key. Even if it hurts the ones around you, they will still love you. If not, then did they really love you in the first place?

Again, I"m not trying to play guru or someone who has all the answers. I have been thru a lot of different colored and different shaped experiences of this life. I do know what has worked and what had not worked for me.

I just want to share these thoughts with you all. You can choose to take some of the questions and ponder them or take none of them and think i'm nuts. Well, .....I am nuts...... but I like it that way. :)

So, for ME, I'm going to try and sit back a bit and ponder what the fear looks like now and how I can understand what it's trying to communicate with me.

One more fear and I'll sign off I promise....lol

I'm fearful that when I just sit back and NOT try to make appointments happen, that next thing you know I'm gone, dead, .......disappeared. Regrets then sink in.......

Maybe thats the biggest fear for me now?

What about you? What are your deepest fears?

I'm going to look at today as today and go have some yummy sushi with my dad and step mom. Today is Today.

Blessings to you all

Food for Thought

Lessons Learned------Lessons Shared

By Susan Sanderford and her husband Milt

'When we leave this physical body we are immediately birthed back into the spirit dimension, that place we all came from and to which we all one day will return. That dying process is literally a graduation back to the place we all know as "home." An existence of unimaginable beauty, comfort, peace, that must cause our first return-thought to be—"Why in the hell did I ever choose to leave this place?"

We learned if our physical death is caused by a violent action, our souls— the very essence of who and what we are, our eternal souls are removed from our physical bodies before that violent action takes place. In other words, before the impact of the car crash, before the fire can consume us, before the explosion takes place, before the bullet strikes—we are whisked away before there is a chance for us to experience the trauma, discomfort or pain. This act of grace allows for a smooth and painless transition.

We pop out of our physical earth-suit and are immediately surrounded by loved ones who have passed over before, along with our spirit guides and angels. As Milt's mom Trudy explained, the reunion takes place producing a euphoric-like feeling. No fear, no stress, no wondering WHY? A major celebration takes place. After all—after having made such a journey to experience earth-school—no matter for a year or a hundred years in earth-time—we're finally back HOME!

As great as that sounds, and as great an experience that may be for the person who just died—the loved one remaining on the earth plane rarely feels that euphoria, that sense of celebration, that envelopment in love and peace. The remaining loved one usually feels a part of their heart has been torn out in a painful manner. The remaining loved one feels an overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness. Not only from the physical loss - but the loss of a dream of what might have been. That future together, places to go and things to do.

Why is that reaction to the same experience so dramatically different? Well, in truth, it's rather easy to understand. When we live in human form here on planet earth-school, our understanding is limited to the development of our human minds. From the earliest of time we've been taught to fear death—by our parents and church. We're told that death can eventually be a good thing—a place in heaven—or a very bad thing, tortuous exposure to the fires of hell and satin himself.

We're led to believe the finality of death—the ending of our existence. We're usually not exposed to the truth—that death is merely a rebirth back to the spirit dimension, that place of eternal growth and learning , surround by love, comfort and peace. That return to home and all that is good.'

Acceptance and Gratitude

Hi Ya'll

I have been on an up and down roller coaster since my last post. Wow!

Christmas dinner was lovely, even if it was on New Years Day, due to my poor mom who
had the flu and couldn't be around me due to my compromised immune system.

It can be a lonely place, to feel like the girl in the plastic bubble. Everyone tiptoeing around me, wondering what to say or what not to say.

I have made some mistakes, ......hell, lots of them. LOL

I am on an unfamiliar journey. At least I don't consciously remember going thru the death process before this life time. I'm bound to make some mistakes, hurt peoples' feelings. Its par for the course.

I got home from a wonderful support group at the Cancer Community Center a little while ago.

The people there in the group are all so special. I try not to use Brave and Courageous, even though its the truth. I want to say that they are all so "present" to their own journeys. They are living WITH cancer. Every day they are experiencing something new that involves cancer. A new pain, a new symptom, a new diagnosis, a new treatment option. Or the waiting game. Waiting for results to come in. Waiting for hope that this next treatment or clinical trial will be the one that will cure them!! Waiting.....

Aren't we ALL waiting to die in some sense? We're all going to die some day.

Having a major illness is something that people who do not have it, can't even begin to understand what it's like. Thats why I am so grateful for this group and for the center in general. A place where people can go and feel like they don't have to put on the "face". Be comfortable and take off the wig or show your scars without judgment.

Its an understanding. People nodding their heads as I speak of something they can relate to. Its so comforting and validating to have that kind of support.

I'm trying to learn acceptance now. I've mentioned that before.

Well, I"m still workin' on it. :)

The nausea is getting worse the last few days. I made it an hour and a half with a friend of mine yesterday, before I had to head home due to feeling awful and exhausted.

I was able to make it to group today but again, I'm worn out.

Acceptance.

Maybe, as a woman today said to me, I am here for some purpose I don't yet know about?

Have you noticed the trees out your window today? It's windy here today and they are blowing around, like a dance. Beautiful!

It's the seemingly small things that make me smile the most lately.

More later.....stay tuned :)

Simple Things?

Hi ya'll

This morning I woke up to find 14 mourning doves in the tree out my window. A light snow falling. Beautiful! I feed the birds on my little window ledge. Only about 4 doves can fit at a time. The others wait their turn. Stewie is also watching from below, hoping I will open the window for him to jump up and grab one of them. Not gonna happen Stewie. LOL

I wanted to blog about a few things, I'll start with one and see how long I blather on.

There are certain things that I'm sure everyone does at the beginning of a new year. Like turn your calendar over or put up a new one. Start to write 2013 on checks and papers etc....

Well, I always get a new planner and then take my old one, go thru it from the beginning of last year, and write down in my new calendar, all the birthdays, anniversaries, including death anniversaries, and important dates to remember,...all go in my new planner.

Seems pretty simple and boring right?

Well, I thought so too until I started to do so this year.

I got to about April/May and then thought to myself...."I don't know why I'm doing this?, I'm not going to be here by then." I keep adding dates anyway. Then I get to June and start reading how I found out about the cancer coming back. How it all started. What my days looked like then. All the tests scheduled to see what was going on. We first thought it was just pneumonia. Which of course isn't a picnic and can be deadly, don't get me wrong. I just didn't think it was the cancer coming back.

So, I then get to October, my birthday month and all these emotions start to come up. I keep adding the dates anyway. I laugh and think that maybe my friend Nancy can have my planner and she can add the birthdays that maybe she forgets about or anniversary dates etc..... So, I write a little smiley face here and there imagining her coming across them later on after I"m gone and laughing. Or.....

I made it all the way to December of 2013. I like to finish a project when I start one, but this one was tricky. I didn't see that one coming. The emotions that could come from such a simple act as adding birthdays to a calendar.

You just never know.

2013

Well, I made it to 2013! Yay!

I don't know how ya'll feel about the holidays but I am SOOOOO happy they are over! My body feels so much more relaxed and calm. I could feel the anxiety all around me before Christmas got here and it was not a good feeling

Most of the gifts I bought are given, some people I haven't seen yet.

I will take down my little Charlie Brown tree tomorrow morning. Maybe with the film crew shooting it.

Today was a rough day due to being exhausted! My nurse and I were discussing what the cause may be and I think it is due to the last two days being emotionally charged and full.

Yesterday I spent about 3 hours at my mom and stepdads house to have our "Christmas Dinner" that we couldn't have due to illness etc... It was really yummy! I got to have my sweet potato pudding. :) Part of it was filmed. I got some wonderful presents and gave them a present I hope they like. I also got to play with little Oscar the Wild kitten, he's grown since I've seen him. He's still wild, for sure, but cute as can be.

Monday was the anniversary of my friend Dans' moms' death. Also I met with my good friend Nancy and my Hospice Social Worker Annie for a mediated meeting. Nancy and I hit a bump in the road and needed to get some "stuff" out. It was all filmed too, yikes! I bet they won't use any of it anyway. I'm not even sure this film is really going to happen. The film makers will let me know next week if they are still wanting to be on board with this project or not.

I think any relationship, be it with film makers, friends, lovers, family can be tough at times. Especially when there is a major illness involved and then add a big holiday and miscommunication and BAM! You have yourself a recipe for an explosion of emotions.

I ALWAYS have felt better when the issue or issues are communicated. Even if my feelings are hurt, for ME, I want to know how the person feels and not have to try and guess. I drive myself nuts trying to fill in the blanks of how someone is feeling. Then I get myself into trouble by creating scenarios that aren't even based in reality.

Funny how the brain can trick us sometimes. Or maybe it's just us tricking us?

Oh, I don't know and don't claim to really know what I'm talking about, I just speak my truth at the moment I'm expressing it and hope it makes some sort of sense. :)

People are asking each other what their New Years resolutions will be. "What is your wish Jenn?"
Well, one guess what that wish would be.....

I like to look at the resolution part as a spring cleaning of my life. I look around at where I'm at and see what improvements can be made and go from there. I'm not one to put pressure on myself, at least not where this is concerned. I did the whole buy the gym pass in January thing and use it only 4 times, but still paid for it monthly hoping I would go back....thing.....doesn't work.

Now I'm in a whole other dimension of living, it feels like that anyway. I wish I could go back to Zumba class and go walking around town or what have you. Nope.

My muscles are definitely atrophying a bit. I do some stretches at home but lately it has been challenging to do too much.

Ok, so i'm rambling, sorry folks.....I'll end by saying I hope you all have a year full of love, laughter, joy and allowing yourself to indulge in whatever makes you happy once in a while., because you just never know what the next day will bring you.

Peace

Physical Issues and Re-evaluating

Hi ya'll!

Ok, so I don't know about you all but I'm really glad Christmas is over. My body sighed a
big sigh of relief.

Even my osteopath yesterday said my nervous system is so much calmer than the week before when
I had seen her.

I ended up being alone for Christmas Eve which was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be emotionally.

I cried and cried for most of the morning and then distracted myself with organizational activities. I started with going thru some old photo albums and pulled out pics I thought some family and friends would want. In my experience after someone dies, its hard to go thru ALL of someones things. Most of the time things just get thrown out, given to charity or put into storage possibly to never be seen again. I wanted to make sure certain things are given to people who I want to have those things.

It was odd but also felt good to do. I feel I still have some control over some things. Even if they are small and seemingly inconsequential.

I remember when my boyfriend Stuart died in 1999. He was from England and when I went over there for the first time, I met with some of his family and friends. I wanted to get some pictures and especially wanted to find a letter that Stuart said he wrote to me, the only hand written (i'm assuming) letter he ever wrote me. I wanted it! His family was still heavily grieving and didn't want to go thru any of his things. I was really upset and disappointed. Now I realize that it was just too painful for them to even look at anything related to him. And now I also realize, they are just things. I do wonder what the letter said however.

So, I'm determined to get most of my personal items, including pictures, to people whom I think would appreciate them. My friend Nancy is having a hard time with me giving her things, so I've stopped doing that with her.

I understand that everyone is different in how they deal with things. I like to be open and honest and REAL. Some people cannot go there. Its too painful and upsetting. I believe that if you wait too long to tell someone something important, that it could never happen, and most likely not in the WAY you would have liked the information to be shared.

My body is now telling me that things are moving along in a downward direction and I seem to be having less time during the day where I can go out and take part in activities. I get out of breath easy and the pain is increasing. Even talking while relaxing takes so much energy I never realized.

My hospice nurse thinks I'm under-medicated but I just don't want to go into a catatonic state from being drugged up too much. I want to stay as present as much as possible for as long as possible. Today was and is still a challenge. Pain is harder to deal with and nausea is getting worse. I'm going to try a new med tomorrow to hopefully help with the nausea. So on and so forth......

The one thing that's really bugging me is the full body sweats. YUCK! It seems like every hour I have at least one. Imagine walking into a sauna fully clothed and hanging out for about 5 minutes until you are almost soaked thru. I go thru that several times a day. It doesn't make a girl feel very fresh. I have a handkerchief by my side to regularly wipe my brow and face off as sweat accumulates. Sounds inviting doesn't it? :)

Good news is that the documentary has officially started! On Christmas morning the director of the film came over to interview me and get me used to the camera. I cried and cried and talked a bit too much actually. LOL. I will meet with her and her cinematographer (who happens to be her boyfriend too) next Sunday. We'll talk about all of our visions for the film and I'll put up some guidelines and concerns and ideas as well.

I'd like to stay on topic and not venture off too much if I can help it. I feel like sometimes I've lived several lives and have LOTS of stories to share. I try to keep reminding myself that there is a reason we are doing this film. Its not a biography, not really.

So, I'm going to lie down now. Pain is increasing once again.....sigh....

I hope you all had a lovely holiday and a safe and joy-filled New Year....

Till next time my peeps!

Merry Merry

Happy Yule, Merry Christmas......Happy Chanukah and Happy Holidays to you all!