Off Balance

Not too far away in the past, the Spring time had been really rough times for me. Its the expectations of being happy. Its suddenly nice out so I "should" be happy, I "should" be out there doing lots of activities and be grateful for so much in my life. Look how beautiful it is out and why would a person be unhappy? What reasons would someone not want to be outside?

Well, when you have a major depressive disorder as I have/had....still pondering that one.....it is very hard to live up to those expectations.

Did you know that April (at least it used to be not too many years ago) is the highest month for suicides? Why would that be? From my point of view its the pressure to be someone I'm not. And people in my inner circles not understanding why I was upset. Get outside Jenn, go for a walk, you'll feel better and you'll understand why the world is so much prettier now and why we are all so happy.

Well, for me it only made me more depressed. Why wasn't I feeling those things after going outside and smelling those roses? Why wasn't I more happy after walking for miles at a time? What is wrong with me?! That was the ultimate question I would hear in support groups I'd go to over the years. What is wrong with me that I can't feel those things that others are feeling and that's all around you? On television ads and newspaper ads. Its Spring time, its a time to get out and be happy. I would be so happy for the Spring showers, it gave me an excuse to not go out that day. Why can't we all just accept one another for whatever we are feeling whenever we are feeling those feelings and notice when someone we care about is NOT feeling that way and try to be there for them? Being there for someone is NOT fixing it. It is listening and maybe asking if there is anything you can do to help. Sometimes an ear is all that is needed or appreciated. Sometimes its just saying that you are so sorry that this person feels this way. That you still love them no matter what they are feeling. Feelings are feelings. Its ok to have feelings even if they seem irrational to you or others. Thats what i've learned over and over again at lots of support groups and books on self help.

So, today I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling like I want to crawl into bed and not get out. Its feeling  alittle bit like the old days when I was really depressed and couldn't understand it or explain it to my family or friends. It just was.

Maybe its the opiates I'm on? Maybe its affecting my mood? Who really knows right now. All I know is that today, i"m not feeling so great. I'm sure after a good shower (first one in a few days due to the new contraption I"m attached to) I'll feel somewhat better. Nothing like a good hot shower. ........I've been sponge bathing. Not quite the same thing.

So, there you are. Here is where I'm at right now.

I DO have so much to be grateful for.

I may also be a bit depressed due to the Boston bombings. Just awful that people are so far gone within themselves to want to hurt other human beings. I just can't understand it.

I DO hope you all have a wonderful day today. It is sunny here and maybe after I get out and about I'll start to feel better. I'm seeing some friends today too. I'm sure that will help. And if not then I'm sure they won't hold it against me.

Blessings to you all!

Being Attached

I woke up with some pain so I pushed the button on my new pack that gives me my morphine at a lower level all the time and when there is a spike in pain, I can hit this button to give it to me, a smaller dose, but something to hopefully get me thru to a more comfortable area.

A nurse came in yesterday to take the first needle that had been put in three days ago, out and put in another needle in on the other side of my stomach. I was a little nervous, only due to the pain and soreness I experienced the first time. This time was much better but the nurse and I discovered that I "may be" allergic to the plastic covering or one of the topical ointments put on to sterilize the area before the needle is injected. Here I am, the sensitive one, once again. LOL

My step sister and I were joking about how I should have a sticker or a sign saying.......I am the Sensitive Girl.  Be aware! I'm in the 1 % of the population who can't tolerate this or that. I can handle a lot of other things. Im not allergic to any foods that I know of. Just a couple of meds and certain topical lotions and laundry detergents. Sigh.....

So, being a very sensitive nurse as she is, Nurse S, I'll call her.....was patient and said after seeing the redness come up after a little while with the new needle to just keep an eye on it and see what happens. It didn't get much worse. So I'm thankful for that. It is still a little red this morning but not spread further out.

The most annoying thing i'm finding is being attached to the pack. I still can't take a shower yet. I have to learn from the very skilled nurses on what to do to shower. Right now, i"m just sponge bathing. Lets be honest. Sponge bathing is NOT the same as a real shower. Have you been camping?
I still haven't had to been able to wash my hair. I HAVE to do it today. NO ANDS IFS OR BUTTS about it. LOL

Ok, enough of that part.....

.....except for being attached....

I'm forgetting sometimes that I'm attached to this pack and one time (so far) I have forgotten and got up from my bed and pulled on the cord and the pack came flying down onto the floor. Yikes! It made all kinds of weird noises and I decided to ignore it for a few mins and see if it would go back to normal, which it did. Later on I found out it was fine. I figured if it stopped beeping and the noises came back, that it was fine.

I got thinking about how we are all attached to things. Am I  attached to this physical thing that is supposed to be easier on me by having to take less pills a day and the effects of it getting to my brain is faster. So far the jury is out on that one

There are other attachments we have. Should we call them attachments or addictions? Hmmmm....

I love my cup of PG Tips tea in the morning. One cup of tea with milk only. I love love love it.

Is that an attachment or an addiction. I believe I could let it go. I have before.

I'm attached to my wonderful cat Stewie. That is definitely not an addiction. Right? I love him and don't want to give him up till I have to. People keep asking if there has been anyone who wants to adopt him. I give them the current phrase that I trust that he will have a home when the time comes. I am not in any way shape or form giving him up BEFORE I die. NO WAY! He is my Angel Boy. He has been there for me when no one else could be, which is not implying I was all alone during my first treatment, but I did live alone and he was the only other being there to help me during those dark times at night.

Attachments.....what are they for YOU? Is it a teddybear that you sleep with at night that no one could rip out of your hands? Is it a purple toxic painted lunchbox you got as a girl in the fifth grade that you don't want to get near but just can't get rid of? Sentimental attachments seem to be at the top of the list don't they?

I see this site on FB that I believe is called Simplicity or Minimalist.

I have told myself many times that some day I will get rid of ALL of my things and have ONLY the essentials. I tried a few months a go, or maybe it was last Fall?, anyway, I did get rid of a lot of things, according to my standards, but I still have lots of stuff.

I am giving away lots of sentimental things as I can. Which has been emotional and very cathartic for me and for other family members.

Attachments, ......What does that mean to you and do you think you have a balanced way of living with them or without them? Do you feel you have only a few that seems reasonable to have in your basement?

Or are we talking about internal attachments to things in our mind, our emotional self. What are we attached to internally?

Maybe this needs a part two some time?

Have a gorgeous day today and my heart goes out to all the people that were killed and injured and affected by yesterdays' Boston Marathon Bombing.

My family were so proud that we knew of someone famous from our area who ran the marathon for many years, Joan Benoit. It was a big big deal. If I am correct, she was the first woman to win the marathon?

I didn't even know the bombing happened yesterday. I haven't watched t.v. much lately. I found out by turning a channel to find something happening last night to tape for a friend who I tape shows for that we watch every week. The news was on and I saw the ticker tape on the bottom.....Boston Marathon Bombing!

I live not far from Boston. Scary. There are so many scary things happening EVERY SINGLE DAY. I chose months ago to NOT watch the news even if its horrible. I will get the basic information, I will light my candles and send prayers out to all involved and then I will move on to something else.

I can and have been attached to the news. It is not a healthy thing for me to do and I can't do anything about what happened. Its an awful awful thing that another human being or beings could do this to others.

I have to turn off the t.v. and watch something positive and funny. Some might think that is being unaware or selfish or whatever judgments people want to throw at me. I believe it is taking care of ME and what I need to do. I am sending prayers and healing to all the people involved and I personally believe that is a very good thing to do.

We all have our ways of grieving and helping and that is mine right now.

Blessings to you all today.

Love is all there is and I will be sending Love to all around me.

Today.........April 14th, 2013

I am still here! yay!!!

Some days recently I wondered if I was going to wake up.

I've been incredibly sleepy. I feel like I could sleep for days. So UN-like me. The last time I was able to sleep so much was probably when I was a teenager. It feels wonderful on one hand and on another its scary. Something so different and odd to have suddenly come into my life. My Hospice Team say it is part of the process and the cancer is why.

On Friday I had a subcutaneous needle put into my stomach area. My nurse and I decided to NOT go with the PICC line for the moment. One reason was due to my nervousness and having to go to the hospital and have the topical medication used that did not work the last TWO times I tried them for other procedures. It was pretty horrific for me those last two times. I had a little PTSD over it due to the extreme pain. I know that the PICC Line will be SO much better when I will most likely go to that procedure of how the medication goes into my body but we (nurse and I ) decided to take this step first. It felt more comfortable for me and my body to start there. So this tiny needle gets poked into my stomach somewhere and its taped down with another type of I think butterfly type contraption to keep the needle in place. Every 3 days, I believe, it will be moved to another area on my stomach. So thats not so much fun but the stick is so much easier to deal with than any thing else. I know I can handle it. We'll see if I get so sick of it that I say "Enough, I want the PICC!", LOL .   One step at a time I say.

So, the amazing thing is that I don't have to take the dilaudid at all and don't have to take the morphine orally either, the morphine goes in thru the needle, by liquid form. I still have to take the advil and one other pain med along with a couple other pills a day but to not hear that pain pill APP going off every 2 hours is fantastic!!! My cat Stewie needs to get the memo now. He still wants to get up at 4am to take our first dose of medication. I'm trying to let him know that its not happening now.........hopefully soon he'll get it.

Cats get such a routine going sometimes. A lot of animals do. I'm sure he'll get over it soon.

I have a pack I have to carry with me at all times, I can use it as a fanny pack or a shoulder purse like contraption. Its heavier than I thought it would be but i"m sure i'll get used to it. I can sleep with it ok due to the long tubing it has. I place it on my bedside table when I sleep and the tubing is laying next to me. So far so good. I have a pump I can push every 10 mins or so if the pain gets really bad, which I'm going to do now, due to all this typing. Its causing some pain......please hold......do you hear the Muzak playing? LOL......

Ok, i'm back. I don't feel it right away. It takes longer than a PICC line would take.

So, thats the physical updates, sorry if its so long. I know some family members wanted some updates on what all is happening.

Val had asked about any spiritual visions I've been having? Well, mostly its happening with my polarity therapist and some I've had on my own.

There are two Light Beings who come to me and who will be with me from now until I pass over. One is male and one is female. Marsha, polarity therapist, told me about them. Before she could tell me what side they were on, I told her. Then she saw a dolphin jump into my arms and I was craddling him/her and lets say he is sending me a mauve color of light that is full of LOVE just pouring into my body and soul. The Light Beings, Mother and Father, are there to help me cross over as well. I feel them around me. There are other smaller visions I have that I'm keeping more private right now. I may share with peeps soon. I want to get more information and see if its something I need to or want to share with others.

I will hopefully be able to share other visions if they are people visiting but at that time, I may be too far gone to be able to type about them or share with others. But who knows, could happen?

I've had others share their visions, one of me with Stuart, (my boyfriend who died), but I don't feel comfortable sharing their stories publicly. They are beautiful images. I feel that I have so SO many people and beings who are waiting for me on the other side. I have no worry that I will be alone at ALL. NONE.

My worry is leaving so many wonderful, magical, loving people in my life, and to have to say goodbye. I've always hated goodbyes. Its one of my lessons this life time.

I hope I can have some closure with some people. I have had some closure on my part with some people. I know that some people will have to do their own work on losing me on their own time and if they wish to do so.

This journey is so foreign to me in so many ways, although I KNOW I've been here before. Dying as a human being. I just know I have. I suppose it could be that we need to not remember how it was each time due to the pain or the suffering that comes along with it all. It could make people not want to go there? Who knows.

I've been lately feeling very alone and scared. Then I'll have moments of joy and love. But to be honest and to KEEP IT REAL, I've been very sad to lose so many friends from my life. So many loved ones that I feel I can't even fathom saying good bye to.

I've said to some people, ..."until next time..." instead of good bye.

That sounds better to me and its what I personally believe.

I don't believe that I've become this enlightened being and now I can go on into another dimension. No, my soul is still learning and will possibly keep learning for a long time to come.

I've just learned all I need to learn in THIS body.

Ok....enough of the saddness.....

Joy.....lets see.....

I received a beautiful fairy wand flower (not real flower) from a very smart and beautiful 3 year old girl who got all shy when she gave it to me. I had left the gathering........ and i had also left the cards I make with my Henry Bunny, this little girl has received many times before due to me sending her some, I write in it from me and Henry the Bunny. She has fallen in love with Henry. So after I left the party she and her mom picked out a Henry card to buy and then when this amazing  3 year old opened the card she said something like "no jenn writing?"......she couldn't understand why I hadn't written anything in the card. ohhhhhh, so sweet. Her mom explained it well.

so, soon, i'll send her another Henry card with some "jenn writing" in it.

Thank you ALL so much for reading and for supporting me on my journey. It means so much to me. It IS getting harder to write as often, but i hope to have help when I can't write as well or as often. I may be able to have someone type as I talk.

Just as Val asked me for some information, if you all have some questions you would like answered, please ask away on the comment area and I'll do my best to answer them.

xoxoxo
jenn

Changes Aren't Always Bad

Hi Ya'll

I know I've been a bit quiet here on my Blog Page.

Things have been churning and mixing around me and in my head. Lots of physical changes and also spiritual changes are happening within me and around me.

Lets get the physical changes out of the way.....I know they can be boring or maybe a bit scary, depending on who is reading the info.

So, the pain.....yes, the pain again....its here to stay unfortunately. The pain I believe will always be here but it can be managed to a point where it feels like someone is holding me and whispering in my ear. Or it can be someone shaking my shoulders and screaming in my ear. Depends on the day and depends on the activity I am doing.

Maybe that doesn't make sense?

So, an example. If I do my dishes, clean the litterbox, fold my clean laundry that someone most graciously cleaned for me, then changed the sheets on my bed. That could, believe it or not, lead to the someone shaking my shoulders. That can be too much for me to do. It seems like such a simple thing to do right? Well, this is what I am learning. .....that its not simple anymore. My "new" life is not simple any more.  sigh......

ok,....so, how should I react to this?

There are no SHOULDS......lets say this again.......THERE ARE NO SHOULDS!! Thats better!

It is all personal. For me.....the pain is pretty intense. My social worker and nurse have both stated that the pain is pretty significant and I need to keep a gentle watch over what I do. A PICC Line looks like at sometime soon, will be put in. I"ve decided only recently that this will happen.

I want to do do do........but if I do do do.....I will pay pay pay....physically and emotionally.

I have had lots of emotional ups and downs lately as well.

I want to fight the pain and make it go away or make it not exist or make it just be different.

I"m not sure I'm making a whole lot of sense. I try to explain things on a physical level as well on a emotional level. I am having to let go of how I used to be. What I used to be able to do is no longer there.

I wanted to be at a wonderful gathering for ME on Sunday. I got ready with help from my dear friend Nancy and if we both had really checked in with me and with how I was physically and mentally, we both would have come to the conclusion that I was in no shape at ALL to be at a fairly big social gathering. Even if it is full of LOVE and for lil ole ME, it was not going to happen. , for me anyway.

I was stubborn and went anyway.....both Nancy and I , I believe, were in a sense of denial. This is what we have been used to me being able to do for years. Why change now?

Well, after about 20 mins to a half hour of being there, I about lost my jelly beans......It was like I was in someone elses' body. I was no longer there. I was completely overwhelmed.

I had to go to a small room in the back of the Center we were all gathered at and just breathed and then Nancy came in after I asked her to and I bawled my eyes out over and over and over and over and over again......

I was bawling because I knew I couldn't be there, I was bawling because I knew that was the last time I could EVER do anything like that again, EVER. No more gatherings of that sort again.

Another loss for me to deal with.

Letting go of something else.

The pain, the medications, the cancer progression.....its just so high and heavy that all I can handle now are small one on one meetings/visits.

This is VERY hard for me to accept into my mind and soul.

Every day I have a loss to deal with. This is a big one.

So many WONDERFUL people were there for me. I was and am still so very grateful for their presence and their willingness to be there for ME.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul for your love and giving of so much.

After I got home and Nancy "tucked me in bed", with a xanex of course, .>>LOL....I did need a half of one to stop shaking. , I could really feel the love from everyone who was still at the Center having fun meeting one another and talking about things that are concerning eachother. After all it is a community of peeps that are supporting one another too. If there are any issues, they are there for each other. I"m so happy that that is the case. People helping one another is wonderful. It is so important when there is someone dying. To have support from others.

My father and my step mom were able to make it too, which was a total surprise. Thank you Dad and Sue!

So, there are lots of losses happening, but also lots of healing happening for me, I saw my wonderful Polarity Goddess Marsha, yesterday, and was able to receive so much healing on so many levels. I am so so happy and grateful for her incredible giving and presence for me in so many ways.

I could go on about that.....but maybe another time....

I just wanted you all to know that I'm doing ok...its been rough and I'm having to let go of so much, but that I'm gaining an incredible amount as well.

I'm learning to let go of things too. Trusting that even if I wasn't at the party/gathering, that it still went on and it was still good for everyone. I am so happy.

Trusting that things can still happen without me, in a good way. I'm not forgotten either. Its a lesson I"m learning. Letting go.

I'm still learning to do so.

I'm in pain, I'm also happy, I"m letting go of some control and yet can still be happy.  So much learning and so much healing of my soul and spirit. Saying NO when I need to and having that be ok, people understanding that its not personal, its me taking care of me.

Today there is going to be another wonderful meeting with my hospice nurse and social worker meeting at my mom and step dads house to give some updates from their points of view of how THEY see things going with me lately. I may be able to tell people there how I see things going. It gives people a chance to ask questions of their own as well.

I'm just SO happy that there are many opportunities where people can communicate with one another and from people in the Hospice Community as well. Communication is something I feel has been tough for my family on some levels. At least for me. So to see this happening on so many different levels has been teaching for me for sure, wow! WONDERFUL!!

I woke up today with so much gratitude and love for others in my world and the world around me.

Thats how I wish to wake up every morning.

I am grateful for all of YOU who read my blog, thank you!

Blessings to you all!

And have you seen the flowers bursting thru the soil? Magic!!!!

A New Day

Hi Followers


I love you ALL!!!

Its a New Day!

The last few days, or maybe weeks have been really really rough, physically, emotionally, spiritually, you name it.....rough rough rough....

But, today is a new day!!!

I am going off of the steroids which I know has been making me crazy and making others' crazy too, LOL...

In a few more days that will be out of my system and I will hopefully feel much better on one level.

Now I'm still debating the PICC line.....sigh.....

I spoke with my Soc Worker who then called up the people you call up to ask questions about things like this. I got most of my answers but so much is unknown. Just like whats been going on in my life lately.

Unknown....

More later.....

Smoooooooch!

Gettin' Late

Hi Ya'll

Well, it's getting late here and my eyes are crossing but I was/am determined to post something before I went to bed.

I just tried to change my cover photo to something recent like the one I posted in my last post, but I am not a techy person, so I spent too much time trying to figure that one out and used up too much energy. If anyone can guide me to how I can change my picture, that would be awesome! ;)

So, Pain is still bad but a slow slow increase of good is happening. Today is the first day in days that I can type without crying trying to do so due to pain.

I did the dishes and cleaned off the top of my stove that took around 15 minutes and practically ran back to my hospital bed to collapse and do some deep breathing to settle myself down and not scream my head off from pain. Plus the pain makes my breathing harder to manage.

So, that is actually an improvement from yesterday which I was up to around 5 mins.

Being bed bound is not fun. Especially being alone and having a demanding cat, ..".yes you Stewie, you are".....why can't cats seem to get it when you can't drop everything to serve them and forget about YOUR needs? LOL, its true. He looks at me like everything is fine and why can't I brush him for 10 mins like I usually do every day!? I try to reason with him but no.....

Yes, i've gone a bit nutty from this whole living alone and trying to stay sane.

I do have some lovely people come visit me and help me out.

Today I had an AMAZING reiki session from Star Cat, she is incredible!! I saw some visions that knocked me out. I wasn't on any trippy drugs other than the ones i've been on, i don't count them as giving the same effects. In any case, I saw some things that were so beautiful and hopeful. Some forms of people who were all connected and in some ways were telling me that we are ALL connected in lots of different ways. I can't get into all of the session, but I know that it was really great and I'm so grateful for her and for so many wonderful people in my life.

Today I was pretty sad for a lot of the day. People were out and about saying how gorgeous it was out there and how I should get out. Not knowing that thats what I'd LOVE to do but cannot. I'm trying to keep my spirits up.

I asked people on my private site that is organized to help me out with chores and visit organizations and so forth, to bring me over some leftover Easter candy and ....be careful what you ask for. I got some today already and I know I'm getting more. I think I may have to give a lot of it away. Its really sweet of them. I know I am loved.

My mourning doves are very active lately, cooing like crazy out my window. So pretty to hear. Spring is here.

I really wasn't sure I was going to make it till Spring. Here I am. The bulbs are bursting up thru the soil. I hope I can see some soon. Flowers coming up thru the ground.

So, I'm off to sleep. I have a new medicine regimen. I wake up at 4am for my first med intake. Fun times......but it could be a magical time too. We'll see.

Happy Easter Ya'll!

Keeping it Real?

Hi Ya'll

A couple of people have said that they want more posts from me lately. I haven't been posting enough I guess?

Well, lots of physical issues have been coming up and I haven't been sure that these issues should be discussed on my blog or not. When does it cross the line to "keep it real'? or does it ever cross the line? I'm putting this question out there to you all and I welcome your feedback.

I ask my family and friends to keep it real but then I hold back on certain things. Especially what my body has been experiencing. Does that mean I'm not keeping it real enough for you all? Or is it ok to keep some things private?

So, I've decided to share some of whats been happening and see how it feels to me to share it and go from there. Maybe I'll share it all, who knows? Its real life right? The physical issues are real and some people will be going thru them so why not put them out there in case people who are just starting out on this journey will be prepared for the possibility of having these same issues come up for them?

So, I'm taking a deep breath and here we go.......warning to people who get grossed out or upset by hearing about bathroom issues, you may want to skip ahead or just be prepared.

I'm still avoiding aren't I ...... LOL

Ok.....so, I had a bowel obstruction about what....a month or so ago? Not exactly sure when, my time gauging is not very good lately. So the bowel obstruction meant that my bowels got so impacted that I had to have help getting the bowels out of my body. Enemas, colace tablets, miralax, more enemas, more enemas...did i say more enemas....yep, even more....didn't work!! Some people have had to go to the hospital due to the pain and compaction. I almost had to go. The Indignity of it all was almost as bad as the pain. My mom said she experienced a smaller dose of what I went thru at one point. It is worse, I've been told, than having a baby, the contractions and pain are beyond description. The indignity of it was due to having one or more people taking turns trying to get the bowels out of my bottom. Gloves on and digging in. Horrific!!!! After the nurse left she thought it was all out and I should have been fine, but i had two more horrible times on my own of getting more hard stools out of my body. My nurse has had many many times of experience doing this over the many years of her working as a nurse and she's never seen it be so bad. Oh wonderful! I get another award for being the "best" at something else I didn't want to be the best or worst at. LOL

So, it took about a week after that until my system was calmed down enough to work on its own without cramps or pain or burning.

So, I started taking a lot of things to help prevent this from happening again. Why did it happen? Mostly due to the medications I have been on. They will do this to you for a long time unless measures are taken. So, my body had then wanted to go in the other direction. A bit of diarrhea so I went off of the colace and just stayed on the miralax.

Ok, so lately.....I haven't have too many problems with that. Whew.....thats over right? well, no, not exactly.

What happened recently, which I hope I won't start crying all over my keyboard, was that I was told to wear a pad or those pretend underwear, diapers for adults, until the issue is more balanced. I went to a drugstore and was so tired from all the meds and also felt like I was sleep walking to the aisle where the pads/incontinence underwear was kept. I stared at the underwear. Looking at all the choices. What size do I need? What color, what brand, what .....the hell am I doing in this F-ing aisle!!? I was literally dizzy. I couldn't believe that me, a 43 year old woman was looking at what brand of diapers to pick out for herself. WOW! I finally after minutes of staring, put a package of purple, my favorite color, had to laugh at that one, underwear into my basket. I actually tried to hide the big package with my other small items that could never come close to hiding them. I was starting to feel very emotional. The numbness was over and was moving to the emotion phase. I knew I needed to check out and get the hell out of the store and into my friends car. I saw my friend and told her that I had to get to her car. I had checked out with this young 20 something year old man waiting on me. I was hoping he assumed I was buying them for my grandmother. Who cares what he thinks right?

I had to tell my friend what was going on, and that was embarrassing. She of course understood. She had to wait for some pictures to print out, so I had to tell her I needed her keys to go to her car and cry if I needed to. She was wonderful and brought my stuff to her car and came back. I took the keys and sat in her car. I didn't cry, but felt safe just being out of sight of others. Who i"m sure had not idea of what was happening to me. Its just my fear and just MY anxiety.

I had gone one week wearing them and nothing happened so I thought, what a waste, I'm going to just wear my regular underwear now. And just like Murphys Law or some kind of law, can't remember which one, I woke up at 3am and went to the bathroom. I touched my bum area and I discovered that I had had a bowel movement. OMFG! I started crying and stared at the mirror. WHY?!!! I couldn't believe it. I had to hand wash my clothes and then take a shower with my shower cap on at 3:30 am, tired and in so much physical pain. Crying over and over. Alone.

Is this real enough for ya'll? I hope its not too disturbing and upsetting. I decided that I needed to tell the story. This is part of the indignity I was trying to tell the filmmakers I have worked with, about. There is so much more I know I'll be going thru. This is enough for one day.

I figured why not tell it. Maybe these words will be helpful for someone or someones' family member who may be going thru this experience in the future. It is so awful but its necessary. It's normal when ones' bowels are not working properly. Things happen.

So, today I'm going to spend some time with my wonderful brother who made another trip up to see me this weekend. We're going to see our dad and stepmom Sue and maybe have some local potato made donuts, yummmm.....

I will try not to think about the awful times i've had lately and just focus on the grateful times I've had recently. So many wonderful times. Every single day I am so grateful for what I am still capable to do.

Yesterday I cried in my brothers arms because I was happy he was there and I was taking pictures of some beautiful scenery and I knew that soon I would not be able to do that. I was still taking in all the beauty and still being able to be grateful for still being able to do that.

All around me and all around you is beauty, if only we just stop and look and listen. You'll see it.

Thank you for reading about my ups and downs kind of journey.

Love to you all today!

I can't wait to have a dark chocolate donut with sea salt, yummmm! The donut place is called The Holy Donut. Amazingly good donuts and on the edge of being healthy. Maine potato made and some have savory ingredients, like the bacon and cheddar donut, warmed up.....yuuuummmmy! :)

Did I also mention that two more baby goats have been born at Wolfes Neck Farm in Freeport, Maine? So exciting! I hope to go see them asap. I also got a picture via email of "my" dear dolphin Bellas' baby dolphin via ultrasound. I can't really see whats what but to know i'm looking at her baby makes me so incredibly happy. I wonder if she'll be names Maya.

Blessings every day. Oh, and one more thing I promise....LOL....I got a major change of my hair, new doo, maybe I can upload here, I'll try it and see what happens. I am so happy to change things up yet again. Why not? Live life and your hair will grow back right? Dark chocolate sea salt donut smooches to you all!