More Light

I looked out my window a few minutes ago and realized it was still light out, and its 8pm!

I love this time of year, the days get longer and nature comes to life. I think of the word HOPE.

A dear young friend of mine who also has a blog asked about trips we have taken. I was reminded of when I was in Scotland. I went to the Isle of Skye and camped out near the ocean on a small beach. Really beautiful and peaceful. My friend and I didn't realize that it was the time of year when the light wins out over the dark. The sun didn't go down until around midnight and then came back up again a couple hours later. It was the oddest thing to not have much darkness. Our bodies have a hard time adjusting to the change. Its a little discombobulating. I kept looking at my watch in disbelief, wondering if the sun would go down and if we had traveled into a time warp.

It had the feeling of time standing still.

Many times I had wanted time to stand still when I was feeling good, not wanting things to change. Other times I would want time to go faster, especially when I was in treatment. I felt lousy and wanted to come out on the other side. Time could not go fast enough.

Now I am ok with how time is traveling. Every day is a blessing and seeing the sun out at 8pm reminded me of that today.

My parents used to tell me, as i'm sure many parents have told their children, that before we knew it we'd be all grown up and time would go by faster as we got older. Its so true. When I was young the summers seemed to last forever, each day was filled with adventure. Maybe as we get older we just appreciate time more and realize that it can go by us without us noticing. When you have a serious disease or illness I believe that feeling triples in force.

I'm not saying that I appreciate every minute of every day. I really don't. I'm human and lots of days I don't "do" anything, but I do appreciate being here and experiencing what I am doing, even if its just writing in this blog.

The blue sky is now turning to a beautiful indigo, and in a few minutes it will be black out my windows.

Tomorrow the sun will stay out even longer, one more minute to watch the sunset, one more minute to see the shadows turn to black. One more minute to ponder the days activities.

Spring Fever?

A good friend of mine said to me this morning...."the birds are chirping, spring is springing all around, but where is the burst of energy? why don't i have that ? I still feel like hibernating"

I agree.

April has proven to be a rough month for me and for many others. Oops, its May isnt it? :)

I believe spring in general is challenging for people. Its not quite warm out and the time change can mess with our body chemistry. Our bodies are using muscles that havent been used all winter.

I've been dealing with some major fatigue and soreness in my body. Whats new? Its getting me down quite a bit lately. I want that burst of energy, that motivation to do things and keep doing them without pooping out.

The 17th will be one year since my surgery that removed the nasty tumor and some infected lymph nodes. I still have the blue dye and scars are still healing in some ways. I have a daily reminder of journeys i've been on this past year. When you break your bones you can heal up and move on, usually without much of a scar if any.

I think my depression is kicking in a bit and its hard to fight it sometimes, takes all my energy.

I still want to hibernate under the covers until summer really kicks in.

Maybe my next life i'll be a hibernating animal. Actually i'd like to just stay over on the other side and not come back, i'm done with reincarnation. I've learned all the lessons i want to learn in the many lifetimes i've had.

Over doing It

When do you know when you've overdone it?

Back a few years I was working out at a fitness club. I didn't go regularly. I couldn't seem to get into a routine. I know i'm not alone. When I did go I usually worked out hard. It was almost like I wanted to get it over with and get in shape asap. I'd go home feeling sore and exhausted, sometimes i injured myself.

When I was writing for fun and working on a novel, that I can't find today, I would sit for hours at a time without a break, no bathroom break, no drinking or eating, just focusing on my writing, I was determined to get it done, go with the flow and not stop. My hands would cramp up and my neck and shoulders would scream at me. I seem to do that a lot with most things.

Lately i've been walking quite a bit. I get impatient and dont want to wait for the bus and I also think i better walk off that doughnut i ate yesterday. I wouldnt say I was obsessive with my walking but more determined.

I end up paying for it physically though. I missed the bus yesterday and had to practically run to my appointment. This was after I had already walked an hour to another appointment. I ended up getting to my appt all sweaty and miserable. I was overdressed and overheated. A beautiful day but I didnt enjoy it while i was running around town.

I went to my radiologist check up appointment. The Doc said everything looks ok. She was a bit concerned with my weight loss and some pain i've been having but otherwise she will see me again in 6 months.

I got home after having walked (power walked) over 2 hours.

Exhaustion kicked in big time.

I remember when I could do that kind of thing and not blink an eye about it. Now it seems my body can't deal with it the same way.

I wonder how long i'll be feeling this way? Will I slowly get my strength back? Or will I always have this kind of fatigue.

Time will tell I suppose.

I have that same determination in me but its not the kind that is productive. Its the kind that brings frustration when I can't do the things I want to do and keep going. Its hard for me to give in and accept where i'm at right now.

Mothers Day is coming up. It has always been hard for me to allow society to tell me when I need to honor my family. I want to honor them on my own time and in my own way. Theres this pressure to do things when you are "supposed" to. Thats not how I work.

I love my mother and am so grateful for her. I know i'm lucky to have a mother now. Some people don't have one anymore or never did.

There are alot of mothers around me. My wonderful stepmom whom I love dearly. My stepsister who has an amazing daughter. My stepbrother and step sister in law who have two beautiful children. My brother is a mother sometimes as well as a father. There are many more.

Theres another layer of emotion for me this year. The fact that I cannot bare children. I know I could still be a mother to an adopted child or some other persons child but its the fact that i'm not going to have children that touches a certain place in me.

I know I'm ok with not having children, but it comes back to society. Society tells you that there must be something wrong with you for not wanting children. I love kids. I could go on about all the social and economic reasons for not having children. On a personal level I just don't think its in the cards for me. Some people are just not meant to have children and I believe people shouldnt be judged for not wanting that life choice.

So, this mothers day i'll honor all the mothers out there, especially mine. I'll also try to forgive myself and accept the fact that I wont be having children and its ok.

Happy May Day!

Today is my good friend Nancys' birthday!

I know I havent written for a while.

I've been a bit down in the dumps, not horribly so but the dark cloud has been looming all the same.

I had my CBC (complete blood count) done and i'm still in the "normal" range although as a nurse told me, my numbers aren't as good as when I had them taken in January. I know that blood counts don't tell the whole story and everyones' fluctuates, so i'm not too worried about it.

This time of year is a bit tough for me. You'd think with all the flowers blooming and the temps getting above freezing (usually) would put everyone in a good mood. Most of the time thats true, but I found out that April is the highest month for suicides. I wonder why?

My view on it is that if you have depression and I do, when spring comes around theres so much pressure to feel good, you are "supposed to" feel motivation and when you don't its such a let down, mostly to the person feeling it, or not feeling it. People want to tell you that you have no reason to feel unhappy. "It's spring, get outside and you'll feel better!" It doesnt work that way unfortunately. It only makes a person feel worse when someone tells them they should be feeling a certain way. We all feel what we feel when we feel it, theres no rules to go by.

So on that depressing note.....

I do feel better today and plan on walking to see my grandmother at her new home at a wonderful nursing facility not a huge ways away. It will be a good long walk. She moved in there a couple of days ago. Her Alzheimers is getting worse and she had to be demoted so to speak, but I think its for the best anyway. This place has so much more to offer and it seems they have more staff to really take care of people on an individual basis.

My mother told me that she doesnt ever want to end up there or anywhere like that, I know my father feels the same way. Can we really choose all the time? Does time sneak up on us before we can say NO!?

Life doesnt always work out that way.

I know some people have said they would never have chemotherapy or go through any kind of suffering. I think we are surprised how much we do put up with. I didnt think i'd go through treatment but I did. I say now that if i get the big C again i'd not do any more treatment, but who really knows? I may have so much more to live for at that time. We just dont know what we'd do until it happens to us.

So, today is Nancys birthday and I'm going to go help her celebrate tonight and over the weekend. I'm going to try and not think about the "what ifs" and just have fun!

Today I'm choosing to live and love

o.k, thats really sappy, but its true!

Maybe we can all try and not judge others today and accept the decisions people make, and our own, and just live!

Different Year

I had a treat yesterday.

My dad and stepmom took me for a wonderful Indian meal and then to a local beach they love to go to.

I hadn't been to a real beach in a long time.

I have a small beach near me but it's the kind of beach you don't really want to go barefoot at. You may step on something you'd rather not step on. I'm very lucky to have it near me and the ocean in general. There is something a bit more special when you're on a beach that you can walk miles on in one direction.

I've lived all over the east coast mostly. I've lived near the Smokey Mountains and the Berkshires with lovely hiking trails and mountain energy. I've always missed the ocean. Some people feel very connected to the mountains. I feel connected to the ocean. Maybe it's due to growing up by it? Whatever it is, I love living near it.

I took a few pics, one posted here, and it just felt so good to be there.

This time last year I was in treatment with chemo therapy. I remember going to the beach with my dad but not having the energy to really truly enjoy it. I was cold and very very tired.

Yesterday I was able to run the beach for a couple of minutes and I was thinking as I was running that I couldn't have done that last year. I remember when I actually could not run, my legs weren't letting me. The neuropathy was pretty intense.

I want to do more outside this year. I really missed not being able to hike or camp last summer. I'm determined to do more of that.

I really do appreciate things like that now. I had taken it for granted before. I believe lots of us forget sometimes. We forget the small pleasures of walking a beach or sitting by a tree, or just running when you want to.

I've got the spring fever now!

Unexpected Repairs

Have you ever taken your car in for an oil change and then left with new tires or a thing-a-ma-jingy you didn't realize you 'needed'?

I went in to have my 3 fillings put in. I hadn't slept well the night before, probably due to anxiety. I don't have good memories of dentists and so I tend to have a bit of anxiety around going.

As they were drilling out my 3 fillings, what was left of them, apparently a fourth filling came popping out. I didnt' realize this until they were pretty much finished with my fourth filling.

So I ended up having 4 fillings done in one sitting, 2 hours to be exact. They did let me take a few minutes break.

I go in for 3 fillings, leave with four. Part of me wants to question them and say, "hey, maybe this was your fault for knocking the 4th filling out, and maybe you need to pay for it!", Doesnt work that way.

My friend from NH is having to have her car repaired yet again. She is dreading the bill. Exhaust work. She has had exhaust repairs only a year ago, so shes wondering why so soon again. She trusts her mechanics but I wonder.

When do you question people in authority? When do you trust what is being told to you?

Maybe thats when intuition is key?

Sometimes I doubt my intuition for fear or control issues.

In the end we all have to make a decision. Decide what is most important at the time. Is it worth questioning everything?

I'm still sore from my dental work.

Should I call them and complain?

hmmmmmmmmmmm

Crumbling

You ever have that feeling like everything is crumbling around you?

Well, i've been having that feeling lately.

I was flossing my teeth the other night and out pops a huge filling into my sink.

I then had to go to PT. I asked my PT who she'd recommend for a dentist. She gave me her recommendation and after my session with her I went over there. I luckily had my moms car for the day.

I walk into the dentist office and everyone is very nice. Then as i'm filling out my paperwork they ask if I have dental insurance. Nope I dont. Suddenly the mood of all the staff changes towards me. They immediately tell me that they need a credit card or cash before i can see the doctor. I say ok, i have a friend who said he'd give his credit card number. They file me into the doctors chair and I get my tooth x-rayed. Before the doctor comes in the front desk lady and another lady squeeze into the tiny room to tell me i need to give them the info NOW! I had to call my friend who lives in London while i was sitting in the dentist chair, with two women hovering over me. We got all the info straightened out and then the doctor comes in.

What a nice way to treat a new customer huh? geesh!

I am going to have 3 fillings done on thursday, so I had to wait two days with a huge hole in my tooth, exposing nerves. I have to eat soft food, so I thought what better food to eat than a nice soft doughnut?! I got three and no i didnt eat them all at once. They are the home made kind that are especially sinful. I remember getting some a couple of times before I had chemo, and shared them with others in treatment.

My PT lady has been working on my neck and shoulders for a couple of weeks now and has actually caused my pain to increase dramatically to where I had a migraine last night and extreme neck/shoulder pain.

I went to see my Osteopath today and she couldnt believe how compressed my neck was. My PT really did a number on it. I feel some what better now and have to try and get psyched for my 2 hour, early, dentist appointment tomorrow. I have to be there at 8am, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

So, along with my teeth falling out (yes a piece fell out this morning), and my neck out of whack, my apartment looks like a tornado hit it. Heres where the crumbling part comes in. Maybe its like spring cleaning in an odd way. Out with the old, in with the new.

I think I may have to buy another doughnut on the way home tomorrow, i'll be all numbed out, so i can't eat anything crunchy right?

works for me!

Now if I can only get some hot chocolate to go with that doughnut!