Day Nine

Walked to rads today, it was incredibly foggy out. I live near the ocean so sometimes the air is thick with moisture. The smell of the sea can be refreshing, take you back to some other time and place. When a friend of mine was visiting last weekend, she mentioned how much she could smell the sea. I hadnt noticed it too much, i guess i get used to it. I appreciate how some people would give their right arm to live where i do. Its easy to take some things for granted. After being diagnosed I’ve noticed things I am greatful for that I may not have noticed before, the little things, and the big things.

The older man whom i saw yesterday was there when i got to the hospital. He is very sweet. I found out he is a volunteer there, to talk to people, help out when he can in some little way or another. We chatted for a while before i went into the “chamber”. He spoke of how its so important to have a good attitude and good support system. “There are people who are older and they live alone in these condos, they get rides from taxi drivers or volunteers, then go home to what? nothing, no one. They dont vent about it, wont talk about it to anyone, just let it fester and build and build”.

He went on saying that it looks like i know that attitude is important. I wanted to say that i’m not as positive as i may seem to be, that i’m good at putting up a front when i need to., but i didnt say that. He said that he had a conversation with a man and told him “ya know when you are in a storm and if you look at the trees, the branches have to bend, if the branch doesnt bend it breaks, thats the same with people, we have to bend in the storm to get through it, if we dont we will break”, i liked that example. Any story with a tree in it is a story i’ll like. He then told me that there was one time thats been the hardest so far for him to let go of. When there was a seven year old girl with brain cancer who died, she battled it for some time. He had sent the girl a book for christmas and got a call from the girls mom telling him that she had passed away two weeks before that. He told me it took him a good month to let that go, very difficult. He said that she at least had a good family with her for support. He said that they aren't supposed to get too close to people for obvious reasons but that he cant help it. I’m so happy that there are people like Mr. A who still exist in this world. Just having a small chat with him helps me more than he probably realizes. I’m sure i’ll see him again, he’s in twice a week.

Nothing happened during treatment to speak of, i was pretty sleepy, just zoned out pretty much. i’d like to try and put a positive spin on the terms i’ve been using. I know i’ve said “torture chamber, and so on...”, so maybe a better way of looking at it is the healing table, or healing room. But sometimes i just need to joke sarcastically and sometimes negatively, it helps me get through it all. I can be positive some times, and other times i just dont want to. I get tired of trying to put a face on, when all i want to do is kick and scream. But i’ll keep putting the face on most days, its my survival.

I had to come home after i went to the library today, due to sudden nausea and light headedness. I guess i needed to eat some protein. I had a piece of cold chicken i had cooked yesterday. That seems to have helped some.

I have three days off now!! whoooo hooo! time to chill out and not get zapped...oh, i mean healed :)
Only 24 more to go!