Changes Aren't Always Bad

Hi Ya'll

I know I've been a bit quiet here on my Blog Page.

Things have been churning and mixing around me and in my head. Lots of physical changes and also spiritual changes are happening within me and around me.

Lets get the physical changes out of the way.....I know they can be boring or maybe a bit scary, depending on who is reading the info.

So, the pain.....yes, the pain again....its here to stay unfortunately. The pain I believe will always be here but it can be managed to a point where it feels like someone is holding me and whispering in my ear. Or it can be someone shaking my shoulders and screaming in my ear. Depends on the day and depends on the activity I am doing.

Maybe that doesn't make sense?

So, an example. If I do my dishes, clean the litterbox, fold my clean laundry that someone most graciously cleaned for me, then changed the sheets on my bed. That could, believe it or not, lead to the someone shaking my shoulders. That can be too much for me to do. It seems like such a simple thing to do right? Well, this is what I am learning. .....that its not simple anymore. My "new" life is not simple any more.  sigh......

ok,....so, how should I react to this?

There are no SHOULDS......lets say this again.......THERE ARE NO SHOULDS!! Thats better!

It is all personal. For me.....the pain is pretty intense. My social worker and nurse have both stated that the pain is pretty significant and I need to keep a gentle watch over what I do. A PICC Line looks like at sometime soon, will be put in. I"ve decided only recently that this will happen.

I want to do do do........but if I do do do.....I will pay pay pay....physically and emotionally.

I have had lots of emotional ups and downs lately as well.

I want to fight the pain and make it go away or make it not exist or make it just be different.

I"m not sure I'm making a whole lot of sense. I try to explain things on a physical level as well on a emotional level. I am having to let go of how I used to be. What I used to be able to do is no longer there.

I wanted to be at a wonderful gathering for ME on Sunday. I got ready with help from my dear friend Nancy and if we both had really checked in with me and with how I was physically and mentally, we both would have come to the conclusion that I was in no shape at ALL to be at a fairly big social gathering. Even if it is full of LOVE and for lil ole ME, it was not going to happen. , for me anyway.

I was stubborn and went anyway.....both Nancy and I , I believe, were in a sense of denial. This is what we have been used to me being able to do for years. Why change now?

Well, after about 20 mins to a half hour of being there, I about lost my jelly beans......It was like I was in someone elses' body. I was no longer there. I was completely overwhelmed.

I had to go to a small room in the back of the Center we were all gathered at and just breathed and then Nancy came in after I asked her to and I bawled my eyes out over and over and over and over and over again......

I was bawling because I knew I couldn't be there, I was bawling because I knew that was the last time I could EVER do anything like that again, EVER. No more gatherings of that sort again.

Another loss for me to deal with.

Letting go of something else.

The pain, the medications, the cancer progression.....its just so high and heavy that all I can handle now are small one on one meetings/visits.

This is VERY hard for me to accept into my mind and soul.

Every day I have a loss to deal with. This is a big one.

So many WONDERFUL people were there for me. I was and am still so very grateful for their presence and their willingness to be there for ME.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul for your love and giving of so much.

After I got home and Nancy "tucked me in bed", with a xanex of course, .>>LOL....I did need a half of one to stop shaking. , I could really feel the love from everyone who was still at the Center having fun meeting one another and talking about things that are concerning eachother. After all it is a community of peeps that are supporting one another too. If there are any issues, they are there for each other. I"m so happy that that is the case. People helping one another is wonderful. It is so important when there is someone dying. To have support from others.

My father and my step mom were able to make it too, which was a total surprise. Thank you Dad and Sue!

So, there are lots of losses happening, but also lots of healing happening for me, I saw my wonderful Polarity Goddess Marsha, yesterday, and was able to receive so much healing on so many levels. I am so so happy and grateful for her incredible giving and presence for me in so many ways.

I could go on about that.....but maybe another time....

I just wanted you all to know that I'm doing ok...its been rough and I'm having to let go of so much, but that I'm gaining an incredible amount as well.

I'm learning to let go of things too. Trusting that even if I wasn't at the party/gathering, that it still went on and it was still good for everyone. I am so happy.

Trusting that things can still happen without me, in a good way. I'm not forgotten either. Its a lesson I"m learning. Letting go.

I'm still learning to do so.

I'm in pain, I'm also happy, I"m letting go of some control and yet can still be happy.  So much learning and so much healing of my soul and spirit. Saying NO when I need to and having that be ok, people understanding that its not personal, its me taking care of me.

Today there is going to be another wonderful meeting with my hospice nurse and social worker meeting at my mom and step dads house to give some updates from their points of view of how THEY see things going with me lately. I may be able to tell people there how I see things going. It gives people a chance to ask questions of their own as well.

I'm just SO happy that there are many opportunities where people can communicate with one another and from people in the Hospice Community as well. Communication is something I feel has been tough for my family on some levels. At least for me. So to see this happening on so many different levels has been teaching for me for sure, wow! WONDERFUL!!

I woke up today with so much gratitude and love for others in my world and the world around me.

Thats how I wish to wake up every morning.

I am grateful for all of YOU who read my blog, thank you!

Blessings to you all!

And have you seen the flowers bursting thru the soil? Magic!!!!

A New Day

Hi Followers


I love you ALL!!!

Its a New Day!

The last few days, or maybe weeks have been really really rough, physically, emotionally, spiritually, you name it.....rough rough rough....

But, today is a new day!!!

I am going off of the steroids which I know has been making me crazy and making others' crazy too, LOL...

In a few more days that will be out of my system and I will hopefully feel much better on one level.

Now I'm still debating the PICC line.....sigh.....

I spoke with my Soc Worker who then called up the people you call up to ask questions about things like this. I got most of my answers but so much is unknown. Just like whats been going on in my life lately.

Unknown....

More later.....

Smoooooooch!

Gettin' Late

Hi Ya'll

Well, it's getting late here and my eyes are crossing but I was/am determined to post something before I went to bed.

I just tried to change my cover photo to something recent like the one I posted in my last post, but I am not a techy person, so I spent too much time trying to figure that one out and used up too much energy. If anyone can guide me to how I can change my picture, that would be awesome! ;)

So, Pain is still bad but a slow slow increase of good is happening. Today is the first day in days that I can type without crying trying to do so due to pain.

I did the dishes and cleaned off the top of my stove that took around 15 minutes and practically ran back to my hospital bed to collapse and do some deep breathing to settle myself down and not scream my head off from pain. Plus the pain makes my breathing harder to manage.

So, that is actually an improvement from yesterday which I was up to around 5 mins.

Being bed bound is not fun. Especially being alone and having a demanding cat, ..".yes you Stewie, you are".....why can't cats seem to get it when you can't drop everything to serve them and forget about YOUR needs? LOL, its true. He looks at me like everything is fine and why can't I brush him for 10 mins like I usually do every day!? I try to reason with him but no.....

Yes, i've gone a bit nutty from this whole living alone and trying to stay sane.

I do have some lovely people come visit me and help me out.

Today I had an AMAZING reiki session from Star Cat, she is incredible!! I saw some visions that knocked me out. I wasn't on any trippy drugs other than the ones i've been on, i don't count them as giving the same effects. In any case, I saw some things that were so beautiful and hopeful. Some forms of people who were all connected and in some ways were telling me that we are ALL connected in lots of different ways. I can't get into all of the session, but I know that it was really great and I'm so grateful for her and for so many wonderful people in my life.

Today I was pretty sad for a lot of the day. People were out and about saying how gorgeous it was out there and how I should get out. Not knowing that thats what I'd LOVE to do but cannot. I'm trying to keep my spirits up.

I asked people on my private site that is organized to help me out with chores and visit organizations and so forth, to bring me over some leftover Easter candy and ....be careful what you ask for. I got some today already and I know I'm getting more. I think I may have to give a lot of it away. Its really sweet of them. I know I am loved.

My mourning doves are very active lately, cooing like crazy out my window. So pretty to hear. Spring is here.

I really wasn't sure I was going to make it till Spring. Here I am. The bulbs are bursting up thru the soil. I hope I can see some soon. Flowers coming up thru the ground.

So, I'm off to sleep. I have a new medicine regimen. I wake up at 4am for my first med intake. Fun times......but it could be a magical time too. We'll see.

Happy Easter Ya'll!

Keeping it Real?

Hi Ya'll

A couple of people have said that they want more posts from me lately. I haven't been posting enough I guess?

Well, lots of physical issues have been coming up and I haven't been sure that these issues should be discussed on my blog or not. When does it cross the line to "keep it real'? or does it ever cross the line? I'm putting this question out there to you all and I welcome your feedback.

I ask my family and friends to keep it real but then I hold back on certain things. Especially what my body has been experiencing. Does that mean I'm not keeping it real enough for you all? Or is it ok to keep some things private?

So, I've decided to share some of whats been happening and see how it feels to me to share it and go from there. Maybe I'll share it all, who knows? Its real life right? The physical issues are real and some people will be going thru them so why not put them out there in case people who are just starting out on this journey will be prepared for the possibility of having these same issues come up for them?

So, I'm taking a deep breath and here we go.......warning to people who get grossed out or upset by hearing about bathroom issues, you may want to skip ahead or just be prepared.

I'm still avoiding aren't I ...... LOL

Ok.....so, I had a bowel obstruction about what....a month or so ago? Not exactly sure when, my time gauging is not very good lately. So the bowel obstruction meant that my bowels got so impacted that I had to have help getting the bowels out of my body. Enemas, colace tablets, miralax, more enemas, more enemas...did i say more enemas....yep, even more....didn't work!! Some people have had to go to the hospital due to the pain and compaction. I almost had to go. The Indignity of it all was almost as bad as the pain. My mom said she experienced a smaller dose of what I went thru at one point. It is worse, I've been told, than having a baby, the contractions and pain are beyond description. The indignity of it was due to having one or more people taking turns trying to get the bowels out of my bottom. Gloves on and digging in. Horrific!!!! After the nurse left she thought it was all out and I should have been fine, but i had two more horrible times on my own of getting more hard stools out of my body. My nurse has had many many times of experience doing this over the many years of her working as a nurse and she's never seen it be so bad. Oh wonderful! I get another award for being the "best" at something else I didn't want to be the best or worst at. LOL

So, it took about a week after that until my system was calmed down enough to work on its own without cramps or pain or burning.

So, I started taking a lot of things to help prevent this from happening again. Why did it happen? Mostly due to the medications I have been on. They will do this to you for a long time unless measures are taken. So, my body had then wanted to go in the other direction. A bit of diarrhea so I went off of the colace and just stayed on the miralax.

Ok, so lately.....I haven't have too many problems with that. Whew.....thats over right? well, no, not exactly.

What happened recently, which I hope I won't start crying all over my keyboard, was that I was told to wear a pad or those pretend underwear, diapers for adults, until the issue is more balanced. I went to a drugstore and was so tired from all the meds and also felt like I was sleep walking to the aisle where the pads/incontinence underwear was kept. I stared at the underwear. Looking at all the choices. What size do I need? What color, what brand, what .....the hell am I doing in this F-ing aisle!!? I was literally dizzy. I couldn't believe that me, a 43 year old woman was looking at what brand of diapers to pick out for herself. WOW! I finally after minutes of staring, put a package of purple, my favorite color, had to laugh at that one, underwear into my basket. I actually tried to hide the big package with my other small items that could never come close to hiding them. I was starting to feel very emotional. The numbness was over and was moving to the emotion phase. I knew I needed to check out and get the hell out of the store and into my friends car. I saw my friend and told her that I had to get to her car. I had checked out with this young 20 something year old man waiting on me. I was hoping he assumed I was buying them for my grandmother. Who cares what he thinks right?

I had to tell my friend what was going on, and that was embarrassing. She of course understood. She had to wait for some pictures to print out, so I had to tell her I needed her keys to go to her car and cry if I needed to. She was wonderful and brought my stuff to her car and came back. I took the keys and sat in her car. I didn't cry, but felt safe just being out of sight of others. Who i"m sure had not idea of what was happening to me. Its just my fear and just MY anxiety.

I had gone one week wearing them and nothing happened so I thought, what a waste, I'm going to just wear my regular underwear now. And just like Murphys Law or some kind of law, can't remember which one, I woke up at 3am and went to the bathroom. I touched my bum area and I discovered that I had had a bowel movement. OMFG! I started crying and stared at the mirror. WHY?!!! I couldn't believe it. I had to hand wash my clothes and then take a shower with my shower cap on at 3:30 am, tired and in so much physical pain. Crying over and over. Alone.

Is this real enough for ya'll? I hope its not too disturbing and upsetting. I decided that I needed to tell the story. This is part of the indignity I was trying to tell the filmmakers I have worked with, about. There is so much more I know I'll be going thru. This is enough for one day.

I figured why not tell it. Maybe these words will be helpful for someone or someones' family member who may be going thru this experience in the future. It is so awful but its necessary. It's normal when ones' bowels are not working properly. Things happen.

So, today I'm going to spend some time with my wonderful brother who made another trip up to see me this weekend. We're going to see our dad and stepmom Sue and maybe have some local potato made donuts, yummmm.....

I will try not to think about the awful times i've had lately and just focus on the grateful times I've had recently. So many wonderful times. Every single day I am so grateful for what I am still capable to do.

Yesterday I cried in my brothers arms because I was happy he was there and I was taking pictures of some beautiful scenery and I knew that soon I would not be able to do that. I was still taking in all the beauty and still being able to be grateful for still being able to do that.

All around me and all around you is beauty, if only we just stop and look and listen. You'll see it.

Thank you for reading about my ups and downs kind of journey.

Love to you all today!

I can't wait to have a dark chocolate donut with sea salt, yummmm! The donut place is called The Holy Donut. Amazingly good donuts and on the edge of being healthy. Maine potato made and some have savory ingredients, like the bacon and cheddar donut, warmed up.....yuuuummmmy! :)

Did I also mention that two more baby goats have been born at Wolfes Neck Farm in Freeport, Maine? So exciting! I hope to go see them asap. I also got a picture via email of "my" dear dolphin Bellas' baby dolphin via ultrasound. I can't really see whats what but to know i'm looking at her baby makes me so incredibly happy. I wonder if she'll be names Maya.

Blessings every day. Oh, and one more thing I promise....LOL....I got a major change of my hair, new doo, maybe I can upload here, I'll try it and see what happens. I am so happy to change things up yet again. Why not? Live life and your hair will grow back right? Dark chocolate sea salt donut smooches to you all!

Saturday March 16th, 2013/Stewie

So, I've been told that today things in the sky and elsewhere are shifting about. Moving faster due to Aries hitting my Uranus? Not sure now. My memory is crap. I have two other friends who say basically the 16th, I should buckle up my seatbelts. We're off!

I went to see my amazing Polarity Therapist two days ago to get balanced and she always brings me back to center. To see what is really going on, spiritually anyway.

Marsha is very tuned in to whats happening to me now. It is very validating and ensuring that things will be as they are "supposed" to be. That doesn't mean all happy and cheerful. But it doesnt mean all doom and gloom either. I look at it as a few more lessons at school to learn.

I was telling someone the other day that just because i'm dying, doesn't mean I'm finished learning and can just lay back and do nothing.I have more things to learn or to teach others. I discovered one lesson yesterday when i was getting my apt cleaned by a wonderful woman and sometimes her husband. You just never know when or if the lessons are for you or for the other people involved.

I also mentioned to my Polarity goddess that I don't want the pain that comes with the learning anymore. Can't I be done with that now? Sometimes experiencing the intense pain brings us to the level that we need to get to, to be able to feel what is necessary. I'm still working on accepting  that lesson. :)

Right now I am truly not afraid of dying, I believe the place I'm going to is extremely beautiful,. Its the pain and the having to say the goodbyes, that's the just awful part.

Thats the part I have always hated. Goodbyes to people I care for tremendously.

I know I'll see everyone again , If I choose to see people again they will be easy to see. If they also want to see me. I was told Stuart will see me right away, along with many many others who have crossed over due to cancer and other ways. I'll be surrounded by light and love.

I'm so curious how it all "works' over there on the other side. How do we all get to the places we need to get to? I'm sure I'll learn it all when I make it to the place I need to be at.

With the help of all of you who support me in whatever way you can. Prayer, healing light, whichever way. Its the intention that makes it possible for me and others to cross over.

Its all getting so heavy lately. Thats the place i'm heading for so why not talk about it now?

I'd love to hear any kind of stories of encounters of spirits of loved ones or of spirits of people unknown that you may have had moments or encounters with, I'd love to hear all about it.

Thats it for now. I'm going to try and rest, get balanced on these new meds and hopefully be more present for visitors and life in general.

Today I get to see my little niece later on today with her momma. Loving and tuned in this little girl is too, it can be remarkable to be around her just to witness what she says and does.

I am also putting out a notice to say that I'm having to put my cat up for adoption. I'm really really upset about it all. I know I have wonderful friends who would help me out but i think I need to see if a "perfect" situation comes up to the forefront first. I just don't know HOW i'm going to say goodbye to my Angel Boy. He's been there for me for many hard hard times. I know it will have to be done, but just not now.

Its all so overwhelming at times, but i'm taking it day to day and so far I haven't totally messed things up. LOL

I hope you all are still hanging in there with me for this crazy ride and hope-filled journey.

Thank you so very much!

xoxoxo

Pain and Fatigue

Thats really all there is to say right now....

Pain and fatigue

I'm hoping the medication increase will balance out soon and then both things will be
gone or at least managable.

Will write soon when I'm able to

love you all out there!

xo

Pain Pain Pain

Well, Pain is back again with a vengeance !! Something is going on that I can't figure out so
yesterday I went to my primary care doctors office to see her nurse. Don't think I"ve seen my actual
doctor since 2011 or more. Anyway, I had to deal with some urinary track stuff and also asked if I could have an X-Ray to see if I've fractured anything due to the enormous pain I'm currently in. The nurse finally agreed and hopefully today I'll find out what the results are, if any. Not sure what would happen next. I just want to know whats happening ya know?

I can't even use my right arm much because it then hurts the area on my back shoulder blade area right away. I am learning to use my left arm and hand to do most things. I have a couple of left handed friends and one who uses both for the most part. I figure at least I can try something new. :)

I just hate having pain that is getting in the way of my living and visiting with people.

This coming weekend I"m seeing my dear friend from when we used to be neighbors and friends in NC while I was in massage school. She is now living back in New Orleans. Anyhow....she is coming up to see me this weekend and I"m so afraid that I'll be so out of it by being drugged up that she'll be sitting around watching me sleep. I don't want that to happen! Not now!!

Sigh.....

Its out of my control at the moment and I'm just praying that this pain will subside soon.

My nurse has increased the morphine even before the pain started and it isn't working at all. I've tried Icing, made it so much worse, I've tried massaging it myself and using a strong pain tincture, nothing is working. FRUSTRATING!!!

Ok, I'm done with that. I just hate it when it overshadows the rest of my life. Very annoying.

I do hope you all are feeling well and enjoying this March so far.

Love and Laughter and Joy to you all!

This photo was taken by my mom when we were visiting Wolfes Neck Farm. I love the animals there. They are so healing. They seemed to be in line waiting to be scratched on the nose, :)