Thoughts......

Hi ya'll

I have a lot of things on my mind and thought I'd write a bit tonight.

My last post caused some anger. That was not my intention but I understand why to a point.

I'm sad.

I know now that I should prepare for more disagreement about my beliefs.

This country is supposed to be about accepting ALL people no matter their religion or race.

What happened to change all that? I feel like it's related to what is happening with my belief. Opinions. Separation of Church and State. Also, compassion for our fellow human beings. Do you really think Jesus would want us to suffer so much at our death? I don't believe it. I don't believe God or Goddess or Buddha or Allah, or ......etc...etc.....believe we need to suffer when we die. Sure some discomfort and sometimes not painful at death but to suffer for months at end with no functions? A body just slowly wasting away? No, don't believe that is true. I believe in a compassionate Universal Energy/Life Force. We don't let our pets suffer but we will let our fellow human beings/family suffer? Don't agree.

I'm sad also because my friend Dan had to go to a hotel room due to being sick. We're hoping that I didn't already catch what he has. I'm trying not to worry too much and focus on the positive.

Clarification as well......

I want to let you all know that I do NOT have a plan to end my life early. There isn't a law to allow me to where I live. The documentary would hopefully help pass the law in my state and in other states.

The idea that me, little ole me, could have an affect in that way is so humbling. Wow! I almost started crying today when I met with a couple who make wonderful films together. They were complimenting me so much it was hard to hear. Maybe I find it foreign? The focus is on ME. Thats intense.

So, lately I'm filled with sadness, grief over things I'm unable to do lately, anger, gratitude, love, joy, ....quite a mix.

I think the holidays are just hard all around, so maybe thats why the roller coaster of emotions is in motion.

I will be glad to have the holidays behind me, mostly. Quiet visiting time, inward time, Kapha time, ....when everything is going into hibernation or dying. Thats my speed right now. Slow.

I would love to read some comments to know who is reading this. Hint, hint, hint.....

Peace and Love

:)

Documentary

Hi ya'll

Busy busy busy time of year huh? WOW! I have been wanting to write sooner but too much running around has exhausted me.

I finally took a day off. My dear friend Dan is here from England and he's currently sleeping. Jet lag is rough sometimes.

I have been bubbling with excitement about a possible documentary that may be born soon!

I watched a documentary called "How to Die in Oregon" that really moved me, touched a deep place. I was also very fired up and wanting to get involved in some way if at all possible. I sent out an email to lots of peeps I know asking if they knew of any local Doc Film makers who I could speak with.....

So, right away I got two names. I have met with one woman and her boyfriend who does some of the cinematography and they are wonderful! I will also meet with another woman film maker and her husband who is also a cinematographer on Thursday. I will have to make a tough decision this coming weekend. I'm sure sitting with the choice and meditating on it, will bring me to the right decision for me and this project.

Whats the project you ask?

Well, let me tell you. :)

The documentary I mentioned above is mainly focused on the law that was passed in Oregon in 1994 called the "Death with Dignity Act". Basically the film showed a few people who mostly decided to use the law to their favor. There is one woman whom I especially related to in some ways. She was in her 50's, with a husband and two children. She had fought for her life earlier and was in a coma for a bit, was in severe pain, did all the treatment suggested and so forth. Then later on her cancer came back. She decided, as I did, to not go thru all that chemo and other drugs again. The percentage of remission was so small and so forth.

So, what the law states if I am just learning from the film, don't quote me, is that a local company/organization/group comes to your house, does a bunch of interviews, signs papers, sees if the person even qualifies and so forth. Then after that, a doctor will write a prescription for some drugs that when mixed with water and drunk, the person will go into a sort of coma and then drift away and die. The organization also comes into the home right before the drugs are taken and the person is asked once again if this is the choice they want to make and that they don't have to etc....

The person who wants to drink the drink, does so themselves. Its not a Kevorkian method where the doctor injects the person.

There is currently no law in the state of Maine to allow this humane (in my opinion) process to occur legally. Infuriates me!

We will allow our pets and other animals get "put down" to put them out of their misery and so forth, but we can't allow humans to make the same choice for themselves? Suffering and horrible quality of life is a huge issue that needs to be out there more.

Thats where I come in.

So far it seems both film makers I will meet with, agree that there is a story here. Filming me at my young-ish age, :), going thru what I am and how already my quality of life is going down hill. I certainly would NOT take the drink now. I feel I have pretty good quality of life and am not ready to go yet.

I am grieving the activities I am not able to do anymore and thats been challenging to accept.

I can't get/buy anything out in the world without someone elses' help. I can't walk around the block without being extremely out of breath etc.... you get the idea. But still I'm not suffering too much and can still do plenty.

I want to show the "other side" of the story to people, and show them why I would want this law passed. Maybe interviews with my family and friends would show people that this affects everyone who is involved in my life, in some way.

I will stop here, I know its getting to be a novel, lol.....

I will update you all on what decision I come to and what is next. We could start filming next week!
Yikes!! Exciting and scary all at once.!

But maybe, just maybe.....my story can help others in the future....wow! ! That would make me smile from the other side with so much JOY!!

Blessings to all of you and remember to love one another

Choices Choices Choices

Last night I was able to make it to an event that only happens once a year called "Ocean of OM".

It was so wonderful!! My friend Nancy came over beforehand and did quite a few things for me and then helped me get to the event. I wasn't sure I could make it. Evenings are challenging for me now.

So, what is ocean of OM you ask? Well, I'll tell you. :P

About 30-40? people were there in a yoga studio chanting OM in rounds for an hour while a digeridoo,  gongs and singing bowls, drums and chimes were played around us. Ahhhhhhh.......the energy was beautiful and calming. My friend Nancy said she thought it sounded sad. Every person probably had their own interpretation of it. I laid down for most of it and tried to OM a bit. My voice was almost gone. Laying there felt like I was on a wave of sound, cradling me and waves would lift me up and place me back down again.

Healing

It is so hard to choose what to do each day and esp each weekend. There is SO much going on as you all probably are experiencing the same thing. There are concerts, craft fairs, parties, events.....happening all at once it seems. Choices have to be made.

Yesterday my brother Jason had a music concert he was a part of that I had to miss. So sad....

Today is a special event where the kids of families create the manger scene in a barn outside with real animals etc... My nieces and nephews (some of them) are in it. I just can't do it.

I really want to go to my favorite craft fair that is happening today. Last year I got about 5 presents there. Its local artists and craftspeople which I love to support. I saw the ad for it saying its Indie Art. Thats a good way of putting it. It really is.

I'm just not sure I should go. Its usually a mad house and loud and you feel like cattle being herded thru stalls. Not a lot of room to stop and check things out.

So, I'm not sure what to do.

Its bad enough to have cancer but then to have a cold on top of it somehow feels cruel.

sigh.....what to do what to do?

I'm going to sit and meditate on it and see what answer or feeling I get around today.

Day to day is what I have to do now. Hard to plan anything. My new life.

I hope you all can find beautiful moments within all the noise of this season.

Blessings to you all!

The LASTS

Hi ya'll!

I had meant to post much sooner than this. I hope there are still some readers out there. :)

So, whats' been happening with you all?

I had a lovely Thanksgiving with my mom, stepdad, brother and his two boys. My mom made a healthy not too overwhelming yummy meal. One thing that I love she made even though she can't eat it due to her allergies. She must love me huh? Sweet Potato Pudding. Yum!!

I got to spend a little alone time with my oldest nephew and that was so special to me. I gave him some pics of him when he was a baby in NYC. He had a smile from ear to ear looking at them. Made me so happy. His little brother is getting a lot of attention lately due to being diagnosed with Aspergers. I wanted so much to let my oldest nephew know that he is special too and that I see him. Really see him.

Its hard to think about how that was my last T-giving, my last birthday in October, now my last Christmas and New Years. I'm tired of the "lasts".

I really DO try to focus on being in the moment and not trying to make anything super special just because it may be my last whatever. I think if one forces things to happen, they really don't come out the way that you planned. Sometimes the most magical moments happen when you least expect it. I just try to stay open to receiving them and letting them happen.

Example.....
Last Sunday I was in NH visiting my dearest Nancy for the weekend, and we had brunch with a bunch of wonderful ladies I hadn't seen in quite some time. One of those ladies is a bit older than me and very "tuned-in". What do I mean by tuned in? Well, she is a person who seems to be sensitive to energies around her including spirits who have passed. She also communicates with animals. She makes extraordinary jewelry as well. We were all saying our goodbyes in the restaurant and she hugged me and started singing in my ear. "All will be well.....etc...." and when I looked at her she kept singing and I just started crying. In the restaurant. At first I was self conscious and wanted to stop it all, but then I quickly thought....no, I am going to let this happen however its meant to happen. I ended up releasing tears that needed to come out. Didn't matter that we were in public. It was a special moment I won't forget.

Ok, so now to the yucky part....whats going on with me physically?

After I got back from my weekend away, Monday morning I felt like someone had ran over me with a truck. Ok, I exaggerate a bit. But wow, it was extreme pain. I couldn't seem to get rid of it. No matter what I did. By the time I was getting ready for bed I started to feel a bit better.

I woke up Tuesday and the pain was definitely less. But....I got a cold. Damn!

I am pretty sure its just a simple cold and will be gone in no time. My fear is it will travel to my lungs and so forth....I'm going to focus on it going away. I'm taking all kinds of things (natural) to help move it along. Fingers crossed.

I was told by my hospice nurse that if I have a lot going on one day that I may need to recover for a day or two. Now I get what she was talking about. WOW-ser!

I really thought I was taking it somewhat easy in NH but apparently not. I got to play with a seven week old puppy and that was so much fun and a bit exhausting but worth it. I love being at Nancys little red cottage in the woods. She has a wood stove and on Saturday it was snowing, so we sat by the warmth and watched the snow fall. So wonderful.

Again.....I wonder if its the last time I will be there. I hope not.

So, my message today is so cliche' but so true. If you can somehow imagine that this may be the last time you get to do something that you love, then take it ALL in, drink it in fully. Appreciating the moments as they unfold before you.

Blessed Be to All!

Holidays are a comin'

Hi Everyone!

So, I titled this post as Holidays are a comin' because they are. LOL,

I can't really wrap my head around the fact that Thanksgiving is next week, wow!

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a bubble and once in a while I poke my head outside and discover what's going on out "there".

Time is so different for me now.

It seems slower and just different.

I usually get a bit depressed this time of year. The holidays have been known to be stress-filled and hectic from my child hood till about 5 years ago or so. Its the usual pressures of having to buy presents when I have little money and am not a really crafty person. So making gifts just doesn't seem to happen with me. I will vow some years to make an effort to make my presents. Candles, or food gifts or home made cards, or special oils filled with herbs....the list goes on. What about knitting? I was able to make scarves and thats about it. So, making something doesn't work for me.

So, this year is different for many obvious reasons. The stress is still there a bit but its more about the unknown aspects like.....will I make it till Christmas? I don't want to die too near to the holidays cuz that leaves my family and friends with a depressing anniversary date to deal with. Not fair.

Then on the other hand I would love to share some special times at Christmas. We're not going to give gifts to any adults in my family except maybe my dad and stepmom and then some of the children, but other than that, no gifts. I'm not sure I'll be able to do much this year in that department, since its hard to get out and about to shop,  but want to share time with my family. Visits are so important to me now.

The only material thing I wish I had now is a newer laptop so I can look at my photos. My current laptop doesn't read discs of any kind, so I can't upload my pics into it.

But other than that I don't need anything.

Just love.

My body is tired and the pain is increasing. I feel bad when I tell my family this cuz the look on their faces makes my heart sink. I don't want to upset anyone but it IS my reality and I AM a truth teller, so keeping it all to myself just won't work for me. I would love some support so in order to get that support I need to be honest with everyone. I don't want to and have not been wallowing in it all, but a reality check is ok once in a while.

I was really bummed out last night cuz I once again couldn't go to Kirtan. It seems I can't do anything in the evenings anymore. Makes me very very sad and very very frustrated. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Kirtan!! sigh.....

Acceptance.....

On a positive note.....Thanksgiving will be special this year. Usually my dad and step mom go to Florida for T-giving and the rest of us do our usual thing. I have been going to my friend Nancys' sisters' house. They are so wonderful, Nancys family, they are like a second family to me. They have wonderful animals as well. I've taken many photos of their horses and sheep and chickens/rooster, and dogs.

My brother will do something low key with his girlfriend and so forth. My mom and stepdad usually just have a nice dinner out or at home. I've also had many T-givings at home and it was nice actually. I would watch the Macys parade and then the dog show and it was peaceful.

This year.....my brother, his girlfriend and his two boys can't make it for Christmas so some of them are coming on T-giving. My mom is going to make a big dinner for us. First T-giving with my mom in more years than I can remember. My mom, stepdad, brother and his two boys will be it. Nice intimate time.

Some family members have asked what I want to do for Christmas and even suggested we drive to where my brother lives, but I just can't plan on anything right now and I don't foresee me traveling 4 hours each way to see my brother and not be able to go out to dinner with everyone and just hang out at my brothers home? No, I just don't see it happening. I wish I could but my body has other plans I believe. Its hard to say no, but its reality. Keeping it REAL right?

I am truly living day to day and appreciating so much around me and especially all the visits I have. I treasure those times.

Blessed Be to you all!

Post Dolphin Adventure

Hi Ya'll

I was hesitant to post lately due to my emotional state. I thought I "shouldn't" post unless I was happy and positive and still "high" from the dolphin trip.

So, as I like to say.....to Keep It Real.....I need to be honest with you all.

I'm struggling a bit.

My body did not get healed from the dolphin trip but my soul and spirit definitely did.

Part of me was hoping that maybe, just maybe the trip would heal my body.

Not meant to be and that's really ok.

I was keeping an open mind about whatever needed to happen. It was still SO worth going.

I told the owner, Deena, and Kimberly and Meghan that even if I ended up in the hospital after the trip, that it was totally worth it. So true.

I met with my Oncologist two days ago and he listened to my lungs. My right one is still diminished but not horribly. I can definitely tell things have progressed. Due to the pain and fatigue being amped up.He seemed positive about where I am at. Saying that no action is required now, so thats something.

I"m taking more pain meds more often. I don't like to do that normally, but in this situation I really have no choice unless I want to be irritable and unable to really socialize or function well.

Part of me says to myself "doesn't matter what you eat or drink or whatever....you'll be dead soon, why not just do whatever you want to do?!"

Then the other part of me says...."yeah, but if I only eat chocolate cake and drink alcohol and whatever else I want to do, it will make me ever more ill and miserable, so if I can eat a bit better than maybe my mood will be better and my body won't react badly.....", then its the balance of not depriving myself and allowing myself to have whatever I want.....Its an interesting balance to try and achieve.

A friend asked me not too long ago, a few people actually, what my next thing on my bucket list is. I really can't think of anything now, except to meet Michael Franti. Now that would be amazing!!!! Sure I had lots and lots of bucket list items but none of them I can do now. It involves lots of travel and money.

Some people do ask what they can do since they live so far away and can't physically help....so, I'm telling people that if they want to donate financially, that would be very helpful. I have to save money for end of life expenses and possibly a cleaning company, but most importantly for me....is money to have in case I need to hire a PCA (personal care attendant/assistant) for over nights. PCA's cost anywhere from $15.00 to $25.00 per hour! Thats about $175.00 per night. wow! So, if you want to donate please send me the checks/cash, thank you so much. I am not asking for money but if people want to do something, then this is it! :)

I feel like what matters now is relationships. Visiting with people that I love and care about.

I have traveled so much in my lifetime and been thru so much that now I just want to relax and just catch up with others and remember good times. Look at photo albums and laugh, create art, listen to music, play cribbage. Thats what makes me happy now.

I wish I could add more time..... as my bucket list thing to want......or to fall in love again.....that would be wonderful.

I am grateful for all that I DO have and realize in so many many ways I am a very fortunate person.

*picture is of me kissing Squirt, you can see her baby to my left, named Tashi, only about 3 months old, see Squirts eye is closed, so sweet! Amazing experience!!

Dolphin Land Part Two

This is a picture that Bella/Maya painted for me. I really believe she was thinking about every stroke she made. The reason I'm laughing so hard is that at the end, Bella painted my hand and nose. The owner and trainers said they hadn't seen a dolphin do that with someone before. I felt like she was laughing at me or with me. So sweet! I just watched her eye as she painted each stroke. I gently spoke with her as she was painting. I just loved Bellas' energy. Joy-filled and Love-filled!

I don't believe I mentioned Bob.

There are 4 adult dolphins and one baby dolphin in their pod. One male and his harem of 3 ladies. LOL.

Did you know that dolphins are one of possibly only two mammals that have sex for pleasure. Other than humans of course, and I believe bonobo chimps/monkeys are the other one. Tina.....help me out here. Tina is the chimp/monkey expert that I know. She at least knows WAY more than I do.

So, Bob will have his fun with the ladies from time to time. There is a corner of the area that is kept pretty safe from any humans, its a special corner where I think Momma Squirt nurses her baby Tashi and also where a lot of procreating and fun happens. LOL

So, Bob can be a bit frisky at times. The trainers are there to watch the dolphins and guide us in the water as to where to go. A couple of times the dolphins were doing summersaults and being a bit aggressive with their "playing" that they were a bit dangerous to be around. 6,000 pounds or so of dolphins splashing around near you is a bit scary.

So, I had an interesting moment with Bob. The first day my brother Mark and I got to be close to the dolphins and touch them etc.... Then the next two days were supposed to be the "natural swim"only. So the first time I got in the water for the natural swim on the second day I was a bit nervous. I didn't know what to expect so I was excited too. I got my snorkel mask on and flippers. I had never used flippers before. They seemed awkward and hard to use. I found out the next day that I really should have gone down a size. So I was testing out the mask to see if it was sealed ok and so forth. I was standing up right. My brother had jumped in already and saw underwater what was about to happen. I had no idea.

All of a sudden I feel this bump on my back, then AGAIN! BUMP! A bit aggressive but it didn't hurt. I just didn't know if it meant anything. Should I swim away from him? Should I get out of the water? What was going on? So with my being so nervous the owner Deena got in the water with me to guide me around.

My brother Mark had seen the whole thing. He said Bob was also standing up and not swimming into my back, just used his head to bump his nose on my back. Deena said that she thinks Bob wanted me to get on my belly and swim with him.

Later on that night Mark and I were joking about it. Saying maybe Bob wanted to bring me to his "special corner", NO MARK!! I was yelling at him as little sisters do. LOL, then we got talking about how sensitive dolphins can be. If there is a pregnant woman in the water, dolphins will give her a wide birth, (no pun intended), and not get near her out of respect. Also, dolphins have been known to point out places on a person who has cancer. They would touch a certain place on the persons body, they would then get a scan and discover a tumor. So we got talking that maybe, just maybe, Bob was pointing out the cancer in my back. The middle area where he touched is probably the most vulnerable place the cancer is at right now. It was the first place to have the most pain in the beginning. So, what if Bob was just saying, "hey, there's something wrong here!", or maybe he was just wanting to play or swim as Deena mentioned. Maybe a little healing? Who knows? I like to keep the wonder about....I love to wonder about lots of things and lots of scenarios and possibilities. I tend to have a very open mind with most everything. I would never claim to have all the answers to anything really. Humans are just a speck in the Universe and Universes out there.

To hear the noises/talking from the dolphins underwater was something special too. When there is a new object put into the water, the dolphins will echo-sound-it. Can't remember the term for it. Sonar sound to bounce off the object to identify what it is or maybe whether or not its a threat. So every time a new object came into the water, I heard so much sound. VERY MAGICAL! Then to see the dolphins just swimming around me at will. The natural swim is where we don't touch the dolphins at all. They choose to come up to us and we still can't touch them. The dolphins come first. Their needs are first as it should be.

I mentioned to some people that with the murky ocean water, with living floating beings all around us, I got stung by some baby jellyfish, and not being able to see about a foot in front of us, all we needed was some Jaws music. It was so quiet under the water. All of a sudden a huge dolphin is quickly swimming past your head. WOW! The baby Tashi stopped a few times and just hovered there, looking at me. We were told to look at them from the side, since there eyes are on the side and they can't see in front of them directly. A bit like horses I suspect. So we would look at one another from our side eyes. So lovely and surreal.

Hopefully soon I'll post more about the art we created there and much more.....stay tuned!