More Filming and.....

Hi Ya'll out there that take the time to read my blog.

:)

So, from the subject line you can see I mentioned being filmed more. Yep, the wonderful filmmakers that have filmed me came back for another hour and a half or so, to film more. I was nervous and you know when you have a conversation with someone and then they leave or hang up the phone....then you think..."oh, i could have said that better, or why didn't I say that instead?..."

I had a few of those moments after they had left. I figure that whatever I said will be good enough and no one can say things perfectly. Plus i"m not used to being on camera so my skills in that area are slim. So, whatever they got will have to do. I did tell them if they want more film from me to let me know and I can work something out.

I also believe its hard for me to articulate anything lately. My body is definitely, as my social worker mentioned the other day, eroding and dying from the inside out. My brain feels like its been shaken like a snow globe at times. I get dizzy and when I try to find the words I want to find, It feels almost impossible. Then other times I can have decent conversations.

I have been emotional as well. I feel like I'm not me anymore. I'm changing. My personality is changing due to the stupid f-ing cancer as my friend Joe likes to say. I schedule things on my calendar and then realize, sometimes too late, that I've scheduled too much for me to handle. I then cry and cry and say "Why can't I be that person again?!", "Why can't I handle these appts like I used to be able to?!".

There is just sooooo much to let go of and accept every single day.

I hear of peoples' stories of how they went to the beach and played with their kids and how they went to see a wonderful band play at this local club and I truly am happy for them. Then a part of me wants to scream and say "Why can't I do those things again?!"

What am I supposed to be doing now? I am a person who is dying but is alive. What does a person do in this situation? There is no "supposed to", right?

I have been having day-mares as I call them. Horrible day time night mares that seem so real. They are mostly about people I know, which makes it even more scary. I have visions of these people I know coming at me with knives and guns and wanting to hurt me.

My polarity therapist says its my fears wanting to be released. This is how they release she says. Well, I don't like it at all. Who would right? LOL

I am in pain right now, so I had to just push the button that gives me extra morphine. I hope that helps. I don't want to stop writing/typing.

During the day I have been extremely fatigued. Thats partly why I haven't written in a while. My hospice nurse says that's due to the cancer and not the meds. I want to sleep all day. Soon I'll have to pare down my visits to probably one a day so I can sleep more. My body is telling me, or I should say shouting at me to sleep more.

I feel like all I'm writing about is the negative stuff....I don't want to make anyone depressed.

An old therapist is now talking in my ear saying, .."Jenn, you can't MAKE anyone do anything they don't want to do."....ok, ok...LOL Thats true. I can't. But you get what I'm saying right?

I have another friend that wants me to be very very real, to be as dark and negative as I want to be.

I get that as well.

I believe I am both dark and light. Aren't we all?

Finding that balance is what I believe I am trying to do lately.

I told the camera that was filming me that even when I'm in my room and can't go out on an absolutely beautiful day, that there is still beauty all around me. I've been taking pictures of things all around me. All you have to do to find beauty is to STOP, CLOSE YOUR EYES, BREATHE, OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AROUND VERY VERY SLOWLY. You'll find something beautiful. Whether it be a shadow on the wall. The colors the book case has. The plants that are reaching out towards the light. There is so much beauty if only we just stop. When I am in so much pain. I have no choice but to stop. I can choose anger and self pity. Sometimes I do. Then sometimes I choose to just stop and look around and find something new I haven't noticed before. Distract and also choose to see the goodness of something. Sometimes it feels impossible to do and I choose to eat a huge bowl of ice cream. LOL ,There's nothing wrong there either. I will choose to not eat ice cream all day as well.

It all sounds so simple and maybe a bit nutty but for me, it helps manage the pain, it helps to get up off my pity pot.

Well, this is all for today and hopefully I won't take so long to get back to you all.

Is there one thing you can see around you that you think is beautiful?

Picture by me....jenngie designs

Rock Release

Back a while ago I had in mind of having a rock ritual I called it. Where a bunch of people would go to the beach and we'd take all the rocks that I've gathered or have been given to me, and give them all back to Mother Earth. I thought maybe we'd create a symbol of some kind on the sand and knowing that people would find them.

These rocks are from many places. England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Maine, NH, and then rocks that have been given to me with sayings on them, like Love, Healing, Hope, , then the rocks that have been polished to look almost unnatural  but still pretty non the less.

Things have changed for me since my first thought of what I wanted to do with the rocks. I now can not handle large crowds of people and I certainly can not facilitate a group really large either. So I had to tell everyone it was canceled. That was hard to do.

Then my brother and his girlfriend were planning on coming up anyway, along with my dear friend Nancy. So, I decided I'd have a small gathering of friends and do one. There were 7 of us total. We saw the fog lift and blow away as we walked toward this small cliff area. The sun was pretty much fully out when we got to our destination. I was so happy I could walk there ok. I did have some help when I needed it.

I had everyone sit on blankets in a circle and I read something that I wrote the night before. I wanted to say something but not make it too long or too formal. I really just wanted it to be about releasing the rocks back into the ocean. Not on the sand as before. Into the ocean and the ocean can decide what it wants to do with the stones. It may take years before one of them comes to shore. Or there could be a bunch of them now in peoples' pockets going to some destination. I love the idea of someone finding a stone that was found in Ireland and having that person so excited that they found such a unique stone. Wondering where the stones end up is fun to imagine.

The ritual for me was to also represent a letting go of fear, anxiety and control. To also release my body back into the earth......to the soil, water, fire and air when the time comes. Rocks are part of the earth, and so will I be once again.

My friends and family were shouting out things for releasing for me or for themselves. It was so wonderful to hear their voices shouting different things as they threw the rocks. Lots of the rocks only made it to the seaweed. It wasn't high tide. But the water came back last night and gathered up the stones.

I felt so much joy and my heart chakra and my throat chakra were vibrating incredibly. I felt lighter for sure.

One of my friends said she thought my aura was glowing all around me. I believe it. What a wonderful experience for me and I hope for everyone there. We all hugged and cried and sang a song that I love........

"We all come from the goddess, and to her we shall return, like a drop of rain....flowing to the ocean....." .....singing it over and over.....

Thank you to all my friends/family that made it to the ritual. I'll never forget it.

Love to you all

New Symptoms and Hope

There are new symptoms to deal with lately.

Dizziness, and redness around the needle site, itchiness. Hopefully it doesn't mean I'm done with the subcutaneous needle. Or maybe its a good thing to be finished with it since its been a bit annoying to say the least.

My friend Nancy called my blue bag that I have to carry along..... Bob. LOL

I can say....."OK Bob, lets go....or......stop being so heavy Bob"...or many annoyances Bob causes. It does help to give it a name.

Maybe I'll have to go to the PICC line earlier than we thought. The subcutaneous one is causing rashes and itchiness and pain ......etc.....

I'm a sensitive girl, thats for sure. :) But that's NOT a bad thing.

People in my inner circle around me have been great about the depression. They say......you have a lot of reasons to be depressed. Don't worry about it. I do know thats true. Being helped into the shower with a sweet Home Health Aide, maybe twenty? I started crying.....sorry if I'm repeating myself.....so she didn't know why I was crying. I tried to explain that its one more thing to deal with. To be attached to a device is not easy. Taking a shower isn't easy when you can't get the needle area wet. We did get some of it wet but it seemed not to be near the needle. Whew. It felt good to clean my hair again and to scrub my self clean. yay! But to have a 20 year old help saran wrap me all around me while I'm naked and to then have it not work was frustrating. She was great about seeing me and not commenting to anything. Very sweet. I do like her. Its just one more step for me to get used to.

Whats the next step?


Great news is that my brother and I hope his girlfriend are coming up to see me today and then leaving tomorrow. I'm so happy to see him. Been a little while for sure.

I love to see them both.

My good friend Nancy will be here again too. Very good news!! I know they will be ok with me being depressed or whatever mood i'm in. Fixing it doesn't help, it most of the time makes things worse.

Thats about all for today.

I'm hoping the sun will shine for a good part of the day today so we can go to the beach.

And i'm also hoping I will be in better spirits tomorrow and when I next post to you all.

Blessings and Love to you all!

Off Balance

Not too far away in the past, the Spring time had been really rough times for me. Its the expectations of being happy. Its suddenly nice out so I "should" be happy, I "should" be out there doing lots of activities and be grateful for so much in my life. Look how beautiful it is out and why would a person be unhappy? What reasons would someone not want to be outside?

Well, when you have a major depressive disorder as I have/had....still pondering that one.....it is very hard to live up to those expectations.

Did you know that April (at least it used to be not too many years ago) is the highest month for suicides? Why would that be? From my point of view its the pressure to be someone I'm not. And people in my inner circles not understanding why I was upset. Get outside Jenn, go for a walk, you'll feel better and you'll understand why the world is so much prettier now and why we are all so happy.

Well, for me it only made me more depressed. Why wasn't I feeling those things after going outside and smelling those roses? Why wasn't I more happy after walking for miles at a time? What is wrong with me?! That was the ultimate question I would hear in support groups I'd go to over the years. What is wrong with me that I can't feel those things that others are feeling and that's all around you? On television ads and newspaper ads. Its Spring time, its a time to get out and be happy. I would be so happy for the Spring showers, it gave me an excuse to not go out that day. Why can't we all just accept one another for whatever we are feeling whenever we are feeling those feelings and notice when someone we care about is NOT feeling that way and try to be there for them? Being there for someone is NOT fixing it. It is listening and maybe asking if there is anything you can do to help. Sometimes an ear is all that is needed or appreciated. Sometimes its just saying that you are so sorry that this person feels this way. That you still love them no matter what they are feeling. Feelings are feelings. Its ok to have feelings even if they seem irrational to you or others. Thats what i've learned over and over again at lots of support groups and books on self help.

So, today I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling like I want to crawl into bed and not get out. Its feeling  alittle bit like the old days when I was really depressed and couldn't understand it or explain it to my family or friends. It just was.

Maybe its the opiates I'm on? Maybe its affecting my mood? Who really knows right now. All I know is that today, i"m not feeling so great. I'm sure after a good shower (first one in a few days due to the new contraption I"m attached to) I'll feel somewhat better. Nothing like a good hot shower. ........I've been sponge bathing. Not quite the same thing.

So, there you are. Here is where I'm at right now.

I DO have so much to be grateful for.

I may also be a bit depressed due to the Boston bombings. Just awful that people are so far gone within themselves to want to hurt other human beings. I just can't understand it.

I DO hope you all have a wonderful day today. It is sunny here and maybe after I get out and about I'll start to feel better. I'm seeing some friends today too. I'm sure that will help. And if not then I'm sure they won't hold it against me.

Blessings to you all!

Being Attached

I woke up with some pain so I pushed the button on my new pack that gives me my morphine at a lower level all the time and when there is a spike in pain, I can hit this button to give it to me, a smaller dose, but something to hopefully get me thru to a more comfortable area.

A nurse came in yesterday to take the first needle that had been put in three days ago, out and put in another needle in on the other side of my stomach. I was a little nervous, only due to the pain and soreness I experienced the first time. This time was much better but the nurse and I discovered that I "may be" allergic to the plastic covering or one of the topical ointments put on to sterilize the area before the needle is injected. Here I am, the sensitive one, once again. LOL

My step sister and I were joking about how I should have a sticker or a sign saying.......I am the Sensitive Girl.  Be aware! I'm in the 1 % of the population who can't tolerate this or that. I can handle a lot of other things. Im not allergic to any foods that I know of. Just a couple of meds and certain topical lotions and laundry detergents. Sigh.....

So, being a very sensitive nurse as she is, Nurse S, I'll call her.....was patient and said after seeing the redness come up after a little while with the new needle to just keep an eye on it and see what happens. It didn't get much worse. So I'm thankful for that. It is still a little red this morning but not spread further out.

The most annoying thing i'm finding is being attached to the pack. I still can't take a shower yet. I have to learn from the very skilled nurses on what to do to shower. Right now, i"m just sponge bathing. Lets be honest. Sponge bathing is NOT the same as a real shower. Have you been camping?
I still haven't had to been able to wash my hair. I HAVE to do it today. NO ANDS IFS OR BUTTS about it. LOL

Ok, enough of that part.....

.....except for being attached....

I'm forgetting sometimes that I'm attached to this pack and one time (so far) I have forgotten and got up from my bed and pulled on the cord and the pack came flying down onto the floor. Yikes! It made all kinds of weird noises and I decided to ignore it for a few mins and see if it would go back to normal, which it did. Later on I found out it was fine. I figured if it stopped beeping and the noises came back, that it was fine.

I got thinking about how we are all attached to things. Am I  attached to this physical thing that is supposed to be easier on me by having to take less pills a day and the effects of it getting to my brain is faster. So far the jury is out on that one

There are other attachments we have. Should we call them attachments or addictions? Hmmmm....

I love my cup of PG Tips tea in the morning. One cup of tea with milk only. I love love love it.

Is that an attachment or an addiction. I believe I could let it go. I have before.

I'm attached to my wonderful cat Stewie. That is definitely not an addiction. Right? I love him and don't want to give him up till I have to. People keep asking if there has been anyone who wants to adopt him. I give them the current phrase that I trust that he will have a home when the time comes. I am not in any way shape or form giving him up BEFORE I die. NO WAY! He is my Angel Boy. He has been there for me when no one else could be, which is not implying I was all alone during my first treatment, but I did live alone and he was the only other being there to help me during those dark times at night.

Attachments.....what are they for YOU? Is it a teddybear that you sleep with at night that no one could rip out of your hands? Is it a purple toxic painted lunchbox you got as a girl in the fifth grade that you don't want to get near but just can't get rid of? Sentimental attachments seem to be at the top of the list don't they?

I see this site on FB that I believe is called Simplicity or Minimalist.

I have told myself many times that some day I will get rid of ALL of my things and have ONLY the essentials. I tried a few months a go, or maybe it was last Fall?, anyway, I did get rid of a lot of things, according to my standards, but I still have lots of stuff.

I am giving away lots of sentimental things as I can. Which has been emotional and very cathartic for me and for other family members.

Attachments, ......What does that mean to you and do you think you have a balanced way of living with them or without them? Do you feel you have only a few that seems reasonable to have in your basement?

Or are we talking about internal attachments to things in our mind, our emotional self. What are we attached to internally?

Maybe this needs a part two some time?

Have a gorgeous day today and my heart goes out to all the people that were killed and injured and affected by yesterdays' Boston Marathon Bombing.

My family were so proud that we knew of someone famous from our area who ran the marathon for many years, Joan Benoit. It was a big big deal. If I am correct, she was the first woman to win the marathon?

I didn't even know the bombing happened yesterday. I haven't watched t.v. much lately. I found out by turning a channel to find something happening last night to tape for a friend who I tape shows for that we watch every week. The news was on and I saw the ticker tape on the bottom.....Boston Marathon Bombing!

I live not far from Boston. Scary. There are so many scary things happening EVERY SINGLE DAY. I chose months ago to NOT watch the news even if its horrible. I will get the basic information, I will light my candles and send prayers out to all involved and then I will move on to something else.

I can and have been attached to the news. It is not a healthy thing for me to do and I can't do anything about what happened. Its an awful awful thing that another human being or beings could do this to others.

I have to turn off the t.v. and watch something positive and funny. Some might think that is being unaware or selfish or whatever judgments people want to throw at me. I believe it is taking care of ME and what I need to do. I am sending prayers and healing to all the people involved and I personally believe that is a very good thing to do.

We all have our ways of grieving and helping and that is mine right now.

Blessings to you all today.

Love is all there is and I will be sending Love to all around me.

Today.........April 14th, 2013

I am still here! yay!!!

Some days recently I wondered if I was going to wake up.

I've been incredibly sleepy. I feel like I could sleep for days. So UN-like me. The last time I was able to sleep so much was probably when I was a teenager. It feels wonderful on one hand and on another its scary. Something so different and odd to have suddenly come into my life. My Hospice Team say it is part of the process and the cancer is why.

On Friday I had a subcutaneous needle put into my stomach area. My nurse and I decided to NOT go with the PICC line for the moment. One reason was due to my nervousness and having to go to the hospital and have the topical medication used that did not work the last TWO times I tried them for other procedures. It was pretty horrific for me those last two times. I had a little PTSD over it due to the extreme pain. I know that the PICC Line will be SO much better when I will most likely go to that procedure of how the medication goes into my body but we (nurse and I ) decided to take this step first. It felt more comfortable for me and my body to start there. So this tiny needle gets poked into my stomach somewhere and its taped down with another type of I think butterfly type contraption to keep the needle in place. Every 3 days, I believe, it will be moved to another area on my stomach. So thats not so much fun but the stick is so much easier to deal with than any thing else. I know I can handle it. We'll see if I get so sick of it that I say "Enough, I want the PICC!", LOL .   One step at a time I say.

So, the amazing thing is that I don't have to take the dilaudid at all and don't have to take the morphine orally either, the morphine goes in thru the needle, by liquid form. I still have to take the advil and one other pain med along with a couple other pills a day but to not hear that pain pill APP going off every 2 hours is fantastic!!! My cat Stewie needs to get the memo now. He still wants to get up at 4am to take our first dose of medication. I'm trying to let him know that its not happening now.........hopefully soon he'll get it.

Cats get such a routine going sometimes. A lot of animals do. I'm sure he'll get over it soon.

I have a pack I have to carry with me at all times, I can use it as a fanny pack or a shoulder purse like contraption. Its heavier than I thought it would be but i"m sure i'll get used to it. I can sleep with it ok due to the long tubing it has. I place it on my bedside table when I sleep and the tubing is laying next to me. So far so good. I have a pump I can push every 10 mins or so if the pain gets really bad, which I'm going to do now, due to all this typing. Its causing some pain......please hold......do you hear the Muzak playing? LOL......

Ok, i'm back. I don't feel it right away. It takes longer than a PICC line would take.

So, thats the physical updates, sorry if its so long. I know some family members wanted some updates on what all is happening.

Val had asked about any spiritual visions I've been having? Well, mostly its happening with my polarity therapist and some I've had on my own.

There are two Light Beings who come to me and who will be with me from now until I pass over. One is male and one is female. Marsha, polarity therapist, told me about them. Before she could tell me what side they were on, I told her. Then she saw a dolphin jump into my arms and I was craddling him/her and lets say he is sending me a mauve color of light that is full of LOVE just pouring into my body and soul. The Light Beings, Mother and Father, are there to help me cross over as well. I feel them around me. There are other smaller visions I have that I'm keeping more private right now. I may share with peeps soon. I want to get more information and see if its something I need to or want to share with others.

I will hopefully be able to share other visions if they are people visiting but at that time, I may be too far gone to be able to type about them or share with others. But who knows, could happen?

I've had others share their visions, one of me with Stuart, (my boyfriend who died), but I don't feel comfortable sharing their stories publicly. They are beautiful images. I feel that I have so SO many people and beings who are waiting for me on the other side. I have no worry that I will be alone at ALL. NONE.

My worry is leaving so many wonderful, magical, loving people in my life, and to have to say goodbye. I've always hated goodbyes. Its one of my lessons this life time.

I hope I can have some closure with some people. I have had some closure on my part with some people. I know that some people will have to do their own work on losing me on their own time and if they wish to do so.

This journey is so foreign to me in so many ways, although I KNOW I've been here before. Dying as a human being. I just know I have. I suppose it could be that we need to not remember how it was each time due to the pain or the suffering that comes along with it all. It could make people not want to go there? Who knows.

I've been lately feeling very alone and scared. Then I'll have moments of joy and love. But to be honest and to KEEP IT REAL, I've been very sad to lose so many friends from my life. So many loved ones that I feel I can't even fathom saying good bye to.

I've said to some people, ..."until next time..." instead of good bye.

That sounds better to me and its what I personally believe.

I don't believe that I've become this enlightened being and now I can go on into another dimension. No, my soul is still learning and will possibly keep learning for a long time to come.

I've just learned all I need to learn in THIS body.

Ok....enough of the saddness.....

Joy.....lets see.....

I received a beautiful fairy wand flower (not real flower) from a very smart and beautiful 3 year old girl who got all shy when she gave it to me. I had left the gathering........ and i had also left the cards I make with my Henry Bunny, this little girl has received many times before due to me sending her some, I write in it from me and Henry the Bunny. She has fallen in love with Henry. So after I left the party she and her mom picked out a Henry card to buy and then when this amazing  3 year old opened the card she said something like "no jenn writing?"......she couldn't understand why I hadn't written anything in the card. ohhhhhh, so sweet. Her mom explained it well.

so, soon, i'll send her another Henry card with some "jenn writing" in it.

Thank you ALL so much for reading and for supporting me on my journey. It means so much to me. It IS getting harder to write as often, but i hope to have help when I can't write as well or as often. I may be able to have someone type as I talk.

Just as Val asked me for some information, if you all have some questions you would like answered, please ask away on the comment area and I'll do my best to answer them.

xoxoxo
jenn

Changes Aren't Always Bad

Hi Ya'll

I know I've been a bit quiet here on my Blog Page.

Things have been churning and mixing around me and in my head. Lots of physical changes and also spiritual changes are happening within me and around me.

Lets get the physical changes out of the way.....I know they can be boring or maybe a bit scary, depending on who is reading the info.

So, the pain.....yes, the pain again....its here to stay unfortunately. The pain I believe will always be here but it can be managed to a point where it feels like someone is holding me and whispering in my ear. Or it can be someone shaking my shoulders and screaming in my ear. Depends on the day and depends on the activity I am doing.

Maybe that doesn't make sense?

So, an example. If I do my dishes, clean the litterbox, fold my clean laundry that someone most graciously cleaned for me, then changed the sheets on my bed. That could, believe it or not, lead to the someone shaking my shoulders. That can be too much for me to do. It seems like such a simple thing to do right? Well, this is what I am learning. .....that its not simple anymore. My "new" life is not simple any more.  sigh......

ok,....so, how should I react to this?

There are no SHOULDS......lets say this again.......THERE ARE NO SHOULDS!! Thats better!

It is all personal. For me.....the pain is pretty intense. My social worker and nurse have both stated that the pain is pretty significant and I need to keep a gentle watch over what I do. A PICC Line looks like at sometime soon, will be put in. I"ve decided only recently that this will happen.

I want to do do do........but if I do do do.....I will pay pay pay....physically and emotionally.

I have had lots of emotional ups and downs lately as well.

I want to fight the pain and make it go away or make it not exist or make it just be different.

I"m not sure I'm making a whole lot of sense. I try to explain things on a physical level as well on a emotional level. I am having to let go of how I used to be. What I used to be able to do is no longer there.

I wanted to be at a wonderful gathering for ME on Sunday. I got ready with help from my dear friend Nancy and if we both had really checked in with me and with how I was physically and mentally, we both would have come to the conclusion that I was in no shape at ALL to be at a fairly big social gathering. Even if it is full of LOVE and for lil ole ME, it was not going to happen. , for me anyway.

I was stubborn and went anyway.....both Nancy and I , I believe, were in a sense of denial. This is what we have been used to me being able to do for years. Why change now?

Well, after about 20 mins to a half hour of being there, I about lost my jelly beans......It was like I was in someone elses' body. I was no longer there. I was completely overwhelmed.

I had to go to a small room in the back of the Center we were all gathered at and just breathed and then Nancy came in after I asked her to and I bawled my eyes out over and over and over and over and over again......

I was bawling because I knew I couldn't be there, I was bawling because I knew that was the last time I could EVER do anything like that again, EVER. No more gatherings of that sort again.

Another loss for me to deal with.

Letting go of something else.

The pain, the medications, the cancer progression.....its just so high and heavy that all I can handle now are small one on one meetings/visits.

This is VERY hard for me to accept into my mind and soul.

Every day I have a loss to deal with. This is a big one.

So many WONDERFUL people were there for me. I was and am still so very grateful for their presence and their willingness to be there for ME.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul for your love and giving of so much.

After I got home and Nancy "tucked me in bed", with a xanex of course, .>>LOL....I did need a half of one to stop shaking. , I could really feel the love from everyone who was still at the Center having fun meeting one another and talking about things that are concerning eachother. After all it is a community of peeps that are supporting one another too. If there are any issues, they are there for each other. I"m so happy that that is the case. People helping one another is wonderful. It is so important when there is someone dying. To have support from others.

My father and my step mom were able to make it too, which was a total surprise. Thank you Dad and Sue!

So, there are lots of losses happening, but also lots of healing happening for me, I saw my wonderful Polarity Goddess Marsha, yesterday, and was able to receive so much healing on so many levels. I am so so happy and grateful for her incredible giving and presence for me in so many ways.

I could go on about that.....but maybe another time....

I just wanted you all to know that I'm doing ok...its been rough and I'm having to let go of so much, but that I'm gaining an incredible amount as well.

I'm learning to let go of things too. Trusting that even if I wasn't at the party/gathering, that it still went on and it was still good for everyone. I am so happy.

Trusting that things can still happen without me, in a good way. I'm not forgotten either. Its a lesson I"m learning. Letting go.

I'm still learning to do so.

I'm in pain, I'm also happy, I"m letting go of some control and yet can still be happy.  So much learning and so much healing of my soul and spirit. Saying NO when I need to and having that be ok, people understanding that its not personal, its me taking care of me.

Today there is going to be another wonderful meeting with my hospice nurse and social worker meeting at my mom and step dads house to give some updates from their points of view of how THEY see things going with me lately. I may be able to tell people there how I see things going. It gives people a chance to ask questions of their own as well.

I'm just SO happy that there are many opportunities where people can communicate with one another and from people in the Hospice Community as well. Communication is something I feel has been tough for my family on some levels. At least for me. So to see this happening on so many different levels has been teaching for me for sure, wow! WONDERFUL!!

I woke up today with so much gratitude and love for others in my world and the world around me.

Thats how I wish to wake up every morning.

I am grateful for all of YOU who read my blog, thank you!

Blessings to you all!

And have you seen the flowers bursting thru the soil? Magic!!!!