Death and Rebirth

This time of year is about the rebirth of plants, animals and the sun being higher in the sky for a longer period of time. It's also a letting go time. Letting go of past regrets and starting fresh, a time of putting into action what has been "hibernating" all winter. Ideas and plans put into place and starting to move forward.

I'm noticing so many changes lately. I recently moved into a new apartment. In doing so I've purged a lot of material things that I don't use anymore and have no use for now. It feels really good to let go of things.

There is also some death. My friend Linda as I mentioned in my last post and now my friend Eve. She passed away on February 25th in NYC. I got to see her in Maine before she left for the city. I held back tears when I saw her. She had lost so much weight and was in pain. She was able to walk around and be active. For Eve, however, it was a huge set back.

I had wanted to go to NYC and see her before she died but wasn't able to and her husband politely encouraged me not to. It just wore Eve out too much to have visitors and it just didn't make sense to push her.

This past Sunday there was a memorial gathering at her home in Maine for all the Maine friends and family to pay their respects. The house was overflowing with I'd say about 100 people going in and out. Eve touched so many lives for so many years.

She was a big sister and was very active with play writing and acting and so much I don't even know about.

What I do know is how much of an impact Eve had on my life. She listened without judgment and asked questions that drew out emotions and personal details of my life. It always made me feel better to talk with Eve. We laughed a lot too. We were able to joke about our cancer experiences and side effects. I think Eve felt she could complain about her discomfort to me and it was o.k. I wasn't going to try and fix it or tell her to just be positive. Sometimes you just need to complain to someone who gets it.

I would get these thoughtful and joyful cards hand written to me from Eve. I felt guilty for not writing back as much as I wanted to. I looked forward to her cards and even received one a couple of days before she died. I could tell she was struggling but she kept busy till the end.

We played Bingo at the Cancer Community Center and made May baskets and crafty things that Eve doesnt usually like to do but humored me. We just wanted to hang out and so we did silly things together. I'll never forget it.

Eve was a fireball of energy but she also could just be quiet and listen.

I will miss her and love her so much and can't believe I won't see her again in this lifetime. Not getting her emails or letters or meeting for lunch. I wish I had had more time to get to know Eve.

Its a time to let go of people and things and regrets...look forward, but never forget the good times or the wonderful people who affect and transform our lives.

Remembering......

I woke up this morning remembering a friend who I recently found out has passed.

Her name was Linda and she was an amazing woman. Her husband called me a few days ago. I think he must have gotten a message from Lindas' coworkers that I had emailed her wondering how she was doing. It had been since November that I had seen or heard from her. We would go months without contact then we'd have lunch and it was like no time had passed between us.

Linda passed about a month after we had had lunch. I had no idea. Lindas' husband said that her service was overflowing with over 400 people. I wish I could have gone and I really wish I had been able to say goodbye to her and let her know how much she meant to me.

I first met Linda when I was newly diagnosed with breast cancer. I was struggling with the decision as to whether or not to get genetic testing. A woman from the Cancer Community Center had connected us. Linda had first been diagnosed with the same exact cancer as I had and had been cancer free for 15-20 years? From our first conversation we hit it off. She was extremely supportive and inspirational. Her cancer came back in her bones and she went a few years keeping "it" at bay but the damn C took over.

We had lunch many times. Sometimes we would just sit in her car by the ocean and talk. One time we talked for over 2 hours. I felt like she really got what I was going through. She listened and didn't judge or try to fix it. We laughed about silly things and I felt so comfortable with her.

She affected so many peoples' lives.

There is a brochure that comes out every year at the Cancer Community Center and every year they have different peoples' pictures in it. People who are or were dealing with the big C. I was asked if I could be one of those people. I later found out I was on the cover! Linda laughed and said we were "cover girls" because the year before she was on the cover too. Linda took me to the program at the center that gives you free makeup and teaches you how to draw on eyebrows and put on makeup so you don't look overly made up. Its a great program called Look Good, Feel Better. She had already been to it years before but she took me anyway. It really meant a lot to me. We laughed as we put on our makeup and tried to not look like clowns.

I'm going to really miss Linda so much.

I have another friend who isn't doing so well right now. She is in a lot of pain and has lost a lot of weight. I hate to see her suffering. She has been and is still a huge support for me. A great friend. I wish I could do something to help.

I have another friend who had a major brain aneurysm and is in rehab. She is only 42 years old but she is a fighter. She is making huge strides. I went to visit her the other day and brought her a tulip.

Sometimes the pain of others is so overwhelming. I am really trying to look at the beautiful things in the world and appreciate what I have. Be grateful. Today however....I'm sad and I'm finding it hard to not feel the pain and grief.

I'm moving at the end of the month and I'm mostly excited about it. There are so many details to figure out and worries to overcome.

I suppose I'm just feeling overwhelmed this morning.

It will pass I'm sure.

I just wanted to express my feelings about my sadness this morning.

I AM very lucky in many many ways....I'm also very sad today.

Winter in Maine

January is a challenging month in Maine.

Winter is definitely upon us. If its not snowing its frigid cold temperatures.

The light is starting to come back but not fast enough for me. Combine all those things and more and it becomes tough.

Then lets add in the devastating situation in Haiti. I am trying not to watch the news too much. It is overwhelming. I tend to soak it all in and become a bit paralyzed with sadness and grief. I wish I was in a position to go help out somehow. I don't have any money to give and don't have the physical strength to do much. It's that helpless feeling.

It seems like most people I know are going through something....sickness, death, money problems....it goes on.

I'm going to have to move from my apartment soon. My living situation isn't good. I have a neighbor who is being very difficult and disrespectful to the point where I've had enough. I'm working on my 4th year here and have had to deal with her. For the most part I've been able to be friendly with her and tolerate her paranoia and hostility, but now she's directing it towards me. It's not a healthy environment for me in every way possible.

I am not sure how i'm going to afford to move or whether my landlord will let me out of my lease early etc....I've got to do something. The energy of my place isn't good anyway, and I need more light and space. Change could be good. Its just not the best time to be moving. Winter in Maine.

I'm also starting a writing class soon. It's more of a therapy-type-group. I have to pay a deductible towards it and do some volunteer work for the rest that my insurance won't cover. I'm sure I'll look back at this time and realize it was a good thing but right now I'm in the midst of the chaos and it feels very unhealthy.

I know there is so much I should be grateful for but it's hard to see that at the moment. I'm really trying to look at the positive.

Maybe I need to start playing the lottery?

Most days lately I wake up and wonder what the point is of my life. Why do things like Haiti and Sudan and so on and so forth, happen? Wrapping my head around it all is too much at times.

Deep breath......

My Horoscope today....

Let's get the worst-case scenario out into the open. You keep looking at some gloomy picture of how things could all go wrong, but you're not exploring this fully enough. You only get half way down the dark road and then, seeing something you feel you can't face, you scamper back to the safety of a tender hope. Finish that mental journey. Look the imaginary monster in the eye then force yourself to envisage going right on past it. A pleasing destination awaits you. Regardless of what happens, you have nothing to fear - but the worst is not going to happen. In fact, this week is due to be pleasing and liberating. (from Jon Cainer--astrologer in England)


More a bit later........

Bah Humbug!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted here.

I am doing my best to try and get into the holiday spirit and not having too much luck.

I really don't like the holidays too much. Growing up it was always stressful and not much has changed. I never have enough money to buy presents for people, no matter how crafty or economic I try to be. I love being able to buy gifts for the people I care for but when it feels "forced" then it gets all crazy.

I've never been a real crafty-type person. I've learned some skills over the years but never felt like I was that good at it and it didn't give me much joy. I told myself that "This year I'm going to make things for people!". Hasn't happened and its two weeks till Christmas.

It's not going to happen.

There have been some illnesses and death lately. That doesnt help either. November seems to always bring bad news.

My Osteopath that I see said that about 80 percent of her clients lately are not in the spirit either and she wished that we could have an alternate world where the people who didn't like the holidays could go and the people who DO like the holidays can go to another world. Sounds good to me.

I DO like some things about the holidays. Some of the Christmas movies are sweet and nostalgic. The good foods that are made at parties are fun. Some of the music is sweet. I especially love A Childs Christmas in Wales.

The overall emotion at this time of year is heavy and sad.

The commercials on t.v. remind me of things I don't have in my life. That special someone to share memories with. The inability to buy the gifts I want to buy for people. So on and so forth. It's all just so depressing and I look forward to December 26th. New Years Eve doesnt seem to bother me too much. Sure it would be nice to have someone to kiss at the stroke of Midnight but I am mostly o.k. with that. It passes pretty quick.

I know this post is un-festive and depressing.....but I figure I'm not alone. There are many people that are lonely this time of year.

I guess I'm one of them.

FALL ALREADY?

So, it's Fall now....feels like Winter with the unusually low temps. Supposed to get back up to normal next week. I'm just not ready. Short Summer, short Fall....I want to fall to the ground and throw a huge tantrum about it!

I am now 40 years old. My mom said that now she can't say she has any children in their 30's anymore. My brother is 6 years older. She does have step children in their 30's.

I have mixed feelings about being 40. Mostly I feel it's just a number and I'm glad I am not in my 20's anymore. The 30's were pretty rough, so mostly I'm looking forward to the 40's. However.....looking at where I'm at in my life it can also be depressing at times.

I spoke with one woman about it the other day and she said that when she hit 40 she thought to herself that finally she can just settle in and relax. She had her marriage and children plus career and now could feel she's entitled to not strive for something more. Just be.

For me? Well, I'm still striving for something and someone.

Not married, no children, no boyfriend. No career. hmmm....a bit depressing huh?

I know that just because one is married with children doesn't mean all is blissfully right in their world. I recognize that some marriages are very challenging and exhausting and some career choices aren't all wonderful too.

The grass is always greener right?

I would just like to look back at my life and be o.k. with what I've accomplished. Ummmm, not so much.

I'm still here and still searching. Maybe my 40's will be full of happy surprises?

Fingers crossed.

Been A Long Time

I have that Led Zeppelin song in my head now...

So, I don't know if anyone is even checking my blog anymore but thought I'd write anyway.

There has been a lot going on but for some reason I haven't felt inspired to talk about it.

There has been camping at music festivals, visiting with friends and family and mostly just trying to stay afloat.

Major computer issues that have mostly been fixed, put me into a panic state for a while.

How can one feel pretty good one minute then something seemingly insignificant happens and all hell breaks loose?

I know of a couple of people who are having a really rough time in treatment. It's hard to witness and not be able to fix or help in some way. All I can offer is an ear.

When I was in treatment that was mostly what helped me the most. Someone to just listen. Not fix or judge, just listen.

I met a new survivor the other day. She's young. I'm guessing in her 20's. I gave her my email. She expressed that her "buddy" isn't really compatible with her. I'm really hoping she contacts me and I can be of some help. She had just had her first chemo and her energy and expression reminded me of ME when I was in the beginning of the cancer journey. Its a bit like a deer in headlights. You go through the motions and sometimes it feels like sleep walking through a nightmare.

I would love to be more social but it's hard when I feel I don't have much positive to say and not much to tell people of what I've been up to. So, why put myself in that uncomfortable situation?

I'm working on my inner self now and that's not always acceptable in our society. Its a lot of "what do you do?'s" and "what have you been up to?"'s.

Since I'm not currently in treatment I think its' hard for some people to understand why i'm not working now.

One woman whom I haven't seen in months and months, who also went through cancer treatment said to me..."I wish I didn't have to work". (strong emphasis on the I), A bit sarcastic and judgmental. I wish I could explain to her that it's not a walk in the park. I am not just sitting around and doing nothing. Not having fun or living it up. No.

I had an interesting experience with a baby Ram the other day. I used my massage therapy skills and gave him a neck and face massage while visiting him at this farm I camped out at. He was so blissed out he almost fell over. His eyes closed to slits, head falling to one side, smile on his face. What a great experience to have. So sweet. I wish he lived closer so I could visit him again soon. Animal therapy can be so powerful. Animals are so responsive and open to love.

Just put one foot in front of the other......