There are a couple of things i wanted to write about today.
what this day means to me, and jealousy.
First off, its November 12th, 8 years ago my boyfriend Stuart died in a motorcycle accident in England. It feels like a lifetime ago sometimes. I miss him still.
Second, I decided to make today my cats birthday, Stewie, yes, in honor of Stuart. I had adopted him about a year ago. It was a couple of weeks before i found my tumor. The vet i took him to said he thought he was around 2 years old. So today he is 3 years old. I may buy him a cat toy if i make it to the drug store to get some juice and decongestant for me. Also its my friend Pauls birthday, Happy Birthday Paul!
Its also the observance of veterans day. I believe in remembering people who have died in war on all days of the year, not just one day. Its a nice reminder though, that there are people right now at this very moment, fighting for a cause they believe in. Even if i dont believe in their cause, they believe it and they are fighting for their country. On both sides, all sides of the wars being fought all over the world. In Sudan, Iraq, Afganistan, Pakistan, Israel, Burma, so many places all over the earth.
It would be a perfect day if we all just stopped, sat in silence and did nothing, took a deep breath and just sat in silence. Just one day, all beings on the planet. Wouldnt that be amazing?
Ok, on to my second topic.....Jealousy.
Its hard to even type the word. It jumps off my fingers like sticky taffy. Not natural.
There is so many types of jealousy. Its hard to admit that I am jealous at times. There are different levels of jealousy i believe. There is the natural envy kind of innocent jealousy, like when you see someone with a house you'd love to own someday, or a family you'd like to create in the future. Then of course theres the toxic kind of jealousy. The kind that you can feel in your body. I was reminded of when i was around 18 or 19 years old. I was friends with a coworker and i really thought we were becoming good friends. Then one day it all ended over her jealousy. She accused me of flirting with her boyfriend and said i flirt with everyones boyfriend. She continued to accuse me of more things i wont get into. I was absolutely floored by her accusations. I was in no way shape or form flirting with her boyfriend. I even went to a friend of mine and asked her about it, asked if thats what i do and just didnt see it. She was laughing so hard, she said that i'd be the last person she knew to do something like that. I was relieved that she validated that for me. This was a case of this girl not seeing what was really going on. I couldnt convince her otherwise and she ended our friendship over it. It clearly affected me. I never had any resolution from that experience, no closure.
I've been jealous of people, mostly of friends. Theres one friend that started hanging out with an old school mate and in turn spent less time with me. I found myself wanting to tell my friend that this new friend didnt treat her as well as i do and that she takes advantage of her, etc... I realized i was acting jealous. Luckily i didnt say any of those things, i was able to process those thoughts on my own before i vocalized them. Jealousy is a powerful dis-ease of the mind that can take over if we let it. We've seen the news where someone kills another person over jealousy, its a powerful thing, but only if we give it the power. Just like fear, which could be a cousin of jealousy.
I know i've gone on and on in this blog today. I felt the need to do so. When i'm sick and have nothing else to do but ponder things, i have thoughts to express.
Do you ever notice a jealousy in you?
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Sick
Well, i caught another virus of some kind. I suppose my radar isn't on like it was during chemo, i was so careful with washing hands and staying away from crowds etc... i'm in with the general population now. Its been a relief to not think about it so much, but now i'm sick more.
Most of me wants to walk and socialize. Move my body. If i do that i could end up bed ridden for a while, so i need to rest. I get stir crazy. I've been resting since friday afternoon. I want to be well now. Things to do, people to see. I'm not the most patient person when i'm sick, not that i'm the most patient to begin with. I'm working on it.
I took a yoga class friday morning and realized how my muscles are atrophied from all the sitting around all year. I have been walking but that only uses certain muscles. During a couple of "easy" poses my muscles wanted to spasm and seize up. Scary feeling. I have to start all over again i guess. Start getting my muscles back in shape.
I had been in the doctors office the other day and noticed how these six kids were entertaining themselves with common objects. There was one parent and six kids in a doctors office. Usually that combo could be intense on the noise level. These kids were basically quiet. Two young boys were making their paper cups into sailboats, putting them on the ground and blowing the "sails". They were racing the boats. They did this very quiet. Another boy would crawl under seats and find small areas to challenge himself with, to see if he'd fit. One girl was reading. One boy sat next to his mom and watched her read. They all made little sound and yet were doing something. It amazed me. They didnt need hand held video games or loud toys to entertain them. The childs mind is so creative, i think we adults forget that sometimes.
I look at my cat who loves to play with milk rings and pieces of crumpled up paper.
I'm not sure why i chose to write about that, it has been on my mind. Creativity.
oh, and i made my decision on thursday after i met with my oncologist. I am going to have a hysterectomy, hopefully laproscopically, then go on Aromatase Inhibitors about two or so weeks after the surgery. I should find out next week when the surgery is. My gynecologist will hopefully be performing the surgery at the hospital i like. She said i'd be at the hospital one night. I'm hoping to still be able to go to London for New Years. Fingers crossed.
Now, back to bed.....ugh.....
Most of me wants to walk and socialize. Move my body. If i do that i could end up bed ridden for a while, so i need to rest. I get stir crazy. I've been resting since friday afternoon. I want to be well now. Things to do, people to see. I'm not the most patient person when i'm sick, not that i'm the most patient to begin with. I'm working on it.
I took a yoga class friday morning and realized how my muscles are atrophied from all the sitting around all year. I have been walking but that only uses certain muscles. During a couple of "easy" poses my muscles wanted to spasm and seize up. Scary feeling. I have to start all over again i guess. Start getting my muscles back in shape.
I had been in the doctors office the other day and noticed how these six kids were entertaining themselves with common objects. There was one parent and six kids in a doctors office. Usually that combo could be intense on the noise level. These kids were basically quiet. Two young boys were making their paper cups into sailboats, putting them on the ground and blowing the "sails". They were racing the boats. They did this very quiet. Another boy would crawl under seats and find small areas to challenge himself with, to see if he'd fit. One girl was reading. One boy sat next to his mom and watched her read. They all made little sound and yet were doing something. It amazed me. They didnt need hand held video games or loud toys to entertain them. The childs mind is so creative, i think we adults forget that sometimes.
I look at my cat who loves to play with milk rings and pieces of crumpled up paper.
I'm not sure why i chose to write about that, it has been on my mind. Creativity.
oh, and i made my decision on thursday after i met with my oncologist. I am going to have a hysterectomy, hopefully laproscopically, then go on Aromatase Inhibitors about two or so weeks after the surgery. I should find out next week when the surgery is. My gynecologist will hopefully be performing the surgery at the hospital i like. She said i'd be at the hospital one night. I'm hoping to still be able to go to London for New Years. Fingers crossed.
Now, back to bed.....ugh.....
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Attachment
I'm back. I'm back from a wonderful workshop, i'm back online, i'm back to feeling pretty good, but i'm also back to my routine. Not sure thats such a good thing.
Its interesting when we get into our habits and routines. Its hard to break from it. I for instance will wake up, feed the cat usually after a quick bathroom visit, make some tea and then go online to check my email and other sites i like to go to (see my list).
So, this weekend I was out of my comfort zone, out of my routine. It was really good for me. I went to a workshop where there is no t.v., no cell phones, no computer, no cat to feed. I had only me to focus on and that can be scary. There are many ways we avoid feeling, avoid spending time with ourselves and check in. I realized how much i avoid everyday.
I woke up at the workshop, had a cup of decaf coffee to mostly warm up, then went for a walk around the beautiful area. There is an apple orchard that i snuck into, we're allowed to go in there but it was shut up, i found a way in anyway, got a couple of apples that were on the ground but in perfectly good shape. I walked past the grumpy geese who like to chase you if you come near them at all., they have a pond and little house to snuggle up in. I walked into the wooded area where there is an old Shaker cemetary. There are religious statues all around, and a wonderful pathway that had beautiful birch trees and colorful leaves everywhere, very magikal. (yes, i like to spell magikal with a k)
It felt good to just sit with where i was at and not tune out or distract by being on the computer or watching t.v. There is a place for distraction for sure. When i experienced bone pain or was not well during treatment i needed distraction. I wasnt able to read or do crossword puzzles due to my eyes being blurry and my mind being fuzzy. Distraction can be helpful if your mind is repeating negative thoughts.
There was another thought i had about attachment. At the workshop there was a saying, i hope i get it right, that goes like this..... Show Up, Do the work, ......now of course i cant remember it all..... but the part of the 4 part statement that stuck with me was the part that says Dont be attached to the outcome. I had an issue with wanting to know whats going to happen, and to have an idea of what i want to happen, and if that doesnt happen its hard to not be disappointed. I learned that things happen and not always the way we want them to. I went to the workshop wanting to work on a particular issue and i really didnt. Its ok. I worked on what i needed to work on and it was enough. I tend to get impatient, i want to go to a therapist and get the quick fix, do all the work then and there. It doesnt work that way. Its a life long process. Life happens, and happens all the time, we never really catch up and its ok.
Theres also attachment to things. At the workshop a woman had lost an item that meant alot to her, it wasnt an expensive item, but it had emotional value to her. The whole group was looking and looking for it. I don't know if she ended up finding it or not. It got me thinking on how we hold onto things that have emotions attached to them. I used to keep things that had memories around them. When i was a teenager i would keep matchbooks or wrappers that had memories of a date with a boy. I'd keep the oddest things, like i was afraid that experience would fade away and not be real anymore. When my boyfriend Stuart died, i kept anything that he had touched close to me. I've since learned to let some of it go. Timing is everything, i believe it can be a powerful experience to let items go, its very healing, a way of moving forward, not forgetting, but moving forward.
Tomorrow i should be making my big decision about treatment. I've been studying, talking and sorting. Now its time for decision making and action. I'll let you know what i decide and try not to be attached to the outcome of my decision.
Its interesting when we get into our habits and routines. Its hard to break from it. I for instance will wake up, feed the cat usually after a quick bathroom visit, make some tea and then go online to check my email and other sites i like to go to (see my list).
So, this weekend I was out of my comfort zone, out of my routine. It was really good for me. I went to a workshop where there is no t.v., no cell phones, no computer, no cat to feed. I had only me to focus on and that can be scary. There are many ways we avoid feeling, avoid spending time with ourselves and check in. I realized how much i avoid everyday.
I woke up at the workshop, had a cup of decaf coffee to mostly warm up, then went for a walk around the beautiful area. There is an apple orchard that i snuck into, we're allowed to go in there but it was shut up, i found a way in anyway, got a couple of apples that were on the ground but in perfectly good shape. I walked past the grumpy geese who like to chase you if you come near them at all., they have a pond and little house to snuggle up in. I walked into the wooded area where there is an old Shaker cemetary. There are religious statues all around, and a wonderful pathway that had beautiful birch trees and colorful leaves everywhere, very magikal. (yes, i like to spell magikal with a k)
It felt good to just sit with where i was at and not tune out or distract by being on the computer or watching t.v. There is a place for distraction for sure. When i experienced bone pain or was not well during treatment i needed distraction. I wasnt able to read or do crossword puzzles due to my eyes being blurry and my mind being fuzzy. Distraction can be helpful if your mind is repeating negative thoughts.
There was another thought i had about attachment. At the workshop there was a saying, i hope i get it right, that goes like this..... Show Up, Do the work, ......now of course i cant remember it all..... but the part of the 4 part statement that stuck with me was the part that says Dont be attached to the outcome. I had an issue with wanting to know whats going to happen, and to have an idea of what i want to happen, and if that doesnt happen its hard to not be disappointed. I learned that things happen and not always the way we want them to. I went to the workshop wanting to work on a particular issue and i really didnt. Its ok. I worked on what i needed to work on and it was enough. I tend to get impatient, i want to go to a therapist and get the quick fix, do all the work then and there. It doesnt work that way. Its a life long process. Life happens, and happens all the time, we never really catch up and its ok.
Theres also attachment to things. At the workshop a woman had lost an item that meant alot to her, it wasnt an expensive item, but it had emotional value to her. The whole group was looking and looking for it. I don't know if she ended up finding it or not. It got me thinking on how we hold onto things that have emotions attached to them. I used to keep things that had memories around them. When i was a teenager i would keep matchbooks or wrappers that had memories of a date with a boy. I'd keep the oddest things, like i was afraid that experience would fade away and not be real anymore. When my boyfriend Stuart died, i kept anything that he had touched close to me. I've since learned to let some of it go. Timing is everything, i believe it can be a powerful experience to let items go, its very healing, a way of moving forward, not forgetting, but moving forward.
Tomorrow i should be making my big decision about treatment. I've been studying, talking and sorting. Now its time for decision making and action. I'll let you know what i decide and try not to be attached to the outcome of my decision.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tolerance for Pain
I'm feeling much better today. My mood has shifted. It's sunny out and its a new day!
Yesterday I had a "first" time experience, ....no not sex....get your mind out of the gutter.....my first waxing experience. It may be my last.
I was offered a free first time waxing appointment from a really nice woman who is part owner of a salon/spa locally. I was discussing with her how i'm grateful my hair is finally coming back but its coming back in places i'd rather not have hair, or so much of it anyway. My face was the biggest complaint. Luckily i have light blonde hair on my face so its not as noticeable, except to me and in certain lights. I was feeling so self conscious about it. i didnt think i'd care so much but maybe since i have short hair there's more focus on my face?
In any case, i decided i'd take her up on her nice offer of a free waxing. I wanted to have the experience anyway. At least i thought i did. Some things i realize you don't always have to experience. Torture, eating pigs brains, hiking Mt Everest, you get the idea. I may add waxing to my list of things i don't need to do a second time.
I tend to have a high tolerance for pain, certain types of pain. I've dislocated my knee over 6 times on one knee and one time on the other. The kind of thing where i had to knock it back into place myself. I've had gynecological pains that i wont get into, that were similar to having a baby. I've had many types of pain., surgeries, injuries. Its the sudden extreme pain that I don't do well with. I could never be a boxer. Its the assault feeling my body goes through when its out of the blue kind of pain. I crumble when that happens.
I forgot to warn the woman who was torturing me that i may cry, and that its just a reflex kind of reaction and not to worry about it. She tried the sly kind of approach where she'd ask me a question, get me talking, then ripppppppppp the sheet of paper and wax off my face. I don't like the sly approach. I want to be warned when you are going to inflict major pain on me! It felt like she had slapped me on my face, hard, and out of the blue. Very jarring. After ripping most of my face off on one side, she left the room to get a warm towel to wipe the wax and what felt like blood, off my face. When she was gone i felt the tears welling up. I hadn't cried in some time, so i knew i was due. I tried to hold the tears back. When she came back in i let them out, the tears flowed. I was embarrassed and tried to supress them. My body wasnt cooperating.
The woman was very sweet about it and asked if i needed anything. I couldnt talk, i wanted to go to the bathroom and get it together, but i couldnt move. Finally i was able to talk and told her i'd been under some stress lately etc.... she told me that lots of people cry during waxing, and that she's cried too. She mentioned how she wont get a bikini waxing anymore, its too much for her. I wont even go there about that!
I needed the release apparently, so it was a good thing, just not the place i wanted to do some releasing at.
It got me thinking about torture and pain, inflicting pain, or volunteering to receive painful treatments.
Why do we do these silly things to ourselves? For beauty? So other people will find us attractive? I suppose its also about liking what we see in the mirror. I see so many people getting plastic surgery and going through painful procedures.
I don't want to judge them, i am just wondering about it all. How did that all start? Who planted that "seed" into our brains that says we need to look a certain way in order to be accepted in our own minds and in others?
I walked home and had this horrible image in my mind of bikini waxing. No way, no how, no thank you!
I will be offline until next week sometime, having my computer upgraded so i can use my new Nano my friend Dan gave me. I'll be going into withdrawals......so i'll be writing again when i can.....stay tuned!
Yesterday I had a "first" time experience, ....no not sex....get your mind out of the gutter.....my first waxing experience. It may be my last.
I was offered a free first time waxing appointment from a really nice woman who is part owner of a salon/spa locally. I was discussing with her how i'm grateful my hair is finally coming back but its coming back in places i'd rather not have hair, or so much of it anyway. My face was the biggest complaint. Luckily i have light blonde hair on my face so its not as noticeable, except to me and in certain lights. I was feeling so self conscious about it. i didnt think i'd care so much but maybe since i have short hair there's more focus on my face?
In any case, i decided i'd take her up on her nice offer of a free waxing. I wanted to have the experience anyway. At least i thought i did. Some things i realize you don't always have to experience. Torture, eating pigs brains, hiking Mt Everest, you get the idea. I may add waxing to my list of things i don't need to do a second time.
I tend to have a high tolerance for pain, certain types of pain. I've dislocated my knee over 6 times on one knee and one time on the other. The kind of thing where i had to knock it back into place myself. I've had gynecological pains that i wont get into, that were similar to having a baby. I've had many types of pain., surgeries, injuries. Its the sudden extreme pain that I don't do well with. I could never be a boxer. Its the assault feeling my body goes through when its out of the blue kind of pain. I crumble when that happens.
I forgot to warn the woman who was torturing me that i may cry, and that its just a reflex kind of reaction and not to worry about it. She tried the sly kind of approach where she'd ask me a question, get me talking, then ripppppppppp the sheet of paper and wax off my face. I don't like the sly approach. I want to be warned when you are going to inflict major pain on me! It felt like she had slapped me on my face, hard, and out of the blue. Very jarring. After ripping most of my face off on one side, she left the room to get a warm towel to wipe the wax and what felt like blood, off my face. When she was gone i felt the tears welling up. I hadn't cried in some time, so i knew i was due. I tried to hold the tears back. When she came back in i let them out, the tears flowed. I was embarrassed and tried to supress them. My body wasnt cooperating.
The woman was very sweet about it and asked if i needed anything. I couldnt talk, i wanted to go to the bathroom and get it together, but i couldnt move. Finally i was able to talk and told her i'd been under some stress lately etc.... she told me that lots of people cry during waxing, and that she's cried too. She mentioned how she wont get a bikini waxing anymore, its too much for her. I wont even go there about that!
I needed the release apparently, so it was a good thing, just not the place i wanted to do some releasing at.
It got me thinking about torture and pain, inflicting pain, or volunteering to receive painful treatments.
Why do we do these silly things to ourselves? For beauty? So other people will find us attractive? I suppose its also about liking what we see in the mirror. I see so many people getting plastic surgery and going through painful procedures.
I don't want to judge them, i am just wondering about it all. How did that all start? Who planted that "seed" into our brains that says we need to look a certain way in order to be accepted in our own minds and in others?
I walked home and had this horrible image in my mind of bikini waxing. No way, no how, no thank you!
I will be offline until next week sometime, having my computer upgraded so i can use my new Nano my friend Dan gave me. I'll be going into withdrawals......so i'll be writing again when i can.....stay tuned!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Losing Faith
What happened to the great feeling i had not too long ago? I was feelin' good, had lots of energy, very positive, optimistic.
Today, i'm feeling very blah and losing faith. I don't want to be this way, i really don't.
Maybe the "holding on" i've been doing for so long is finally catching up to me? I'm worn out, tired of being stressed out, tired of trying to make up my mind on this crazy decision, tired of so many things.
I have fear all around me and its closing in. Every pain i have i think its the cancer coming back. I've been having shooting pains in my breast,....my scarred, burned, cut, dyed, swollen breast.
I know i have so much to be grateful for. I'm just not feeling it today. I'm just tired.
Today, i'm feeling very blah and losing faith. I don't want to be this way, i really don't.
Maybe the "holding on" i've been doing for so long is finally catching up to me? I'm worn out, tired of being stressed out, tired of trying to make up my mind on this crazy decision, tired of so many things.
I have fear all around me and its closing in. Every pain i have i think its the cancer coming back. I've been having shooting pains in my breast,....my scarred, burned, cut, dyed, swollen breast.
I know i have so much to be grateful for. I'm just not feeling it today. I'm just tired.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Theres no place like home...
I feel like i'm locked in the wicked witches room, staring at the hour glass, watching time fade away.
The suspense is more real than some movie you can turn off or walk away from. I'm in it.
I went to a yoga class, but its not really a yoga class. There is more talking than actual yoga taking place. I wanted to process things but i didnt get a chance to talk. Nothing was going as i had planned that day. I was irritable and impatient. My tolerance level is very low right now. Stress had taken over. I am aware of it but yet fall into its trap. why do we do that? Stress seems to be yet another addiction humans can create for themselves and crave in some way.
Have you ever met someone who seems to always have some drama in their lives? I believe we pull that energy towards us and the more we stress about being stressed only makes it worse.
My knee hurting and my body reacting to the stress is its way of saying STOP! NOW! not later after......or after.......no, now!
So, i'm taking some time, some down time. Very challenging. I'm trying not to talk to others about my decision and trying not to think about it all the time.
Ok, so i did some more research online today, but only about an hours worth if that. The rest of the rainy day i did some knitting, cleaned some of my bathroom, organized a bit, read. I tried to distract but not only in one way, i wanted to mix it up a bit.
I definitely noticed a difference in my stress level.
I'm also trying to challenge myself to not go immediately to sugar or comfort foods.
Can't i just click my heels and say "theres no place like home...", and be gone from this situation?
The suspense is more real than some movie you can turn off or walk away from. I'm in it.
I went to a yoga class, but its not really a yoga class. There is more talking than actual yoga taking place. I wanted to process things but i didnt get a chance to talk. Nothing was going as i had planned that day. I was irritable and impatient. My tolerance level is very low right now. Stress had taken over. I am aware of it but yet fall into its trap. why do we do that? Stress seems to be yet another addiction humans can create for themselves and crave in some way.
Have you ever met someone who seems to always have some drama in their lives? I believe we pull that energy towards us and the more we stress about being stressed only makes it worse.
My knee hurting and my body reacting to the stress is its way of saying STOP! NOW! not later after......or after.......no, now!
So, i'm taking some time, some down time. Very challenging. I'm trying not to talk to others about my decision and trying not to think about it all the time.
Ok, so i did some more research online today, but only about an hours worth if that. The rest of the rainy day i did some knitting, cleaned some of my bathroom, organized a bit, read. I tried to distract but not only in one way, i wanted to mix it up a bit.
I definitely noticed a difference in my stress level.
I'm also trying to challenge myself to not go immediately to sugar or comfort foods.
Can't i just click my heels and say "theres no place like home...", and be gone from this situation?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Want to throw a tantrum
Been pretty stressed out lately.
I don't want to make my decision about hormone therapy, hysterectomy etc....
Just dont want to, period!
I want a year off, then decide. My Oncologist of course strongly advises against waiting. I moved my appointment to November 8th.
I want more time to think about this, get more data. I also heard Mercury is in retrograde, and everybody knows you shouldnt make big decisions during that time, right? well, not everyone knows this. I'm using it as a reason to delay my decision making date. Next i'll say that my palm reader says i cant make any decisions for a year. I do believe in palm reading and psychics and astrologers. There are a lot of fakes out there too, like with anything.
The point is i want time, i want to be able to stop time for a while, have some fun, live my life. I know if i go on drugs and if i have an operation, maybe the fun wont necessarily stop, but the chances are good that its going to be tough for a while.
I know i should be grateful, so many people out there are fighting as i type this, just to live another day, they would be grateful to be having my so called problems. I finally feel better than i've felt in literally years and i'm being asked to alter that drastically and maybe for a long long time!
NOOOOOO!
My body is not happy with me either, its telling me to slow down and be good to myself. I'm eating lots of unhealthy foods, mostly sugary foods. Not good for fighting off cancer. I am an emotional eater for sure. I get stressed and i go for ice cream, pastries, chocolate. That only adds to the stress and anxiety. My knee is upset as well. I am now on the couch with it propped up. I had to limp to my appointment today, wasnt sure i was going to make it. I had wrapped it up with an ace bandage, but that doesnt really do anything. I had to take two buses and walk part way. I just want to hide my head under the covers and not come out.
My head is a swirling vortex of data, numbers, side effects, risks, fears. Its amazing how one day you can feel happy and energetic and the next its doomsday.
I also got some sad news. A friend of the family who lived in England passed away a few days a go, Mary. She was so sweet to me when my boyfriend died and i went over there to see his grave. I had stayed with her for a few days on my travels about England. She had lost her husband Hugh a while before I stayed with her. Mary had had breast cancer about 20-30 or so years ago, she had taken a drug i am considering taking, and her doctor told her that the recent recurrence of ovarian cancer was probably due to the medication she had taken. She lost the battle this time. She was a sweet sweet lady and she'll be missed.
There seems to be so much fear and death around me lately. I know there is beauty as well. Its just hard to see through the black slime sometimes.
Its like going through a car wash with those octopus like washers, engulfing you and surrounding, suffocating you, but if you just hold your breath you can make it out to the sunlight again. I'm still holding my breath.
I don't want to make my decision about hormone therapy, hysterectomy etc....
Just dont want to, period!
I want a year off, then decide. My Oncologist of course strongly advises against waiting. I moved my appointment to November 8th.
I want more time to think about this, get more data. I also heard Mercury is in retrograde, and everybody knows you shouldnt make big decisions during that time, right? well, not everyone knows this. I'm using it as a reason to delay my decision making date. Next i'll say that my palm reader says i cant make any decisions for a year. I do believe in palm reading and psychics and astrologers. There are a lot of fakes out there too, like with anything.
The point is i want time, i want to be able to stop time for a while, have some fun, live my life. I know if i go on drugs and if i have an operation, maybe the fun wont necessarily stop, but the chances are good that its going to be tough for a while.
I know i should be grateful, so many people out there are fighting as i type this, just to live another day, they would be grateful to be having my so called problems. I finally feel better than i've felt in literally years and i'm being asked to alter that drastically and maybe for a long long time!
NOOOOOO!
My body is not happy with me either, its telling me to slow down and be good to myself. I'm eating lots of unhealthy foods, mostly sugary foods. Not good for fighting off cancer. I am an emotional eater for sure. I get stressed and i go for ice cream, pastries, chocolate. That only adds to the stress and anxiety. My knee is upset as well. I am now on the couch with it propped up. I had to limp to my appointment today, wasnt sure i was going to make it. I had wrapped it up with an ace bandage, but that doesnt really do anything. I had to take two buses and walk part way. I just want to hide my head under the covers and not come out.
My head is a swirling vortex of data, numbers, side effects, risks, fears. Its amazing how one day you can feel happy and energetic and the next its doomsday.
I also got some sad news. A friend of the family who lived in England passed away a few days a go, Mary. She was so sweet to me when my boyfriend died and i went over there to see his grave. I had stayed with her for a few days on my travels about England. She had lost her husband Hugh a while before I stayed with her. Mary had had breast cancer about 20-30 or so years ago, she had taken a drug i am considering taking, and her doctor told her that the recent recurrence of ovarian cancer was probably due to the medication she had taken. She lost the battle this time. She was a sweet sweet lady and she'll be missed.
There seems to be so much fear and death around me lately. I know there is beauty as well. Its just hard to see through the black slime sometimes.
Its like going through a car wash with those octopus like washers, engulfing you and surrounding, suffocating you, but if you just hold your breath you can make it out to the sunlight again. I'm still holding my breath.
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