Statement referring to the last post

Hi Ya'll

I slept on  what I had wrote yesterday and just wanted to make a couple of things clear.

One is that I love all animals and creatures. I have killed a few bugs here and there but honestly I try to bring them outside. An example is that on Monday I received some beautiful calla lilies and on one of them there was a very small and cute little slug hanging on and walking around. I took him down my two flights of stairs and put him on the ground in an area where he'll get to some greenery. So, I would never ever consider killing the seagulls. They are laughing at me as I write this. Loud as ever.

lol

And then the whole redneck comment....it's so hard to know whether a comment like that is going to be met with anger or a personal attack. I hesitated and then decided to use it. I believe that all of us can be pushed to a point of wanting to call someone a name that may be grouped into a stereotype. Like my friend from England used to call me a tree hugger. I embraced that and love the term because I am indeed a tree hugger. I have a picture to prove it. Some people would be offended by that. Now redneck is a bit more harsh than tree hugger in my opinion. So I wanted to apologize to anyone that I may have offended. I don't take it back however because, like I wrote above, I believe we all get pushed to a certain point of impatience and anger that we will name call. I am trying to keep it real here and I certainly wouldn't call anyone that name to their faces. Anywhoo.....I wanted to just clear some of that up in case someone had a problem with those issues.

I'm trying my best to be all Zen and Buddhist and Pagan about my fellow seagulls and maybe I can send some kind of message to them as a whole in a meditation to please move somewhere else, PLEASE?!

Have a fabulous day ya'll!

Seagulls will get me first!

Hi Ya'll

Well, you may be wondering about the title of my post today. Today is one of the first days in a while that I could keep my windows open and not have my A/C running. The rain was coming down in sheets this morning so my cat Stewie and I lay in bed listening to the rain. Then when the rain was slowing down, the latest noisy addition to my neighborhood is the dozen or so seagulls that are either being fed or there is something most extraordinary out on the roofs. The last few weeks the gulls have become insane. They screech and yell as they are right now and have been all day. Not a little in the morning and a little in the evening. No. All day!!! I now have my A/C on just to dull the sound. Unfortunately I can still hear them but not as much. I can't be the only person upset with this happening. All the other birds I've loved to listen to are being drowned out by the gulls. I love hearing the mourning doves, cardinals, sparrows and finches, chickadees and many other birds. Now all I hear are the gulls screeching like they have found the best meal ever. Fighting and ......
Can you tell I'm a bit bothered by this? LOL

I know its the full moon but this has been happening for weeks now and it seems to be only getting worse. No one is going to want to spend the night if they have to deal with screeching gulls every night and morning. Or maybe I'm the only person upset by this? I know I'm extra sensitive right now and can get upset over small things but this is not small. My home health aide got to see and hear what I'm talking about today. She said she'd go nuts too. 

I have discovered that for sure I'm more sensitive. I picture my body almost turning inside out in a way. My body is experiencing being a baby like body again. My skin is delicate, it rips easy. I have had more cuts lately from little things that I didn't think would cut me but have. I need to be careful due to so much Ibuprofen I'm on that thins the blood. Lots of bruises. I notice I am not having hot flashes anymore, thats something wonderful! I don't sweat as much. Yay!

While I'm bitching I'll share a funny with ya'll. My friend Tanya and I wanted to go to a small beach  the other day and have some quiet time together. Not be with rowdy folks at the big beaches. We were turned away at one place I love, the parking lot was full. I swear you have to get there at sunrise to get a space. So Tanya knew of another small beach. It was great, very very small, a huge Hummer could maybe cover most of the beach area. The tide was going out so we were hopeful we'd get some more beach area. Most everyone was quiet, sitting in a beach chair reading. Perfect! One couple came onto the beach. The man was a bit annoying. He was smoking a cigg and talking loud and saying hi to everyone whether they wanted to say hi or not. I could tolerate him ok. He was nice enough. We were there maybe an hour, probably less., and there is one family that comes onto the beach with their kids, maybe four kids. Its filled up pretty good, then Tanya and I couldn't believe what was happening. About a dozen more people, including their kids, bombarded the beach area. They had their coolers full of beer and they were screaming at their kids and saying to one another, "you better sober up soon!" What?!! It was so incredibly rude and clueless that these people were doing this. It was like a family of loud kids and drunk adults crashed a symphony performance. No awareness of what is going on around them, or they just don't care. So Tanya and I left. The woman next to us asked if she could have our space and we said of course you can and good luck. I just don't understand the people who feel like they have a right to crash a place and make it theirs. I know this is so un-P.C. but we were saying that we got crashed by a bunch of rednecks. Yes, rude stereotype but it sooooo fit them. Babies being unattended to while the mom is drunk and swearing and you name it. Just too much.

So, on our way back we stopped at the cutest little cupcake trailer set up. Cupcakes on wheels. This mini trailer painted pretty pinks and greens was set up in this parking lot with a small table and two chairs next to it. We each got a cupcake. We could have had ice cream with it but that was too much. I barely finished my cupcake. They were wonderful!!

So, I was thinking about how I want to still be able to do for others and finding it harder to do that. Is it ok that I only receive now? Is it ok to just get food from family and friends when I need it and not have to pay them to do so? Is it ok to receive help doing laundry and not pay the person for doing it? I wish I had the money to pay everyone that does something for me something. A gift card to somewhere nice or some gas money and in some cases I have when I was able to. Right now I'm hurting for money until the beginning of the month so it's hard for me to ask for anything but I am in need. My polarity therapist told me thats one lesson i'm here to learn, is to receive and only receive. That I have given a lot over the course of my lifetime and now its ok to just receive and I have to fully receive, meaning without apologizing or having to give something back in return. I think some things are ok, but mostly to feel what its like to fully receive. Wow! Does anyone else have a hard time with doing that? To fully receive without thinking of a way you can pay that person back? In some small or large way?

I hope that my thank yous and the little things I CAN do is enough for people in my life. I won't be here too much longer, or so I think., thought so .... you get the idea.....who knows when, but it seems like its not much much longer, so is it ok to feel the receiving end of things now? Before I go?

Maybe this sounds selfish? Maybe some people are saying or thinking to themselves that I am using my dying as an excuse to just receive? I wonder about these things. I'd love some feedback on what you all think about giving and receiving. Can you just give and not expect a thank you or anything in return? Isn't it about the giving and not the response?

What I would like to give those gulls out my window, is a big box that will fit all of them in and fly them to the moon! No no no.......I don't mean it. Or maybe I do.

Feeling Some Freedom

Hi Everyone!

I want to post about my wonderful day on Saturday and update you on what's happenin'.

I had my dear friend Nancy overnight on Friday and we had some time to catch up before
we both crashed a bit early. We were able to get up early in the morning to go to the beach
with our coffees. There was a road race happening where I usually like to go so we picked
a totally different place. I asked Nancy if I could drive. I LOVE driving her car. Its a stick shift
so its so much fun! It's been so long since I've driven. I felt good and wasn't feeling drugged up.
So, I drove for a while and it just felt so so good. The feeling of being independent again. The
windows open with our hair flying and we were laughing. No humidity to keep our windows shut
and have a/c. After a while Nancy drove and as we were crossing a bridge to go to our destination, I just started to cry. I felt the emotions coming up and I could have pushed them down, thinking this is silly to be crying over something like this, but I allowed myself to let the emotions come up. Nancy put her hand on my heart and my hand on hers as I cried. It was like I was "normal" again. Like before the cancer had come back. I was independent again. I was free. I felt so light
and happy and like someone who maybe was incarcerated for a while. I don't know for sure but that's possibly what it felt like. Freedom.

I have been cooped up in my apartment for quite some time due to the immense humidity. I could go for short rides to the store and maybe a cafe'. But not for a long time and always from A/C to A/C. I don't know how people can live like that in the Southern States where you have to have it all the time. I love the dry air and the feeling of my lungs being able to take a full inhalation, well, as full as I can right now. We were at a small beach with no one else around except to see the lighthouse nearby. We found lots of seaglass that was not quite "cooked" yet, so we threw them back into the sea. Nancy continued to do that while I made a sculpture with a stick and bright green seaweed with other objects. It was so much fun. Like playing as a child. I then took lots of photos. It felt so good to take pictures again.

We had to get back fairly soon because we both had places to be or friends to be with next.

I then said goodbye to Nancy and my friend Chrissy came to get me shortly after.

We went to another little beach about 20 mins from here. We too had tried another place and found there to be no parking. We thought we were settling for this small beach area but it actually ended up being the perfect place for me anyway. It was shaded and had hardly anyone around.

Nancy and I also had found a yard sale. I LOVE yard sales. It felt so good to find one. I had missed them so much lately. I found a nice floppy hat to wear. So I wore my floppy hat with Chrissy on this small beach. We had got sandwiches and ate them on the beach while we looked at the mounds of lobster traps floating in the water on a plank of wood. I suppose they need to be protected. People may want to steal them to get their own lobsters? Lots of sail boats to look at as well. A small black lab puppy was there near us. I asked them if I could pet him. Luckily they said yes, I was chomping at the bit to go over there and say hi. His name is Thunder. So sweet. I love getting puppy kisses.

Chrissy went out in the water so I did too. I ended up bringing my lovely rabbit Henry with me whom I take pictures of and make greeting cards out of. He has a music box in him and is to be around 30 years old. So Henry went onto a rock in the water, Chrissy was helping me. She became my assistant. We put Henry on branches of trees and leaves, and rocks. The rock formations and grooves were tremendous. I loved taking pics of them.

When Chrissy and I were almost up to our knees in the water we saw a rusty huge chain that was attached to the ground and then some seaweed was attached to it floating on top of the water. Chrissy grabbed the chain and then we saw at the bottom a good sized crab. He had a small shell on his head, like a hat. We were joking about that, he was sweet. Until another crab came over and crab with hat didn't like this intruder. They started fighting! Chrissy said it was like watching the Titans. So funny but I also didn't feel like getting in their way. I was quickly out of the water. Chrissy stayed and gave me some commentary. LOL.... no way was I going to get pinched by those claws. To be honest, the crab was probably only the size of my hand, not too huge. Still..... :)

I suddenly got pretty tired and Chrissy could tell. She suggested I lay down and rest and she would peruse the beach for goodies to find.

I just listened to the waves and sea life with my eyes closed. So wonderful.

After being recharged a bit, I took more pics of some of what Chrissy had found.

Then it was time for me to go home and really rest.

I didn't want to go home.

I had had a rough few days before Saturday and just wanted this good feeling to last and last and last.

I have the memory and so I can try and tap into that when I'm in my apt this week due to high humidity. I am just so open to experience things that I took for granted before. I am appreciative of so much now.

I also got a cane recently. Yep, a cane. My muscles are weakening a bit in my legs, arms and hands. I get twitching in my hands mostly. I notice now, its harder to walk up my two flights of stairs. So, my nurse ordered a cane. I do have osteoporosis, so it would really suck if I fell and broke a bone or two. I may not heal properly or.....?

So, its black and not so cool looking. My friends have been great, all suggesting ideas of dressing it up. I also hung out with a friend today who bought me another cane that is pretty flash I must say. lol.
It is black with pretty flowers on it. Purple, pink, blue and mauve. It's pretty sturdy. I may use this one first and then go with the hospital one. It is maybe slightly more sturdy. We were talking today, Melissa and I, about getting one for each outfit. I at least have to put some purple on the black one, to match my hair.

So, Bob, the medicine bag, has been really a pain lately. We're not talking at the moment. LOL, no....honestly....it's been a struggle to carry it every where. I just want to throw it across the room sometimes. It is something I can NEVER put down and walk away from except when I take a shower. That is hard. It's like carrying an extra weight with you when you sleep and eat and dress and so forth.

Finding the balance has been tricky when the weather has been so bleak and oppressive. I can find it a bit easier when I can get out and about and get to nature. Nature is a healer of my soul.

So, we have Bob and the cane and some physical issues. Then we have a wonderful day of freedom that re-energized me.

That's my latest update.....

Thank you all so much for reading. I love you and am tremendously grateful for you all and keep the comments coming!

The Sun Will Come Out....Tomorrow?

It has been a cloudy, rainy, muggy Summer the last few weeks off and on. A couple of decent days in there, but for me it's been hard. The humidity keeps me indoors most days due to not being able to breathe well. Oxygen wouldn't even help too much on days like that, with 96 percent humidity or worse. So, I have been trying to just take it day to day.

It was a really rough day yesterday, emotionally. I did have a dear friend come over in the evening time and listened to my tearful feelings. She read some kids bedtime stories which was so great! I love being read to. My mom and a dear friend have been reading Anne of Green Gables to me off and on. So much fun. The writing of Miss Montgomery is spectacular and so flowery. Lots of words she used I have never heard of. I love using my imagination about Anne who talks about HER imagination all the time and how good hers is. I hope my imagination will kick in a bit better soon. The days are so long and nights even longer. I am struggling right this minute to even type this. My fingers are having trouble with the pressure of the keys or maybe the movements going back and forth? My back is aching from sitting upright in the chair to do the typing. I am determined to blog and I know of at least two people who would transcribe for me if i wanted to record my blogs into my phone. I feel it's hard to do that. The flow of writing happens when I'm typing. It seems to be easier than thinking of what to write. I just start typing and it comes out. So I am curious to see if it would be a lot harder to speak out loud my blog or not. I won't know until I give it a go I suppose.

I had to say goodbye to a dear friend, yesterday, who I will most likely never see again. She lives in Australia. It was a very difficult goodbye for reasons I'm not sure she would want me to type here or not. I will miss her tremendously. She is a woman who has had her hard hard times but also a woman who I have always seen as being very independent and strong. Doesn't put up with anyones' crap and yet can snuggle up to her kitty cats and has the best smile around. I didn't want to let go of her. Her husband was with her as well, lovely man. I'm so glad I got to see him as well.

Letting go is something I am becoming a champion of. Today I had a cane delivered to me. I could choose from black or black. One was a bit old lady-ish and the other is more modern but didn't seem as sturdy. It folded up, so that was appealing as well, but if it means being more comfortable walking versus looking good then I've always been one for safety. Well, not always. lol....

Too many seemingly small losses to grieve over lately. It seems like almost every day there is some little thing I am no longer able to do.

Yes, I"m on my pity pot today and I think one is allowed to be on it once in a while.

My mom likes to say "Old age ain't for sissys'" and when she said it the other day I said immediately after "Cancer ain't for sissys' either".

Every day I feel the cancer tightening around my ribcage and upper back. My leg and arm muscles and chest. I look in the mirror naked and don't see myself much anymore. I'm disappearing before my eyes. Not fast but subtly. I had to go down in pant size again. It's getting expensive to keep buying new pants. I just bought two pairs of shorts this time. That makes me sad. It's not normal to be size four in my body. I don't know what I weigh due to not owning a scale. Hate them.

I don't think I'm quite at the anorexic looking stage yet, not far off.

I am so grateful for so much even today. It is just a bad day and I will see the sun shine again and be more cheerful again I'm sure.

As a dear person I know whose wife died of cancer used to say, (both of them said it.....)
CANCER FUCKING SUCKS!!!

He and his wife are not the kind of people by looking at them, would you ever expect them to say that, so it cracked me up even more so. She was such a dear person that I got to know near the end of her life, thru my mom. Cancer being the connection between us.

Today I realized that two people are in my life a lot stronger than I think would have normally  happened, but are because of the cancer coming back. So I know that I'm lucky in so many ways and
am grateful for so many wonderful people in my life who support me. It is still a very lonesome place to be and now that I'm coming up to a year since I started to get the symptoms of the cancer coming back and in August I was officially re-diagnosed, I am really ready to go. I still can't believe I'm still here. Maybe there is a reason for it? Sometimes I feel I'm being punished for something. I don't think it works that way. Whatever "it" is.

Ah well....off to bed and I hope to wake to sunshine and birds tweeting out my window ledge.

Good night all!

Nerves

Hi Ya'll

It's been a while since I typed something out here.

I'm finding it a bit hard to type or write lately. Physically. I believe it's due
to the pain medication I'm on. Perhaps a little neuropathy. I experienced that during
my chemo days. My muscles aren't functioning as well as they used to. I get twitches
that I know are from the med. Now my legs are feeling weak, not working as strong.

I guess that's to be expected when one is dying. Loss of function. It seems so subtle lately until
it's not. I may have to get a cane so I don't fall one day because I waited too long to get one.
I have some dignity issues coming up that is preventing me to do some things that would most
likely make life a bit better. I am a bit stubborn, as my mom is quick to mention. :)

So, I will post more when I have a bit more time but wanted to say Hi and that I'm still kickin' around
here in muggy old Portland.

I'm so grateful for my A/C!!

Love and Blessings to you all!

BOB

Hi Ya'll

So, I'll start with the nitty gritty stuff and physical issues and then end on a funny note..

First of all, things are changing once again. The pain is increasing every day. I had to have my pain med increased twice in one week. My fatigue is getting worse and worse. My memory is an issue more than usual. Today I was on the phone with a dear friend and she's driving to work. She first went to a convenient store, then called me back, then she was in line at D&D's for coffee, as I was telling her some things that have been going on lately with me. She had to say, just a sec to me three times, to one, give her order, two, to find her money to pay, and three to get her order, oh and four to get upset about how long the line was there and why did she bother going there today. So there were lots of references to being in line for coffee. I had finished my story and was thinking she had just left the store or something I guess, because I asked her if she was at the coffee shop yet. Then it hit me right away at the same time that she said, no I am at work now. I did realize my mistake but not till after I asked the question. It was so clear in my mind that she had not gone to get coffee yet. I never get that off track with whats going on. It may seem little but to me it was a huge change that happened. I started crying and crying and am so upset that these things are happening. It happened with my aunt and uncle two days ago? not sure of that either.....I tried to multi task and be the go-between person and make decisions for others and I got way too overwhelmed and couldn't do it. I had to cancel plans I had made because I had hit my "wall". All plans were canceled for the day. No nap was going to regenerate me. Naps don't do that anymore after I've hit my wall. I have been having lots of twitches and some neuropathy in my legs. My breathing is worse, mostly due to the humidity.

I know I'm sounding frantic....it's because that's how I feel inside. Frantic that things are going downhill fast. Maybe that's ok? Maybe thats what is supposed to happen. I've asked for this. I worry because so many of my family and friends are so very busy and I'm scared I'll be forgotten and be a huge burden.

It's all so unknown and scary and today is most likely the last time I'll see my aunt and uncle, they leave on their plane tomorrow morning back to SC. I said that last time they were here but I feel this time it really is true. How does one say goodbye forever? I just don't think you can really. Not at my stage. I have to just be here now and forever goodbyes don't fit how i'm feeling today, right now. It's still not easy to think of things in that way and to NOT think.....this is the last time forever. ........etc......

So, ....the funny part, at least I think it's funny.

So as some of you know, my dear friend Nancy named my medication pump "Bob" and ever since then everyone who knows that, talks about Bob like he's real. How is Bob today? I found another purse to hold Bob. My nurse says that I may receive a new Bob today, or as I said to her...Bob 2 or 3, I think we're on Bob number 3 now. Soon we'll have little outfits to be made for Bob. Get a wig for him. The scenarios go on and on. We laughed so hard about it after my tears had dried. I wanted to end our conversation on a happy note. The same way I want to end the blog today.......

Keeping it Real

Blessings to you all !

Duck Boat and Acceptance

Wow has it been HUMID here in the Northeast!! 90's today and humid. That is not the best recipe for me and my lungs.

I went on whats called the Duck Boat with my mom, aunt and uncle. I learned some things about Portland that I didn't know about. There was a handsome guide so that was nice on my eyes. hee hee hee. I even dressed up with a new mini ruffly skirt. Kept me cool in the heat. The Duck Boat spends about a half hour on land and a half hour in the water.

I had about 45 mins after I got home after we all had some lunch before another friend came by to visit.

I have A/C, granted its not the best one but its not horrible and it was free last year, so i'm sooooo grateful for it. So, even with the A/C my breathing is not good. I find that when I talk fast or a lot that I am suddenly out of breath. I at one point today, with my friend, thought I may hyperventilate.

I wish I could lay down now and sleep for a while, but I have my step sister coming over for a bit to visit. She will understand me not being able to talk a lot. I don't get a lot of chances to see her so I grab the time when I can get it.

It's just so frustrating not being able to take a nap, feel regenerated and go out again to do the next activity. Nope, I'm done. I could have one or two people over here for an hour or two to chat or listen to a podcast or maybe watch a movie but that's about the extent of it.

When relatives visited in the past, I would see them for breakfast, we might go for a walk somewhere after, or go shopping a bit, then maybe a rest, then out to dinner somewhere fun.

Well, not for me anymore.

I know I'm whining......It's my blog, I'm allowed to , so there! lol

I watched "my" film again with my friend who hadn't seen it yet. So that makes the 4th time I'd seen it. I got a little teary eyed when I was crying in the film saying pretty much what I am now writing about. About how the fatigue is so much more and I can't do what I used to be able to do. My aunt and uncle are only staying for four full days. I want to do as much as possible with them but my body says NO! It just pisses me off. Makes me want to crawl into bed and not get out.

I am so grateful for SO many things I still have in my life and for so many things I still CAN do now but sometimes I still get pissed off. Acceptance is a bitch, let me tell ya.

Sigh.......